The Butterfly That's Leading Us to the Rainbow

Going Through the Motions & Feeling the Emotions

2011-12-17T08:52:00.000-05:00

Not sure what the point is to this entry but Jadie Kate is sleeping and I have time to kill so I thought I'd post... I remember after JD died this deep sense of loneliness I felt. I literally felt like someone had ripped my heart out and I was walking around with a piece of me missing. I remember walking aimlessly around the mall and various shops just to kill time but feeling bitter and empty. (its my therapy, some people eat, I shop)

Jadie Kate has helped heal some of that pain but its funny how despite 14 months later I can still remember it. There are times I still feel it. When I see a baby boy who is about 14 months old I think about JD. I can't stand to look at those sweet blue infant layette sets at Dillards. (We had one for JD to go home in.)

This isn't meant to be a pity party post. Its just me expressing my feelings. I've spent my life trying to avoid certain feelings, going through the motions without feeling the emotions. I can honestly say after JD died, that all changed. I felt every painful emotion that came along with losing him. These days, I rejoice when I see a yellow butterfly or a rainbow. I tear up and thank God every day when I get to hold my sweet Jadie Kate. My heart melts when she smiles. I also know that nothing in life is permanent so I aim to enjoy EVERY minute of EVERY day.

That Brown Rocking Chair

2011-12-14T08:59:00.000-05:00

We jad JD's nursery almost complete by the first of October. All except a rocking chair... He wasnt due until January 19th so we figued we'd wait until Christmas & get one on sale. Then we found out on October 8th that JD was gone. I beat myself up for not getting a rocking chair sooner. It hurts me to know I never got to rock him. Shortly after JD died, I found the perfect rocking chair at Target. I didn't really have a need or the money for it but I bought it anyway & put it in the nursery. I spent many nights sitting in that chair praying & pleading with God to make me a mommy to a live baby. He fulfilled my dream. I make it a point to rock Jadie Kate in that rocking chair everyday. When I rock her I tell her about her big brother in heaven.

2011-11-17T09:13:00.001-05:00

She's Here!

2011-11-17T09:12:00.000-05:00

I can't believe our little rainbow has been here a whole month already! We are so thankful for her. Jadie Kate is precious. She was born via c-section at 38 weeks. She weighed 5 lbs 10 oz and was 18 inches long. Family members rushed out and bought us diapers and preemie clothes because everything we had for her was too big.

We tried the nursing thing but it just wasn't for us. One, Jadie Kate had a hard time latching on and two, I just wasn't producing enough milk. So, we are using formula. JK is up to 4 oz every 3-4 hours. She weighs about 7.5 lbs now.

She doesn't like to go to sleep until around 11pm or 12am but once she falls asleep she sleeps until around 3am. We are thankful for that. Overall, she is a good baby. We are so thankful she doesn't seem to be colicky or anything like that.

I can't tell you how overwhelmed I am at the prayers & encouragement people gave us during my pregnancy. I am so grateful for our little princess!

5 Days to Go

2011-10-15T02:53:00.000-05:00

I've always had anxiety, but this anxiety I'm feeling right now is unbelieveable. I am not sleeping through the night, which makes it worse. When I do wake up, I'm in a panic to check Jadie Kate's heartbeat because either a)she isn't moving enough or b)she's moving too much. I was at a point last night to where even Josh was anxious and asked me if I wanted to go to triage. I felt so stupid. What would I say when I got there? I'm not having any pain. Her movement is good. For once, even in the midst of a so-called panic attack, my blood pressure was only like 133/98, which for me is normal these days. I finally fell asleep around 1:00am but alas its 3:30am and I'm awake. I've got a head cold thats making it way to my chest so I finally broke down and took some Robitussin.

I'm not trying to complain. I am so thankful for this baby girl. I am grateful for all the prayers and support from family and friends. I am so happy to have made it this far. I know that I have an amazing support system in Josh.

People keep trying to reassure me by telling me we are in the clear. I will NEVER be in the clear. I will have somewhat more control once Jadie Kate is in my arms but I will never be totally at ease. One friend of ours was telling me how she's at a point now that in an emergency the doctors can have her out in a matter of minutes and she'd be fine. I know that, but what if there aren't enough minutes. Unless you've experienced the loss I've gone through as a mother, you can't possibly understand. I had no warning. I had no clue that my precious baby had died inside of me. How, as a mother, did I not know that my baby boy was in trouble? I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

I'm scheduled for a c-section for this Thursday, October 20th, but I have my weekly biophysical profile on Monday. I think after that appointment I'm going over to my OBs office and just see if they can bump me up to Tuesday. I know its only two days but after tonight's episode, that's a lifetime for me.

Lord, please give me the strength to get to Monday.

Waitin' on Jadie Kate

2011-10-11T22:10:00.000-05:00

Man, I swear I can't believe we've made it this far, but on the other hand, I can't believe we still have 15 days and a few hours to go before her arrival. My OB assures me that if my blood pressure doesn't go down she will take her at 38 weeks, so that would mean we have 8 days and a few hours to go. Its surreal...I am praying so hard that she will be born alive & healthy.

A Year and One Day Ago

2011-10-11T22:05:00.000-05:00

We had maternity pictures taken this past Sunday. I wanted JD to be included in some way. The photographer was sweet enough to create this collage and tried to incorporate butterflies in alot of the pictures.

A year and one day ago, I truly believed my heart had been ripped out of my chest.
A year and one day ago, I hated myself and the world around me. A year and one day ago, my sweet baby boy had been taken from me... or so I thought. While he's not physically here for me to hold or rock to sleep, I see him & feel his presence everyday.

I will never be the same Janie I was a year ago. Come to think of it, I don't know that I ever want to be that Janie again. Thank you JD for coming into our lives and making us who we are.

Happy Birthday in Heaven!

25 Days, 2 hours & 18 minutes

2011-10-02T08:47:00.000-05:00

Dear Lord, I am so thankful that we have made it this far with sweet Jadie Kate. Lord, please help us make it to October 27th without me being admitted to the psych ward for losing my mind. Please let us bring home a live, screaming baby this time. Amen.

Well, the countdown continues. With each passing day I start to feel some relief. I'm trying to stay hopeful that this time we will have our rainbow. We shall see.

This Sunday a year ago, I remember cleaning out some things in the shed and feeling this flip in my stomach. I checked JD's heartbeat and seemed to get a "normal" reading so I went on about my work. Little did I know that six days later we would discover that our baby boy was gone. I always wonder in the back of my mind if I'd have gone to triage that Sunday if JD would still be here.

I can't go back only forward.

I don't know why this tragedy had to happen to us but it did. I do know that I am a different person because of our little butterfly. I know that Josh and I are closer together as a couple. I know that because of JD, I will be a better mother to Jadie Kate. For that, I am grateful.

34 Weeks & The Yellow Butterflies

2011-09-24T09:01:00.000-05:00

We made it to 34 weeks! Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!!! I'm officially scheduled for a C-section on October 27th at 12:30pm. Jadie Kate is still breech and with the difficulties I had last time with JD my OB suggested a c-section. I'm relieved. I feel like I have mentally labored for a long time and when d-day comes I just want my girl in my arms. I don't want to labor for hours and worry about what might happen. Its surreal though. I can not tell you just how thankful I am to have made it this far and in the back of my mind I want to believe that this time everything is going to be ok. Of course, there's this little part of me that says, "Don't get too excited. It ain't over yet."

I had my first baby shower on the 10th of September and I have another one today. I'm not as anxious today as I was on the 10th, so we shall see. I went to L&D to visit a friend of mine who was being induced. I almost threw up walking down the hall to her room, but nevertheless, I am still here and still pregnant.

Its funny how a person can put stuff out of their minds but its not really gone for good. There are parts of October 8, 2010, I can remember like it was yesterday. The emotions. I have never felt so empty, low, devastated and angry. JD's first birthday is in a little over 3 weeks. I have a picture of a yellow butterfly as my Facebook profile picture. I looked at it Thursday and was immediately filled with anger. I mean truely pissed off filled with anger. I guess I was having a pity party. I know JD is loved and cared for in heaven. I know he was sent to me for just a short time for a reason, but my heart still hurts that he's not here with me to love on. When all that anger struck all I could think was all I have are some damn yellow butterflies to remind me of my sweet precious boy! Of course, the next day, a yellow butterfly about collided with my face while I was walking off the playground! I guess JD was showing me a thing or two, huh? (Which I am grateful for the yellow butterflies!)

I love both of my children and am proud to be their mom. I am thankful for what they have taught me.

51 Days...

2011-09-06T04:34:00.000-05:00

Dear Lord,
Please give me the strength to make it through the next 51 days. Please take care of our precious baby girl and help her to continue to grow strong and healthy. I promise Lord that if given the chance to be parents to a live baby, we will do everything in our power to raise her us to know you and give her the life she deserves. Thank you for the past 7+ months with Jadie Kate. Thank you for my wonderful husband who has been so supportive. Thank you for our family and friends who have been right by our side through this rollercoaster ride of joy and heartache.
Love,
J

To My Children...

2011-09-06T04:29:00.000-05:00

Wow, just typing the title and I am overwhelmed with love and tears. Who'd have thought when Josh and I first started trying to have children back in March 2010 that in a little over a year and a half later, I'd have two children! Man, has my life changed. My priorities are different for sure. The way I love the people in my life is sure different from way back when. I am so thankful for my babies.

Dear JD,
Thank for making me a mom. Thank you for helping me to see life in a whole different light. While my heart hurts that you are not here with me on earth, I know that you are in heaven being well taken care of by alot of people who love you. I feel your presence everyday and for that, my sweet boy, I am grateful. I can't wait for your baby sister to get here so that I can tell her all about you.
Love,
Momma

Dear Jadie Kate,
In less than 52 days you should be here with us. I can't tell you how many days and nights I have prayed for your safe arrival. I am so thankful to your big brother who has been watching over you over the past 8 months. Please continue to grow and get stronger. I promise that I will do the very best I can to take care of you and love you. Both you and JD are so blessed to have a great daddy and so many people who love and care about you.
Love you,
Mommy

1st Baby Shower Since JD

2011-08-29T17:58:00.000-05:00

So, I went to my first baby shower since JD, yesterday. Its funny how the body reacts to stress. I had to force myself to go. I layed around all morning battling a headache and fatigue. Both, I'm sure brought on by stressing over the baby shower. Nevertheless, I went and it was ok. I wonder if it was ok because I'm pregnant again or because she had a baby girl (baby came five weeks early, so she was at the shower, lol!) I don't know why it was ok. I don't care. I need to stop analyzing things and just live for the moment.

Of course as soon as I got home I broke out the doppler and listened to Jadie Kate's heartbeat. Thank God for that thing! Its the best investment we've made by far!

Alot of people said I would probably relax after I got past the 25 week mark. They were wrong! My anxiety is at an all time high. I am so thankful for the past 30 weeks but I still pray constantly for the next 8.5 weeks to hurry and come and leave my sweet baby girl alive for me to hold.

JD's First Birthday

2011-08-27T08:30:00.000-05:00

Not sure why I'm lying here crying and pondering JD's first birthday. It's still about 6 weeks away! I guess it's the planner in me. If he were here with me in earth I'd already have a theme picked out. His birthday shirt would be ordered, etc. Instead,I'm trying to figure a way to have some sort of memorial for him without freaking people out. I want to do something to honor him & send thanks to friends & family who have supported us through this difficult time. Im just not sure what to do exactly. Maybe I'll take a picture of all the things people have given us & make a collage thank you card. I think I'm going to get some balloons to send to heaven too. October 13th is the Walk to Remember. I will definitely be there for that. I just want my sweet boy to know he is loved!

29 weeks and counting

2011-08-21T19:42:00.000-05:00

I am so thankful for week 29 but I am also a basketcase. I'm constantly secondguessing myself. Jadie Kate's heartbeat continues to be strong but I'm always fearful when I don't feel her move. I also worry because I don't think her movements are as strong as they should be. Lord, please let 39 weeks come and allow us to deliver a healthy live baby girl!

Another Butterfly Earned Her Wings

2011-08-21T19:40:00.000-05:00

Some friends of ours lost their sweet baby girl this past Tuesday. Katie Grace was 25 weeks. My heart aches for them. I really have no words to say. I just wish I could take their pain away. KG's momma called me yesterday and asked me to come over so we could talk. So I did. I hope she will call me anytime.

Praying, Praying, Praying

2011-08-07T22:41:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I go in for the one hour gestational diabetes test. Yuck! I am so nervous. I have waited until the last possible minute to have it done because I am so scared. I had this test done with JD on a Thursday and the next day, I found out he was gone. I know the test didn't do it, but the thought lingers in my mind. Fortunately, I have a doctor's appointment after the test so hopefully that will give me some reassurance. If not, I will just have to take another visit to triage!

