What's a Girl to Do?

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...
Its funny, I spent most of my life anticipating the day I'd grow up, move out of my house and not be responsible for anybody in my family. The day finally came and while I've enjoyed the past few years getting to know myself, I have to admit that I want my family back.

As you all know, my sister and brother-in-law recently had a baby boy who I can't seem to get enough of. I am here in Louisiana for spring break and loving every minute of it! So, the point of the my blog... my sister and brother-in-law have invited me to move here and live with them until I get settled into my own place. I had already planned on staying here over the summer and keep Thomas while Molly ties up lose ends at work. (she's decided to stay home with Thomas but has to work six weeks this summer to finish up some things.)

I'm not sure what to do. It would be great to move here for a number of reasons. Thomas for starters, but also the fact that Molly and I have begun to get to know each other as sisters versus me being her second parent. I really enjoy and appreciate her friendship. Financially this would be a good thing, too since Molly and Eric told me I could stay with them and save some $. (I think I could do it knowing that it would only be for a few months.) I found out the rent here is comparable to what I pay in C'ville but teachers make a lot more here.

On the other side of the coin, I have a pretty decent job in Wakulla. The actual work environment could be cleaner, ratios lower, and the pay could be higher but all in all, I like what I do. I have friends in Wakulla, my mom lives walking distance from me, and I feel apart of the community. I get a bit emotional when I think about leaving all of that.

I know many of you are reading this and probably thinking I'm ADHD being as how I just moved back from West Palm Beach. That move to and away from West Palm was a good thing and I don't regret either decision. Great things came about as a result of both.

Others of you may be thinking that since I'm so co-dependent that this is a way for me to "feed" that co-dependency. (moving to LA to be near Thomas and help Molly and Eric out.) The funny thing is, I don't think that's what it is. Molly and Eric are doing just fine. I am very proud of the parents they have become. When I come to visit, I help out but I don't feel taken advantage of. I also don't have that panicky need to do more. (a feeling I used to have before some great counseling.)

I've been praying about this alot lately and ask that you will pray for me as well. I don't want to make a hasty decision but the thought of being away from this little guy breaks my heart. I don't want to be the aunt Thomas sees a few times a year. I want to be apart of his life. I know ultimately its my decision whether to move or stay put but I'd love your opinion on the matter. Take Care!
Love, J

The Incredible Shrinking Woman!

October 2006

January 2007

March 24, 2007

Ok, so maybe I've got a few more tens of pounds to lose but I had to post these pics. I'm pretty proud of myself.

More pics of my handsome bear!!

Sportin' my Oaklies from my Aunt J. (I know that they aren't really Oaklies but she's a teacher and she just doesn't make much. I won't tell her the truth.) She bought me the hat too and she's going to beat my momma's butt when she sees her because that does NOT go with the outfit I am wearing!

I love my Nana! She sure is soft and cushiony.

snoozin...

I have cheekbones!

Hi Friends! I am feeling much better this week. I think I'm over the withdrawal effects of the effexor. Now, I'm just dealing with sinuses. I went to the doctor yesterday and got an antibiotic for a sinus infection. The nausea comes and goes but is nothing compared to last week's episode. I think I'll live!

There's nothing earthshattering to write about today. I do have a couple of funny stories to share but that's about it. One deals with school. One of my students came into today and told me that her momma's butt swallowed her underwear. After laughing so hard I almost peed my pants I called her momma, who happens to teach with me, and told her what she said. She said that her daughter walked in on her while she was getting dressed, she was wearing a thong! There's never a dull moment at pre-k! Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am for my job? I have friends who teach at other schools in the county and let me just tell you, I'm blessed.

Another funny story deals with my friend's husband. My friend Jes wants me to meet her single neighbor. So she mentioned it to her husband and he nonchalantly stated, "You know, maybe they like being single. That's probably why they aren't married." Men are so smart!

On being single... I have had about 3 or 4 friends tell me they want me to meet these single guys, but nobody has actually done anything to try and hook me up! I'm not really in the mood for anything serious but Lord, do I have to put a 'for sale' sign on my butt? Somebody hook me up for goodness sakes. I"m not sure how to go about advocating for myself. And, I don't want to sound desperate.

Oh, I discovered something exciting this weekend. I have cheekbones! Is that exciting or what? Some of you may not understand what I mean, but for me it means I'm still losing weight. It has been very slow and I still have a LONG way to go but its a good feeling when I notice these small changes.

Well that's about it for now. I don't have any new pics of my nephew yet. I'm going through Thomas withdrawals. I need to make another trip. Write me when you get a chance. I miss you all! Love, J

This too, shall pass...

So, I realized that today marks one whole year since I moved back from West Palm Beach. I guess I should no longer use the phrase, "I just recently moved back." I miss my friends and family "down south" but I know that this move back was the best thing for me.

Its 3:30am and I should probably be sleeping but since I fell asleep at around 7pm last night I'm just not that tired. No, I'm not depressed, just exhausted. Still catching up from the weekend, I guess. I went out with a group of friends Friday night and we didn't get home until around 3am Saturday morning. I then got up and drove my mom to the airport in Jacksonville. I now realize why I don't go out more often. For one, drinking totally messes up my diet and exercise regime, not to mention the fact that my intestines still feel like they are somewhere up around my boobs. (I know, not a pretty picture!) This isn't a 'feel sorry for Janie entry', just me rambling about why its NOT healthy for me to go out and drink like a fish out of water! For those of you who are wondering, I don't do this on a regular basis, the last time was in November. I have a great friend who has an adorable little girl with special needs. Her little girl eats using a g-tube. Anytime she gets sick, her digestive tract gets out of whack and lets just say, "it ain't pretty." After reading Trish's updates on Makily, I no longer feel sorry for myself.

So last Thursday was my last day on my Effexor. Geez, its been a whole week! The withdrawal effects have NOT been fun but overall I feel positive about going off of it. That could be another reason why I've been feeling crummy. Not depressed crummy, just physically crummy. The first couple of nights off of it, I had the most vivid dreams that left me feeling exhausted the next day. You know, if I'm going to have dreams involving running, I should at least be able to lose some weight from them! I've been terribly nauseated but that could just be my postnasal drip. Although I haven't felt sick from that in quite some time. I've also been getting those heart races, for lack of a better term. Sorry my grammar isn't the greatest this time of morning! Tuesday night as I was waiting to meet a friend for dinner two phrases came to mind: "that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger," and "there's light at the end of the tunnel." All in all I feel positive about this situation. If, once the physical symptoms wear off and I'm feeling depressed, I'll contact my doctor and get a different med. I just want to try life without it for a while. I feel like my self-esteem is much better than it used to be and I've got a lot of great tools in my bag.

You know, I was thinking back to when I first got on "meds," 7 years ago. It makes me sad looking back on why I think I started taking them. My mom got married and moved to GA. to live with her husband and my sister moved to LA to live with her now husband. Coming from a co-dependent emeshed family, I was devastated. I had nobody to take care of and to top it off, I felt totally abandoned. So, I cried. I cried all the time. I was ashamed of the crying but I was more ashamed to ask for help. You know, back then, I thought only crazy people needed therapy. So, as a quick fix, I started taking anti-depressants. I've grown alot in the past 7 years. It makes me sad to think about the reason for going on meds. The humor in all of it is that even at the highest dose of effexor, zoloft, celexa, (not all at one time of course!) I still cried! You know why I cried? Because, that's what some people do to deal with emotions. I have since come to know the difference between clinical depression and your typical "I'm broke, fat, lonely this-to-shall-pass" depression. Well, its almost 4am and I should get some sleep. Take Care!

A Day In The Life Of...

All in a Day’s Work,,,
A Day in the Life of A Preschool Teacher…

If you’ve never been to preschool, you’re really missing out. It’s a ball of fun! Ok, so maybe not ALL of this happens in one day, and maybe I’ve exaggerated on some of it, but ALL of it has happened in some form or fashion at one time or another. Yes, you’ll find some sarcasm and No, this isn’t all that we do. I have taught many places, seen different faces across the races, but this by far is the best place to be.

8:15am Receive a 20 minute explanation from a mother as to why her child won’t be at school today.
8:30am Open new containers of play dough since batch number 20 has dried out or been rubbed into the carpet.
8:40am Pry a child of his mother, reminding him that he likes school.
9:00am Remind a new student that we only pee in the bathroom rather pulling our pants down in front of God and everybody outside (not in those exact words of course!)
9:10am Ooh and aah over a spider stuck in the boy’s bathroom urinal.;
9:15am redirect a child from cutting another child’s nose
9:30am Praise a child for opening milk carton by herself;
9:31 am Mop up the milk she spilt on the floor as she was opening the milk carton all by herself
9:35am Say Pledge: “I pledge allegiance, put the stick down, to the flag, put the stick down, of the United States of America…” (grab stick from child)
10:00am Encourage my student with autism to swing without my help by signing “NO, STOP” when he puts a death grip on my wrist
10:05am Remind a little boy that yesterday when he spun himself around on the tire swing he threw up
10:25am Child hands me her hand band AFTER it’s fallen in the toilet
10:30am Attempt to read a book called “The Foot Book;” while asking children to wait and tell their stories AFTER I finished mine
10:31am smell a disgusting odor and ask who pooped their pants
10:32am Find kid who pooped pants only to discover it happened an hour ago and its stuck to his butt
10:40am Redirect child with autism to get off of the book shelf.
11:00am Had to explain for the 10th time that I did NOT give birth to a baby this weekend, my sister did
11:30am Remind children to clean up their areas; explain again that the reason the picture labels are on the toy boxes is so that they will know where things go
12:00pm Praise children for trying something new on their plate; make a slam dunk when I throw away a roll that’s fallen on the floor; encourage child with autism to try strawberries
12:30pm Help children lie down and tell them to let their bodies rest so that when they wake up they’ll have more energy
1:00pm get mooned by a four year old when I strongly encourage him to be quiet at naptime
1:15pm write out daily reports while making idle threads to children who continue to make noise during naptime
1:30pm eat my lunch and potty
1:45pm frantically change bus tags so that children get to the right place after school
2:00pm Encourage a kid with oppositional-defiant disorder to pee on the spider in the urinal. (he refused to pee and I didn’t want to change pee pants!)
2:30pm Tell 18 preschoolers that I love them and will see them tomorrow.
3:00pm Receive call number 4 from an anxious dad; assure him that YES, I put his child on the bus
3:30pm Dump sand from my shoes; take off my badge and head for the comforts of home. Once home, laugh at the fact that I actually went to college for this!

