I Tip My Hat Off...

I am sick! As I've mentioned before, on a daily basis, I have terrible post nasal drip, to the point that I am nauseated. Here lately, not only am I am nauseated but I get extremely dizzy as well. Not ditsy, as my step-dad would say, I'm always ditsy, lol! So, I went to the doctor two weeks ago and he gave me Allegra-D for the dizziness. He says there's fluid behind my ears which is causing the dizziness. I took the Allegra-D for 10 days only to start coughing like I'd been chain-smoking for the past 20 years the other night. I also sound like a man I'm so hoarse. Fortunately, I'm not so dizzy or nauseated but I'm terribly congested to the point that I cough and can't catch my breath. (talk about some scary shit, pardon my language, but not being able to breathe is really frightening!) So, today, I went back to the doctor and he prescribed a steroid and some antibiotics. He also told me to take Mucinex. He thinks its a sinus infection and a little bronchitis. How the hell you can have a little bronchitis is beyond me but that's what he said! After the doctor's appointment I dropped my car off at Firestone to have the tires rotated and an alignment done. While I waited, I decided I'd go across the street to Target and have my prescriptions filled. Sometimes, I swear I have no depth perception. I also didn't realize just how sick I was until I made it across Apalachee Parkway. I hate those crosswalk thingies. It turned red halfway across so I had to run! By the time I got to Target, (which when one is walking, IS NOT just across the street!) I was so winded. My point to this entry is not to feel sorry for me. Its to say I have more empathy for people with asthma and other lung-related problems.

John Deere Green

I'm not sure where this new fascination has come from but here lately I've been intrigued by big tractors and front end loaders. Perhaps its me being a pre-k teacher or having a 16 month old nephew who is ALL BOY! Who knows, I have been known to line up ketchup packets at the MacDonalds so it could be a slight case of autism, lol! No offense to anyone with a kiddo who has autism. Anyway, my friend Amber's son has two or three miniature John Deere tractors that I think are so cute. Then I found John Deere story books at Borders. Best of all, I was shopping the other day and found pink and green John Deere shirts for girls! Those of you who know me, know I've lived a sheltered life and I'm not much for the outdoors but here lately all that has seemed to change. Its funny what love will do for a girl. Oh, I digressed... so all this John Deere stuff made me think about the song by Joe Diffie, "John Deere Green." It was popular when I was high school. I used to drive my friends crazy playing the cassette over and over again. I just loved it.

No Xanax Needed!

We went to my parents' house last night so that my mom could meet Josh. It was successful. Thomas was there and stole Josh's attention. I think that earned him a ton of brownie points. Molly and Eric arrived about the same time we did to pick Thomas up so that lightened the mood as well. I called my mom this morning and asked her what she thought and she gave me her approval. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my chest. Truthfully, I couldn't think of a reason why my mom wouldn't like him but it takes alot to impress to Ms. Agnes! I know I'm 32 years old but I still need and value my mother's approval.

Life in a Small Town

So I had a great weekend. I met Josh's friends, went bowling and to "the river." I'm learning that when I'm with someone I trust I actually enjoy the great outdoors. I'm even thinking about taking a hunter's safety course. I have to admit, I did have to drink a couple of beers after getting to the river. Lord, that was scary. The roads were very bumpy and there were places where you had to put the truck in 1st or 2nd gear to get through. I also saw six baby alligators. Fortunately, the mamma was not in sight!

I was so nervous about meeting his friends, but I did like my friend Amber told me to do and just smiled pretty and nodded alot. I did pretty good with holding conversations but I didn't know the people that well so it was a big deal for the Princess of Anxietyland. I was invited back over and Josh said they liked me so I guess I'm ok.

On Sunday, Josh and I went to Zaxby's for lunch. My cell phone rang and I answered it. It was my step-dad. He said, "I know where you are." He of all people, was in the drive-through at Zaxby's. The funny thing is, my parents live 27 miles from Zaxby's so what are the chances that he would be driving by? (He was on his way from fishing.) So, I told him to park and meet Josh. He did. Then he raced home to tell my mamma that he got to meet him! My mamma, then proceeded to call my sister and inform her that Gene met JOsh before she did! She wasn't very happy about that. So, I guess on Wednesday, Josh and I will be driving to my parents house so my mamma can meet him. Pray for us! LOL!!! I'm thinkin' I'm going to need more than two beers for this one.