Josh made another comment today about getting pregnant right away after Jadie Kate is born. Right now, all I can focus on is Jadie Kate. I am soooooooooooo thankful for her and all the prayers. I am thankful for my sweet JD and it melts my heart to know that my husband wants more children but right now, all I can do is think about the baby I am carrying right now. Selfish? Maybe...

I am counting down the days until her arrival. Besides wanting to marry Josh, I have never wanted something so badly in my whole life. I want to be a mom. I'm not sure that I have ever prayed so hard for something either. Well, its 11:40pm and 6:30am will be here before we know it...

Is This Your First?

2011-08-07T06:49:00.000-05:00

I met my sister and some of our friends at the pool yesterday. We had a great time relaxing and watching all the kiddos swim. As I was leaving, Molly introduced me to this lady. Molly told her I was her sister and I was expecting a baby girl in early November. The lady congratulated me and asked me if this was my first. I normally don't lie but today I just couldn't do it. So I said yes. I wanted to say, yes, my first live child. Hopefully, she is my first live child. She is my first baby girl.

I felt sort of bad for lying. Like I was ignoring JD. I've been a hot mess these past few weeks and I just didn't want to get into my situation with a complete stranger. Molly called me later and told me that she explained what had happened to the lady. The funny thing is, the lady went onto to tell Molly that she too had lost a son and completely understood! Its funny, because I sort of got that vibe when I talking to the lady and she said, " I once had a son in late September..."

Our Sweet Baby Girl!

2011-08-07T06:41:00.000-05:00

This past Tuesday we had 4D Ultra Sound pics taken of Miss Jadie Kate. I think they turned out pretty good for the most part. She didn't shoot any birds this time but she did cover her face alot and stick out her tongue. I can't wait to meet my feisty little princess in person!

I remember posting shortly after JD died about how my views on ultrasounds had changed. I used to enjoy getting them to see who he looked liked. This time around they are a part of the survival process of being pregnant (i.e. checking for fluid, movement, growth, etc.) I tried really hard at this appointment to be a "normal" mom and enjoy the 4D process. I studied her little chin and nose. I looked in awe at her sweet fingers and toes. It wasn't easy but I did it. I couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness because I never got to see my sweet boy in 4D. Even when he was born, I couldn't tell who he looked like because of the trauma to his face during his birth. In my mind, I picture him looking just like Josh. I will have to hold that memory close to me. I am so thankful I have what little pictures I do have of him. We know he had my daddy's long skinny fingers and Josh's feet. I believe he would have been a big boy. For a baby who supposedly stopped growing at 22 weeks, he weighed that of a 25 weeker.

I have decided that when I have those twinges of guilt/sadness for my perfect JD, I have to turn it around and enjoy every moment with Jadie Kate twice as much. Once for her and once for JD. I believe he understands. I truly believe my little butterfly is watching over us and keeping his baby sister safe so that she can help us with the hurt we feel over his loss.

As for Jadie Kate's ultra sound... apparently our spunky little girl is also the spitting image of her daddy! She has his nose, chin and feet. I could tell he was so proud looking at the pictures. I think as far as momma goes, our princess has my attitude and fiestiness! That's fine by me. She has long legs, arms and fingers. Jadie Kate is measuring within the normal limits for her age but she is in the 39th percentile. I'm trying not to worry. I figure she is part Register/Tucker. She will catch up, lol!

Found a Gray Hair

2011-07-26T22:04:00.000-05:00

Is it any wonder that I found a gray hair today? By the time Jadie Kate arrives, I'm sure I will have a head full of gray hair, if I have any hair at all! While I was getting ready for work this morning I decided to check Jadie Kate's heart rate before I left. 105 was the highest I could get. I panicked and made a bee-line for my OB's office. The nurse told me to go straight to triage, so I did. By the time I was sent back to be checked out my blood pressure was 144/111. The CMA (I think that's the correct title) that took me back wanted to "reassure" me by checking Jadie Kate's HR herself. She says, "Now honey this usually doesn't pick up a HR unless you are at least 27 weeks, but we'll give it a try anyway." (Nevermind my blood pressure is already through the roof because I'm already freakin' out but I'm also only 25 weeks 5 days and I'm well over 200 pounds so common sense would tell you that the damn thing wasn't going to pick up her heart rate!) Of course, it didn't pick it up. A nurse came in about 5 minutes later and uses a regular doppler and finds her right away. I asked her what the HR is and she says, "Oh, this one doesn't tell the rate, but it sounds really good to me." All I could think was, "My God, I have died and gone to hell! And hell really is full of idiots!" She then tells me to lay on my side too see if my blood pressure goes down and wait for the on call OB to come have a look. We waited for about an hour and finally the nurse comes back and says that he said to go back to my OB's office and get an ultrasound because he is still in the middle of a delivery. So, Josh and I head back over to the OB's office and get an ultrasound. Praise God! Jadie Kate's heart rate was 157 and she was rolling all around and waving. The US tech showed us how JK is turning her body away from the doppler when she hears it so it muffles the heart rate! Only my child! I believe we are going to have our hands full. Thank the Lord she has her big brother up in heaven looking out for her! (She's doing somersaults in my belly as I'm typing!) 13 weeks to go!

25 weeks and counting!

2011-07-25T05:30:00.000-05:00

I thought making it to the 25th week would bring me peace of mind. I guess, in a way, it did but on the other hand, there's still this lingering feeling that anything can happen. I know I need to let go and let God handle this. Being the control freak that I am, its quite difficult to do this.

I'm seriously thinking about going on medication after Jadie Kate is born. I'll wait and see if things get better but I have people tell me it won't. I'll just find more things to worry about.

We rented a doppler back in June and let me tell you, its the best $40 a month investment we could have made. Not only can you hear the heartbeat, but it tells you the beats per minute. I am also feeling her move more and more so that is reassuring as well.

I officially go back to work on August 11th. I've been spending a day or two here and there working in my classroom for the past couple of weeks though. There is so much to do to get ready. I'm anxious about that too. I'm not sure why. Its not like this is my first rodeo. I guess I just want November 3rd to be here so I can relax a little bit. Maybe going back to work will help the time go by faster.

Doctor McKinnie will induce me at 39 weeks if I want her to, so it looks like my due date will be October 27th. I'm all for it. Now, our next decision is whether or not to induce or go the C-section route. As of now, we really have no physical reason to go the C-section route. Mentally, I want one because I believe its the fastest, safest way to have my baby girl in my arms. We have 12+ weeks to decide, so in the meantime I am going to pray about it and see what happens. Jadie Kate seems to have a mind of her own, so she may very well make that decision for us, lol!

The emotions I feel these days are none like I've ever had before. Well, I guess I've had them, just not all at once. I am missing my JD, but comforted to know that he is still here in spirit. He reassures me daily by sending me a butterfly or some other sign. I have so much love for Josh these days. He is so patient with me and tries so hard. Good things really do come to those who wait, lol! Which makes me grateful that we have a forgiving God who despite some of the stupid things I've done in my life, He led me here to all of this happiness. Then, there is the excitement and out of control feelings I have for Jadie Kate. I am so thankful for the chance to possibly be a mom to a live, screaming baby. I guess all of these emotions explain why there are times I just burst into tears for no apparent reason, huh?

We Made It!

2011-07-23T09:01:00.000-05:00

Yay! This past Thursday made 25 weeks with sweet Jadie Kate. The US tech is estimating she weighs 1 lb 10oz. That's 5oz more than JD. She is measuring on schedule and moving like crazy. While I am so relieved and excited, I can't help but still be cautious with my emotions. Thanks to everyone for the love and support.

I still haven't taken down JD's crib bedding. One day at a time, I guess. I have been really feeling guilty and missing him alot these days. I guess I'm mourning this time lost with him. I just hope he knows how much we love and want him to be apart of our lives.

I registered yesterday for some things for Jadie Kate. I remember registering for JD. I was so excited. I took my mom and my little list and had a great time scanning things. This time, I almost had to distance myself. It was as if I were performing a job on my list of things to do. It's not that important. What's important is having my baby girl here, with me, alive. When I was done registering, I rushed home and listened to the Doppler to make sure her heartbeat was strong.

Thank you God for one more week!

Scared, Hopeful, & Crazy

2011-07-19T17:49:00.000-05:00

This Thursday, we will be 25 weeks pregnant with Jadie Kate. That's two days away. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions right now. I am hopeful that she lives but I can't also help but think that we could be saying goodbye. These days, when I feel out of control I bake, cakes mainly. Tonight I pulled a can of frosting from the cabinet and burst into tears when I read the label. Rainbow frosting. I didn't even think about it when I bought the frosting. So, here I am praying that this rainbow frosting is a good sign that everything is going to be ok with Jadie Kate. Call me crazy...

2011-07-08T10:51:00.000-05:00

Nine months ago today, we found out our baby boy had no heartbeat. Nine months ago today, our world came crashing down. Nine months ago today, I seriously thought I was going to die with him. But here I am, nine months later, still alive, trying to make sense of my crazy world. I can honestly say I believe in prayer and I am eternally grateful for the prayers and support we have received from our family and friends.

I was looking at our wedding pictures the other day and had to laugh. I have changed so much since that day. I remember thinking how fat I was on my wedding day. I remember worrying that our guests would freeze and that the food would run out.

Then I look forward at my wedding pictures. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. I had everyone I loved (even those in Heaven) surrounding me on our special day. I was marrying the most wonderful man in the world and I truly felt like a princess. It's funny how things change your perspective.

I no longer worry about my weight or what people will think of my house. Perhaps I'm rambling, but today is a day for rambling. It's a day to remember how blessed I am and how truly thankful I am for what I have. Thank you, JD for helping me become the personI am today. Momma loves you!

Faith, Hope & Courage

2011-07-05T19:01:00.000-05:00

That's the motto around the Register household these days.

I am currently 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Jadie Kate's heartbeat is strong and she appears to be measuring on time. I have plenty of amniotic fluid and as far as the doctors can tell, the placenta appears to be healthy. My TSH is within normal limits and my thyroid antibodies aren't nearly as elevated as they were with JD. TMI for the common reader I suppose, but putting it down in word, gives me a visual to look at, to give me that HOPE I am looking for.

I've met alot of wonderful people along my journey. As I approach the 25 week mark (16 days to go!)I am comforted to know family, friends and even people I don't even know are praying for us. Because of this I have the COURAGE to continue on my journey.

As for FAITH, I have put my faith in God. I pray without ceasing. I am so thankful for this second chance. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up at 4am and prayed.

I put a post on Facebook the other day about being nauseated. It wasn't pregnancy related nausea, but of course someone assumed it was. (I know when I put things on Facebook, I open myself up to unwanted comments, so I shouldn't get annoyed.) Some lady commented that I needed to praise God in the midst of my nausea. I wanted to tell her a few things but instead I'm venting here. There isn't an hour in the day that goes by that I don't thank God for what I have!

I try really hard to practice my new motto but with each week and each doctor's appointment, I feel like its going to be my last. I caught myself looking at micro preemie clothing the other day,so that if something happens like last time, I won't have to have my friends run out in a hurry and get something.

I am itching to register for my baby showers but I am fearful that if I do, something bad will happen. I felt like a sneak the other day when I went online and started a registry. I'm going to wait until week 30 or so and go into the store to do it.

On a lighter note, we got to have a 4D ultra sound of Miss Priss today. She is already shooting birds! That figures...

Ramblings of a Crazy Baby Loss Momma/Rainbow Momma To Be...

2011-05-29T17:59:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions these days. There's this part of me that still mourns JD. Then, one part of me is elated with joy to be expecting Jadie-Kate. Finally, there's this other part of me who fears losing her too. Poor Josh... he tries so hard to help me with it all but I feel bad for him.

People have already began giving me things for the new baby. Its bittersweet. I am grateful that people are validating my sweet baby girl but I'm also fearful that she won't make it.

While I want to re-paint and pick out new bedding, I'm also scared.

I broke down and rented a doppler. This one tells the heartbeats per minute. I've had it for three days now. It seems to help a little bit.

We went to a cookout last night. There were about 3 or 4 first time preggo women there. I wanted to run when I noticed them. I guess I wasn't expecting them. There are so many of our friends who are pregnant right now. I am happy for them and pray that everything goes well, but its hard for me to be around them. Call me selfish, but I don't want to hear about their heartburn, sleepless nights or cravings. I don't want them asking me about those things either. As I said in an earlier post, I want to crawl in a cave and hibernate until I have my live, healthy baby girl in my arms.