Just a few pics!

Just thinkin' about how safe I am in my daddy's arms. (3 days old)

Sleepy Bear, after one whole day at home.

My tiny hand on my Aunt J's chest.

My sweet feet, 2 days old at the EJMRC Hospital.
A kiss from my Aunt J while I snooze!

Ooh, what a big yawn!

Hi Friends! Whew! What an exhausting yet beautiful weekend. After stopping in Spanish Forte, Alabama (I think that's what it's called), to wait on a tornado to pass through, I finally made it New Orleans to meet my beautiful nephew. Let me just tell you, after this trip, I definitely believe in divine intervention. I realized that in my rush to get out the door Thursday morning I forgot to pack an overnight bag and a jacket. (My sister asked me to stay the night with her at the hospital. I knew it would be freezing in there and all I had brought was my big suitcase. I was NOT about to haul that thing around the hospital. So, as I was driving along the interstate I noticed an exit for an Old Navy. As I'm looking around the ON I hear this loud thunder and then what I thought was the skying falling. So, I figure I'd better wait for the showers to pass before getting back on the interstate. Finally they stop. As I'm walking to my car, the cashier from the World Market sticks her head out the door and using the deepest southern accent you could ever use, says, " Ma'am, you'd better get to shelter fast. A tornado just hit the Fort and its headed our way." So, I calmly asked her where to go, as I don't frequent Alabama and had no idea where the hell I was at. She suggested I go across the street to the Holiday Inn or a Wal-Mart a few miles down the road, then says I have like 2 minutes to get there! I don't know about you, but it takes me two minutes just to park and walk to the front doors of a Wal-Mart. As for the hotel, from where I was standing, it looked like it was on the other side of the interstate so I didn't want to go there. That's when I saw a Cracker Barrell. So, I stopped there and asked the 5 or so employees, who might I add, were standing outside with there hands in their pockets looking dumbfounded, if I could come in. They said sure and if the tornado hit I could go into the freezer as was the protocol for tornados! After about an hour, I was told it was safe to leave. So, I get back on the interstate and you'll never guess what I drove through??? Yep, the area where the fort was. Had I not gotten off to shop, I might have ended up on The Wizard of Oz!

I arrived at the hospital around 8:30 Thursday night Central time. As expected I cried when I saw my nephew. It was a happy cry though. Thomas is a symbol of hope for our family. He is such a delight! He only cries when he is hungry or needs a diaper change. He is such a cuddle bear. I left around 2pm Sunday. I think it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

After this experience, I've decided my sister Molly, is my new hero. My brother-in-law Eric, in my book, is pretty cool too. Come to find out, Molly was in labor without pain meds for 12 hours before they did an emergency C-section! After the C-section, she was in miserable pain despite meds. She had to have help with everything... EVERYTHING. I talked to her today and she sounds like she's feeling much better. Poor Eric is working is butt off, living on sleep deprivation. I'm really grateful for this little gift they gave us (Thomas), but if I've learned anything from this experience, its that I will NOT be birthin' no babies!

Finally, most of you know what I think about New Orleans, Louisiana, so I won't go into details. Let's just say to me its the dirtiest, rudest place, next to Paris of course, that I've been to. Everything changed on this particular visit, I heard birds chirping and the sun shined. (I know I'm cheezy.)

Beer, Men, Chocolate, and Sushi:

Four things I can't seem to get enough of! The problem is, when consumed in an over abundance, bad things seem to happen. You know, weight gain, hang overs, and just plain feeling crappy. (Ok, I guess using the word 'consumed' doesn't really make sense in regards to the men for this particular entry, but let me explain!) So, a couple of weeks ago I noticed this guy teacher from our local high school had moved into my complex. I had noticed him when I taught there last spring but was too busy with other issues in life to talk to him. Since some time has passed and I am feeling more confident about myself I decided to pursue him. (sorry about the grammar) So, I bought some cookies and thought I'd take them over to him, you know, and welcome him to the neighborhood. (That way I could figure out if he was single or not.) My friend Maggie suggested I bake cookies or at least put the store bought cookies in a container to make them look like they were home made. I politely told her that where I come from, if a stranger gives you something home made, you definitely do NOT eat it, it could be poisonous. (do my South Florida friends agree???) So, I wait all day to deliver the cookies but he never comes home. I burned alot of calories going up and down those damn stairs checking to see if he was home! So, the next day, I ask around at school about him. Oh the priviledges of living in a small town! By 2:30pm I found out that he had a crazy ex-wife, two or three kids, enjoyed gambling and extra marital affairs. Boy, can I pick them? I'm sure glad he didn't get my cookies. So, I'm back to my old theory for finding a man... unless he falls out of the sky with a note from God that says, "Janie, I made him for you," I quit. No more, surfing the internet, no more baking... I mean buying, cookies. Right now, I'm going to concentrate on losing weight, enjoying my nephew (once he arrives) and being happy with the status quo. As for the beer, sushi and chocolate. I think I'm going to have to go cold turkey in those areas too!

While I'm waiting on my self-tanner to dry, I thought I'd update my blog. Well, Molly and Eric have an official date for Thomas' delivery date. (That sounds like he's being sent UPS...) Anyway, due to a lack of private rooms, my sister has agreed to wait and be induced Monday night. If Thomas doesn't arrive within 12 hours of labor, Molly will have a c-section. I don't know much about having babies but as much difficulty as she's had already, I'd go ahead and vote for the c-section. I don't think I'd want to labor for 12 hours. I won't be able to be there for his birth but I'm going over Thursday, March 1st and stay until Sunday. That way I can get in alot of 'Thomas time' (oh Lord, I already sound like a dork!)

As I wait, my anxiety is building. Of course it could be the combination of many things. One, I'm down to 37.5 mg on my anti-anxiety meds. I'm trying to get off of it and see if I can make it with exercise and therapy. If I can't I'll try something new. Recent studies have found that the one I'm on is linked to liver damage. I think its linked to me being tired and hungry all of the time, too (hence the weight gain???). Of course the quack of a doctor I saw last month said that could be depression. Trust me, I definitely know what depression feels like and this ain't it!

I also realized that I had a huge cup of diet coke with breakfast this morning. That's my next goal... to cut the diet coke. I swear I'm addicted. Do they have AA for that? If I don't drink it I get nauseated and a headache. If I drink too much, I get the jitters and clumsy.

Finally, there's the fact that I'm presenting at TCC this afternoon with my co-teacher, Amber. We are presenting on 'The Art of Co-Teaching.' Can you believe it? I tried co-teaching two years ago and could NOT do it. I absolutely adore the person I taught with, but I had my own issues (another saga for another day), and it just didnt' work. I also didn't give it enough time either. Anyway, Amber and I work pretty well together and that's what our topic is on.

Well, I've got to finish getting ready. Take Care! J

For the first time in a long time...

You know what? For the first time in a long time I am happy. Not in a crazy, living life half drunk happy. Nope, this is the I-have-300 dollars-left in my checking account till payday, oh God please don't let anything break-happy! You know what I mean. I am satisfied with me. When I look in the mirror, I see a beautiful successful woman who is encouraged about her future. Being married with kids or having lots of money or owning a big home isn't going to determine who I am anymore. (Which is a good thing, since I don't have any of those things, lol.) No, my doctor hasn't upped my meds, I'm just at peace. Its funny, because I'm starting to notice things like birds chirping, the fresh smell of clean clothes, and how beautiful my mother looks when she talks about the upcoming arrival of her first grandson.

Which, by the way, the doctor is planning on inducing Molly next Sunday evening, unless the baby decides to come sooner. Please keep her and Eric in your prayers. Molly is scared out of her mind. Can you blame her? Everytime I think about what she's about to do, my stomach hurts. I called her last Wednesday and she was cleaning her kitchen. For those of you who know my sister, you know that she doesn't clean, so this was a shocker. I think she's nesting. Her contractions are 10 minutes apart, so anyday now!!! I will be posting pictures as soon as Thomas graces us with his presence.

