Butterflies, Rainbows, and Infertility

Wow! Its been a year since I've blogged last. So much for keeping current. :) Anyway, been dealing with some things and thought it might be good to blog it off.

Josh and I have been trying to have another baby since JK, our rainbow was 10 months old. We had tons of test ran and all they can say is that I am old and should lose some weight. Can't change the age part but have managed to lose 20 pounds but no luck. I have used OK, Clomid, even an IUI, but still no baby! Doc recommended IVF but we just do not want to exhaust our savings for that. We considered adoption but there is no guarantee with that route and feel JK is too young to  understand.

Its funny how when I was pregnant with JD, our butterfly, that I just took things for granted. I  just knew we were going to have 3 kiddos. This past year was really therapeutic for me. Through prayer, support groups, and lots of patience from my husband, I was able to finally grieve and let go of some raw feelings I have carried since losing JD four years ago. I was hoping that by letting go of some things, we would be able to have another baby.

Don't get me wrong, I am BLESSED beyond words. My husband is amazing. My precious baby girl (who is a big 3 year old now) lights up my world. I enjoy my job. We have resources to take small trips. We have a family/friends support system that is unimaginable. The list goes on and on...Yet, I have this nagging feeling that there's more yet to come.

At times, I feel selfish for wanting more children when I have so much already, but still...

So, for now- I want to work on being content. Being grateful for the things mentioned above. Just being...and if God blesses us with another rainbow then so be it and if not, then that will mean more spending money for my trip to Europe in 15 years with my little rainbow. :)

Advocare: Day One

My journey on Advocare... I went to the doctor on December 12th for a check up. I gasped when I stepped on the scale and it showed I weighed 212 pounds! 

The last time I weighed that much I was checking in  at TMH to have Jadie. Josh and I have been trying to have another baby for well over a year now. I've been on prednisone for hives and various meds to try to get pregnant. My new job doesn't help much either. No good excuses but the bottom line is I need to lose weight. I have gained 50 pounds in the past five years. Not cool! 

After my doctor's visit, I cut out sugary drinks and started drinking Spark. I lost 5 pounds in three weeks, had energy and felt better. Boy do I sound like an infomercial, lol! Anyway, I decided if the Spark made such a difference, I figured I'd do the 24 day challenge. 

I took pics last night and got Josh to measure me. He is so amazing. I was down on myself for gaining so much weight. He told me to stop. He said, "When I look at you, physically, I see the same woman I fell in love with. Emotionally, I see a strong woman who gave birth to two babies in two years and put all of us before herself. You're beautiful the way you are." God, I love that man!

Today hasn't been too bad. One funny thing I did notice was how I have to make a conscious effort now not to eat Jadie's left overs. I'm excited to see the progress I've made by day 24!

Bottom line- I'm doing this to feel better and have more energy for my family. If I lose weight- that will be a blessing to.

Its a been a while... Life has been busy.  I went back to work in January when Jadie Kate was 11 weeks old and life has just been whirling by.  My sister, Molly took care of JK for us from January to May.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect transition.  My sister was amazing with her.  I'm off for the month of June and  have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my sweet miracle. I can't believe she's 8 months old already!

Jadie Kate has developed quite the personality.  She  looks just like Josh but she sure has my temper!  I'm glad in a way. I hope she will continued to be strong-willed and not take crap off people.  I'm beginning to brainstorm ideas for her first birthday party.  I am so excited.  I admit, there have been days when I couldn't think that far off for fear that it wouldn't happen.  I've relaxed a bit but the waves of anxiety still hit me from time to time.  I continue to pray ALOT and check on her about 5 times during the night while she is sleeping.  I want her to know just how amazing she is and how much joy she brings to us. 

There was a time in my life when I honestly didn't think that joy would return.  I often imagine my heart looking like one of those scrap paper art projects kids make in school.  You know the kind where the teacher draws the heart on the paper and the kids tear up scraps of red and pink paper and glue it inside the heart.  Silly, I know but visualize for me.  When JD died my heart was ripped into tiny little pieces and left on the floor.  Since Jadie Kate was born those pieces have slowly been put back together to make me feel whole again.  I'm still raw around the edges but I feel better. 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post.  I've just had a lot of random thoughts roaming through my head so I figured I should write them down.  Its unreal to me that in a little over 3 months, I could have had a 2 year old busy little boy and a 1 year old fiesty little girl.  Instead, I have a two year old butterfly and beautiful one year old rainbow.  I am full of so many emotions: anger, guilt. regret, gratefulness, joy, sadness, excitement.  Its overwhelming at times. 

Those Raw Feelings Keep Coming Back

Despite my life being so full right now those raw feelings keep coming back. I have a babyloss momma friend who I talk to from time to time. We were talking the other day about how surreal this experience is. There are days I will be driving down the road and think to myself, I lost a baby. I carried a baby boy for 25 weeks and had to deliver him dead. All I have left of him are a few pictures and his ashes in an urn on my dresser. Sorry for being so blunt but its the truth. I swear thats the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope that by saying this, that God doesn't test me on this one. I have two children but only one of them is here on earth with me. I remember when my dad died my grandma telling me that as a mother one of the hardest things you never expect to do is bury your child. I remember how devastating that was for her. Little did I know that a couple of decades later I would be doing the same thing.