Its funny too because they were all talking about how they wanted to keep their baby's safe inside them for as long as possible, even it meant going past 40 weeks! I just sat there in silence. I don't feel like my baby is safe. I don't trust my body to take care of her. I want her OUT as soon as she is considered full term. The sooner, the better.

I didn't realize just how emotionally draining "faking it," can be. Josh is patient with me but I don't think he really understands when I say I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go. People are so well-meaning, they are always asking me how I'm doing. If I don't feel comfortable telling them the truth, I usually just smile and say, "good." No one, especially not other expecting mothers, want to know that I wake up in a panic at 1:00am in the morning praying for a healthy placenta or that when I'm driving down the road to an OB appointment I am crying in fear that it will be my last appointment.

I try really hard to see God's purpose/plan for losing JD and I think I understand. Because of JD, I appreciate things I didn't before. I take time to smell the roses and just sit and chat. Because of my sweet butterfly, I hope to be a better mother to Jadie-Kate, but for some reason, I was so angry last night. Angry that because of my loss, I am fearful of losing my precious baby girl. Angry because I am already looking at urns and preemie outfits for her (morbid and sick, I know!) Last night I just broke down. I was sick to my stomach and had a horrible headache from crying so hard that finally I just prayed, "LORD, I give up! I am putting this in your hands!" (something I should have done a LONG time ago!)

I am thankful for my firstborn son and hopeful for my secondborn baby girl. 23 weeks to go!

17 weeks 3 days

2011-05-29T17:34:00.000-05:00

The 12 week scan went great! Heartbeat is strong, placenta looks good, & the statistics for Downs, Cystic Fibrosis and Spina Bifida are very low.

I found out at 16 weeks we are having a girl! I am overjoyed. Of course, I would have been just as happy with a boy. I just want a healthy baby.

We are going to name her Jadie Kate. I've always loved the name Jadie. I have a friend who's daughter is named Jadie and she is a sweet, insightful young lady who holds a special place in my heart. Kate is short for Katurah, Josh's mom's middle name.

It took us a while to determine Jadie Kate is indeed a girl. She is quite busy already. I am beginning to feel her moving. With JD it felt more like flutters. With Jadie Kate its more like thumps! I think she is going to be fiesty. I hope she is... I want her to be strong and determined. I want to see her beautiful face come November 3rd.

I think Josh is excited about having a baby girl. He's already calling her princess and has decided to repaint the baby's room. It's hard to call it Jadie Kate's room. For so long it was JD's room. So, Josh and I have been calling it the baby's room.

I'm having a hard time packing JD's things away. I know he never actually wore any of the clothes or shoes nor did he sleep in his crib, but I guess packing all of these things away finalizes things. I mean, I know JD is gone...

Mother's Day

2011-05-29T17:21:00.000-05:00

Mother's day was tough. It actually hit me harder than I thought it would. I grieved the loss of JD while prayed in fear of losing this baby. Josh bought me a beautiful angel figurine holding a butterfly with a poem enscribed on it. It was sweet.

I woke up with a terrible sinus cold so I didn't join in our family's festivities. I just slept. I'm not sure if that was my body's way of avoiding the day or what but that's what I did.

I'm finding it hard to enjoy anything these days. I try really hard to take things one day at a time, but there are days I wish I could be a bear and hibernate until this baby is born.

12 week scan

2011-04-23T16:34:00.000-05:00

Whew, we've made it this far...Each week I feel like we have celebrated a great victory.

We go Monday for our 12 week scan. I'm beginning to notice a pattern right before our doctor's appointments. A few days before one, I go into panic mode. I cry for no apparent reason and become incredibly anxious. I prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. I build up a wall and then once I hear the heartbeat I relax a bit and cry tears of joy.

I guess I do this because with JD we had no warning signs. We were blindsighted.

Anyway, as Jessica used to tell my niece Kayleigh, "two more sleeps until we find out if all is well with Baby R."

Pregnancy After a Loss...

2011-04-23T16:26:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: while I've never been on trial for a crime, this is my analogy...
For me...Pregnancy after a loss is alot like being on trial for a crime you didn't commit. You wait and wait in hopes that fate finds you "not-guilty" and pray that the end result is a live healthy baby. And, because you already feel "guilty until proven innocent," you have to talk yourself into believing that, despite your loss, you are indeed a good mom and worthy of another child.

The Story of the Butterfly and the Rainbow

2011-04-23T16:18:00.000-05:00

This was actually written on March 21st...
Three weeks ago yesterday Josh and I discovered we were pregnant again. The day before our one year anniversary, a little less than five months after the loss of JD we were given a second chance. Baby R. is tentatively scheduled to arrive on November 3rd. One week and two days before Josh's 31st birthday.

I am entitling this entry the butterfly and the rainbow in hopes that one day, I can turn this into a book. I may not sell the book for my future children. I want my future children to know about their big brother JD and the influence he had on their upbringing.

JD is the butterfly and Baby R is the rainbow. Hopefully, Baby R will cooperate and we will know the sex of him or her in about 10 weeks. Right now, we are looking at Samuel David or Katelyn Marie. We aren't sure though. With JD, we both knew right away that he was going to be a boy. I "felt" it and Josh "knew" it. We are both going back and forth with this baby. We don't really care the sex. We just want a healthy, live baby to bring home from the hospital.

I can't explain the mixed emotions I felt when I took the pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant again. I was overjoyed, fearful and yet hopeful...all at the same time. There are days when these emotions overlap. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I am so grateful for this second-chance. I have put my faith in the Lord and now all I can do is wait. I am going to blog to help relieve some of the helplessness I am feeling. I can't believe its only been three weeks. It feels like forever.

We have already had two ultrasounds! We had one at 5 weeks and one today at 7 and a half weeks. We heard a heartbeat today! Dr. McKinney is being very gracious to us by letting us come every two weeks. She is also going to do an ultrasound everytime. Of course it doesn't cost her anything so why shouldn't she, right? To keep from losing my mind, I need these two week visits. I'm not sure whats going to happen when I get to 25 weeks...

One week before I found I was pregnant, my hives came back! I haven't had hives in ten years and wouldn't you know it...they have resurfaced! I am back on Prednisone. I have gained 10 pounds already but feel like a beached whale. My face and chest are both swollen but the good news is, I don't have any hives and my thyroid antibodies have lowered. My OB says that I am on a pretty low dose so it shouldn't affect the baby. I hope not!

We haven't told many people yet that we are pregnant. I'm not sure why. I guess we fear if something happens, we will have to tell people. Its not like we could have hid what happened to JD. I was 25 weeks pregnant! I have told a handful of my closest friends and family because I need the prayer warriors. I believe in prayer!

I bought the book 'Pregnancy After Loss.' It has been really helpful. The book suggests trying to stay positive and focused on the end result. I am trying to visualize my squirming, screaming red bundle of joy. I am trying to stay positive but I can't help to be cautious about my optimism. However, I feel like this baby deserves just as much excitement as JD.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I feared I would forget JD or people would think he was being replaced. That is NOT the case. I talk to JD everyday. I am thankful for him. Because of JD, I have a greater appreciation for our little rainbow. JD has made me more aware of the beauty that is around me. He has taught me to not sweat the small stuff. I am so proud of my first-born and I pray that my little butterfly will lead us to our rainbow.

5 Months Ago Today

2011-03-10T19:52:00.000-05:00

Five months ago today I said hello and goodbye to my sweet angel baby, JD. Where has the time gone? I can't believe its been so long ago. I was driving home from work today feeling empty and sad. I couldn't quite place why since those days seem to be fewer and far between lately. Then I remembered that today was March 10th. JD was born on October 10th. Five months ago today... Here is a letter I wrote for him.

Dear JD,
You have taught me how to walk to the edge, listen to my heart and live with no regrets. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. Thank you for making me the person I am today.
Love,
Mommy

While I am sad to not have my sweet angel here physically, I know he is here in spirit. I know he is my guardian angel who is going to protect his little brothers and sisters one day. I drive to work each morning and play the song 'Godspeed,' by the Dixie Chicks. Call me corny or cheesy but its my way of reminding JD just how much I love him. I can't hold him or rock him but I can send him love through 'Godspeed,' if that makes sense. The other day I was listening to the radio and a song by Rascal Flatts came on called 'I Won't Let Go.' Its a comforting song that makes me think of JD and reminds me that he is still very much apart of who I am.

There Are No Words

2011-02-20T18:20:00.000-05:00

'There are no words' seems to be a theme these days. A dear friend of ours lost his wife last Wednesday in a car accident. Wendy Jackson was/is a wonderful person who always made you feel welcomed. She always had a smile. Wendy leaves behind her husband Jimbo and two daughters Ashley and Allie.

I am bitter.

Josh cried throughout most of the funeral while I sat there feeling hard and cold. Now mind you, I mourned Wendy's loss but I was just so bitter.

I know that by no means do I have the right to question God or his plans but all I could do was sit there angry. Why did He have to take such a wonderful person, mother, friend?

This led me to start thinking about JD. Why was he taken so soon? Why is that God allows crackheads (excuse my free speech there) to spit out multiple kiddos but yet loving caring people who WANT to be parents struggle?

I am frustrated.

Maybe one day I'll understand...

Feeling Blaagh...

2011-02-15T21:49:00.000-05:00

I swear to Sweet Jesus that every woman at work is pregnant right now. Well, everyone but me and two other women who desperately want a baby... sorry, I digressed.

Every now and again I'll hear them talking about the ultrasound pictures and who's chin or ears the baby has. I'll admit it, I did the same thing. I couldn't wait to have an ultrasound. I'm hopin' if there is a next time, I will have ultrasounds more often. But next time, I won't be oohing and ahhing over the baby's nose or chin. Next time, I'll be looking at things like the placenta, amniotic fluid and the cord.

I pray that God gives us the chance to be parents. If He doesn't see fit for us to birth the kiddos ourselves, then we will go the foster-to-adopt route. Not that this route is any easier, I know it comes with a lot a pain, sweat and tears too. At this point, however, if Josh didn't want to try having another baby so badly, I'd of already thrown in the towel and gone forward with plan B.

Maybe its hormones, not sure. I just feel a little blaagh tonight! Guess I shouldn't have posted so many positive things on Sunday, lol!

On a more positive note, today was beautiful! The sun was shining and the air was dry. It was gorgeous.

My New Normal

2011-02-13T22:13:00.000-05:00

***Warning!!! Trish, I'm stealing your title!!!*** My new normal entails taking each day moment by moment. It means finally realizing that after 34 years, I am in control of NOTHING!!! It means dealing with the look of regret in a stranger's eyes when they ask you if you have any kids and you say yes, one in heaven. (I'm not going to lie about being a mom and when you ask something like that you are opening yourself up to anything!)My new normal involves taking time to relax and enjoy little things like birds chirping, rainbows, sunshine and children's laughter. My new normal includes activities like baking, cooking, and crafts to fill the time that was supposed to be spent rocking, feeding, and holding my angel baby. Finally, my new normal is holding onto every memory I have of my sweet baby boy and trying to make myself believe that I was a good mother to him and did the best I could. (I'm getting there!)

Never Enough

2011-02-13T22:05:00.000-05:00

So, I mentioned in my last post that I wrote a poem for JD. Molly, my sister ordered me a necklace charm that has his footprints on them. I wear it everyday. (I've learned from this experience that a butterfly is a symbol used for early loss.)Everywhere I look I see butterfly stuff. Maybe because spring is on its way, I'm not sure. All I know is that I've never noticed it before. Anyway, I want to buy everything I see. I don't, but I want to. I finally framed the picture of our hands and Josh hung it in our bedroom. I have a picture of JD's handprint in a frame on our bar in the kitchen.

Its funny how no matter what I do or others do for me to validate JD, its just never enough. Now mind you, I am ETERNALLY grateful to EVERYONE for the generosity and loving kindness. That's not what I mean. I guess what I'm getting at is I yearn so badly to have my little boy here with me and all the butterflies in the world will NEVER make up for that loss. I was telling Josh about that the other night. He told me that he agreed but that if seeing a butterfly or buying something with a butterfly on it made me feel better then enjoy it. I love my husband.

I guess I just want JD to know just how much we wanted and loved him. We prayed for him daily. Even while I was puking my guts up driving down the road I thanked God for my precious boy.

I want JD to know that because of his existence, I am a stronger person. I appreciate life and the people in my life. I feel honored to be a mom and can't wait for the opportunity to tell his younger brothers and sisters about him.

JD

2011-02-13T21:54:00.000-05:00

I found this blog called 'Loving Audry.' Audry's mom makes memorial candles for people who have lost their babies. I think I'm going to try and make one for JD. I wrote this poem to put on there. It goes like this...