Wearing My Feelings On My Sleeves

I was raised to believe that crying is a sign of weakness. I'm ashamed to admit that I've paid hundreds of dollars going to therapy and trying medication to help me NOT to cry. I've finally come to conclusion that crying is just who I am and it doesn't make me any weaker than the next. Some of it is hormonal (thank God for Yaz!) and some it stems from my temperament, me being me. While I don't do it as often as I use to, when I do cry, there's still that little part of me that feels embarrassed. I'm not sure why but I do. I haven't cried in front of Josh yet, but I'm sure its coming. (I especially cry when I feel vulnerable, overly anxious, or think that I've made someone I care about angry. Geez, talk about sharing one's dirty secrets online, lol!) I think that's part of the reason I don't talk about "serious" issues just yet. We have a great time together but sometimes I think I hold back a little bit too much for fear of scaring him off. Its only been 6 weeks but still. I guess when the timing is right I'll know when I can be more personal. He obviously likes me or he wouldn't have introduced me to his friends. He also talks about his future plans, that's a good thing I think. (He even mentioned what all we could do come hunting season. Wow! Talk about longterm!)

I wish there was a good book about guys... especially guys from highway 20. For those of you who aren't familiar with highway 20, lets just say its the country. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying people from 20 are simple. Josh is very wise for his age. Wiser than me in some aspects of life.

I guess its just different for guys. He's not going to be the type to tell me I'm beautiful all the time or send me flowers, but he is the type that opens doors for me, checks my oil and offers me a seat when there's only one chair. To me, the latter is more important. I need to know that I'm with a man that I can depend on. So far from what I've seen, Josh is like that. If he says he's going to call, he does. His mood seems to be pretty even keel too. Which is really good for this high strung ESE teacher who worries way too much about nothing.

So my point about the book... I just want to do the right thing, say the right thing and make this relationship work. If anybody knows about a good book, let me know. Or, life experiences are also very helpful.

I'm Hooked

Has anybody ever heard of Brighton jewelry? Well, unfortunately I have and I'm addicted to the stuff. I bought my first piece when I bought my house. I bought a keychain off a ebay for my new key to my new house. I know, I'm a dork, so sue me? The other day I was in a store out of town and bought a pair of Brighton earrings. Talk about C-U-T-E! I made the mistake of taking a catalog to look at. I don't think we have a shop nearby that sells Brighton. While looking through the catalog I found a charm bracelet that I fell in love with. Its one of those that you add charms for special times in your life and or just because. Fortunately, I found one on ebay and bought it. Then I realized that duh, I need charms! I guess that will be a life long process. So, $50 later, I have a charm bracelet, one charm and two spacers. Not too shabby for Brighton but I really need to get a grip!

Oh The Joys of Looking Beautiful!

So, I went to a new dermatologist regarding my vitiligo for a second opinion. In case I haven't already written about it, its an autoimmune thing that attacks a person's skin therefore taking away one's skin pigment. It was comforting and a bit disheartening at the same time. The doctor was a bit humerous and laughed when she asked me why I was there for vitiligo. She said that I was lucky because mine is barely noticeable thanks to my milky white complexion. I told her I wanted something to keep it from spreading. So, $65 later, she sent me home with two creams that I am to use twice daily. She also recommended some sun therapy 10 minutes a day followed by sun screen. In my line of work, the sun therapy is just not gonna happen. I have to put sun screen on first thing in the morning and I'm outside at least 2 hours a day. In this heat, there's no way in hell I'm wearing long sleeves and baggy pants! So, basically its the creams for the next 3 months. After 3 months, if the creams don't work, she says I can try skin grafting. I've decided that if the creams don't work, the creams just don't work. There's not going to be any grafting. I'm fortunate that its only cosmetic. It doesn't cause cancer. I'm not itching or in pain so there's not going to be any grafting!

On the down side, she said that since I've had it for so long (13 years) there's not a good chance that the creams will work. On a positive note she ran a florescent light over my body and there's not that much of it on my face. Which means the creams just might keep it from spreading. Since its summer, I feel like its more noticeable. I think I look like an overweight giraffe but you can't tell in pictures so its just me who notices. Either way, I'll be ok. I'm thankful to have my Grandma T.'s porcelain skin. She too had vitiligo and by the time she was older you couldn't tell she had it. She just looked fair skinned.