As for Jenny Craig, I'm still going strong. I'm only down 10 and half pounds, but I swear I'm losing inches. Clothes I haven't worn since West Palm Beach are actually fitting. I have more energy. Yes, energy. I've been able to jog for 20 minutes straight and I wasn't running from the police. Can you believe it? Well, I'm off to the gym. Write me back and tell me what's going on in your neck of the woods. Love you, J

Internet dating and bungee jumping

You know, I swear that going on an internet dating site is alot like bungee jumping without the proper gear on. NEED I SAY MORE??? Luckily this time I haven't had any bites, but I just got finished looking at the site and asking my self why in the hell did I pay $60 for this? I swear when you are contemplating joining they have a menu of great looking guys with decent jobs all of whom appreciate a variety of women. I'm beginning to think they hire these men for purely advertising purposes because now that I'm a member all of those guys have been replaced with country bumpkins, men who still live with their mommas, or have 5 kids! At first I thought, "Well maybe its where you are looking." So, I plugged in other zipcodes at random. More wierdos! Now, before anybody gets pissed reading this because they found their husband on the internet, I'm not saying they are all wierdos, so don't take it personally. Lord, this is exhausting. For $60 bucks I could have at least gotten a great looking tattoo!

What is Jenny Craig?

As I sit here enjoying my Jenny Craig cuisine I am reminded of an entry I've been wanting to write for a couple of weeks now. As you all know I HATE doctors. There are two types of people in this world who intimidate me, one group is lawyers and the other is doctors. While in my head I know that I am just as good as they are, in my heart there is this twinge of intimidation that I haven't worked through just yet. So, I muster up the courage to make an appointment for a physical. When I call, I specifically ask if I can get a physical and discuss my meds. "Why yes Miss Tucker, but you will have to wait until January 16th." "Not a problem," I say. So, on January 16th, heart pounding, palms sweaty, I gather my meds, vitamins included and go to my appointment. (I was sure to brush my teeth, wear my best drawers AND I shaved my legs!) After sitting for what seems like an eternity, I actually meet the doctor. She shakes my hand and says with a German/Swedish-I'm-not- from- America- accent (not trying to be racist just setting the stage), "What are we doing today?" So, I tell her. She huffs and says, "What?!! I can't give you a physical AND go over your meds in one visit. I have 7 other patients to see after your visit and they all have issues just like you do. I'd be here till 8:30pm tonight if I did all of what your asking." At this point I am taken back and start to get up and leave, but I figure I've paid my $15 and she's holding the prescription pad. I also decide that I do NOT need a physical from this brute of a woman. So we talk about my meds. She looks at my labs from October and asks me if I realized that I was borderline diabetic. WHAT?!! I mean I know I'm fat, I'm not stupid but when I called about my results they said everything looked normal. She tells me that if I lose weight I probably wouldn't get diabetes. You think? So, I tell her that I am trying to lose weight (the story of my life!) by going to Jenny Craig. She smirks and says, again in her German-Swedish accent, "What is this Jenny Craig?" So I tell her. She says, "I personally don't believe in diets. You should be able to do this by just eating sensibly. " Well, Hells Bells, if I'd of known that I wouldn't be fat, now would I? She then goes on to ask me how to spell Jenny Craig and what happens when I go off the diet? Yadda Yadda Yadda. Lord, the more I type this the angrier I get. So, I leave her office more determined to lose weight because of her third degree about Jenny. Can I just say, that I've researched weight loss plans. Hell, I've tried just about all of them. I read everything I can get my hands on. This plan works! Oh, sorry, I digressed. So the next day, I'm at work and tell my co-teacher about this doctor. About that time another teacher's daughter (who is 4!), walks in and here's me say Jenny Craig. She says, "Miss Janie, Jenny Craig, its what makes you lose weight." Now tell me, do you need a PhD for that?

I am the girl who...

Hi Friends! I hope everybody is staying warm and dry. Things are going well here. I am still happy where I live, I like my job and all is well. If you remember from a previous entry I told you that my niece and nephew (Jes' kids) bought me TKD lessons for Christmas. Well, tonight was my first and LAST class. I did fine until the instructor paired me up with this country bumkin from the sticks. He had been to a few more classes than me so he thought he knew everything. So, he felt it was his duty to teach me. Unfortunately, he didn't have a teaching degree and sucked. He mumbled and couldn't explain himself properly. I know I internalized the situation but all these bad memories came flooding through my mind and I was on the verge of tears, so I left. Yep, I left 15 minutes before the class was over. I started thinking about things like the time I tried out for the flag corp in high school, learning to line dance for the Miss Wakulla Pageant, playing softball for the church and cheerleading for the rec park in 6th grade (what a joke that was!) I was also upset because I knew before going that I am NOT coordinated and shouldn't be there. But I thought I'd be optimistic and try something new, have an open-mind. Bull- I am NOT coordinated and that is ok by me. I have just recently learned to drink water while walking on the treadmill. I am the girl who enjoys writing, scrapbooking, shopping, etc.

I stopped by my mom's after I left the class knowing that if I told her what I had done, she'd get onto me for being hard on myself and leaving the class early. I still needed to talk to her. Yep, she got onto me. She said, "What do you tell your kids when they have trouble learning a new task?" Its different, I think. Them learning to go potty or how to walk doesn't affect whether other people win or lose.

I'm proud of myself because my first instinct was to stop by McDonalds and get a cheeseburger Happy Meal, but I didn't. Instead I'm going to go eat my yummy Jenny Craig meal. First I need to scrub my feet. I had to work barefoot on plastic mats at TKD. Can someone say, "There's a Fungus Among Us?"

Whew, I feel a bit better. I hope everyone is doing good! Love, J

Dating, Weddings, Babies...

(Me and Molly at her shower. 1/13/07)

You get the picture! I guess things aren't necessarily done in that order these days, but for me, I'd like to believe that would be the order. So, I've signed up on Match.com...AGAIN. I swore I wouldn't do it again, but I'm lonely and I'd like to have a date or two. Don't worry, I'm not settling. If its not in God's plan for me to marry, then I'll be single, but until He Fedex's me a note telling me to stop trying, I've got to meet some men! I sure don't meet them in my line of work and generally on the rare occasions when I do go out, I find men only wanting booty calls. I'm too old for that and besides, its just not safe. I was going to wait until I lost a bunch of weight but you know, that may never happen so I've got to start living.

This isn't a "feel sorry for me" entry, I just felt like writing about it. I guess because we gave Molly (my sister) a baby shower this weekend or it could be because I went wedding shopping with a friend who's getting married in July. Another friend of mine, Maggie is getting married in May to her high school sweetheart. What are the chances that two people go their separate ways only to reconnect after 10 years?!! I am thrilled for them. She has asked me to be her maid of honor and I couldn't be more happy about it. I'm even more honored because its a VERY small wedding and I'm included on the list to invite. My nephew is due the first week of March, but my sister is getting so big, that her doctor thinks that he may take the baby around the 15th of February. I am so excited! I plan to spoil him rotten. (within limits of course) Molly looks so beautiful but I swear if somebody put a pin in her she'd pop! She's having trouble breathing because her belly is so big.

You know, my therapist asked me the other day if I was jealous because my sister is having a baby and my friends are getting married. I don't think so. I'm really happy for them. Selfishly, I'm happy for me too because I get to celebrate in their joy. Yeah, I'm lonely at times, but I'm an optimist and I know that God just isn't finished grooming my man yet. He's going to have to be pretty special to deal with me!

Resilient

So the other day, after feeling like a leech glued to Maggie and L.R.'s couch (remember I was sick) I decided to stop being a slug and get up and go outside. It was about 11:30am on Thursday. Nice and sunny but still cool enough that one needed a jacket. I was only going to the mailbox and the trash bin so I figured I didn't need a jacket. The apartment complex parking lot was empty so I didn't bother to put a bra on. I was going to be quick right? (sorry, don't picture it, but as my friend Wendi would say, "I'm setting the stage.") Well, wouldn't you know it, the door locked behind me!!!! There I was, white as lightening, in flannel boxer shorts, an oversized pink FSU t-shirt, socks and my Nikes. No cell phone, no money, nothing! When I was a girl scout leader the first thing I taught my girls was to NEVER go anywhere without a cell phone! Not to mention the fact that my grandma is probably doing somersaults in her grave for me going out of the house without a bra. Well, I had to do something. So, I folded my arms over my chest and went to the neighbors' house and knocked. No answer. Damn, where were those college kids when you needed them. So, I went to the next house and knocked. A little old lady pulled the door open just enough to look out and say, "Can I help you?" I humbly explained my situation and asked if I could use the phone. Now, let me tell you. In Florida, especially where I was raised, you don't let strange people into your home. Not only did the lady let me in, but she offered me something to drink and let me sit in her warm living room until somebody could come and let me in. Now that's hospitality. Not to mention brave.

Oh, so the reason for the title of my entry, resilient. That's what Maggie called me when she got home. She said, " You sure are resilient." Yeah, I'm resilient all right, but WHY when things like that happen to me, do I cry? I cried when I called to ask for help. I had the best visit with Maggie but spent most of Thursday crying as I was preparing to leave. Its not like I won't see her again. I guess its my anxiety getting the best of me. I'm such a cry baby that I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to continue our friendship. You know, I've cried my whole life and I hate it. I feel weak and out of control. The funny thing is, if I see someone else crying I don't consider them weak or crazy. Well, that's about it for now. Just thought I'd get that off of my chest. Love you, Janie

Happy Holidays!

