Wow! Its been a year since I've blogged last. So much for keeping current. :) Anyway, been dealing with some things and thought it might be good to blog it off.
Josh and I have been trying to have another baby since JK, our rainbow was 10 months old. We had tons of test ran and all they can say is that I am old and should lose some weight. Can't change the age part but have managed to lose 20 pounds but no luck. I have used OK, Clomid, even an IUI, but still no baby! Doc recommended IVF but we just do not want to exhaust our savings for that. We considered adoption but there is no guarantee with that route and feel JK is too young to understand.
Its funny how when I was pregnant with JD, our butterfly, that I just took things for granted. I just knew we were going to have 3 kiddos. This past year was really therapeutic for me. Through prayer, support groups, and lots of patience from my husband, I was able to finally grieve and let go of some raw feelings I have carried since losing JD four years ago. I was hoping that by letting go of some things, we would be able to have another baby.
Don't get me wrong, I am BLESSED beyond words. My husband is amazing. My precious baby girl (who is a big 3 year old now) lights up my world. I enjoy my job. We have resources to take small trips. We have a family/friends support system that is unimaginable. The list goes on and on...Yet, I have this nagging feeling that there's more yet to come.
At times, I feel selfish for wanting more children when I have so much already, but still...
So, for now- I want to work on being content. Being grateful for the things mentioned above. Just being...and if God blesses us with another rainbow then so be it and if not, then that will mean more spending money for my trip to Europe in 15 years with my little rainbow. :)
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Saturday, January 04, 2014
Advocare: Day One
My journey on Advocare... I went to the doctor on December 12th for a check up. I gasped when I stepped on the scale and it showed I weighed 212 pounds!
The last time I weighed that much I was checking in at TMH to have Jadie. Josh and I have been trying to have another baby for well over a year now. I've been on prednisone for hives and various meds to try to get pregnant. My new job doesn't help much either. No good excuses but the bottom line is I need to lose weight. I have gained 50 pounds in the past five years. Not cool!
After my doctor's visit, I cut out sugary drinks and started drinking Spark. I lost 5 pounds in three weeks, had energy and felt better. Boy do I sound like an infomercial, lol! Anyway, I decided if the Spark made such a difference, I figured I'd do the 24 day challenge.
I took pics last night and got Josh to measure me. He is so amazing. I was down on myself for gaining so much weight. He told me to stop. He said, "When I look at you, physically, I see the same woman I fell in love with. Emotionally, I see a strong woman who gave birth to two babies in two years and put all of us before herself. You're beautiful the way you are." God, I love that man!
Today hasn't been too bad. One funny thing I did notice was how I have to make a conscious effort now not to eat Jadie's left overs. I'm excited to see the progress I've made by day 24!
Bottom line- I'm doing this to feel better and have more energy for my family. If I lose weight- that will be a blessing to.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Its a been a while... Life has been busy. I went back to work in January when Jadie Kate was 11 weeks old and life has just been whirling by. My sister, Molly took care of JK for us from January to May. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect transition. My sister was amazing with her. I'm off for the month of June and have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my sweet miracle. I can't believe she's 8 months old already!
Jadie Kate has developed quite the personality. She looks just like Josh but she sure has my temper! I'm glad in a way. I hope she will continued to be strong-willed and not take crap off people. I'm beginning to brainstorm ideas for her first birthday party. I am so excited. I admit, there have been days when I couldn't think that far off for fear that it wouldn't happen. I've relaxed a bit but the waves of anxiety still hit me from time to time. I continue to pray ALOT and check on her about 5 times during the night while she is sleeping. I want her to know just how amazing she is and how much joy she brings to us.
There was a time in my life when I honestly didn't think that joy would return. I often imagine my heart looking like one of those scrap paper art projects kids make in school. You know the kind where the teacher draws the heart on the paper and the kids tear up scraps of red and pink paper and glue it inside the heart. Silly, I know but visualize for me. When JD died my heart was ripped into tiny little pieces and left on the floor. Since Jadie Kate was born those pieces have slowly been put back together to make me feel whole again. I'm still raw around the edges but I feel better.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. I've just had a lot of random thoughts roaming through my head so I figured I should write them down. Its unreal to me that in a little over 3 months, I could have had a 2 year old busy little boy and a 1 year old fiesty little girl. Instead, I have a two year old butterfly and beautiful one year old rainbow. I am full of so many emotions: anger, guilt. regret, gratefulness, joy, sadness, excitement. Its overwhelming at times.