Child of God
First Born
Our Butterfly
Mamma's Sweet Boy
Daddy's Little Hunter
JD
Nana & Paw Paw's Angel Baby
Cousin to Noah, Kayleigh, Thomas, Tucker, & Hadley
Nephew
Loved By Many
Our Angel in Heaven

Joshua David Register, JR.
October 10, 2010

Been A While

2011-02-13T21:47:00.000-05:00

Its been a while since I posted last. Looking back, I didn't realize just how much I really struggled through the month of January. Heck, who am I kidding... the past four months have been very dark. I am so thankful to my family, friends and wonderful husband who have supported me and carried me through. I know people have been praying for us and we are soooo appreciative.

Special thanks to Wendi and her gang for the beautiful flowers they sent me on my due date. Amber and Carolyn had a vinyl cling of a beautiful butterfly made and I put it on the back of my car in memory of JD.

I finally mustered up the courage to attend a support group for early loss that meets monthly. I think this will be a good thing. I've also been going to Babycenter.com and have joined a number of support groups on there.

I was contacted by Healthy Start a few weeks ago. They asked me to be apart of a research project to help prevent early loss. I agreed. They are going to put JD's name on a quilt. They will carry the quilt in the walk they have in October for Early Loss. I am honored to be apart of the project. I know JD was loved and validated by our family and friends but by taking part in this project, it validates his existence from others in society.

As far as the future goes...still not sure what God has planned for us in regards to being parents. I met with the endo a couple of weeks ago and she pulled up some research related to what the doctors think happened to us. After reading over it, I'm still left dumbfounded... yep, there is a correlation, but the chances of what happened is very rare. So basically we can try again but there are no guarantees. These days, there are no guarantees with anything. I meet with my OB this Friday to make a plan. YOu know me, I'm a planner. I'll be 35 in a few months and I want to have a plan. It only took us 2 tries with JD but I don't know if we will be so lucky the next time.

So, that's where we are at.

A Trip To Publix

2011-01-19T20:22:00.000-05:00

I went grocery shopping the other day at Publix. The sweet little cashier took his job quite seriously. He opened my carton of eggs and said, "Your eggs look great!" I was having a good day so I almost burst out laughing. Do you know how close I came to saying, "Honey, its not my eggs that are the problem... its my placenta!" I refrained for fear of getting sent to the Looney Bin!

Tomorrow

2011-01-19T20:18:00.004-05:00

Tomorrow was supposed to be my due date. I am supposed to be reading the last chapter of 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.' Instead, I am reading 'Tear Soup.'

Welcome to the Club

2011-01-19T20:18:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine just found she was pregnant. She waited to make the announcement at work until she told me personally. She didn't want to upset me. I was touched by her thoughtfulness. Two days after telling me she was pregnant, she found out she miscarried. I had no words. Me, who had just been through a similar experience, could not find the right words to say. I remember thinking similar things that well-meaning people told me that I didn't appreciate like, "oh, you can try again," "God has a plan," "hang in there." I asked Josh what to say. He said, "Tell her we love her and are here if she needs us." Perfect!

When you lose a baby, regardless of how far along you are, I truly believe you become apart of this certain club. A club nobody really wants to be apart of, but nevertheless, you are granted a lifetime membership to. A club, that despite how many members, you still feel alone and different. This is a club that despite your wonderful husband's efforts or your best friends' care and concern, they will never be apart of.

Ramblings of a Post-Partum Grieving Mother

2011-01-19T20:08:00.000-05:00

Before losing JD I never really knew what it was like to feel true pain. Sure, I've grieved the loss of loved ones but with time, that grief got easier. Losing JD left a hole in my heart that I don't think will ever close. I am a different person. I can't really describe it in words but lets just say I am different.

I can barely remember life before October 8th, the day we found out JD was gone. I've heard other people say the same thing after a tragedy occurs.

Amber went to visit a parent who's child recently died in a tragic accident. She told me that she was amazed at just well the mother was "holding it together." I remember those days. I read somewhere that often times immediately after a tragedy your body goes into some sort of shock to help you get through that initial horrible time. I remember that shock. Sometimes, I try to remember October 8th, for fear that I will forget JD or the events that led up to his delivery. Then the pain comes back and it hurts...its hurts so badly that I try to keep myself busy by doing other things (i.e. cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.) Avoidance often brings on the guilt and fear. Guilt that there is nothing I can do to bring my boy back and fear that I will forget him.

Deep down, I know I'll never forget him. I wear two charms around my neck in memory of JD. I carried him for six months. I held his lifeless body in my arms.

Not sure where I'm going with this one... I guess this is just the ramblings of a post-partum grief stricken mother.

This is My Prayer

2010-12-27T00:34:00.000-05:00

I've been reading this blog entitled, "Jesus Complete Me." Great read. Very uplifting. Tonight, these statements hit close to home..."Mature faith is knowing and trusting God always in all circumstances. It's giving up control. It's giving up the fight... to want more and to be more in Christ. It's about contentment, contentment in Him. It's about going wherever God leads and resisting sin. Resisting sin! It's about growing up!"

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:3 NIV

Whew... talk about needing that today. Not sure what's going on lately. I have this deep pain in my soul. There are times throughout the day when I feel like I'm walking through a dark tunnel. Despite all the shopping, time spent with my family and friends or how much my husband tells me things are going to get better, I can't seem to get out of this funk. Perhaps its because JD's due date is approaching, maybe its the holidays, or maybe just maybe its just because I lost my firstborn son and there's nothing I can do about it.

Not sure.

Baby Hadley

2010-12-26T10:11:00.000-05:00

Got to meet my niece yesterday for the first time. What a precious angel. I haven't posted much on here about her because it just hurt so much to know that six weeks after her arrival, JD was supposed to be born. She was born 12-10-10, exactly 2 months after JD's arrival/departure. She was born with the cord wrapped around her neck three times and in a knot. The first thing the nurse said when she came out was that she shouldn't even be alive. We all know why she's alive. She has a guardian angel watching over her. Anyway, after two weeks in the NICU, we still have to wait a couple more weeks for the doctors to run more tests to see if there was any permanent damage to her brain. I feel like she's going to be just fine.

Josh and I went over to Kelley and Thomas' and held her. I just cried and cried. It was sort of therapeutic. As much as it hurt me to think about her arrival, it was so peaceful to hold her. I guess that's what bittersweet means. I had to block out the painful thoughts of my boy being gone and rejoice that Hadley is here.

Amber asked me how I felt afterwards. All I could say was bittersweet. You know, people are right. It probably won't matter if I have 10 babies. I will never be the same Janie I was before losing JD. Nothing is ever going to replace him. I just pray that the pain will lessen.

Hugs from within

2010-12-25T05:39:00.000-05:00

Its 5:25am and as usual I'm wide awake. I have no reason to be wide awake but nevertheless, I am! My due date is less than four weeks away. I am sad. I know it shouldn't be a big deal anymore. January 20th isn't my due date anymore. October 10th is.

Shortly after JD's death, a friend of mine who had also lost a child called me to talk. She asked if I had noticed anything different as a result of JD's passing. At the time, all I could think about was just how empty and lonely I felt (which, I still feel the emptiness.) If I had to think about anything positive that came of this situation it would have to be the way my mindset is these days. I notice things that I didn't before... a full moon, butterflies fluttering by, the way my husband looks at me. JD has taught me to slow down and relax (still working on that, son but thanks!)

Another dear friend sent me the sweetest note reminding me that when things get tough to reflect on the time JD was here with me. She said he hugged me from within. How is that a child who never breathed air could teach this old broad so much? He taught me to slow down and relax (yep, I typed it again.) JD has helped me to realize that no matter how much I want to be in control, its just not possible. He is a daily reminder that life is short and that I don't need to sweat the small stuff. JD is my proof that God really does have a plan. While my heart aches to not have my sweet baby boy here with me, it gives me great comfort to know that he is in heaven with his grandparents and Jesus. I know he is our guardian angel. I love you my sweet baby boy!

I love you.

Potatoes... Patotoes

2010-12-16T02:07:00.000-05:00

My endocrinologist finally called me back after a week and a half of me annoying/calling her. Of course, she told me the same thing the maternal-infant specialist did... nobody knows for sure why these sort of things happen... they just do. You know, for all these people's help, I could be a doctor too! Anyway, what kept pissing me off was her use of terminology. She kept referring to the loss of my baby as a "miscarriage." Now granted, two months ago, thats what I would have called it too. I've come to learn that what I had was a "stillbirth," NOT a "miscarriage." A miscarriage occurs before 20 weeks. A stillbirth can occur after that. Bottom line, I didn't bring my boy home from the hospital alive, so I guess it doesn't matter which word you use.

I guess I wanted her to use the correct terminology because I wanted to remind her just how rare my situation was and that people need to take this seriously and NOT wait so long to call me back. I'm sure someone who's had a miscarriage wouldn't appreciate that comment. I didn't mean that one is more painful than the other. Losing a baby is losing a baby... no matter what stage of pregnancy one is in.

Have I mentioned lately just how scared shitless I am to try this again? I am afraid that I will lose yet another baby or worse, cause one to have a disability and he or she suffer.

I currently have absolutely no faith in doctors, btw... JOsh keeps reminding me that they are humans too and sometimes they just don't know. He tries to compare their profession to mine and reminds me that sometimes despite my greatest efforts I can't meet the needs of my kiddos. He has a point, but I'm not buying it... I have a degree in education... NOT medicine. BIG difference. I guess if I've gotten anything out of all of this its that I need to be a more proactive teacher. I need to advocate for my students and try to find ways to help them achieve. Well...I'm rambling at this point and since its 2:06am, I'll try to go back to sleep!

My Mind Keeps Turning

2010-12-13T05:01:00.001-05:00

Its 4:40am and I can't sleep. My mind won't turn off. My OB prescribed me Ambian but I've run out of it. I think I've gotten used to it and now I can't sleep without it.
This weekend was bittersweet. Kelley had her baby. Selfish to say, I was dreading her upcoming arrival. I didn't want anything bad to happen to Kelley or Hadley but everytime I thought about her new joy, I was reminded of the loss I experienced. I wasn't sure whether or not to go to the hospital to visit her, but I did anyway. I tortured myself all week about whether or not to go. For my own selfish reasons, I made myself go. While we didn't get to see Hadley because she is in the NICU, we did see Kelley. It was good to see her. I think it helped me. I have been carrying some pretty heavy resentment towards her lately. I am sick of hunting season. Josh has been really good about spending time with me but I resent the fact that he can get away from things, go out in the woods and hunt. I can't get away. Do you know how many pregnant people I see in one day? Having a baby is all I think about.
One of Josh's cousins gave us grief because Josh wasn't waiting at the hospital Friday night for Hadley's arrival. She also thought I was tacky for asking a particular question about Hadley's delivery. Well, first of all, just exactly two months prior to Hadley's birth, we were at that same exact hospital delivering our dead son. Second, Kelley has the same doctor I have. I wanted answers as to why Hadley had complications at birth.
I guess at the end of the day, none of this matters... resentment, anger, frustrations. The bottom line is, I don't have my son. I was cheated and that sucks so basically I am looking for someone/something to blame this on.

2010-12-01T13:02:00.000-05:00

Josh and I went and met with a geneticist on November 19th. The doctor went over all my labs and basically told us that due to my hypothyroidism, I had high levels of antibodies and those antibodies attacked the placenta which in turn malnourished my son. I sat there and cried. It took me a few days for it all to sink in. I was angered and felt so guilty. I'm not sure realistically if I could have done anything differently though on my part. Before I got pregnant, I went to my endocrinologist and asked her what I needed to do to ensure a healthy pregnancy. We made a plan. I had my levels checked every 4-6 weeks. I didn't drink, smoke or do drugs (which I keep finding info on the internet about how all of this leads to stillbirth, imagine that?) I saw a maternal-infant specialist and my OB. I even researched on the internet about hypothyroidism and couldn't find anything out of the ordinary.

I felt guilty because as a mother, I felt like I had failed my child and my body rejected him. I was angry because the doctor told what we could do "next time" to possibly prevent this from happening again. He's suggesting aspirin and a combination of B vitamins. I swear to God everytime I went to the doctor I asked about my thyroid and if there was anything I needed to do special. Everyone said no, JD has a strong heartbeat, he's developing fine, everything looks good. How in the hell did they not pick up on an underdeveloped placenta? And why, did they not suggest the vitamins and aspirin as a preventative? I would have spread cow poop on my boobs if they would have told me it helped with having a healthy baby.

So why am I bringing this up almost 2 weeks later? I got the summary report of our meeting in the mail last night. It was one thing to hear the doctor, it was another to see his comments on paper. REALITY SUCKS!!!

Now, he seemed optimistic about us trying again but of course he isn't God and can't guarantee a healthy baby. So, I guess this is where faith comes into play, huh?