The dermatologist sent me with this brochure to order this stuff called vitiligo dye. You put it on the spot where there's no pigment and it basically temporarily dyes your skin. Kind of like tan in a can. So, I'm a sucker for stuff like that and guess what? I bought some. I put it on and by 2pm I was looking great. You couldn't tell I had vitiligo. Yeah, well by 5pm, on my way to meet my boyfriend I look down and notice I have orange circles where I have applied the dye! Yep, both knees and elbows. He didn't notice or if he did, he was smart enough not to say. Talk about being mortified!?! See what I mean about keeping humble? I don't have low self-esteem, I just know better than to get too confident cause when I do, I end up with orange spots!

Berry Sweet!

Make a Smilebox photobook

Holy Cow, I Freakin' Did It!

I weighed in today and guess what?!? I made my goal!!!! Since December 31st, 2007, I have lost a total of 51 pounds! Is that crazy or what? I can barely lift 50 pounds, how in the world did I possibly carry it around?

I am sooooo thankful. I am grateful to my family and friends who have encouraged me. I am proud of myself for having the willpower to lose it. I am thankful to God for giving me the financial resources, healthy spirit and body to make my goal.

So, the BMI charts say that for my height I need to weigh around 145. I think for a while though, I'm going to work hard at maintaining where I'm at and then work on losing those last 13 pounds. I feel terrific so that's pretty much what matters.

Me and My Little Man!

I probably shouldn't even post this one but its just so funny. We went swimming a couple of weeks ago and Molly took this picture of me holding Thomas. I thought the kid loved me. This is the best we could get. I sure hope I don't have this effect on my big man,lol!

Priceless

We had a nice Father's Day dinner. The guys did not want to get dressed up so we grilled out at Molly and Eric's. The meal was delicious and the company wasn't bad either. Its nice that family can get together and have a good time. It was storming today and when it does my dog goes spatic. Molly and Eric were kind enough to let Missy come over too. My sister took a ton a pictures. Enjoy!!!

Jacqueline's Graduation

My cousin Jacqueline joined the army two days after graduation. It makes me sad that she decided to do that. Please keep her in your prayers. It also makes me sad to think about how fast time goes by. The four of us girls sort of grew up together. People used to think we were sisters. Times have changed us and we've all gone our separate ways. While I don't write or call on a regular basis, hell I even suck at buying and sending cards/gifts, I hope that they know that I love them very much. Here are some pics from the graduation.

Kayleigh's Dance Recital

I went to my neice's dance recital last night. I sure do admire those girls. I don't have an ounce of coordination in my body! When I have children as soon as they are old enough they are taking dance. Of course, it may not help if they take after me! LOL!!! Anyway, here are some pics from the recital. Isn't she beautiful? My nephew is pretty handsome too. I can't believe they will be 11 and 8 next Saturday. Where has the time gone? Yes, I know my sister calls me narcissistic (I can't even spell that), but I had to post the picture of me and Jes as well. By the way, the pants Jes has on are a size 6! What a ho!!! Oh to be tall and skinny. She looks great and she 's worked hard too.

Bubbly

I heard this song tonight at Kayleigh's dance recital. I've heard it before but it didn't mean anything to me until tonight. Here's how I've been feeling alot lately... Bubbly. I know I'm a mush head. But at least I'm a happy mush head!

Father's Day 2008

I found this poem and felt the need to post it. Sorry, I try not post such serious stuff but I've been in one of those moods lately. Before you read the poem I should "set the stage" as my friend Wendi would say. For starters, I was never a daddy's girl. While I know that he loved me very much we never had that sort of bond that alot fathers and daughters have. I crave to have that bond but know that its not possible. My only wish is that if I one day have a daughter of my own, she can have that bond with her daddy. My daddy died when I was 12 years old. As you already know that being an adolescent is a difficult time for any kid what with hormones, middle school, etc. For me, it was even a tougher time. I took on alot of responsibility at an early age and because of that, my daddy and I didn't necessarily connect. So the purpose of the poem... They say hind-sight is 20/20. If I could go back and do things over this is what I'd do:

Happy Father's Day
by Tami Blackwell
Give 'em a hug, a great big kiss.
Because one day, he will be greatly missed.

My daddy has gone far away from this land,
I miss the precious touch of his loving hands.

I never knew last year was the last day,
I could look at my daddy, hug him, and say:
"I love you, Daddy! Happy Father's Day!"

Don't let one day go by without telling him
how dear he is!
Remember you may not have another year to tell him this!

All I have now is great memories, a heart
full of love and eyes full of tears, and
to remember his love throughout the years.

Now I will have to look up at the stars and
say, "I love you, Daddy! Happy Father's Day!"