Jadie Kate has developed quite the personality. She looks just like Josh but she sure has my temper! I'm glad in a way. I hope she will continued to be strong-willed and not take crap off people. I'm beginning to brainstorm ideas for her first birthday party. I am so excited. I admit, there have been days when I couldn't think that far off for fear that it wouldn't happen. I've relaxed a bit but the waves of anxiety still hit me from time to time. I continue to pray ALOT and check on her about 5 times during the night while she is sleeping. I want her to know just how amazing she is and how much joy she brings to us.
There was a time in my life when I honestly didn't think that joy would return. I often imagine my heart looking like one of those scrap paper art projects kids make in school. You know the kind where the teacher draws the heart on the paper and the kids tear up scraps of red and pink paper and glue it inside the heart. Silly, I know but visualize for me. When JD died my heart was ripped into tiny little pieces and left on the floor. Since Jadie Kate was born those pieces have slowly been put back together to make me feel whole again. I'm still raw around the edges but I feel better.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. I've just had a lot of random thoughts roaming through my head so I figured I should write them down. Its unreal to me that in a little over 3 months, I could have had a 2 year old busy little boy and a 1 year old fiesty little girl. Instead, I have a two year old butterfly and beautiful one year old rainbow. I am full of so many emotions: anger, guilt. regret, gratefulness, joy, sadness, excitement. Its overwhelming at times.
Wednesday, February 08, 2012
Those Raw Feelings Keep Coming Back
Despite my life being so full right now those raw feelings keep coming back. I have a babyloss momma friend who I talk to from time to time. We were talking the other day about how surreal this experience is. There are days I will be driving down the road and think to myself, I lost a baby. I carried a baby boy for 25 weeks and had to deliver him dead. All I have left of him are a few pictures and his ashes in an urn on my dresser. Sorry for being so blunt but its the truth. I swear thats the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope that by saying this, that God doesn't test me on this one. I have two children but only one of them is here on earth with me. I remember when my dad died my grandma telling me that as a mother one of the hardest things you never expect to do is bury your child. I remember how devastating that was for her. Little did I know that a couple of decades later I would be doing the same thing.
I have a Joshua David in my preschool class. He was getting frustrated learning how to write his name. As I sat there helping him I teared up thinking about how I will never teach my Joshua David how to write his name. Despite my sadness, I thanked God for to the opportunity to teach someone else's Joshua.
I have a friend undergoing radiation for an inoperable tumor. She is an amazing woman. She has taught me to find the silver lining in everything. If you don't, you will sink into a deep dark hole.
There are days I want to forget that I am a babyloss momma. I don't want to forget my precious JD, I just want to bury the pain that goes along with losing him. Then I remember that I can't forget. Because by forgetting, I will lose apart of who I am. I am Janie Register... mother to an angel in heaven and a miracle here on earth. I need to remember that loss so that I appreciate all that I have right now.
I have a Joshua David in my preschool class. He was getting frustrated learning how to write his name. As I sat there helping him I teared up thinking about how I will never teach my Joshua David how to write his name. Despite my sadness, I thanked God for to the opportunity to teach someone else's Joshua.
I have a friend undergoing radiation for an inoperable tumor. She is an amazing woman. She has taught me to find the silver lining in everything. If you don't, you will sink into a deep dark hole.
There are days I want to forget that I am a babyloss momma. I don't want to forget my precious JD, I just want to bury the pain that goes along with losing him. Then I remember that I can't forget. Because by forgetting, I will lose apart of who I am. I am Janie Register... mother to an angel in heaven and a miracle here on earth. I need to remember that loss so that I appreciate all that I have right now.