I hope everybody had a great Christmas and Happy New Year! My Christmas was uneventful, which if you know my family, this is a good thing. I enjoyed spending Christmas day with my mom, step-dad, grandma, aunt, uncle and cousins. My cousin Erica brought her two daughters over. The oldest one is 16 months and the baby is about 6 weeks old. They are adorable! I almost got baby fever. Remember I said, 'Almost.' It faded shortly after I realized that if I was holding the baby and keeping the 16 month old from climbing on the table I couldn't eat. My niece and nephew gave me a month's worth of tai kwon do lessons and the white suit that goes with it for Christmas. This should be a comical experience for everyone. I am NOT coordinated! I also got a new gameboy and other cool stuff.

I celebrated the New Year with a very dear friend of mine and her fiance in West Va. We went to a hibache restaurant for dinner. I barely made it up for New Years though, due to a nasty cold I've contracted. I'm quite pissed. I take a ton of preventative meds and still I get sick! Nevertheless, I am having a great time visiting them. I just pray that they don't catch my creeping crud. I've been sanitizing things like crazy. I love West Virginia. I love the people, the history and mountains. No snow this time. I was really hoping for some. I've done some shopping too. I don't know what it is but I always find great deals on clothes in my size here! Its a big girl's dream come true! Well, I should go. Take Care! J

So, I applied for this job at the pre-school where I work. They were hiring an ESE staffing specialist who would be housed at our pre-school. The person would concentrate on our pre-k and the Dick Howser center. (they get the ESE kiddos birth to 3). I interviewed quite well. I looked good too. (Thanks for the suit, Staci!) After all my hard work to prepare and look exceptionally professional, I didn't get the job.

You know what? It was a good experience and I'm glad I didn't get the job. Since August, I've been struggling with where I belong. I loved pre-k, but was overwhelmed with teaching 18 little friends with varying disabilities. The building we teach in is old and I'm sure infested with mold. The water is bad and we don't have enough help. I just thought I wasn't doing a good job. You know me, when the going gets tough, the tough tries to get out as fast as she can!

In November, through a partnership with Elder Care services, we were given a foster grandma. She is amazing! She sees things that sometimes my co-teacher and I overlook because we are so busy with day to day tasks. She also helps take the load off of us. (we still have to change stinky diapers though) My co-teacher is awesome too. She has helped me to see just how much we are teaching these kiddos. Its amazing how much they are doing for themselves. Melanie talked to another teacher, (something she wouldn't have done in August.) Dominick put his hands in glue. Will signed, "Go, bye," AND blew me a kiss! Lord, what was I thinking applying for that other job? I have finally found my nich! Now, I still come home dirty and tired. I don't have all the right answers nor do I claim to but I'm learning!

I'm creating a list of things I've learned so far while at pre-k. Here are some of them:
1. If a pre-schooler says they gotta go, YOU better go!
2. Its ok to cry at pre-school. Teachers can too!
3. Opening your own carton of chocolate milk IS a big deal.

I'll add more later! Love you, J

Part Two of Things You Shouldn't Skimp On

My aunt called after I wrote part one of this post and said I really should tell people my bra size on the internet. I told her, "Why lie? Its not like you can't see them!" I know what she meant. She's just has more class than I do. (Love you, Aunt Barbara!)

So, I got my January paycheck and went shopping. I decided to bite the bullet and go to Lane Bryant. I told the sales clerk, "Look, I teach preschoolers. I don't have time for my drawers to fall down to my knees all day. I'm a pretty decent size girl, but I don't have a butt. What do you suggest?" With a straight face, she suggested two types of underwear. I bought 10 pair! I told her if they didn't work to expect to see me back the next day to return them. Guess what... they stayed up! I also bought two bras. They came with these air pockets to put in them. You know what, they work! They actually help hold my ta-tas up. I look really good. I think it actually takes away from the rolls that my stomach creates. So, a little over $150 later, I have 10 new pair of drawers and two bras! I am a new woman.

Aahh... apartment living

Can I say that I absolutely LOVE my new apartment? It is tiny, but it is clean. There isn't any yard to play in, but there aren't any field rats either! Life got busy and I haven't updated in a while so here goes... I was really planning on waiting out life in the trailor until I found something to buy. I guess the straw that finally broke the camel's back was going without heat or air for the month of November. Let me tell you, if you've never lived in a mobile home you don't know what you're missing. When people tell you there's no insulation, there's no insulation! We had some nights back in November when it got down into the 20's! I am a well-insulated woman but I just couldn't take it. Family and friends were gracious to offer their homes but I don't like sleeping over at people houses. You're probably wondering why I didn't just pay to get it fixed. WELL, the DAMN thing was under "warranty." Unfortunately, the deadbeat who installed it kept putting me off and putting me off. I finally called the guy I'm owner-financing with and told him I couldn't deal with things any longer. He said that as soon as he got the place sold, he give me my down payment back. PRAISE GOD! He thinks he will have it sold by the end of January. Cross your fingers and toes! I'm just not sure what I want to buy so I decided to just rent for a while. For some, this is pissing away money. For me, its time to think. I tend to jump into things without thinking sometime. (you know, like buying a fixer-upper when I have no fixer-upper skills WHATSOEVER!)

So, back to my apartment, last night I heard this scurrying noise and panicked. Then I laughed. I paniced because I thought the rats were back. I laughed because I remembered I lived in an apartment and the scurrying was just my neighbors... humans.

This place is BRAND NEW. No one has lived here before. Its insulated. It has heat and air. Still no garden tub, but lets just say I'm not afraid of falling through the floor when I shower! I was even able to salvage my door bell from my old house and install it here. (am I crafty or what?) No weird smells or spider webs. Back at the trailor, Everytime I turned around I smelled something foul and prayed it wasn't a dead animal stuck in my ceiling. Well, that's about it. Take Care! J

My Merry Christmas Letter

I wrote this letter and sent it out with Christmas cards. In case I didn't put one in your Christmas card here is what it said...

Dear Family and Friends,
I hope this letter finds you safe and enjoying all that life throws at you. Let’s see , where to begin? Mom and Gene are doing good. Mom got a promotion with DCF. Gene works for Wakulla County Sheriff’s department and part time at Wal-mart. (Yes, Wakulla got a Wal-Mart!)

My sister and brother-in-law are expecting a baby. Thomas Ralph Clore is scheduled to make his grand entrance around the first of March. I can hardly wait! Molly and Eric are naming him Thomas after Eric’s father and Ralph after our dad. I love the symbolism behind the name. He’s the beginning of something really terrific for all of us.

As for me, I left Palm Beach County schools in March to move back to Wakulla County. I love d my job but was terribly homesick. I miss the great friends I made during my short stay and feel it was definitely worth the adventure. I purchased a half acre of land in Wakulla county that had an older mobile home on it. March-May was spent remodeling it. After six months of dealing with random catastrophes (i.e. a giant rat, a tree falling on my roof, and no heat or air during the month of November) I moved out. I am now renting a small BRAND NEW apartment in Crawfordville. Its cute and did I mention , free of rats?

I am teaching pre-k ESE children at Wakulla Education Center. Its hard work, but I’ve got the sweetest kids ever. I’m thinking about applying to FSU to begin work on an educational leadership degree in the fall. This degree will open more doors for me. I love teaching but retirement on a single teacher’s salary isn’t going to cut it! I turned 30 this May and still no sign of Mr. Right anywhere, so I have to be prepared.

I’m not the best with calling but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Call or visit when you can. I have a futon ! Oh yeah, one more thing Happy Holidays!
Love,
Janie

HI Friends! I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving. My mom and I left Wakulla around 5am this morning and headed for LA to visit my sister and brother-in-law. Let me say, I amNOT a morning person. I thought I was going to die! It was worth the trip. I haven't been over since Katrina hit in 2005 so it was a shocker to see the leftover damage. One year later, people are still living in FEMA trailors, signs are blown out, and the trees on the interstate look like they were planted crooked. We haven't even seen where the real damage hit, so I can only imagine. My sister and brother-in-law almost have their house repaired but its been a slow process.

They took us down to the Quarter to eat at a restaurant called, 'Brennans.' We had to dress up to get in! Molly had made reservations and had asked if they would be serving lunch off the menu. They said yes. Imagine our surprise when we got there and all they were serving was breakfast! I didn't say anything but my mom and I looked at each other in confusion. Call me ungrateful, but we had not traveled six hours to eat poached eggs! Anyway, I opened my little narrow mind and called it a learning experience. I have forgotten how absolutely delicious food is here! We had the most amazing meal. The company was great too! We each had a three course meal. I got something called egg portuguese. I sure hope my Weight Watchers' leader isn't reading this. After we ate we hit a sale at KMart. It sucked so we went home. I took a 2 hour nap in a comfy recliner. By the time I woke up, it was time to eat again! So, we ventured out to an Asian Buffet. I can't believe I ate AGAIN!

My sister has a doppler so we got to hear Baby Thomas' heartbeat. I can't wait to meet this little guy. Molly looks so cute. For once, her belly sticks out farther than mine!