Just Be...

We do this alot. Hurry, hurry, hurry... and then WAIT. Have you ever taken the time to just sit and BE? Its really hard for me just be. (I know that's not grammatically correct, but you get the point!)

This summer I got a traffic ticket for not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign. I think it was after that experience of paying a $189 fine that helped me begin to learn to slow down and wait. Its a constant struggle but I'm working at it. When I teach in town I have to stop at a particular stop sign where there is little or no traffic. (Obviously though, its there for a reason.) There are days it pisses me off because I want to just zoom on through. When I actually stop, look and take a few breaths I actually find that its calming.

I was looking at some pictures of Thomas from his first year of life. I can remember those first few months and the summer I helped take care of him being so nerve-racking. I cried alot for fear of the unknown (would Molly and Eric move to Wakulla, would I be a good enough aunt, would something bad happen to Thomas.) I had a hard time just enjoying the moment. There are days now when I just sit and stare at him. He is such a blessing. He is also in God's hands.

Its seriously a day-to-day struggle for me to just be, but I am working hard at it. You know, I'm finding that when I just relax and take in the moment, the moment works itself out and things really are ok!

Angels in Waiting... this one may make ya cry!

So I was listening to GAC this morning while getting dressed and this video came on. Its an old video and I'd seen it before but today it made me want to dig out old pictures of my daddy and connect with him.

I went to a wedding last weekend. The mother of the bride had died a year ago of cancer. They placed a coursage on a chair in memory of her while playing a song about angels. I can't remember the song but it was sweet. I've seen people place rose stems in chairs at weddings but never an actual coursage.

Sorry, I digressed, about the video... I know the song was written about two brothers who died at a very young age of cystic fibrosis but it really made me think about my daddy. He didn't have CF but he had other obstacles all throughout his life that at the very young age of 33 caught up with him.

Redneck Woman

So I was looking at some recent pictures and couldn't help but to notice my red neck. Thinking back, even when I'd tan in the tanning bed, I'd have a very nice light glow about me but I'd have a red neck. Those days are so over. Let a dermatologist cut on you a couple of times and being tan isn't a priority. The crazy thing is, I wear 30 SPF everyday but I still have a red neck! We went out to the Stetson's for my birthday a few weeks ago and that song "Redneck Woman" came on. I had to laugh. There I was in all my glory looking good minus the redneck! Then I thought, who cares?

Thinking about it all now, it also reminds me of my daddy. That man was as white as a ghost minus his red neck and tanned face and arms. I like to think I have some of other traits as well. I guess I do. I don't know if its because I'm getting older or what but I want so desperately to know more about him. I have my own memories but their from my point of view. When people die, research will tell you that people make them out to be saints or angels. I'm not one of those people but I will tell you, despite his shortfalls, my daddy did have a heart of gold. He was a good man and he would give you the shirt off of his back. I'd like to believe he is an angel looking after us all. So, with that said, I will!

Forget the Ones...

we tip with twenties in these here parts!

Pictures from Birthday Party

Stealing From Another Blogger!

My Friend Trish is one of the most amazing people I know. She is a full-time mommy of a beautiful little girl with special needs, a foster mommy AND an advocate for them all! When I read her latest blog entry I knew I had to post what she wrote on my blog for all of my readers to read. I'm a technophobe and wasn't sure how to just post the link so I cut and pasted her entry. Please don't sue me Trish. She has got to be the strongest person I know. If you ever want to read about true strength and triumph read her blog: My New Normal. By the way, "J" is her foster son she is talking about. Anyway, here's the entry:

I have ALWAYS loved this song.
I remember as a teenager watching this video and it made me cry (big surprise right?).When Makily was born it meant even more to me for obvious reasons.
Makily taught me that the things in our lives that are the hardest and most painful are almost always the things that eventually bring us the most joy and teach us the most important lessons (even though when the "fire is at it's hottest" I may not always see it that way). Today I had a meeting that has shaken my confidence in whether or not we will be able to eventually adopt little J. All hope is certainly NOT lost by any means but there is yet another obstacle that may possibly get in our way. I cried about it for a while. I had some pretty nasty internal dialogue with myself. It went a little like this (I have edited it for graphic language):

"What the heck were you thinking? You knew going into this how uncertain it was. You knew it was very possible you would bond with a child and have them ripped from you. You knew it would hurt. Why are you so stupid to have put yourself and your family in this mess? What are you going to do if you loose him?"