Its Been A While
I haven't blogged in quite some time. My life has been really busy lately. I just thought my life was busy before Jadie Kate. LOL! I can't even begin to tell you how full and complete I feel these days. The day I became Josh's wife was one of the greatest blessings in my life but becoming Jadie Kate's mom has got to be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I know I'm a dork and being as how its 4:00am and my head is stopped up I'm probably not explaining myself correctly.
Sometimes I look at Jadie Kate and just cry. She is amazing. I thank God everyday for our little miracle. I pray that I will be the best mother I can be to her. I want Jadie Kate to know just how important she is to us.
I thought once she was born all those fears I had while I was pregnant would disappear. That's not the case. When I was pregnant with JD I had visions of what he would look like. I would get excited thinking about him hunting with Josh or playing t-ball. When he died, all those dreams went down the toilet. When I was pregnant with JK, I just lived for the day. I would celebrate each pregnancy week but I didn't have visions of what was to come. Sadly, I'm still having a hard time with this. I don't let myself see Jadie Kate as a toddler or dancing in a recital. I guess I'm scared that if I look too far into the future, my dreams will be taken from me again. I guess its not a bad thing to just relish in the now and appreciate this moment in time.
I went back to work on the 4th of January. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Jadie Kate stays with my sister, Molly. I drop her off around 7:45am and I try to pick her up by 4:00pm. I am so thankful for my sister. I know that JK is well taken care of. I miss being home with her all day and I find there isn't enough time in the day to get everything done. I'm learning to depend on Josh more and trying not to sweat the small stuff like the tub needing to be cleaned out or the kitchen needing to be swept. I have to constantly remind myself to slow down and remember what's important...
Sometimes I look at Jadie Kate and just cry. She is amazing. I thank God everyday for our little miracle. I pray that I will be the best mother I can be to her. I want Jadie Kate to know just how important she is to us.
I thought once she was born all those fears I had while I was pregnant would disappear. That's not the case. When I was pregnant with JD I had visions of what he would look like. I would get excited thinking about him hunting with Josh or playing t-ball. When he died, all those dreams went down the toilet. When I was pregnant with JK, I just lived for the day. I would celebrate each pregnancy week but I didn't have visions of what was to come. Sadly, I'm still having a hard time with this. I don't let myself see Jadie Kate as a toddler or dancing in a recital. I guess I'm scared that if I look too far into the future, my dreams will be taken from me again. I guess its not a bad thing to just relish in the now and appreciate this moment in time.
I went back to work on the 4th of January. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Jadie Kate stays with my sister, Molly. I drop her off around 7:45am and I try to pick her up by 4:00pm. I am so thankful for my sister. I know that JK is well taken care of. I miss being home with her all day and I find there isn't enough time in the day to get everything done. I'm learning to depend on Josh more and trying not to sweat the small stuff like the tub needing to be cleaned out or the kitchen needing to be swept. I have to constantly remind myself to slow down and remember what's important...
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Going Through the Motions & Feeling the Emotions
Not sure what the point is to this entry but Jadie Kate is sleeping and I have time to kill so I thought I'd post... I remember after JD died this deep sense of loneliness I felt. I literally felt like someone had ripped my heart out and I was walking around with a piece of me missing. I remember walking aimlessly around the mall and various shops just to kill time but feeling bitter and empty. (its my therapy, some people eat, I shop)
Jadie Kate has helped heal some of that pain but its funny how despite 14 months later I can still remember it. There are times I still feel it. When I see a baby boy who is about 14 months old I think about JD. I can't stand to look at those sweet blue infant layette sets at Dillards. (We had one for JD to go home in.)
This isn't meant to be a pity party post. Its just me expressing my feelings. I've spent my life trying to avoid certain feelings, going through the motions without feeling the emotions. I can honestly say after JD died, that all changed. I felt every painful emotion that came along with losing him. These days, I rejoice when I see a yellow butterfly or a rainbow. I tear up and thank God every day when I get to hold my sweet Jadie Kate. My heart melts when she smiles. I also know that nothing in life is permanent so I aim to enjoy EVERY minute of EVERY day.
Jadie Kate has helped heal some of that pain but its funny how despite 14 months later I can still remember it. There are times I still feel it. When I see a baby boy who is about 14 months old I think about JD. I can't stand to look at those sweet blue infant layette sets at Dillards. (We had one for JD to go home in.)