My Mom

2010-11-30T18:54:00.000-05:00

I really wish I knew how to post pictures on here now! I can't figure it out. I have the sweetest picture of my mother holding JD the night of his arrival/departure. My mother doesn't smile much in pictures and she often tenses up. This picture is priceless. She looks radiant, relaxed and in awe of my sweet angel baby. As I've mentioned before I often feel guilty because I didn't hold JD for very long after his birth but I am so grateful to the people that did, especially my mom. She even insisted on dressing him in his "going home" outfit. "Going home" outfit, hrm, I meant that sarcastically and then thought about it. He did go HOME. He's an angel now. Josh and I can honestly say we have one perfect child, lol! Anyway, I'm rambling...

So, growing up my mom was never into ribbons, bows or the latest trends. She was very protective of us, at the time, I thought she was controlling. Now, as a mom, I totally get her! Growing up, there was one thing you could always count on from my mom... unconditional love. You could tell her anything. She might get pissed but she would come around and you knew that everything would be ok. Many years ago, she told me that she prayed every night for Molly and I to find good husbands. Her prayers were heard. To this day, I am in awe over that prayer.

So, the point to this entry... Mom went to Disney with Molly, Eric and their kiddos last week. She was standing in the elevator holding Tucker and Thomas was latched on to her leg. This man in the elevator smiles at her and asks if those were her grandchildren and did she have any more. She said yes. She has one more in Heaven. My heart melted when my sister told me that story.

Just Wondering

2010-11-28T09:31:00.000-05:00

I've heard moms of second babies wonder before baby number 2 comes how they could possible love that baby as much as they love their first born. Then, once they hold baby number 2 all that wonder goes away. I'm not even pregnant yet, but I use to wonder that myself. One day I went to sit down at the computer and looked up and saw a picture of Josh when he was about 2 years old. My heart melted. Seeing that picture reminded me of his mom, Debbie. I never had the chance to meet her but from what I hear she loved her babies. I know by the way Josh treats me that he was definitely loved by his mother. (As I've mentioned before, Josh has an older brother was stillborn, so technically, Josh isn't the firstborn.) So, to answer my question, yep, I will definitely love baby number 2 as much as I love my angel JD. Now, we just have to pray for baby number 2.

Pain

2010-11-26T15:20:00.000-05:00

Its funny how my heart aches so badly for someone I never really knew. Yes, I carried JD inside of me for 6 months. I felt him kick but I never actually heard my son cry or felt the rise and fall of his chest. I have never hurt so badly in my whole life. I have never felt so totally out of control. I am miserable, angry and just plain pissed. My heart physically hurts. My doctor prescribed Lexapro for me to take.I am angered that I may have to take medication for something I had no say in. (I haven't taken it because I want to try and get pregnant again.) Then when I think about getting pregnant again, I am filled with fear. I am so afraid this will happen again. I feel so responsible for what happened. I was JD's mother. I was supposed to protect him. I failed my child.

Not So Helpful Things To Say...

2010-11-17T19:10:00.000-05:00

I'm sure I've said some of these things before so I'm just as guilty as the next person but in hopes that I don't make the same mistake twice, I'm blogging some 'not-so-helpful-things' to say to someone who has lost a baby:

1. God has a plan/It was God's will. I'm a Christian but you may as well have said, "F*@K Yourself." Whatever the plan is, right now I just feel like I've been "F*@cked over!"

2. You will have many more children. How the hell do I know if I'll have more children? It may not be "God's plan." Maybe my body can't handle another baby or maybe this will happen again. NOBODY KNOWS!!!!!!!!! The only person that can say this is my mom and when she says it, she doesn't incenuate that I'll birth the children myself. She always finishes the sentence with, "someway or another you will be a mom." I love my mother!

3. You sure had a long vacation. Five weeks sitting at home aside from the two d&c's and 20 days on antibiotics IS NOT a vacation!

4. How are you feeling? I know people mean well but come on? How do you think I feel? I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I use sarcasm and wit to cover it up but deep down, I feel like a load of crap!

5. You look great! Bullcrap! I have dark circles under my eyes, my boobs sag down to my stomach, my hips will NEVER be the same again AND I have nothing to show for it.

6. You didn't feel the baby stop moving? First off, I was only 25 weeks pregnant and he was my first baby. The stupid pregnancy books say you don't really start feeling the baby move until week 28. Second, fat girls don't feel them move until sometimes later than that! Third, have you met my husband? He is the most laidback, mildmannered person you will ever meet. I just figured his kid was the same way.

7. This one takes the cake... Granny isn't going to be around much longer. She had a dream about your baby. He's being taken care of in heaven. That is all fine and good but I don't want someone else taking care of my baby! I want my baby.

Ok, so I'm probably hurting people's feelings by blogging this. So, not my intentions. Like I've said before, I KNOW I've said the same things but today was just one of those days where my heart ached soooo bad that I had to let it out.

The Results Are In

2010-11-10T14:57:00.000-05:00

So, we got the news last Wednesday about what the doctors think caused JD's death. It wasn't chromosomal. They are chalking it up to a bad placenta. Hrmmm, the same placenta that malnourished my son is the same placenta that is causing infection inside my body and won't release itself! Tell me the irony in all of this, please?

I remember sobbing sighs of relief when Dr. McKinnie told us it wasn't chromosomal. My worst fear was that she was going to tell us we had something genetically wrong and shouldn't try to have more babies. Then I spent the next few days seriously pissed at her words. She told us we had a "healthy baby boy who died from placenta complications." I HAD a healthy baby boy. A HEALTHY baby boy. Sorry... I had to vent.

Not sure where I'm going with this entry. There so many things I want to write but can't. Maybe next time...

I do know that the main thing that gives me hope these days is the thought of trying to have another baby. I admit, it scares the crap out of me, but its also that tiny ray of light at the end of the tunnel too. Another baby will not replace my JD, nor do I want him or her to. I want my sweet angel to know how much I love him and that I am proud to be called his mother.

The Days of the Week

2010-11-03T13:03:00.000-05:00

I've met several wonderful people on this new journey I'm on. One friend in particular asked me if there was a certain day of the week that was toughest for me. I thought about her question. Its funny because its not just one day. Its alot of days. Thursdays hurt because that's the day my pregnancy week changed and I knew I was that much closer to meeting my beautiful baby boy face to face. Fridays stink because thats the day we discovered no heartbeat and that JD was gone. and well, Sundays...Sundays are just bitter sweet. Sunday is the day we delivered JD... the day we got to hold our little angel for the first time and say goodbye all in one day.

So, that pretty much leaves Monday through Wednesday and of course Saturday. As of right now, those days are pretty well...shitty too. I am trying NOT to wallow in self-pitty but this is my blog and so I'm wallowing.

2010-10-28T10:35:00.000-05:00

Before I got pregnant, I had a friend suggest that I read one preggo book and stick with that. She said if you read too many you will run yourself crazy. So... I followed 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.' That book sucks. I will NEVER read that book again, nor will I give that book to anyone as a gift! I know, I can't blame a book for what happened, but the book was so nonchalont about everything.

Life is full of irony and unpredictability. During my pregnancy, I wondered if I should get some parenting books and read up on breastfeeding and childrearing. I decided to wait and just focus on being pregnant. Now, I'm reading books on grieving and googling websites on the loss of your unborn child. I pre-registered for childbirth classes that were to begin November 2nd. Instead, I will be attending a support group for mothers who have experienced an 'early loss.' I feel so blag today.

Thank You DKR!

2010-10-28T10:08:00.000-05:00

Josh and his family often joke and call me "Little Debbie," after his mother. Josh often says its scary just how much I am like her. Its funny how I've never met this woman but feel so connected. Josh's mom lost a child too. Her first born son was stillborn at 40 weeks. I've never gotten the exact story as to what happened but nevertheless, it was devastating.

When I first moved in with Josh, there were pictures everywhere. Pictures on the walls. I found giant rubbermaid containers full of 10x13s, 8x10s & 5x7s. I found rows of albums filled with 4x6s. It drove me nuts. I love pictures but come on... where the heck do you put these things? She had EVERY school picture Josh and Kelley ever had taken. I'm talkin' the big $42 packs.

As I was going through the pictures, I have to admit, I was aggravated. Sitting here typing, I am in awe. I totally understand now. If given the chance to have more babies, I too, will probably have pictures on every wall, and some in storage too. My baby boy was only with me in utero for 6 short months and I have a complete baby book just for him. I have a wall portrait being made right now and numerous 4x6s of his sweet hands and feet.

I have a new respect for you Debbie Kelley Register. Thank you for that opportunity. Thank you for the love that you instilled upon your son Josh. I truly believe that is what has made him such a compassionate, loving husband. Thank you for the chance to live in the house that my husband grew up in. Despite the rickety porch and windows that need caulking, I can feel so much love in this place.

Guilt and Regret

2010-10-27T21:22:00.000-05:00

Guilt and Regrets... I can't put into words the way I felt when they handed JD to me. The doctor warned me that he had been through some pretty awful trauma and that his face would be disfigured. Its not his physical features that hurt me. All I could think was that my baby boy had been taken from me. His spirit was gone to heaven and this lifeless body I was holding was just a shell. I hurt so bad and was so angry that he'd been taken.

I only held him for a short time. I regret that. I'm his mama. I should have held him as long as I could. They offered to take pictures of me holding him. I refused. I feel guilty and regret that too. Again, a mother should be proud of her baby. I AM proud of my baby but at that time, all I could feel was pain, emptiness and loss.

Sweet Dreams Little Man

2010-10-27T21:13:00.002-05:00

"Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)"

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Life Before JD

2010-10-27T20:03:00.000-05:00

For some strange reason, I used to always think I had something to prove. My house had to be spotless, my car needed to shine, I always had to be one step ahead at work. I worried about hurting people's feelings. I worried about not having enough money. I worried when I didn't have anything to worry about! If there's anything I've gotten from all of this it's that NOTHING IS IN MY CONTROL!!!! This being said from the one who is a control freak...

I am working on this situation. It really doesn't matter how much one worries anyway.

Yours Not Mine...

2010-10-27T19:59:00.000-05:00

I bought a couple of books on grieving the loss of a child. Before I began reading one of the books I prayed that God would use the book to help me understand His plan for JD's loss. As I began reading, 'Grieving the Child I Never Knew,' by Kathe Wunnenberg, I heard these words come to my mind, "This child was never yours to begin with, Janie. He was a gift I shared with you and Josh for a short time." While I'm not exactly ok with that as of yet, I am reassured that my precious JD is in heaven with Jesus. I am thankful for the gift that God gave us, even if it was for 6 short months (no sarcasm intended there, Lord... I promise.)

I have to remember that my baby was indeed a gift that the Lord shared with us. While I am saddened, angry and lonely right now, I do know that God has a plan. I pray that one day I will discover that plan.

What Will You Be for Halloween?

2010-10-27T07:54:00.000-05:00

So, I met Josh yesterday at Party City to pick out Halloween costumes for a party we are going to this Saturday night. I was looking forward to it all day and then when the time finally came to pick one out I got all sad. My neck started hurting, I got a headache and walked out of the store with nothing.

I had an orange t-shirt made the beginning of this month that had a big pumpkin on the belly and it said,'Mommy's Little Pumpkin.' I was just getting big enough to wear it and knew that by halloween it would look cute.

I feel so guilty having fun these days. I can't stand the thought of going to a party and actually having a good time. This Friday will only be 3 weeks since we discovered JD was gone.

I am going as JD's mom this year for Halloween. A mom who is faking happiness and trying to gain some control back into her life. I think that's enough of a costume right there...

JD's Birth Announcement

2010-10-25T17:42:00.000-05:00

I was reluctant to entitle this entry 'JD's Birth Announcement.' He was stillborn. He never even breathed in air. I remember before his birth, I would contemplate the type of birth announcements I would send out. Would I scrapbook them or create digital ones? Would I send the pictures of his 4D ultrasound that were to be taken November 5th as thank you notes for his baby showers? I was so excited about sharing my boy with the people we love.

I am grateful to the nurses and doctors at TMH who made our emotionally painful experience less painful. I am eternally grateful to my sister Molly and best friend Amber for taking pictures of my sweet angel.

I can't figure out how to post pictures on here. When I do, I'll post some.

Butterflies, Rainbows and Shooting Stars

2010-10-23T10:20:00.000-05:00

I love reading other people's blogs, especially those that I have something in common with. There's one I've been reading for the past 2 and half years called 'Multiple Baby Pile-Up.' I didn't really have much in common with the author of this blog up until the loss of my JD. If you get a chance to read her blog, you should. She finds humor in sad situations and has two of the most beautiful girls ever. While the mother of this blog's mourning situation is a bit different, I liked the way she describes her son Jack to her girls. See, she was pregnant with triplets. Her sweet baby boy lived about two months. The girls are now 3. To keep their brother's memory alive she reminds the girls that everytime they see a rainbow, butterfly or shooting star its their Jack looking over them from heaven. Her comments give me hope in knowing that whenever I see one of those things, I am reminded of my angel baby looking over us.