I have a Joshua David in my preschool class. He was getting frustrated learning how to write his name. As I sat there helping him I teared up thinking about how I will never teach my Joshua David how to write his name. Despite my sadness, I thanked God for to the opportunity to teach someone else's Joshua.

I have a friend undergoing radiation for an inoperable tumor. She is an amazing woman. She has taught me to find the silver lining in everything. If you don't, you will sink into a deep dark hole.

There are days I want to forget that I am a babyloss momma. I don't want to forget my precious JD, I just want to bury the pain that goes along with losing him. Then I remember that I can't forget. Because by forgetting, I will lose apart of who I am. I am Janie Register... mother to an angel in heaven and a miracle here on earth. I need to remember that loss so that I appreciate all that I have right now.

Its Been A While

I haven't blogged in quite some time. My life has been really busy lately. I just thought my life was busy before Jadie Kate. LOL! I can't even begin to tell you how full and complete I feel these days. The day I became Josh's wife was one of the greatest blessings in my life but becoming Jadie Kate's mom has got to be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I know I'm a dork and being as how its 4:00am and my head is stopped up I'm probably not explaining myself correctly.

Sometimes I look at Jadie Kate and just cry. She is amazing. I thank God everyday for our little miracle. I pray that I will be the best mother I can be to her. I want Jadie Kate to know just how important she is to us.

I thought once she was born all those fears I had while I was pregnant would disappear. That's not the case. When I was pregnant with JD I had visions of what he would look like. I would get excited thinking about him hunting with Josh or playing t-ball. When he died, all those dreams went down the toilet. When I was pregnant with JK, I just lived for the day. I would celebrate each pregnancy week but I didn't have visions of what was to come. Sadly, I'm still having a hard time with this. I don't let myself see Jadie Kate as a toddler or dancing in a recital. I guess I'm scared that if I look too far into the future, my dreams will be taken from me again. I guess its not a bad thing to just relish in the now and appreciate this moment in time.

I went back to work on the 4th of January. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Jadie Kate stays with my sister, Molly. I drop her off around 7:45am and I try to pick her up by 4:00pm. I am so thankful for my sister. I know that JK is well taken care of. I miss being home with her all day and I find there isn't enough time in the day to get everything done. I'm learning to depend on Josh more and trying not to sweat the small stuff like the tub needing to be cleaned out or the kitchen needing to be swept. I have to constantly remind myself to slow down and remember what's important...

Going Through the Motions & Feeling the Emotions

Not sure what the point is to this entry but Jadie Kate is sleeping and I have time to kill so I thought I'd post... I remember after JD died this deep sense of loneliness I felt. I literally felt like someone had ripped my heart out and I was walking around with a piece of me missing. I remember walking aimlessly around the mall and various shops just to kill time but feeling bitter and empty. (its my therapy, some people eat, I shop)

Jadie Kate has helped heal some of that pain but its funny how despite 14 months later I can still remember it. There are times I still feel it. When I see a baby boy who is about 14 months old I think about JD. I can't stand to look at those sweet blue infant layette sets at Dillards. (We had one for JD to go home in.)

This isn't meant to be a pity party post. Its just me expressing my feelings. I've spent my life trying to avoid certain feelings, going through the motions without feeling the emotions. I can honestly say after JD died, that all changed. I felt every painful emotion that came along with losing him. These days, I rejoice when I see a yellow butterfly or a rainbow. I tear up and thank God every day when I get to hold my sweet Jadie Kate. My heart melts when she smiles. I also know that nothing in life is permanent so I aim to enjoy EVERY minute of EVERY day.

That Brown Rocking Chair

We jad JD's nursery almost complete by the first of October. All except a rocking chair... He wasnt due until January 19th so we figued we'd wait until Christmas & get one on sale. Then we found out on October 8th that JD was gone. I beat myself up for not getting a rocking chair sooner. It hurts me to know I never got to rock him. Shortly after JD died, I found the perfect rocking chair at Target. I didn't really have a need or the money for it but I bought it anyway & put it in the nursery. I spent many nights sitting in that chair praying & pleading with God to make me a mommy to a live baby. He fulfilled my dream. I make it a point to rock Jadie Kate in that rocking chair everyday. When I rock her I tell her about her big brother in heaven.

She's Here!

I can't believe our little rainbow has been here a whole month already! We are so thankful for her. Jadie Kate is precious. She was born via c-section at 38 weeks. She weighed 5 lbs 10 oz and was 18 inches long. Family members rushed out and bought us diapers and preemie clothes because everything we had for her was too big.

We tried the nursing thing but it just wasn't for us. One, Jadie Kate had a hard time latching on and two, I just wasn't producing enough milk. So, we are using formula. JK is up to 4 oz every 3-4 hours. She weighs about 7.5 lbs now.

She doesn't like to go to sleep until around 11pm or 12am but once she falls asleep she sleeps until around 3am. We are thankful for that. Overall, she is a good baby. We are so thankful she doesn't seem to be colicky or anything like that.

I can't tell you how overwhelmed I am at the prayers & encouragement people gave us during my pregnancy. I am so grateful for our little princess!