This isn't meant to be a pity party post. Its just me expressing my feelings. I've spent my life trying to avoid certain feelings, going through the motions without feeling the emotions. I can honestly say after JD died, that all changed. I felt every painful emotion that came along with losing him. These days, I rejoice when I see a yellow butterfly or a rainbow. I tear up and thank God every day when I get to hold my sweet Jadie Kate. My heart melts when she smiles. I also know that nothing in life is permanent so I aim to enjoy EVERY minute of EVERY day.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
That Brown Rocking Chair
We jad JD's nursery almost complete by the first of October. All except a rocking chair... He wasnt due until January 19th so we figued we'd wait until Christmas & get one on sale. Then we found out on October 8th that JD was gone. I beat myself up for not getting a rocking chair sooner. It hurts me to know I never got to rock him. Shortly after JD died, I found the perfect rocking chair at Target. I didn't really have a need or the money for it but I bought it anyway & put it in the nursery. I spent many nights sitting in that chair praying & pleading with God to make me a mommy to a live baby. He fulfilled my dream. I make it a point to rock Jadie Kate in that rocking chair everyday. When I rock her I tell her about her big brother in heaven.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
She's Here!
I can't believe our little rainbow has been here a whole month already! We are so thankful for her. Jadie Kate is precious. She was born via c-section at 38 weeks. She weighed 5 lbs 10 oz and was 18 inches long. Family members rushed out and bought us diapers and preemie clothes because everything we had for her was too big.
We tried the nursing thing but it just wasn't for us. One, Jadie Kate had a hard time latching on and two, I just wasn't producing enough milk. So, we are using formula. JK is up to 4 oz every 3-4 hours. She weighs about 7.5 lbs now.
She doesn't like to go to sleep until around 11pm or 12am but once she falls asleep she sleeps until around 3am. We are thankful for that. Overall, she is a good baby. We are so thankful she doesn't seem to be colicky or anything like that.
I can't tell you how overwhelmed I am at the prayers & encouragement people gave us during my pregnancy. I am so grateful for our little princess!
We tried the nursing thing but it just wasn't for us. One, Jadie Kate had a hard time latching on and two, I just wasn't producing enough milk. So, we are using formula. JK is up to 4 oz every 3-4 hours. She weighs about 7.5 lbs now.
She doesn't like to go to sleep until around 11pm or 12am but once she falls asleep she sleeps until around 3am. We are thankful for that. Overall, she is a good baby. We are so thankful she doesn't seem to be colicky or anything like that.
I can't tell you how overwhelmed I am at the prayers & encouragement people gave us during my pregnancy. I am so grateful for our little princess!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
5 Days to Go
I've always had anxiety, but this anxiety I'm feeling right now is unbelieveable. I am not sleeping through the night, which makes it worse. When I do wake up, I'm in a panic to check Jadie Kate's heartbeat because either a)she isn't moving enough or b)she's moving too much. I was at a point last night to where even Josh was anxious and asked me if I wanted to go to triage. I felt so stupid. What would I say when I got there? I'm not having any pain. Her movement is good. For once, even in the midst of a so-called panic attack, my blood pressure was only like 133/98, which for me is normal these days. I finally fell asleep around 1:00am but alas its 3:30am and I'm awake. I've got a head cold thats making it way to my chest so I finally broke down and took some Robitussin.
I'm not trying to complain. I am so thankful for this baby girl. I am grateful for all the prayers and support from family and friends. I am so happy to have made it this far. I know that I have an amazing support system in Josh.
People keep trying to reassure me by telling me we are in the clear. I will NEVER be in the clear. I will have somewhat more control once Jadie Kate is in my arms but I will never be totally at ease. One friend of ours was telling me how she's at a point now that in an emergency the doctors can have her out in a matter of minutes and she'd be fine. I know that, but what if there aren't enough minutes. Unless you've experienced the loss I've gone through as a mother, you can't possibly understand. I had no warning. I had no clue that my precious baby had died inside of me. How, as a mother, did I not know that my baby boy was in trouble? I'm not going to beat myself up over it.