A Pair of Shoes

2010-10-23T10:13:00.000-05:00

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Somedays my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown

So Now What...

2010-10-20T20:55:00.000-05:00

Its been almost 2 weeks since we got the devastating news that we lost our baby boy. Now what? I feel like I should be done with the tears but on the other hand I feel guilty when I don't cry. I have this gaping hole in my heart that yearns for my baby boy. I have to return to work on the first of November. I need some normalcy so I am looking forward to going back. I just have to prepare myself for the awkward silence and unwanted comments that people don't mean to say but do.

I'll be honest, I'm dreading the holidays. I don't want to spend them with Josh's family as they joyously await the arrival of Kelley's baby girl. Don't get me wrong, I pray that her sweet baby is healthy and that Kelley has a easy delivery but everytime I see her I am reminded of what I don't have. I am reminded that all my dreams were flushed down the toilet.

They say when a person dies, the living have a tendency to make saints out of the dead whether they were or not. I can agree with that to a point, however, in my case, my boy is/was/always will be an angel.

I was just beginning to feel him move inside me before he was taken away. His movements were faint little tickles that came whenever I drank something cold or ate something sweet. I had all these dreams and hopes for him. Brad Paisley has a new song out about having a baby boy. When Josh and I heard it we immediately thought about JD. I just knew my boy was going to be just like his wonderful daddy.

I know that I am not special by any means. I know that there are other women with similar stories. I am not writing this for attention but rather for therapy in hopes to keep me off meds and out of the looney bin. I am trying to figure out what is, as my friend Trish would say, "my new normal." I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions. One minute I think I am ok and the next I feel like somebody hit me with a mac truck.

I have so many fears and anxieties. The doctors ran tests on me, my placenta and JD to see if they could determine what caused his sudden death. Now, I have to wait for answers. I am not good at waiting. Josh and I want to try this again but I stand in fear that this could happen again or worse, there won't be a next time. I have racked my brain trying to figure what I did to cause this but nothing comes to mind. I do know that I stayed so tired and nauseated. I had a short temper and wasn't a very nice person during my pregnancy. Surely that's not the reason?

JD's memorial

2010-10-20T20:32:00.000-05:00

Josh's Uncle Gary performed a beautiful memorial service for JD on Saturday, October 16th. We decided to have JD cremated so we had a sterling silver box engraved with his name and date of birth to put his remains in. In lieu of flowers we asked people to make donations to Special Olympics, WAkulla. This way our Wakulla team can have new shoes and uniforms for competition.

Again, Josh and I were overwhelmed at the number of friends and family members that came to JD's memorial. Aunt Shirley bought JD a "going home" outfit several months ago. The outfit was way too big for our little angel. My friends Julie, Amber and Lisa left the hospital after visiting me on Saturday night and went to Dillards and bought him the preemie version of the outfit. That outfit was too small too. My sister Molly took the outfit to Amber's mom and she cut it down to size to fit JD! My mother and Molly took the outfit to the funeral home and Mom dressed him in his outfit and socks of course.

I stand in amazement at how much love my precious boy not only brought to this world but just how much love was shown to him in his short little life.

After the service, Josh and I wrote a letter to JD and tied it to a helium balloon. All the way home the balloon kept making its way to the front of the car. It was as if JD were saying, "Its ok Momma and Daddy, I am in heaven and doing good." It is comforting to know that he is there with Josh's mom, my daddy and grandma T. and many other relatives waiting to love on him. When we got home we let the balloon go and at first it wouldn't go up. Josh looked at the balloon and said, "go on buddy, we love you." Away it went into the sky.

Labor of Love

2010-10-20T20:18:00.000-05:00

They say God won't put more on you than you can handle. I don't want to question Him for fear He'll put more on us, but this is probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through. You see, I didn't get pregnant to fill a void. Josh and I discussed having a baby. Ours lives were already complete. We have a great marriage. We both enjoy spending time together and apart. We just wanted to bring more joy to our lives so we decided to become parents. I didn't drink alcohol,smoke, or anything that would jeopardize this pregnancy. I took my vitamins, had my thyroid checked and Josh went to every prenatal visit with me.

The on-call doctor gave us the option of waiting for me to go into labor on our own or being induced. We chose induction. I began the induction process on Friday, October 8th at around 9:30pm. They gave me Staydoll for the pain but told me I could have an epidural whenever I was ready. I decided Saturday morning around 9:30am to take them up on their offer. Physically, the worst part of the whole deal, wasn't the labor, it was the IV! I've decided that epidurals are definitely the way to go and I absolutely adore anethesiologists! I woke up at 11:45pm Saturday evening with the worst pressure ever. (I won't get too graphic.) The Noles were finishing up eating the Miami Hurricanes and here I was about to begin labor.

I can't even describe emotionally what I felt. I just knew this was something I had to do but I didn't want to do it. I knew it was a means to an end that I just didn't want to believe or let go of. I truly do not believe I could have made it without the support of my husband and those that were praying for us.

I'm not going to get graphic with the delivery part but let's just say it wasn't easy delivering a breech baby at 25 weeks. My body didn't want to let him or his placenta go.

My precious angel JD, was born 10-10-2010 at 1:10am on Sunday morning. He had the longest feet and fingers. He weighed 1 lb 5 oz and was 14 and a half inches long. Despite the trauma at birth, you could still see his daddy's features on his sweet face.

I am overwhelmed at the friends and family members who drove over to TMH at midnight to be there for his birth. That means so much to me.

Our Story

2010-10-20T19:58:00.000-05:00

Josh and I got married February 27th, 2010. Those of you who know me know that I waited a very long time to find Mr. Right. I joke about it now and say that I had to wait for him to reach puberty and come of age to date him, lol! I am 4 and half years older than he is. Josh is everything I prayed for in a husband. He is patient, determined, loyal and sensitive.

We had the perfect wedding. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. We were surrounded by the people we loved and despite the cold weather, everything turned out just as we had planned. I had my dream wedding.

We both knew we wanted children. Being aware of my age and how long "they" say it takes to get pregnant the first time, we decided to try right away. Imagine our surprise when after one full month of being off the pill, I became pregnant! What was really exciting is that Josh's sister Kelley was six weeks pregnant when we became pregnant. How wonderful it would be to have cousins so close together... or so we thought.

I had the worst morning sickness throughout the entire 6 months I was pregnant. It wasn't just in the morning either. Anything and everything set me off with the nausea but everytime I'd go for an OB appointment and hear JD's heartbeat or see his little profile on the ultrasound machine, it made it all worth it. I don't know who was more overjoyed to find out at week 19 that we were going to have a beautiful baby boy. We knew right away his name was going to be Joshua David Register, Jr. Just looking at the US pics he already had his daddy's profile. We decided to call him JD.

Josh hung new drywall and painted JD's room a tan color. A friend from work gave me the sweetest western crib bedding set. My mom bought JD's crib and dresser. Josh put it all together the day she bought it. We were so excited. At week 24 mom and I went to Babies R Us and registered for baby supplies. Josh and I had signed up for childbirth classes. They were to begin in November. We made an appointment to have 4D pictures made of JD for November 5th. We were ready.

All we needed was for January 220th to arrive so that we could meet our sweet baby boy. Imagine our devastation when we went for a routine 25 week OB appointment and discovered there was no heartbeat. JD was gone.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

2010-10-20T19:35:00.000-05:00

I decided to change the title of my blog. My best friend, "surrogate sister" called me the other day to tell me that her children were going to plant a lemon tree in JD's memory. She asked them why and my eldest nephew, Noah replied, "because Mom, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." How precious is that? I am sitting here trying to think about what to write and where to begin. I am blogging again for the first time in 10 months in hopes to help ease the pain I feel. I quit blogging when I got busy earlier in the year with planning my wedding and getting hooked on Facebook. I still enjoy Facebook but some of the stuff I plan to blog about is too personal to post on there.

Holy Cow...

2010-01-09T10:03:00.006-05:00

Where has the time gone?!? I was looking at my blog and realized that I haven't written anything since early September! What a slacker. To be honest, its been crazy around here. Shortly after my last blog we welcomed Tucker Edward Clore into our family. Thomas Ralph Clore was proud to announce the birth of his baby brother on September 18, 2009. He weighed 7lbs 10 oz. He is a real cutey pie with a serious streak. He sort of goes with the flow as long as long as he's fed on time and has a clean bottom! That's not too much to ask. Thomas loves Tucker and makes him laugh at the drop of a hat.

Anyway, I love being an aunt and wish I had more time in the day to spend with them all.

The Little Things In Life

2009-09-09T00:14:00.002-05:00

These days, it doesn't take much to get me excited. I was thinking about some of them at 1:15am this morning as I'm hacking my lungs up from one of those beginning of the year colds!
5 for $10 name brand cereal
cars that don't blow smoke out the muffler
not having enough dirty clothes to wash a full load of laundry tonight
making two meals tonight for dinner so that we don't cook tomorrow (notice I said, "we." My man is good!)
Spending the afternoon with my mom and nephew feeding ducks at Lake Ella (YEs, I did help feed ducks!)
There's plenty more but I think the coughing has subsided and I've got to get some sleep!

This Time Last Year...

2009-09-09T00:06:00.002-05:00

This time last year I was on cloud nine because Josh told me he loved me. I was also confused and uncertain about the future and where that love would take me. This time last year I was slowly getting the hang of teaching 8 little friends with severe and profound disabilities. I came home exhausted but happy about their sweet enthusiasm.
Now... its that time, THIS year and I couldn't be more settled. Living in a double wide helping to care for my soon-to-be father-in-law.
...Knowing that at 5:15pm I can guarantee that the man of my dreams will be pulling into the yard from work. Anxously awaiting the birth of my third nephew. Taking in a roller coaster of emotions as I plan my very own wedding. Who'd of ever thought that!?! Time sure does fly and I'm trying to take in every minute and appreciate those little things in life!

An End To A Legend...

2009-09-03T20:17:00.003-05:00

I've been living in denial for quite some time now. Reality hit me two Fridays ago. I was in the drive-thru at McDonalds when all of a sudden I hear a loud baboom as white smoke came swooshing out of my Honda CRV. I left the car at my parents' house and waited for the news. My step-dad called me and told me it was time to bury it. The compressor was bad, the radiator fan needed to be replaced, (not to mention he had just replaced the radiator a month before,)the transmission was skipping and the catalytic converter was well... we weren't sure when it was going to go but its been bad for over 5 years.(there were more issues but after 217,000 miles, who's complaining?) On August 28th, 2009, I said my final goodbye to my sweet ole Honda CRV. I tell you, I felt like I was giving a kid away. I even cried. I felt like a traitor driving home in my new 2009 Hyundai Santa Fe. Its been a whole week now and the grief is slowly going away. It helps that I have cold air coming out of the a/c vents and my driver side window rolls down with the press of a button. I'm blessed to have gotten a great interest rate and a reasonable payment.

Engagement Pics

2009-07-29T19:51:00.008-05:00

Random Thoughts

2009-07-23T04:15:00.002-05:00

Its 5:15am and I can't sleep because my sinuses are draining and I can't stop coughing. I decided to get up and blog so that poor Josh could get some sleep. I just took a Zyrtec and my nasal spray. Now I'm eating Wheat Thins and drinking Diet Mountain Dew. So much for my 3-day protein only diet! I figure if I continue to gain/lose the same 4 pounds I'll be ok. LOL!

Its hard to believe that I'll be Mrs. Joshua Register in less than eight months. While its got to be the scariest thing I've ever done, I definitely feel its apart of God's plan. The saying, "good things come to those who wait," is definitely true. Now don't get me wrong, the grass ain't always greener over on my side of the doublewide but it sure gets cut on a regular basis and I have unconditional love from a man who makes me feel like I'm a princess. Is it possible to grow more and more attracted to someone as time goes by? I guess I'm scared because of my past relationships, fear of being left alone and things I've seen happen in other people's relationships. ( I know that was so incredibly wordy, but hey... 5:20am!) Anyway, I just pray everyday and try to keep an open line of communication.

My friend Wendi's daughter will be going to school in St. Augustine in the fall. I am so excited for her. Wendi jokes and says she is me made over. While I'm honored, and I definitely see the similarities, I'd have to say Chellsea has a lot more spunk than I did at her age. Her self-confidence exudes her. Anyway, she told me the other day that her anxiety is building because of the unknown but she knows its all apart of God's plan for her. My advice to her was to enjoy every minute/opportunity she has and not to worry so much about the future. Gee... here's a thought... maybe I should take my own advice!