Molly has to work tomorrow. So, Mom and I plan to meet her for lunch and then do the casino. Yes, I know, we're real traditional kind of folks! I'm just too tired to venture out shopping. Besides, they serve FREE beer at the casino! Take Care! Love, J

Things You Shouldn't Skimp On

Ok, I've been dying to write about this. Some of you may think I'm getting a bit too personal or have totally gone over the edge but I just gotta do it. Growing up, my Grandma Tucker told me there were two things you should never skimp on. Now, for those of you who didn't have the pleasure of meeting my Grama T. you really missed out. She was a hardworking woman who gave her all. Despite her lack of book knowledge, she had the most wisdom of anybody I have ever met. (She also made me feel like I was the most beautiful, wonderfully made creature on this planet!) Sorry, I digressed... Anyway, she always told me, "Janie, there are two things you should never be cheap with. One is shoes and two is a good bra."

I've valued her words and kept them close to me for many years. There was a time, I have to admit that during college I bought cheap shoes just because they were cute. After nine years of teaching and gaining 50-60 pounds, I don't do cheap shoes ANYMORE!!!

As for bras, isn't that the truth? She'd say to me, "Janie, when your forty, you don't want your breasteses (yes, she said 'breasteses') to hang down to your belly button." Now, I've worn bras for the past 20 years. I've ventured from training all the way to a 44 C. Now we're getting personal! I've tried underwire, padded shoulder straps, lunch lady bras but I just can't find a bra that I really like! Once when I was in college, (remember the fen-fen days?), I wore a 36C and could wear Victoria Secret bras. Those were great but unfortunately, they don't make bras for the larger woman. So, if anybody can recommend a cute bra that actually holds my boobies up without using steel and straps that slide, let me know.

As I've aged with wisdom, I've decided to add to Grama's list. Two other things you don't skimp on are underwear and feminine products. I can't tell you the last time I've found a good pair of underwear. Who in their right mind can stand thongs? Who wants yarn going up their crack? then theres 'grannie panties.' They're great if you want the world to know what size and color drawers you have on everytime you bend over! I used to be a fan of Victoria Secrets' drawers but for some reason these days I notice they sag in the butt. You know what I mean. It looks like you took a dump and left it there. I bought these cute underwear from Hanes but after one wear the damn things end up under my butt cheeks instead of over them! (sorry, I know that's graphic.)

Another issue I've been dying to write about is femine protection products. Don't ever buy generics. Trust me, I've tried. You may as well use a corn cob for a tampon or cardboard for a pad.

So, if you've learned anything from this entry it should be this: don't skimp on shoes, bras, underwears or feminine protection products. Trust me on this! If I've offended anybody, I'm sorry but I've been dying to get this off my chest.

Just Checking In!

So, seriously, I should be up doing something but instead I'm here on the computer, procrastinating. Its just a beautiful day to do just that. My dog Missy is right here beside me procrastinating as well. I need to wash clothes, cook this organic meat I bought a couple of weeks ago before it goes bad, file, plan for my class, yadda yadda yadda. Instead I'm enjoying wasting time, with ok, maybe a twinge of guilt. Why, when we waste time do we feel guilty? Who knows?

My cousin had her baby this past Thursday. Its amazing how much the baby looks just like her big sister at that age. They are sooo cute together.

I'm going to visit my sister for Thanksgiving. I can't wait to see how big she's gotten. (She's pregnant, remember?) I went shopping the other night with some friends and found the coolest race track I want to buy my new nephew for Christmas. I should probably wait until he's born. We'll have so much fun with it. I can't wait for him to be born. I'm going to spoil him rotten. He's going to have his own toy box at my house and everything. (Am I a dork or what?)

The sweetest thing happened yesterday afternoon. I called my friend Maggie and she asked me if I wanted to pick out her colors for her wedding or should she go ahead and do it?I laughed and told her its her wedding and I'll just be there to support her. She said, "but you're my maid of honor. I want you to have a say." I was stunned. See, she isn't having a traditional wedding so I just figured she wasn't having a maid of honor. I was so overjoyed you'd think I'd have cried. Guess what? I didn't! I think the therapy is working!

You're probably thinking after reading this entry that I'm bi-polar, bouncing from one topic to the next. I'm not. Just catching you all up on things. Well, I really need to get busy. Take Care! Love, J

This time, I lost more than weight!

I thought some of you would appreciate this... You know how I'm on this Weight Loss kick with Weight Watchers. (12 pounds so far!) I normally go to the meetings here in Wakulla but on one particular occasion, my friend Jes and I decided we'd try a meeting up in town. You know, we wanted to see if they did anything different in the big city. Jessica and I took our seats on the back row and anxiously awaited to hear what the leader had to say. This leader informs us that we're going to get in groups and share. I don't know about you but I'm not one for "getting into groups and sharing" with complete strangers. Just as we were reluctantly about to get into our group my cell phone goes off. (I'm usually very careful about muting it but this one time I had not!) In an embarrassed panicked sort of way I managed to fumble through my purse and answered the phone. Jes and I hurried out of the meeting apologizing that I had an emergency and had to leave. Saved by the bell! Oh, but it gets better... We get down the road to do some shopping when I notice my wallet is missing. Guess where it was? Yep, at the Weight Watchers meeting! It had fallen out of my purse as I was fumbling for my phone. There's more... apparently, I don't have any kind of contact information in my wallet, you know like a phone number to call in case my wallet were to be found. What I did have was a check from my mother with HER information on it. So the Weight Watcher lady that found my wallet called my mom and told her they had found my wallet. To some this may be no big deal but if you know my mother you'd understand. Let's just say her anxiety is worse than mine! The good news is, honest people found my wallet, the bad news, I had to explain to my mother that I had lost my wallet. Yes, even at 30 years old, that still bothers me!

Happy Halloween

Have you ever felt like you had a hot air balloon on your shoulders for a head? That was me today. I think I'm allergic to something in my classroom b/c since school's started I've been in the doctor's office on a monthly basis for sinus trouble. I've been to the ENT too. I've had x-rays, but they can't find anything. GO FIGURE.

Today would have been alot of fun if I hadn't of gone from wanting to puke to wanting to stop my headache from hell. All our little friends came dressed so cute in their Halloween costumes. We had a parade around the school, stopping at various places to get candy. Afterwards, we had a party. It went off without a hitch. I am so grateful for all the parental support we got. The children had a good day. I have to admit it was a bit challenging trying to help Buzz Lightyear and the Fairytopia Princess go potty without peeing on their costumes but we did it! I was a red M&M. I've had that costume for 9 years! I wore it my first year teaching. It was alot looser back then.

I haven't made it to the gym this week and I have to admit I'm sort of bummed about it. I have had plently of time but just too sick to go. I managed not to gorge myself today so I shouldn't have gained anything. Hopefully tomorrow I can go. The doctor gave me steroid shot and I'm feeling pretty good.

Well, I should go. I' m tired and I think for the first time in 3 nights, I just might be able to sleep. TaKE cARE!

Put Your Big Girl Panties On and Deal With It!

How funny life is. I know that's probably not grammatically correct but who cares? I woke up this morning determined to wear my 'big girl panties' and deal with things. (Sorry, don't take that statement literally and you'll be fine!) I thanked God for my new furnace that heats my whole house and the electricity that allowed my alarm clock to go off so that I wouldn't be late for work. I got in my beat up ole Honda and drove the 3 miles to work, yes I said 3 miles and thanked Him for that. As I mopped up spilt milk, I had to laugh out loud at the fact that I make almost $40,ooo a year to wipe up spilt milk and play all day with people I truly love. I am truly blessed. I don't have money or a fancy car, but I have so many wonderful people in my life and for that I am grateful!

My Plan

So, my last entry was a real blagh fest. The whole time I typed it, I thought, "well Janie, what the hell are you going to do to fix things?" So here goes:
1. my weight, okay, Tammy, you don't have to write me a long sweet letter like the last time. I am beautiful. I know this, but when I can't breathe when I bend over to tie a kid's shoe, its time to take action. Rebecca, don't laugh, but I'm back on the weight loss train. This time its Weight Watchers. I actually feel in control. So far, I've lost 10 pounds in two weeks. Go me! I don't expect to lose that much from here on out but 1-2 pounds a week will suffice. I actually crave exercise. Is that sick or what?
2. my love life, I keep hearing people say, "when you're not looking it'll happen. So, I've decided to hell with it. No more internet dating, no more feeling lonely. I'm going to concentrate on me, have fun with my friends and see what happens.
3. my car, I can't buy a new one right now. Possibly in February or March. Until then, I will test drive a variety of cars, research prices on the internet and continue to improve my credit.
4. my home, currently I am doing an owner-financing deal. In June, I'll be able to get a loan from a bank and this place will officially be mine. At that point, I will put a big-ass FOR SALE sign out front and in the newspapers and get rid of this place. In the meantime, I am going to be looking for a NEW townhouse with minimal yard issues and trees that are firmly planted in the ground! Once I sell this dump, I will buy a new home.

So, that's my plan.

Keeping Up With the Jones'

Prologue... not sure if that is the right term, I have a friend of mine who says its setting the stage. Anyway, whatever it is, I started writing this entry on October 9th but put off finishing it because I wasn't sure what else to write. I also don't want people to think I'm a spoiled brat who isn't appreciative about what I have. Lord knows, I am! This entry isn't a feel sorry for me plea either. Just a girl expressing her thoughts...