I'm scheduled for a c-section for this Thursday, October 20th, but I have my weekly biophysical profile on Monday. I think after that appointment I'm going over to my OBs office and just see if they can bump me up to Tuesday. I know its only two days but after tonight's episode, that's a lifetime for me.
Lord, please give me the strength to get to Monday.
I'm not trying to complain. I am so thankful for this baby girl. I am grateful for all the prayers and support from family and friends. I am so happy to have made it this far. I know that I have an amazing support system in Josh.
People keep trying to reassure me by telling me we are in the clear. I will NEVER be in the clear. I will have somewhat more control once Jadie Kate is in my arms but I will never be totally at ease. One friend of ours was telling me how she's at a point now that in an emergency the doctors can have her out in a matter of minutes and she'd be fine. I know that, but what if there aren't enough minutes. Unless you've experienced the loss I've gone through as a mother, you can't possibly understand. I had no warning. I had no clue that my precious baby had died inside of me. How, as a mother, did I not know that my baby boy was in trouble? I'm not going to beat myself up over it.
I'm scheduled for a c-section for this Thursday, October 20th, but I have my weekly biophysical profile on Monday. I think after that appointment I'm going over to my OBs office and just see if they can bump me up to Tuesday. I know its only two days but after tonight's episode, that's a lifetime for me.
Lord, please give me the strength to get to Monday.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Waitin' on Jadie Kate
Man, I swear I can't believe we've made it this far, but on the other hand, I can't believe we still have 15 days and a few hours to go before her arrival. My OB assures me that if my blood pressure doesn't go down she will take her at 38 weeks, so that would mean we have 8 days and a few hours to go. Its surreal...I am praying so hard that she will be born alive & healthy.
A Year and One Day Ago
We had maternity pictures taken this past Sunday. I wanted JD to be included in some way. The photographer was sweet enough to create this collage and tried to incorporate butterflies in alot of the pictures.
A year and one day ago, I truly believed my heart had been ripped out of my chest.
A year and one day ago, I hated myself and the world around me. A year and one day ago, my sweet baby boy had been taken from me... or so I thought. While he's not physically here for me to hold or rock to sleep, I see him & feel his presence everyday.
I will never be the same Janie I was a year ago. Come to think of it, I don't know that I ever want to be that Janie again. Thank you JD for coming into our lives and making us who we are.
Happy Birthday in Heaven!
Sunday, October 02, 2011
25 Days, 2 hours & 18 minutes
Dear Lord, I am so thankful that we have made it this far with sweet Jadie Kate. Lord, please help us make it to October 27th without me being admitted to the psych ward for losing my mind. Please let us bring home a live, screaming baby this time. Amen.
Well, the countdown continues. With each passing day I start to feel some relief. I'm trying to stay hopeful that this time we will have our rainbow. We shall see.
This Sunday a year ago, I remember cleaning out some things in the shed and feeling this flip in my stomach. I checked JD's heartbeat and seemed to get a "normal" reading so I went on about my work. Little did I know that six days later we would discover that our baby boy was gone. I always wonder in the back of my mind if I'd have gone to triage that Sunday if JD would still be here.
I can't go back only forward.
I don't know why this tragedy had to happen to us but it did. I do know that I am a different person because of our little butterfly. I know that Josh and I are closer together as a couple. I know that because of JD, I will be a better mother to Jadie Kate. For that, I am grateful.
Well, the countdown continues. With each passing day I start to feel some relief. I'm trying to stay hopeful that this time we will have our rainbow. We shall see.
This Sunday a year ago, I remember cleaning out some things in the shed and feeling this flip in my stomach. I checked JD's heartbeat and seemed to get a "normal" reading so I went on about my work. Little did I know that six days later we would discover that our baby boy was gone. I always wonder in the back of my mind if I'd have gone to triage that Sunday if JD would still be here.
I can't go back only forward.