Well, I think the Zyrtec is kicking in. I'll blog later on. I have some wedding updates to share. Love, J

My Newest Nephew

2009-06-30T21:03:00.002-05:00

Here are 3-D/4-D ultra sound pictures of Baby Tucker... that's what Thomas calls him. Poor kid... he'll be Baby Tucker even when he's 30. Anyway, he's already bigger than Thomas was at 27 weeks! Molly is huge. I told Thomas that Molly ate Baby Tucker and that's why she's so big. He looked at me very confused and asked, "Mamma, why you eat Baby Tucker?" In the first picture he's actually smiling. Molly said that after about 4 or 5 pics he got pissed and quit smiling. He's so big they had to poke and prod to get good pictures. I don't have a picture of the money shot, if you catch my drift, but lets just say... he and his brother will be no competition in the locker room!

Its funny how I've never even met this kid and yet I feel a connection. I am so excited about our newest edition. I can't believe all the love that surrounds me. Its overwhelming at times.

Change of Plans

2009-06-19T08:51:00.003-05:00

We are getting married February 27, 2010 instead of April 3rd. Originally, I wanted to get married at a place called Bradley's Pond but they were booked for April 3rd. Apparently, everybody likes to get married in the spring. So, I decided to get married at the church I grew up in and have the reception at the Shriner's Club, just like my sister did. I set the April 3rd date not realizing that was Easter weekend. I thought that weekend would be perfect because it was the start of my spring break. When I called the church to find out when I could have the rehearsal they told me I couldn't because of Easter festivities going on that week. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really wanted to get married at Bradleys. Soooo, after discussing all of this with Josh we decided to go with Bradley's. February 27th was the latest they had available before my spring break so we took it!

Wedding Plans

2009-06-10T18:25:00.003-05:00

Here is the website for our wedding: http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/JanieTucker&JoshuaRegister. Its a work in progress so bear with me. Since I can remember, I've dreamed of having the perfect wedding. Now the time has come to plan and I'm a bit overwhelmed. I never knew there were so many shades of teal! It'll all come together.

Thank the Lord... We did it!

2009-06-10T15:20:00.004-05:00

As I've mentioned before, Josh's dad Tiny had a stroke back in late February. It left his left side pretty weak. Before the stroke he weighed around 350 pounds. He is now under 300. He is able to walk using a walker but his left knee is bone to bone and sometimes it gives out on him... get the picture.

Anyway, he had some errands he needed to take care of today so I took him. Uncle Larry came by and helped me get him in the car and then we were off. We had to take care of some things at the bank. I prayed very hard that I'd be able to help him get back inside the car. I realize now that my CRV is quite narrow and doesn't accommodate tall people. Anyway, the Lord was looking down on us today and all was well. Tiny got in and out of the car all with little help from me and he didn't have to go to the bathroom while we were out!

As I'm blogging this, I'm reminded of the people I saw this weekend in Orlando. I went to the Family Cafe. Its a conference for families and caregivers of people with special needs. My heart went out to the families I saw with older children in wheelchairs. Of course I felt for the children too. A lady had to change a 12 or so year old girl on a changing table designed for a small child. There are times I get disheartened because we can't just pick up and go like most young couples can then I'm reminded that there is a reason for everything. And, just when I think I have it bad, I think back to when I lived alone in my house and how I knew something was missing but didn't know just what it was. Life isn't so bad afterall!

My Boys

2009-06-10T15:07:00.003-05:00

This is a picture of Josh and his daddy May a year ago at Kelley's wedding. I sometimes have to laugh at how humorous life can be. My daddy died when I was 12. My whole life I wanted nothing more than to have a daddy. Now that I am marrying Josh not only am I getting a husband but I got a dad too. (Although, he's more like our son most of the time, lol!)I guess its a 2-4-1 deal.

Janie and Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day!

2009-06-10T14:59:00.005-05:00

If you've ever read this book you'll understand the title of my blog. Its a cute book about a little guy named Alexander who has a very bad day. That was me, yesterday.

See, I took this class with our district called Level II Leadership program. It was a wonderful opportunity to learn about administration and the Florida Leadership Standards. As a culminating activity, each candidate was required to go through something called Targeted Selection. In a true TS, its an opportunity for school board administrators to interview candidates who are applying for a principal/assistant principal's position. It involves a team panel of "big wigs" who ask you questions about your leadership experiences. Then, as you are answering the questions, they critique you on your answers.

I had on my calendar that I was supposed to go through TS on Wednesday, June 10th. Guess what??? My interview was Tuesday, June 9th. I'm teaching Voluntary Pre-K this summer. So, our school secretary called me out of the cafeteria around 8:30am Tuesday morning and says, "Janie, the HR lady just called and said you are supposed to be in an interview right now." I gulped! Fortunately another teacher was going through the same interview and was dressed for the occasion. So, she switched times with me. I, on the other hand, was dressed in flip flops, shorts and a t-shirt. I had a pair of dress pants in my car that I needed to return to a friend. My principal told me to go and do whatever I needed to get ready. So, I made a mad dash to Wal-Mart bought a $7 pearl set, blouse, pantyhose and a $2.50 pair of heels. I have to say, I didn't look too shabby.

Unfortunately, I went in to the interview with a complex... I was embarrassed about switching up the days and I also didn't study enough (i.e. I thought I had one more day.) To top it off, my very first principal was also in the room. I have the utmost respect for him. Talk about nerves! I felt like I was on The American Idol. The first guy to ask me a question, let's call him Simon, was brass and told me right away, before I even had time to show any emotion, that if I was emotional to suck it up because they were about to lay it all out there. That of course caused me to turn a bright red. Then, once I began answering the question he says in a loud voice, "stop right there!" and critizes my answer. Needless to say, the waterworks began. I haven't been this humilated since I tried out for the flag corp in high school. The head HR lady was in the interview with me and she suggested we go get a drink of water. I'm telling you, if I could have, I would have ran far, far away but she encouraged me to go back and give it my best shot. To make a long story short, I survived. While it was painful, it was definitely a great learning experience. I'm thankful to have been apart of it. I also know that unless I start taking testosterone shots (that was my nice way of saying, "growing balls,") I have absolutely NO desire to become a principal.

I pretty much cried off and on the rest of the day. That evening I was thinking about things and realized that maybe it wasn't so much the interview as it was I had doubled up on my birth control pills because I had forgotten to take them the night before. I think I OD'd on hormones, lol! Geez Louise!

That night, Josh and I were able to go to dinner. I had a very large beer and a great dinner. So, at least the day ended on a good note!

Mother's Day 2009

2009-05-25T21:02:00.005-05:00

We enjoyed a delicious meal at Marie Livingston's again this year. No, Molly didn't eat too much. She's preggo! Tucker Edward Clore will be making his debut mid September. We are thrilled!

Hey Blogger Fans... I'm back!

2009-05-25T18:45:00.003-05:00

I'm the biggest slacker ever. I just realized that its been 2 whole months since I've blogged! I do have good excuses though. About a week after I last blogged, Josh's dad had a stroke. It did some serious damage to his left side. It took us a week to get the neurologist to realize the seriousness of the situation. Then he spent a week in the hospital being evaluated. Finally, he went to rehab and was there for about 2 months. During that time, we were back and forth visiting him and making sure that he was being cared for.

During all of this, I was slowly moving my stuff into Josh's house while he was remodeling a bedroom for me. He finished it Mid march. It looks fantastic. I'll have to post some pictures. I put my house on the market in April for rent. My renters moved in May 15th. So, between April and May, Josh worked hard to patch holes and move heavy furniture out of my house.

Josh's dad came home May 1st. He is doing remarkable but he can't be left alone and needs assistance getting in and out of bed.

May 13th, Josh and I celebrated a year being together. I can't believe where the time went. It feels like we've been together forever though. Its funny how one person can complete my life the way he does.

This past weekend we went to St. Augustine for our anniversary and JOsh proposed! I was shocked. I knew it was coming but I had no clue as to when or where. I'll post pictures of the proposal once I get them developed. My camara died so I had to buy a disposable one. I'm working on a wedding website. Once I get some more details, I'll send everyone the link.

I know most of you have already seen the picture of the ring but here it is again:

I have dreamed of this day and now that it is here, I am still in shock! I feel like a princess. Ok, enough with the mushy stuff...

I'm actually the queen of this double wide trailor! LOL! Seriously, there's so much to be done around here. Please pray that God gives me the calmness I need to not get overwhelmed by it all. Its not like the boxes are going to go anywhere. And as for the remodeling... well, all in good time!

Valentine's Day 2009

2009-02-23T20:38:00.006-05:00

This had to be the best Valentine's Day ever. Not only did Josh buy me the most beautiful bouquet of roses, he brought them to me at work! I was sick as a dog with a double ear infection on Valentine's so Josh took care of me and even grilled me a steak, made twiced bake potatoes and a salad to die for. I am one lucky woman.
I had to laugh when I looked back at last years post about Valentine's Day. Here is a picture I posted:

Things sure have changed for me!

I Hate Embarq

2009-02-23T20:33:00.002-05:00

You know, you'd think after transferring my phone number and internet as much as I do, it would be a piece of cake, right? WRONG!!! Talk about sending me over the edge, this time about did it. I transferred my phone service to Josh’s house the second of February so Embarq assigned me a new phone number. (That would be the 574 # that I text to everybody, first.) The phone service was supposed to be connected on Wednesday, February 11th. I get home and try to call the number and guess what??? The 574 # doesn’t work! Instead I have a 575#. (That would be the second number that I text to everybody!) On Thursday, I called and complained. By Friday, not only was my internet not up and running, I had no phone service at all!!! After spending 3 days on the phone with Embarq and expressing my extreme unhappiness they fixed the problem. Those of you who know me from my “partying” days, know that I am notorious for transposing numbers so I figured it was my fault for the confusion. This time, it wasn’t!

Lots and Lots of Updates

2009-02-23T20:24:00.004-05:00

I know, I'm a slacker. Its been a whole month since I've blogged. This has been for a number of reasons. First because, I've been spending most of time at Josh's house and didn't get my internet transfered here until last Monday. I will post a nice long entry about that fiasco in a moment. Two, things are going pretty well with the move situation and I'm afraid that if I blog, I'll jinx it. I almost had a nervous breakdown (not really but you know what I mean...) at the beginning of the month when I transfered my cable and phone services to Josh's house. At first I thought it was because I felt like I was giving up my brand new house for an older house that wasn't even mine. Then as the week progressed and I actually shared my feelings with Josh, I realized it wasn't so much the physical/cosmetics of the whole deal but rather that I feared losing my independence by living with him. Josh has been soooo patient with me and I now realize that it doesn't matter if we live in a tent. What matters is that we are together. I think I've found a keeper. Which of course is another big adjustment. I'm used to being on my own, taking care of me and basically doing things on my own. Its taking some getting used to but I'm slowing adjusting to having someone there to help me and love me for me. (you know what I mean, someone besides my mother, lol!)

The House On 59 Chickat Trail

2009-01-23T19:28:00.002-05:00

I think I've finally decided to put my house up for rent and move in with Josh. I'm going to list it with a realty company so that I don't have to deal with crazy rentors. Please pray that I can even find somebody to rent it and that they will take somewhat decent care of the place.

The other day I was thinking about this house and just how much I love it. I've been going back and forth about this move because for one, it was such a big deal for me to buy this place and two, its mine... (well, actually it belongs to Chase for 29 more years) but what I mean is, I decorated it to my likings, I picked it out, and well, you get the picture.

It didn't hit me until this morning while I was getting ready for work, that this house has served it purpose. When I bought it, I was at a point in my life where I thought I'd never get married and I needed to make some plans for the future and settle down. Buying this house made me feel like I had accomplished something. It helped fill some of the emptiness in my life. Unbeknown (spelling?) to me, the man of my dreams was living 27 miles away and I was teaching with his cousin!

After thinking about the purpose this house has served I started thinking about the other numerous places I've lived and despite how small or old they were I always seemed to make them feel homey.

Ironically today, Amber brought in this cd recording of her pastor's sermon from last Sunday. In it he talked about worldly possessions and how none of them really matters. What matters is loving God and being in His will. The pastor also talked about being with/doing things for the people you love. That made me think of Josh. I truly love him and I feel at home when I'm at his house. I can decorate his house and make it just as homey as my house on 59 Chickat Trail.

Now that I've blogged my guts out about this matter, please pray that I don't have a panic attack and change my mind,lol!

I pity the day when...