Sh... sit real still. Can you hear it? Its the sound of silence. Why you ask? Well, its because my satellite is out of commission. You know the funny thing? I kind of like it without the t.v. If I didn't have a contract I think I'd have it turned off. Seriously, the power people came today to install a new pole and ironically now my satellite isn't getting a signal. It could be until Saturday before I get any t.v.! GASP!!! How will I ever survive? (By the way, I paid the bill, its not that)

Oh, before I write about my feature title, I should let you know that my sister is having a boy. We got the ultrasound photos last Wednesday and he is definitely a boy! Quite the gymnast too. He was standing on his head with his legs wide open for all the world to see his little manhood! Molly and Eric have decided to name him Thomas Ralph. He will be called Thomas or Tom. Thomas after Eric's dad and Ralph after our father. I know, not very popular names but its the sentiment behind them. Also, the placenta has reattached. Keep praying. Only 18 or so weeks to go. She's at 17 now.

While I'm so excited about this little guy I'm also worried. Shocker I know... me worry? Seriously, I'm afraid I won't get to bond with him because they live so far away. Also, I'll be the aunt he's not allowed to spend the night with because she lives with her dog in a trailor. We shall see...

Oh yeah, so the reason for my title. Its so funny how people compare themselves to others. One is never skinny enough, or lives in a nice neighborhood or drives a good enough car. Why are we like this? Why do I constantly compare myself to other people? I've been pondering this for a while now. Growing up, I always had to be the best. I had to make the best grades, look my best, etc. Funny, how despite the good experiences I have about growing up, those same memories are also contaminated with worries. If only I'd had meds and therapy back then! Now that I'm older there are times I am angered that despite having a master's degree as well as made several other accomplishments, all I have to show for it is a car with way tooooo many miles on it and a trailor that's so old that we're not really sure just what year it was made! There's a group of us that all graduated from college together. We call ourselves the 'London girls' because we all studied abroad one summer and became great friends. We try to see each other at least once a year. I love those girls. Of the six of us, though, I always feel less than, or not quite adequate. Crazy, I know but I do. They always seem to have it together. Most of them are married, with children. They all live in gorgeous homes, etc. Then there's my sister. Do you know how humiliating it is to call your baby sister to ask her if you can borrow her credit card because you don't have one of your own? Nevermind the fact that she's branch manager of a bank and drives a Lexus. I'm not a bad person. I work very hard for my money. In fact, I always seem to have at least two jobs. Why don't I have something to show for it?

Again, this isn't a pity parade for Janie. Maybe it is. I don't know. I've been harboring these feelings for some time now and felt the need to get them on paper. As I've mentioned before, I am grateful for the experiences in my life. The places I've been, the tasks I've accomplished, even my green CRV that I have to open the driver's side door when I'm in the drive-thru window b/c the window won't go down. So, why... why do I feel the need to be like everybody else? (I'm not asking for comments. Just questioning myself.)

Inside my head

I don't know if its this way for all people with generalized anxiety but for me it can be really exhausting. I was thinking about it the other day and discovered that if I'm not worry about something, I'm feeling guilty for not worrying! I'm always on guard waiting for something. Not necessarily something bad but just anticipating the unknown. I don't like these feelings. The good news is I have begun to recognize times when I'm not having these anxious moments. I am learning to soak up these moments in hopes to generalize them.

An example... this weekend. I had planned to spend Sunday working in my classroom. There' s nothing urgent there that needs to be done but I just wanted to clean and change out some toys. So Saturday I kept thinking how I really didn't want to go and if I went then that meant my Sunday routine would be out of wack, but if I didn't go then it would mean I'd have that much more to do on Monday. Can you see how this can be tiring and over something really unimportant?

It's 6:00 am Monday morning and if I go back to bed, I can get another hour's worth of sleep! Bye!

It's now Wednesday night and I'm trying to finish this blog.
Another one I face daily... is worrying about making someone angry. You know, its one thing to actually do it, apologize and move on. Its another to stew over it. An example... this past Friday, I was late to work. I didn't call in but I had been sick the day before so I figured if I was a few minutes late they know why. My boss met me at my classroom. She wasn't angry with me, she just reminded me that if I'm going to be late to call. No big deal, right? Not for Janie. NO, I obsessed over the whole day. There are other issues but if I share too many you'll know all my secrets. Well, I'm tired. I need to go! Bye!

Mickey moved back to Disney!

Update on the the rat situation... I think we found the culprit. I don't know what I'd do without my mom and stepdad. I called them on Tuesday afternoon as I was rushing out the door to teach my evening class to tell them that I smelled something bad in my kitchen but I couldn't find where it was coming from. My stepdad came over after work and found one dead rat in the trap. I feel kind of bad typing it but those little cheeseheads (ha ha literally) have caused me so much grief. knock on wood, since Tuesday, I haven't heard or seen any evidence that there are more rats anywhere in my house. Keep your fingers crossed.

Picture It...

You know, I love my job but it sure is exhausting. The other morning as I was showering I realized I washed my hair with my shower gel! Good thing the Preparation H is kept AWAY from the toothpaste! Just kidding, I fortunately don't have to use PH just yet.

Picture it... 18 three and four year olds all of whom have some type of developmental delay with two teachers in a room without a bathroom! Half of our little friends aren't completely potty trained so that means when they gotta go, they gotta go! This year, I've heard several comments that my co-teacher and I have the most neediest class they have ever seen. Gee, go figure??? I have one who is a runner, who is on the low end of the autism spectrum. You know, he screams for what he wants because he can't talk. He still uses a sippy cup and is NOT potty trained. My other most challenging little guy is developmentally at about an 18 month old level. He is in diapers and doesn't seem to respond when you call his name to go somewhere. Our other 16 friends vary from time to time in their developmental age so there are days when it looks like I 'm teaching a bunch of people who are bi-polar.

I'm not complaining, just setting the stage... the funny thing is, despite all our bi-polar behaviors (me included sometimes!), I think I'm where I belong. I love getting hugs and being able to make a boo-boo better just by kissing it. I love it when my friend with autism grabs my hand asking me to swing him. Its exciting to see a child try to make the first letter of their name.

So, I guess it frustrates me when we have the county's most precious resources and nothing is being done to help them. 18 kids with special needs is way TOO many for two teachers to do an effective job. Valuable teaching time is wasted going back and forth to the bathroom. Most of our walkways aren't covered and due to construction, the children have to walk in the rain to get places. We have the most beautiful gym and can't use it because its where the county stores chemicals! My co-teacher and I bring bottled water from home each day to give to the children because the water in our classroom smells like sewer water. Don't get me started on field trips! There's no money in the budget for that. The list goes on and on. I'm saddened yet I don't know what to do or where to begin doing it. I guess its all politics and until my little 3 and 4 year olds start taking the f-cat nothing will be done!

My Beautiful Niece or Nephew

Hi friends! These very tiny pictures that I can't seem to enlarge are of my niece or nephew. Thanks for all the prayers. Molly went for an ultra sound the other day and heart beat is really strong. From the beats, they think it may be a girl. Her placenta hasn't torn anymore and they things are going to be ok.

Molly didn't tell me just how traumatic her trip to the hospital was until the other day. When she noticed the bleeding she called her doctor right away. The stupid nurse told her she could come in if she wanted to but she was probably "just" miscarrying so there wasn't much they could do! Molly called Eric and told him to meet her at the hospital. hospital. He made it to the hospital just as they were doing the ultrasound. He said they were both crying and panicked only to look up at the ultrasound screen and see their baby looking right at them and waving! (see the middle picture) This baby is a fighter! She/he has guts and I personally think she/he has a pretty great profile. lol. Again, thanks for the prayers. Only about 20 more weeks to go.

Rat Poison and Mission # 4

Ok, so I don't know how to edit these things. You should read the post below this one first and then these pictures will make sense.

I dare anybody that I do not know to write some nasty comment about my method of rodent control. (I had to add this b/c a friend of mine, recently got some nasty comments from some really stupid people about a post she had written about her children. She is the most awesome mom and is so in love with her children and yet some bozos wrote rude things!)

Disney is the only place Mickey should be!

No, your eyes aren't playing a trick on you. Yes, this is a picture of my silverware drawer filled with not only silverware but tortillas, bits of chewed up napkins and chopsticks!

Before I explain how these items got here, let me explain the set-up of my kitchen... I have a cabinet under my sink where I keep my trash can. Next to that cabinet is my dishwasher. On the other side of the dishwasher is a row of drawers. This is what I found in my drawers!

If you haven't figured it out already, I have a rat. Can you imagine how mortified I was to open my silverdrawer and see this? The little f*@k&r had somehow managed to get trash from my trashcan to the drawer on the other side of my dishwasher! I immediately called my pest control guy who told me there was nothing he could do better than what I could do. So, after crawling around on my hands and knees to try and find any holes I had left open, (which I couldn't find!), I put down two little snappy traps. The next morning, the bait was gone from one of the traps and the whole trap missing from the drawer I had put it in. At this point, I am in tears. I am not a dirty person and I don't appreciate rodents! So, I call my mom. Mom talks to my step-dad who suggests I get sticky traps. So, this time I put out sticky traps. The next morning, both traps are gone! I am at my wits end at this point so I go to ACE and buy one more mouse trap and this thingy that supposedly puts off noise that only rodents can hear. This mouse trap is designed so that the rodent crawls into it, dies from the poison and gets stuck in the trap. Notice I said "mouse trap." This morning I wake up to see black stuff all under my cabinet. It looks like a black crayola crayon exploded. Obviously, I don't have a mouse. Whatever I have is larger than a mouse and since it couldn't fit in the trap it chewed its way through the trap to get to the bait. The black explosion stuff was the leftover trap! Today, I made a trip to Home Depot and bought the largest RAT trap I could find, almost lost three fingers on my right hand baiting it, and stuck it under my sink. I have also purchased some very lethal poison and distributed it around my cabinets. Don't worry, if you come over to eat, we'll have take-out! I also wash my dishes before each use!