I don't know why this tragedy had to happen to us but it did. I do know that I am a different person because of our little butterfly. I know that Josh and I are closer together as a couple. I know that because of JD, I will be a better mother to Jadie Kate. For that, I am grateful.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
34 Weeks & The Yellow Butterflies
We made it to 34 weeks! Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!!! I'm officially scheduled for a C-section on October 27th at 12:30pm. Jadie Kate is still breech and with the difficulties I had last time with JD my OB suggested a c-section. I'm relieved. I feel like I have mentally labored for a long time and when d-day comes I just want my girl in my arms. I don't want to labor for hours and worry about what might happen. Its surreal though. I can not tell you just how thankful I am to have made it this far and in the back of my mind I want to believe that this time everything is going to be ok. Of course, there's this little part of me that says, "Don't get too excited. It ain't over yet."
I had my first baby shower on the 10th of September and I have another one today. I'm not as anxious today as I was on the 10th, so we shall see. I went to L&D to visit a friend of mine who was being induced. I almost threw up walking down the hall to her room, but nevertheless, I am still here and still pregnant.
Its funny how a person can put stuff out of their minds but its not really gone for good. There are parts of October 8, 2010, I can remember like it was yesterday. The emotions. I have never felt so empty, low, devastated and angry. JD's first birthday is in a little over 3 weeks. I have a picture of a yellow butterfly as my Facebook profile picture. I looked at it Thursday and was immediately filled with anger. I mean truely pissed off filled with anger. I guess I was having a pity party. I know JD is loved and cared for in heaven. I know he was sent to me for just a short time for a reason, but my heart still hurts that he's not here with me to love on. When all that anger struck all I could think was all I have are some damn yellow butterflies to remind me of my sweet precious boy! Of course, the next day, a yellow butterfly about collided with my face while I was walking off the playground! I guess JD was showing me a thing or two, huh? (Which I am grateful for the yellow butterflies!)
I love both of my children and am proud to be their mom. I am thankful for what they have taught me.
I had my first baby shower on the 10th of September and I have another one today. I'm not as anxious today as I was on the 10th, so we shall see. I went to L&D to visit a friend of mine who was being induced. I almost threw up walking down the hall to her room, but nevertheless, I am still here and still pregnant.
Its funny how a person can put stuff out of their minds but its not really gone for good. There are parts of October 8, 2010, I can remember like it was yesterday. The emotions. I have never felt so empty, low, devastated and angry. JD's first birthday is in a little over 3 weeks. I have a picture of a yellow butterfly as my Facebook profile picture. I looked at it Thursday and was immediately filled with anger. I mean truely pissed off filled with anger. I guess I was having a pity party. I know JD is loved and cared for in heaven. I know he was sent to me for just a short time for a reason, but my heart still hurts that he's not here with me to love on. When all that anger struck all I could think was all I have are some damn yellow butterflies to remind me of my sweet precious boy! Of course, the next day, a yellow butterfly about collided with my face while I was walking off the playground! I guess JD was showing me a thing or two, huh? (Which I am grateful for the yellow butterflies!)
I love both of my children and am proud to be their mom. I am thankful for what they have taught me.
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
51 Days...
Dear Lord,
Please give me the strength to make it through the next 51 days. Please take care of our precious baby girl and help her to continue to grow strong and healthy. I promise Lord that if given the chance to be parents to a live baby, we will do everything in our power to raise her us to know you and give her the life she deserves. Thank you for the past 7+ months with Jadie Kate. Thank you for my wonderful husband who has been so supportive. Thank you for our family and friends who have been right by our side through this rollercoaster ride of joy and heartache.
Love,
J
Please give me the strength to make it through the next 51 days. Please take care of our precious baby girl and help her to continue to grow strong and healthy. I promise Lord that if given the chance to be parents to a live baby, we will do everything in our power to raise her us to know you and give her the life she deserves. Thank you for the past 7+ months with Jadie Kate. Thank you for my wonderful husband who has been so supportive. Thank you for our family and friends who have been right by our side through this rollercoaster ride of joy and heartache.
Love,
J
To My Children...
Wow, just typing the title and I am overwhelmed with love and tears. Who'd have thought when Josh and I first started trying to have children back in March 2010 that in a little over a year and a half later, I'd have two children! Man, has my life changed. My priorities are different for sure. The way I love the people in my life is sure different from way back when. I am so thankful for my babies.