2009-01-23T19:21:00.002-05:00

my nephew Thomas plays team sports. Tonight I went out in the freezing cold to watch Noah, my oldest nephew play soccer. He is really good at it, by the way. Anyway, this bigger kid on the other team kept elbowing the players on Noah's team when they came in contact with the ball. I don't know much about sports but I do know that in soccer you are NOT supposed to touch the players. The coach from Noah's team discussed this with the refs at half time and they just laughed and shrugged it off. I'm not quite sure what came over me but when I saw the kid elbow Noah I jumped up and yelled as loud as I could, "get your hands off of him." It was sheer divine intervention that I didn't curse b/c those of you who know me, know that I have the mouth of a sailor. It was sort of funny the way it all happened because I didn't even think twice. I just instinctually yelled. I have a feeling I'm going to be the mom that's banned from the field!

Family Pic

2009-01-09T18:07:00.003-05:00

Here is a picture we took on Christmas day. Again... bittersweet... bitter without my daddy, but ever so sweet because of Josh, Eric and Thomas. Anyway, I love this picture. I just notice that I think both Eric and Josh's eyes are closed. Too funny!

Hunting 101

2009-01-02T19:56:00.002-05:00

I forgot to blog about my hunting experience back in November. While it was great to spend the day with Josh, let's just say I've decided that is his thing and from now on, we will leave it at that. He can hunt and I'll shop.

In case you ever decide to go hunting here are a few things I learned from my short lived experience...
1. take a bucket and a tarp in case you have to go potty (I'm not talking about peeing, if you catch my drift.)
2. take along a cell phone, books, magazines and/or a laptop (you will sit for hours!)
3. bring a lot of snacks (just incase the dogs get lost and you have to wait around to find them)

It ended up pouring down rain that afternoon and the only thing we saw was an 8 foot gator! I think Josh planned that so that I would never want to go with him again, lol! He asks me from time to time with a big grin on his face if I want to go and I politely tell him "h*!l no"

Christmas 2008

2009-01-02T19:38:00.003-05:00

This Christmas was bittersweet. It marked the 20th anniversary (if that's the correct wording) of my daddy's death. It was also my first Christmas with Josh. He bought a beautiful diamond necklace along with some other things. He also gave me a card that he wrote a sweet message inside of. I sound shallow talking about the gifts. It wasn't the gifts that made it so special it was him being there. He helped me decorate my Christmas tree. He made gingerbread cookies for my kiddos at school. He also met my mom's side of the family and lived to tell about it! I'm not sure how I got so lucky to find such a good guy but I did. I've never had anyone treat me so good or make me feel the way he does. Maybe that's why this Christmas was so bittersweet. My sister said she sort of felt the same way this year. Life is going really well. So well that its scary. I know I can't live life in fear of what tomorrow will bring but its so hard not to. There were times this holiday season that I cried for no apparent reason. Looking back I think it was the fear of losing something so wonderful. Poor Josh, he's a trooper. I hope that I get better about this in time.

This is my favorite picture so far. It was taken on Christmas Eve. I'm not sure why Josh looks so red. He's not really!

Updates

2009-01-02T19:17:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged about anything serious in quite a while. The funny thing is I have a ton to blog about but am unsure how to put it all in words. Where to begin... Thanksgiving weekend Josh asked me about moving in with him. While I'm excited about this I am also scared as hell. First of all, I've been on my own for quite a while now. I love spending time with Josh but I also like that when I need a break I can go back to my house. Then there's the fact that there is no way I can sell my house with the way the market is right now. I think I can rent it out but my fear is that I can't. And if I can't, I can't afford to help Josh with his mortgage. (He laughed when I told him that and said that I'd be investing in our future by continuing to pay on my mortgage and not to worry about that.) However, my pride continues to get in the way...

On a positive note, its funny how comfortable I feel at his house. Its warm and you can tell that its seen alot of love over the years. It does need some cosmetic surgery but I think I can handle that. The house used to belong to his mom and dad so it's still decorated exactly the way his mom left it before she died. I explained to Josh that I feel like I'd be imposing if I came in and redecorated. He said he thought his mom would appreciate me changing things. We shall see... I've been doing things little by little. My plan is to wait until hunting season is over to make any major decisions about renting my place out and/or encouraging Josh to fix his place up.

One of my biggest fears about moving was lifted tonight at dinner. I was so afraid to talk to my mom about moving. I don't know why. I guess I was afraid I would disappoint her. This move would mean me moving 25 miles away from her and me giving up a house I worked so hard to get. My step-dad jokingly said to me tonight, "isn't about time for you to sell your house? You're never there." I casually mentioned that I didn't have enough equity in it but had thought about renting it out. My mom didn't even looked shocked. She said that would be a good idea until the market got better. I said I was scared to rent it out though for fear that things wouldn't work out between me and Josh and I'd be homeless. She rolled her eyes and said that I'd always have a place to live. So, now that I have her blessing, I feel much better.

While I love my house and am extremely grateful to have it, its just that... a house. It feels empty. When I'm at Josh's I feel warm. Not to mention the fact that I'm 12 minutes away from Osaka's, my favorite sushi restaurant!

Bottom line... I'm going to keep praying about it. We will see what the future holds.

Pet Peeves

2008-12-21T11:45:00.002-05:00

I've been pondering this list for quite some time now and thought I'd share my list of pet peeves...
1. "fun size" candy bars: I mean really, come on... you have to eat the whole damn bag to make it count.
2. people who ask you how you are doing and don't wait for an answer
3. automated telephone services
4. those little napkin kits with the spork, salt and pepper. The napkin is rediculous!

January 1st, 2009

2008-11-28T09:46:00.002-05:00

So, I started my diet December 31st 2007, and by June 15th 2008, I lost 50 pounds. I've managed to maintain that 50 pound loss give or take a few by some miraculous efforts. So, my plan is to start completely over to lose those last 20 pounds beginning January 1st 2009. This means, no more beer on Friday nights, no Twizzlers on Sunday afternoon, and for heaven's sake, no more Sonic grilled cheeses! I've got to get my fat behind back in gear with my running. I got sick a few weeks ago and since then I have found every excuse in the book not to exercise. No more excuses! I've got to do it for my health. I'm blogging this in hopes to keep myself accountable. We shall see. My prayer is that by my 33rd birthday I will be 140. That is not unreasonable.

Happy Thanksgiving 2008!

2008-11-28T09:36:00.002-05:00

I can't express how blessed and thankful I am for all that I have. While its an overjoyous experience, its also a worrysome, scary feeling all at the same time. I'm not even going to address that right now. Those of you who know me, know where I'm coming from with all of this. I guess all I can do is pray, thank God for what I have and ask that He keep everybody safe during this holiday season.

Yesterday was great. We spent the morning at Josh's sister's house for his family's Thanksgiving celebration. Kelley took the picture I posted. Thanks, girl! Afterwards, we went to my sister's house for Thanksgiving with my family.

I didn't get up this morning and shop. I have a terrible cough that I can't get rid of. I feel fine except for this cough that keeps me up all night. Not sure what to do about it. I've tried Mucinex, Robitussin, etc. I'm one step from trying a shot of whiskey with honey!

I'm supposed to go hunting tomorrow so I have to get better! This will be my first experience. I've been woods ridin' and helped spot during bow season but this will be my first experience with dogs and rifles. We shall see! Poor Josh, with working otu of town and trying to spend time with me, he hasn't had much time hunting. I'm hoping he gets a big buck this season. Well, that's about it. Love, J

Thanks Aunt Sharon!

2008-11-18T16:52:00.005-05:00

My Aunt Sharon sent me some old pictures from back in the day. Here are a few of them. It was really sweet of her and it brought back great memories...

Happy Birthday Cuz Erica!

Me with My Aunt Sharon

My Parents on Their Wedding Day... don't think I'll ever be fittin' into that dress!

The Last Time I Wore a Bikini...

Happy Halloween 1986

On Being Thankful

2008-11-09T16:38:00.004-05:00

I'm stealing this quote from Trish's blog. "Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never ever have enough." I'm thankful for this quote. It couldn't have come at a better time.

I love Josh. I love him so much my heart actually aches when I'm not around him. (don't puke and no, I'm not smokin' dope) He's been working in Fort Walton Beach for the past month. We talk every night on the phone and we spend pretty much the whole weekend together but when he leaves on Monday mornings to go out of town, I cry. Its the strangest thing. At first, I think I was worried he would get over there and realize how much he misses his free time (you know, before we got together), now I think its because I worry that he's going to get hurt or worse. Is this normal? My sister says it is, but then again we both come from the same family. We're a couple of kiddos who lost our daddy when we were 12 and 8.

Will it ever get easier? I need to be thankful for what I've got and enjoy it all I can.

Halloween 2008

2008-11-09T14:37:00.001-05:00

Here is a picture of me with my two favorite men on halloween!

City Girl Gone Country

2008-10-28T16:11:00.003-05:00

Yep, that's me... this weekend I went "woods-ridin." This would be Josh's idea of spending time with me while still having the chance to go hunting. Romantic... I know. LOL! I figure hey, it kept me from racking up my credit card at the mall and I got to spend time with my man. Of course, my dumb behind didn't think about the logistics behind, "woods-ridin" and brought along a 32oz Big Gulp of Diet Coke! Guess what?!? There are no port-o-lets in the Appalachicola National Forest. Those of you who know me, know what a prissy missy I can be. I have a hard enough time peeing in public restrooms for fear that someone will hear me! There was no stoppin' this Big Gulp from comin' out of me, though. So, Josh pulled off the road and I walked down into the woods and yep, I peed behind a tree. I'm proud of myself too. I only peed a little bit on the bottom of my jeans. All I can say is thank God I've lost weight b/c there is no way in hell I could have squatted like that at 200 pounds!

6 months ago today...

2008-10-28T15:51:00.002-05:00

I met the most wonderful man in the world. We met at Applebee's on Capital Circle and talked for nearly three hours! I was hooked, but scared. Three weeks later, he told me he really liked me and wanted to be more than friends. Four months into the relationship he told me he loved me. Now, its been six wonderful months. Its hard to believe that one person can make you feel so amazing.

I still haven't gotten my flowers, but from what I've heard from some friends is that those usually come after he's done something wrong, lol! I'm learning those things just aren't important. What is important is asking if he can help me when I'm sick, holding me when I'm crying for absolutely no reason, and calling me when he says he'll call.

Its funny too, because when I first met him, I thought he was ok looking, but now, after six months, I think he's the sexiest, most handsome man ever. Everytime I see him I think he looks better and better!

I'm learning to overcome fears and self-confidence issues through this whole process. Before Josh, I had built a wall around myself. I only allowed people to see limited parts of who I was. I was fearful of losing people I loved so there was no way I would ever let a man get close to me. That wall is slowly crumbling. I'm realizing that life is so much richer when you let people in. Yep, its still pretty scary but the rewards are so much greater.

Its true what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder. Josh is in Fort Walton Beach working for the next month and a half. Fortunately, he comes home on the weekends. I miss him so much.

As far as marriage and children are concerned... I don't know what the future holds. We've talked about both but there are some financial things we both need to work out. Josh also has some family obligations (no ex-wives or kiddos) that have to be taken care of. There are days when I think I'm ready for marriage and babies and then there are days when I feel like I have it good right now. I have my own house, he has his... you catch my drift. Please pray for me. Pray that God will give me the peace I need to wait and hear His plan in all of this. Pray that if it is His will for us to be together it will happen.

Hmmm...

2008-10-23T19:14:00.003-05:00

Why is it that I always feel like I have to be the best at everything? Why...Why... Why can't I be satisfied with the status quo? I have a good job that I actually love and I'm good at. I am thankful to have enough money to pay my bills but yet I feel like I need to do more. This is the first time in 10 years of teaching that I leave on time every afternoon without taking work home. Last fall, I applied to FSU's Educational Leadership program. This is an on-line program consisting of 8 classes that would allow me to go into administration upon completion of the program. I was supposed to take classes in the spring of 2008 but backed out. One, I don't know if I have what it takes to be somebody else's boss. Confrontations make me sick and I have a problem with wanting people to like me. So, I really didn't want to pay $1,000/class for something I may never use. I'm still paying on loans I took out for my teaching degree!

Anyway, I was asked to be apart of our district's leadership program. Its a two part process that is ideally intended for people who want to go into administration. My principal recommended me for part one last year. She kept encouraging me to go back to school. I am honored that she thought I had the capabilities to do so. This year, I'm taking level 2. I leave each meeting feeling pumped and wanting to take classes, but then once I get back into my everyday routine, I think about the added stress of taking classes. My new principal keeps putting me in these leadership positions as well. Again, I am thankful. I just hope that I do a good job.

So, I'm just not sure what to do. I love my life right now, but should I be thinking about the future and take these classes just in case?