This "new" house experience has taught me many things. One of which is, if someone says to you, "Boy have I got a deal for you. It'll just take a little fixing up." You'd better slap their face and run the other way! Well, there's a beer calling my name and I have a comfy couch to sit on. Ta Ta for now! Love you, J

I need some dating 101

Well, I had a very nice time this afternoon. The allotted hour went well. We had quite a bit to talk about. He isn't a troll and has an amazing smile. So, we ended our little meeting with both agreeing to meet again sometime. He even said, "see you later." Now, we'll see if that was just a conversation piece or if really meant it. I wouldn't mind meeting again.

Its funny though, I'm new at this dating stuff. I've only had one serious relationship and that relationship came about from being childhood friends. So, if I were to date this guy or someone else, I'm not sure what the next step is. I know I sound dumb, but what do people do on dates? I'm not talking anything sexual. Trust me, I'm just fine in that category! Not that I'm a slut... Geez, I'm rambling!

I think I worry way too much. I'm glad I'm going back to counseling next week! One thing that bothers me is that sometimes I think I'm way too simple and maybe I'm not dating material. (this isn't a feel sorry for me campaign, I'm just stating my feelings) I'm not into politics. I can't fix stuff, I can break it but I sure can't fix it! Sometimes I can't remember whether its the sun or the earth that revolves. I think its the sun. The earth rotates. I'm not that much into sports unless someone I know is playing. I like football but I don't understand it. None of these things matter to me but I'm not a slug. I enjoy people. I enjoy traveling. I love nature, as long as there's a/c and plumbing involved somewhere close! I love to laugh. Well, that's that. Sorry, Rebecca, no funny story this time!

Ok, I Lied...

Hi Friends! I've gone and done it again! I know I said I would NEVER participate in internet dating again, but its been nine months since my last fiasco, I'm bored and lonely, so, I gave it another shot. I'm meeting this guy for the first time tomorrow. I'm nervous as hell and have tried to come up with every excuse in the book to cancel. I did something smart this time and made dinner plans that begin about an hour after I have to meet this guy. So, if its bad, there's no, "lets meet again tomorrow," to end the date. I've learned my lesson!

You know, its not like he doesn't know what I look like. I've sent realistic pictures of me so he knows I'm not a size 6. I just feel so self-conscious about it. Which I know, its dumb, b/c its not like I try to do anything about it. I'll post tomorrow and let you know how this turns out.

As for my job, I love it. I'm tired though. I'm exhausted and lost my voice after the first week of school. I have ditched make-up b/c the stuff just melts off of my face due to the heat. I try really hard to not let myself get overwhelmed but I want to do it all and be perfect. That's really hard when you have 18 children and only two adults. All that crap I teach to my CDA students has gone right out the window. How the hell do you have time to change the water table between every use? And, come on, did any of us have to go to therapy for cutting out pre-made dittos? Come to think of it, maybe that's why I've been in therapy? On a happier note, I personally think I got all the cute kids, challenging but sweet. We have one who is on the LOW end of the autism spectrum. You know, non-verbal but screams. Doesn't eat anything unless it has about a 1,000 carbs in it. We have another who has a deleted chromosome disorder. He functions on about a 2 year old level and is also nonverbal. I've got one who poops his pants EVERYDAY on the playground and when I "encourage" him to clean his ownself he screams bloody murder. I'm learning alot and having fun doing it. I know it'll get better. I love getting hugs and watching them play. It makes it all worth it!

In regards to my "new" house, I'm having a love-hate relationship with it. I will NEVER purchase a used home again! That's all I have to say about that. I keep telling myself, "its only for a little while longer, the payment is cheap, you can do this."

Well, I think that's about it for now. I love you and miss you, J

Now What vs. Enjoying the Moment

Again... another attempt to sort out those anxious feelings...

Its funny how one day I can be peachy keen and then the next I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m learning how to appreciate those peachy keen days instead of anticipating the bad ones. When I get anxious my mind wanders and I’m flooded with guilt. I feel guilty about not exercising or eating healthy. I feel bad b/c interest has accrued on my credit card. I feel like a failure for not being able to meet the needs of all my students. Yadda Yadda Yadda… What I have to realize is that I am one person. I will exercise and eat healthy when I am ready. I pay my bills. I have a passion for teaching and with that passion I can do great things.

My friend Maggie moved back to West Virginia. While I am soooo happy for her, I still feel this deep sense of loss over the fact that she isn’t right around the corner. I fear we will lose that sisterly bond we have. What I have to realize is I can’t control this loss. My real sister moved hundreds of miles away 5 years ago and I’m closer to her now than I was when we lived in the same house.

Its taken several years for me to feel complete. I have a cute house on a beautiful piece of property. I have a wonderful job where when I’m not anxious, I can have so much fun. Its just that I can’t help but wonder, “now what?” Instead I need to enjoy what I have right now in the moment. Well, I’ve got to go eat dinner. Bye!

What happened to Jenny?

As I was reaching for something from the fridge the other day a friend of mine casually/sarcastically asked me, "What happened to Jenny Craig?" I politely replied, "I sat on her!" I had a series of blood work completed last week and I have a beautiful cholesterol count, normal blood pressure, no signs of diabetes... healthy. So here's my new plan for a while until my size 18/20's get too tight and I have to roll out of my car, I am going to work hard at loving me for me. Fat rolls and all! I'm going to TRY not to overeat but also not feel guilty for looking at hostess cakes. Yep, thats the plan. With that said, I have some Blue Bell ice cream callling my name!

This blog isn't really a complete story its more of what I like to call, "Sorting of the Mind." For me, this could take a while! No, seriously, just some thoughts I've had and thought I'd share. First of all, on the way home from WV I rented Dr. Phil's book on CD about loving smart. He usually gets on my nerves with his high and mighty attitude but I thought, "what the hell?" I must admit, it was a good book. So, it suggested that a good way to meet potential dates is to try the internet dating thing. As reluctant as I was I decided to join YET ANOTHER website and give it a try. My internet dating fiascos almost outnumber my weightloss schemes! As some of you already know, I have NOT had good luck with the whole internet thing. Anyway, I feel like I'm trying to sell my car when I do those ads. You know, I don't want to lie about my weight so I always check the box that states "could lose a few." "Runs Great vs. Could Use a Tune-Up" So far, I've only had offers from African Americans and 50-58 year old men who look like they should be on the pedofile list at school. I know you're thinking, "African Americans... ooh, Janie, you're racist! Well, no, I'm not. I've dated my fair share of other cultures, especially AA and I always find out that there is a "baby's mamma" or another "white chick" out there. Not playing that game again! As for the 50-58 year olds. I had a daddy. A good one. He's dead. I have a step-dad. I don't need another daddy. No offense to anybody who is in a great relationship with either an AA or an older man. I'm glad it works for you. So, the bottom line is what the hell is wrong with my ad? If you get a chance to look at it, go to yahoo personals and look me up.

My anxiety is on high this week. I went into my new classroom and realize I have ALOT to do before August 14th! Deep breath. I still have 2 weeks. I mean I used to inventory classrooms and rearrange them in a matter of 3 days. I CAN do this. Its just can I do this without hurting people's feelings by throwing shit out that doesn't promote developmentally appropriate practice? My Teacher's Assistant is absolutely wonderful and she helped me prepare the room for cleaning on Thursday. Friday, I cleaned the carpets. I took today off but tomorrow I will be going back at it. I used to get so pissed at our maintenance person at my old school b/c he was so anal about taking care of the building. Now, I understand why he did that. This new place does NOT have the same maintenance guy in charge.

I'm ending this blog on a happy note... my mom and I took some friends to Thomasville, GA today to get a car. After we dropped them off, she and I made a day out of it and shopped. I actually found a dress from Dillards and capris from Lane Bryant at the Goodwill IN MY SIZE!!!! I've been looking for this palm called a PonyTail Palm. We found them today at Lowes. I was thrilled b/c their not poisonous and I think it'll be cute at school. I introduced Mom to sushi and she liked it! We had a great day together. I didn't feel on edge and she even said she had a great time. You know, I live in a trailor, I drive an 8 year old CRV that's driver side window won't go down, and I don't have a penny in my savings account (sorry Molly, but I don't!) but I feel sooooo blessed. I have friends far and near who love me and I love them. My family is amazing. We have our differences but they always support me. I have the best job in the whole wide world... I get to play all day! For these things... I am thankful. Love you, J

Trailor does not equal white-trash

About a month ago, when Alberto came through a tree fell on my "new" house. Fortunately, it caused minimal damage. My house shook and as a result a shelf and some pictures fell off the wall. It scared the hell out of me and I'm sure I got whiplash from tensing up when the tree hit the roof. I collect Willow Tree angels and Dreamscicles. They all broke but I was able to super glue them back together. Oh yeah, so the point of this story...