Dear JD,
Thank for making me a mom. Thank you for helping me to see life in a whole different light. While my heart hurts that you are not here with me on earth, I know that you are in heaven being well taken care of by alot of people who love you. I feel your presence everyday and for that, my sweet boy, I am grateful. I can't wait for your baby sister to get here so that I can tell her all about you.
Love,
Momma
Dear Jadie Kate,
In less than 52 days you should be here with us. I can't tell you how many days and nights I have prayed for your safe arrival. I am so thankful to your big brother who has been watching over you over the past 8 months. Please continue to grow and get stronger. I promise that I will do the very best I can to take care of you and love you. Both you and JD are so blessed to have a great daddy and so many people who love and care about you.
Love you,
Mommy
Dear JD,
Thank for making me a mom. Thank you for helping me to see life in a whole different light. While my heart hurts that you are not here with me on earth, I know that you are in heaven being well taken care of by alot of people who love you. I feel your presence everyday and for that, my sweet boy, I am grateful. I can't wait for your baby sister to get here so that I can tell her all about you.
Love,
Momma
Dear Jadie Kate,
In less than 52 days you should be here with us. I can't tell you how many days and nights I have prayed for your safe arrival. I am so thankful to your big brother who has been watching over you over the past 8 months. Please continue to grow and get stronger. I promise that I will do the very best I can to take care of you and love you. Both you and JD are so blessed to have a great daddy and so many people who love and care about you.
Love you,
Mommy
Monday, August 29, 2011
1st Baby Shower Since JD
So, I went to my first baby shower since JD, yesterday. Its funny how the body reacts to stress. I had to force myself to go. I layed around all morning battling a headache and fatigue. Both, I'm sure brought on by stressing over the baby shower. Nevertheless, I went and it was ok. I wonder if it was ok because I'm pregnant again or because she had a baby girl (baby came five weeks early, so she was at the shower, lol!) I don't know why it was ok. I don't care. I need to stop analyzing things and just live for the moment.
Of course as soon as I got home I broke out the doppler and listened to Jadie Kate's heartbeat. Thank God for that thing! Its the best investment we've made by far!
Alot of people said I would probably relax after I got past the 25 week mark. They were wrong! My anxiety is at an all time high. I am so thankful for the past 30 weeks but I still pray constantly for the next 8.5 weeks to hurry and come and leave my sweet baby girl alive for me to hold.
Of course as soon as I got home I broke out the doppler and listened to Jadie Kate's heartbeat. Thank God for that thing! Its the best investment we've made by far!
Alot of people said I would probably relax after I got past the 25 week mark. They were wrong! My anxiety is at an all time high. I am so thankful for the past 30 weeks but I still pray constantly for the next 8.5 weeks to hurry and come and leave my sweet baby girl alive for me to hold.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
JD's First Birthday
Not sure why I'm lying here crying and pondering JD's first birthday. It's still about 6 weeks away! I guess it's the planner in me. If he were here with me in earth I'd already have a theme picked out. His birthday shirt would be ordered, etc. Instead,I'm trying to figure a way to have some sort of memorial for him without freaking people out. I want to do something to honor him & send thanks to friends & family who have supported us through this difficult time. Im just not sure what to do exactly. Maybe I'll take a picture of all the things people have given us & make a collage thank you card. I think I'm going to get some balloons to send to heaven too. October 13th is the Walk to Remember. I will definitely be there for that. I just want my sweet boy to know he is loved!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
29 weeks and counting
I am so thankful for week 29 but I am also a basketcase. I'm constantly secondguessing myself. Jadie Kate's heartbeat continues to be strong but I'm always fearful when I don't feel her move. I also worry because I don't think her movements are as strong as they should be. Lord, please let 39 weeks come and allow us to deliver a healthy live baby girl!
Another Butterfly Earned Her Wings
Some friends of ours lost their sweet baby girl this past Tuesday. Katie Grace was 25 weeks. My heart aches for them. I really have no words to say. I just wish I could take their pain away. KG's momma called me yesterday and asked me to come over so we could talk. So I did. I hope she will call me anytime.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