This berating of myself went on for a while.
Then when I realized that even if they take J from us, I wouldn't take it back. I would throw myself right back into the fire for him. Just like I wouldn't take Makily back. She is worth every tear, every ounce of depression I suffered, every angry moment that I asked God where he was and every second that I sat in the hospital with her wondering how long she would live. Both of MY children are worth every second of pain I have suffered to have them in my life. I will gladly jump back into the fire to keep BOTH of my babies with my as long as I possibly can.
I love you J and sweet Makily.


Standing Outside the Fire:

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist

And for that forsake it all

They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Chorus:
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire

Repeat Chorus(twice)

Unanswered Prayers

So not the best version of the song because its his concert version but you get the point! Its funny because a pastor used this song one Sunday in his sermon. I heard this song yesterday morning on my way to work and I teared up. Shocker, me tearing up! Anyway, lets just say this song is hitting so close to home these days! If you get a chance, read my sister's comment to this song on my comment page. So true! Love you, Molly!

Here's the lyrics:
Just the other night a hometown football game
My wife and I ran into my old high school flame
And as I introduced them the past came back to me
And I couldnt help but think of the way things used to be.

She was the one that Id wanted for all times
And each night Id spend prayin that God would make her mine
And if hed only grant me this wish I wished back then
Id never ask for anything again.

(chorus)
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when youre talkin to the man upstairs
That just because he doesnt answer doesnt mean he dont care
Some of gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

She wasnt quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams
And I could tell that time had changed me
Inn her eyes too it seemed
We tried to talk about the old days
There wasnt much we could recall
I guess the lord knows what hes doin after all.

And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thankedd the good lord
For the gifts in my life.

*chorus*
Some of gods greatest gifts are all too often unanswered...
Some of gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

How Will I Know?

So my married friends keep telling me that when the right man comes along I'll know. So, an inquiring mind wants to know... how will I know? So, if you read my blog and care to respond either on the blog or via e-mail let me know, how you knew that your husband was the right one for you. Am I crazy or what? Don't answer that!

I Found My Something More

I broke 165!!! I am getting closer to my goal weight. The funny thing is, I'm not dieting or exercising hardcore. Maybe love truly does work! Ooh, I probably shouldn't be using that word in my blog. I just can't believe how one person can make another person feel so incredibly wonderful. I smile all day long. When I do go to the gym, I work out harder. Its hotter than blazes and I don't even care. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy. Those of you who know me, know that I can tend to be a bit on the OCD/anxious side. If I don't have something to worry about, I'll typically worry because things are going so good. Josh helps me with that. He is so even tempered and calm. Seriously, he actually calms me. I am learning to slow down and relax. Of course, I'm scared. Not sure where this is all going or if it'll go anywhere at all but I'll tell you this... I've NEVER felt like this before! It gives me hope. Oh yeah, as for the title of the entry. I wrote an entry once about a song that Leanne Rhimes sings called, "Something More." It hit close to home at the time I wrote the entry. I think I found my "something more." I should stop now before I write too much! Love, J

Balancing Act

So, I am currently stuck at 165. I should be happy about this and I am to a point. I really want to be at 145 that way I wouldn't be considered "overweight" for my height. Plus, I'm vain and I really want to be a size 8! Regardless, I feel better and I look pretty darn good. I went to an outdoor wedding yesterday and sweated like a whore in church (pardon my random frankness.) Anyway, 45 pounds ago my thighs would have caught on fire and I wouldn't have looked pretty at all. So, needless to say I am thankful for the weightloss.

I work with a small group trainer two days a week. This is the same trainer who trained me to run. She asked me the other day when we could get together to work on the running some more. I told her I'd get back to her. For one, I can't balance it all. Its hard to work out, teach at night, be in love and find time for myself. Two, its freakin' hot. The thought of running outside any time of day makes me ill. I tried to run with Jes yesterday around 9am and couldn't make it around one lap. Its too damn humid! When it cools down, I'll go back to outdoor running. For now, I'm focusing on the treadmill and elliptical. So, I guess my dreams of doing a 10k will be put on the backburner. I still need to increase my speed anyway.

I had some other points to this entry but I'm running on 4 hours of sleep so I must close. Don't feel sorry for me... it was worth it! Love, J

This May Be Real

Ok, so I'm really scared to even blog this for fear of jinxing things, but I think I may be in love. Ok, really really "in like." Things are going really well and as hard as I try I can't find anything negative about this situation. I'm going to take things one day at a time. Wish me luck!