The tree that fell was a huge oak that belonged to the property behind my house. That property is currently under construction so I had to go through the construction company to find out who owned it. It took two phone calls before I actually talked to a person. At which point the old man argued with me that nobody lived in that "old trailor" behind his property. So, I politely told him I had recently moved in about 3 weeks ago. Nevermind the fact that I've had people working on the place for a month before that! Well, the old man came and got the tree off the roof but left the damn tree trunk along with the debris in my backyard!

I realize that yes, I live in a 1970's mobile home and yes, the hitch is still attached to it but that does NOT make me white trash! I hope I don't offend anybody by using that terminology. I waited a week and nobody came out to move the tree. I went on vacation and nobody moved the tree. I called twice more and still no response. So, this Saturday morning, with trembling hands and a shaky voice, (remember my anxiety and how I HATE confrontation???) I called and luckily got the answering machine. My shaky voice became stern and I used my best teacher voice to say, "I've waited patiently for someone to remove this tree from my yard. I've called and no one has responded. If someone doesn't remove this tree by Monday afternoon, I will have to contact the property appraiser's office and my attorney. Thank you and have a nice day." Guess what I was awaken by this morning? The sound of a chain saw removing a tree from my backyard! Praise God, b/c I sure do not have an attorney!

While my house may not be valued at $200,000 and yes, you can hear creatures stirring underneath it, its my house. I am sooooo proud of it. My mother gave me the down payment for it and I've put alot of sweat and tears into making it comfortable. The land alone is worth so much. I didn't appreciate that construction goob head putting me off!

Wakulla...

If you've never been to Wakulla County, you should give it a try. Where else can you take your dog to the beach for a swim AND drink a beer. I am sooooo happy to be back home. I never thought I'd say that, but I am. Yesterday, I took Missy, my dog, to Shell Point. Did I mention I live 10 minutes from the beach? We had a great time walking on the beach. It was so hot though that I decided to go for a swim. I couldn't leave Missy on the shore by herself so I took her with me. What's the first thing you think of when you hear the name Labrador Retriever? Swimming, right? Not my princess. She did swim, but not without force from her momma pulling her in the water. You should have seen us. This 5'3 woman carrying a 70 pound dog in the water! She acted like she was gasping for air and her heart was beating 90 to nothing! Poor thing.

My house is coming along nicely. My uninvited house guests have moved on (mice.) I finished painting my kitchen cabinets today. My yard is looking better, I'm just waiting on my grass (yes, the legal kind!) to grow. I'd like to have a housewarming in August before school starts. Those of you who come will need to have an open mind though. While I think the place is absolutely fabulous, some of my friends may not. My tub is avocado green. Many of my closets and cabinets are covered by hand made curtains, need I re-emphasize hand made. (this means they are not even and could possibly fall at a moments notice, as they were rigged by me) Its a cozy sort of place. I figure one day I can have 3-4 bedroom house with a garage and garden tub, but right now this 1 bedroom mobile home with the 8x8 office will do just nicely!

I'm so grateful for this summer. I have enjoyed working on my place, spending time with neice and nephew and shopping with my mom. I am learning to slow down. I know its cliche, but 10 years from now, Nobody will remember that I planted sod in my front yard, but my nephew will remember that I watched him jump off the high dive at the city pool.

Our little angel

My new neice or nephew! Isn't s/he beautiful? I think s/he looks like me! My sister and brother-in-law came into town this weekend for a quick visit. My brother-in-law's aunt is a nurse. She was able to get Molly in for her first ultra sound! For those of you like me who are ultra-sound illiterate, that circular thing that looks like a fingerprint is the sac and the little dot is the embryo. (I think those are the correct terms??!) My friend's husband said it looked like a boob to him. I guess he hasn't seen any boobs in a while! It was quite exciting and an honor to be present for my neice or nephew's debut. I am on top of the world about this baby. I don't care if its a boy or girl. Molly is going to have another ultra sound done with her doctor in Kenner on the 31st of July. They will be able to hear the baby's heart beat and determine if there is more than one baby! Her hormone count was so high that we aren't sure how many are in there. Right now, her due date is March 10th.

F-A-T vs. PHAT?

My neice Kayleigh was over at my house Friday watching me put on make-up to go out. She said, "Aunt Janie, you are so beautiful. I want to be just like you when I grow, just not as fat." Hmmm, how does one reply to a statement like that? I thanked her and told her that she was beautiful too. Of course then I pondered the statement. It didn't hurt my feelings and it didn't make me cry (surprisingly, it didn't.) But it made me realize just how much my life revolves around my weight and just how often I talk about it when Kayleigh is around me. The poor girl has been to Weight Watchers, L.A. Weightloss AND Jenny Craig all with her Aunt J! It also made me think how sad it is that at the young age of 6, she already recognizes that being heavy is not a positive thing in our society.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day about weight-related issues and how it affects my self-esteem in regards to dating. She mentioned that until I felt comfortable in my own skin it would be hard for me to find someone. I totally agree. I know that I am a beautiful person, but I do NOT like being heavy. Let's face it, the majority of men don't like heavy women.

I know some people reading this blog are probably thinking, "well if you don't like being fat, then get off your lazy butt and do something about it." I'm not writing this to get responses from people telling me that I'm pretty or how to exercise. I know what I need to do lose weight. I'm just writing this b/c its been on my mind alot lately and when Kayleigh made that comment I thought now would be good time to write about it. I'm not sure where I'm going with this entry either. The bottom line is I love food. I enjoy eating with family and friends. I love sweets, especially cakes from Publix! I have realized however that I do use food as a crutch and that's not good. I don't like to exercise. For one, that means I have to wear unflattering work out clothes and get my hair messed up. Second, I hate to sweat. Third, I don't care what anybody says, exercise hurts. I'm not one for pain. Don't worry, I also know that diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure runs in my family. I try hard to stay active and walk as much as I can. I'm just not consistent.

So, I guess I'm wondering, where is a happy medium? I don't want to look like Jabba the Hut, but I'll never be a size 8 either. For one day I'd love to eat and not look down at my stomach only to realize it sticks out farther than my boobs (nice image, huh?)I guess I'm the only one with the answers. I'm going to try to love me, ALL of me, and treat my body with the care it deserves, while eating my Publix cake, too! If I happen to lose a few pounds, great, if not, oh well, as long as I'm healthy. Oh yeah, last night on 'Oxygen,' Monique sponsored a beauty pageant for large women. It was great! Thanks Monique!

Home again, home again, jiggety jig

Wow! Its been almost a month since my last post. I've been busy. I have so much to write about yet, don't know where to begin. My "new" house has been one big adventure after another. A special thanks to my stepdad for helping me.

I finished up summer school on the 28th of June and left the next morning for West Virginia. I tell you what, teaching those kids this summer was probably the best thing I've done in a long while. I have learned so much. They reminded me to appreciate the simple things in life, to laugh at my shortcomings and most of all, to SLOW DOWN! I often go way too fast. I think it might have to do with my anxiety. My mind races faster than my body will work. This in turn causes extreme exhaustion. I have hypothyroid and despite taking medicine for it, I often feel like I'm walking in a fog. Anyway, enough of that, just trying to explain what I'm like sometimes.

My trip "up north" was terrific! I rented an absolutely perfect Chevy Malibu and made it a road trip. (I know you are laughing about the Malibu, but if you have ever driven with me in my car, you'd understand.) I spent the night in Cherokee, N.C. and enjoyed a little sight seeing on Friday. I only spent about $4 at Harrah's Casino. You know, I figured it was for a good cause!

On Friday, I ventured to Charleston, WV to visit my best friend Maggie in her new home. We had a fantastic time. It was great to see how happy she is. She has the most wonderful boyfriend and I am so glad for her.

Saturday, we drove to Pennsylvania for a friend's wedding. Thank the Lord Maggie was with me. First of all, I didn't realize just how far away this wedding was. We were about an hour south of Erie! If I'd of brought my raft, we could have went to Canada! I'm not complaining. Now I can say I've been to PA. Don't plan to go back anytime soon, though. The wedding was quite beautiful but it was a Catholic wedding and I had no clue as to when to sit or stand or what the heck to say. It lasted 2 hours!

Sunday was spent shopping and visiting with Maggie's parents. I feel right at home with her family. Monday I drove to Maryland to visit a college friend of mine who is expecting. We had a great visit. I got to have dinner with her family. Again, another family I feel welcomed by. Tuesday and Wednesday I stayed with Maggie in Charleston. It rained all night on the 4th so we didn't see any fireworks. That's ok b/c I was able to watch both episodes of 'Dog, The Bounty Hunter.' I usually don't get to watch it b/c I teach on Tuesday nights. Thursday was spent driving home. It was sad to leave but I was anxious to get back to C'Ville.

I don't know what it is, maybe its the summer school thing or maybe its turning 30 but I really appreciated this trip. I enjoyed the scenery: mountains, trees, flowers, etc. I bet I stopped at every visitor's center and picked up brochures for my new classroom. I also was reminded of how rich I am. I have so many people who love me and I them. It was comforting to know I had friends and family back home taking care of my place and asking me to check in while traveling. I could go on and on, but I need to eat breakfast. Wish me luck, I'm back with Jenny Craig. I'm really close to considering gastric bypass or duct tape for my mouth. Either should work!

Oh yeah! I got the best news on my way home. I'm going to be an aunt! My sister and brother-in-law have been trying to have a baby for the past 11 months and things have finally paid off. If the doctors are right, she is 5 weeks along. Please pray that things will go well for them. Have a great week