Forget the Ones...

we tip with twenties in these here parts!

Pictures from Birthday Party

Stealing From Another Blogger!

My Friend Trish is one of the most amazing people I know. She is a full-time mommy of a beautiful little girl with special needs, a foster mommy AND an advocate for them all! When I read her latest blog entry I knew I had to post what she wrote on my blog for all of my readers to read. I'm a technophobe and wasn't sure how to just post the link so I cut and pasted her entry. Please don't sue me Trish. She has got to be the strongest person I know. If you ever want to read about true strength and triumph read her blog: My New Normal. By the way, "J" is her foster son she is talking about. Anyway, here's the entry:

I have ALWAYS loved this song.
I remember as a teenager watching this video and it made me cry (big surprise right?).When Makily was born it meant even more to me for obvious reasons.
Makily taught me that the things in our lives that are the hardest and most painful are almost always the things that eventually bring us the most joy and teach us the most important lessons (even though when the "fire is at it's hottest" I may not always see it that way). Today I had a meeting that has shaken my confidence in whether or not we will be able to eventually adopt little J. All hope is certainly NOT lost by any means but there is yet another obstacle that may possibly get in our way. I cried about it for a while. I had some pretty nasty internal dialogue with myself. It went a little like this (I have edited it for graphic language):

"What the heck were you thinking? You knew going into this how uncertain it was. You knew it was very possible you would bond with a child and have them ripped from you. You knew it would hurt. Why are you so stupid to have put yourself and your family in this mess? What are you going to do if you loose him?"

This berating of myself went on for a while.
Then when I realized that even if they take J from us, I wouldn't take it back. I would throw myself right back into the fire for him. Just like I wouldn't take Makily back. She is worth every tear, every ounce of depression I suffered, every angry moment that I asked God where he was and every second that I sat in the hospital with her wondering how long she would live. Both of MY children are worth every second of pain I have suffered to have them in my life. I will gladly jump back into the fire to keep BOTH of my babies with my as long as I possibly can.
I love you J and sweet Makily.


Standing Outside the Fire:

We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk it the tables being turned

We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned

But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire
We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall

We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist

And for that forsake it all

They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire

Chorus:
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire

There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire

Repeat Chorus(twice)

Unanswered Prayers

So not the best version of the song because its his concert version but you get the point! Its funny because a pastor used this song one Sunday in his sermon. I heard this song yesterday morning on my way to work and I teared up. Shocker, me tearing up! Anyway, lets just say this song is hitting so close to home these days! If you get a chance, read my sister's comment to this song on my comment page. So true! Love you, Molly!

Here's the lyrics:
Just the other night a hometown football game
My wife and I ran into my old high school flame
And as I introduced them the past came back to me
And I couldnt help but think of the way things used to be.

She was the one that Id wanted for all times
And each night Id spend prayin that God would make her mine
And if hed only grant me this wish I wished back then
Id never ask for anything again.

(chorus)
Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers
Remember when youre talkin to the man upstairs
That just because he doesnt answer doesnt mean he dont care
Some of gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

She wasnt quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams
And I could tell that time had changed me
Inn her eyes too it seemed
We tried to talk about the old days
There wasnt much we could recall
I guess the lord knows what hes doin after all.

And as she walked away and I looked at my wife
And then and there I thankedd the good lord
For the gifts in my life.

*chorus*
Some of gods greatest gifts are all too often unanswered...
Some of gods greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

How Will I Know?

So my married friends keep telling me that when the right man comes along I'll know. So, an inquiring mind wants to know... how will I know? So, if you read my blog and care to respond either on the blog or via e-mail let me know, how you knew that your husband was the right one for you. Am I crazy or what? Don't answer that!

I Found My Something More

I broke 165!!! I am getting closer to my goal weight. The funny thing is, I'm not dieting or exercising hardcore. Maybe love truly does work! Ooh, I probably shouldn't be using that word in my blog. I just can't believe how one person can make another person feel so incredibly wonderful. I smile all day long. When I do go to the gym, I work out harder. Its hotter than blazes and I don't even care. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo happy. Those of you who know me, know that I can tend to be a bit on the OCD/anxious side. If I don't have something to worry about, I'll typically worry because things are going so good. Josh helps me with that. He is so even tempered and calm. Seriously, he actually calms me. I am learning to slow down and relax. Of course, I'm scared. Not sure where this is all going or if it'll go anywhere at all but I'll tell you this... I've NEVER felt like this before! It gives me hope. Oh yeah, as for the title of the entry. I wrote an entry once about a song that Leanne Rhimes sings called, "Something More." It hit close to home at the time I wrote the entry. I think I found my "something more." I should stop now before I write too much! Love, J

Balancing Act

So, I am currently stuck at 165. I should be happy about this and I am to a point. I really want to be at 145 that way I wouldn't be considered "overweight" for my height. Plus, I'm vain and I really want to be a size 8! Regardless, I feel better and I look pretty darn good. I went to an outdoor wedding yesterday and sweated like a whore in church (pardon my random frankness.) Anyway, 45 pounds ago my thighs would have caught on fire and I wouldn't have looked pretty at all. So, needless to say I am thankful for the weightloss.

I work with a small group trainer two days a week. This is the same trainer who trained me to run. She asked me the other day when we could get together to work on the running some more. I told her I'd get back to her. For one, I can't balance it all. Its hard to work out, teach at night, be in love and find time for myself. Two, its freakin' hot. The thought of running outside any time of day makes me ill. I tried to run with Jes yesterday around 9am and couldn't make it around one lap. Its too damn humid! When it cools down, I'll go back to outdoor running. For now, I'm focusing on the treadmill and elliptical. So, I guess my dreams of doing a 10k will be put on the backburner. I still need to increase my speed anyway.

I had some other points to this entry but I'm running on 4 hours of sleep so I must close. Don't feel sorry for me... it was worth it! Love, J

This May Be Real

Ok, so I'm really scared to even blog this for fear of jinxing things, but I think I may be in love. Ok, really really "in like." Things are going really well and as hard as I try I can't find anything negative about this situation. I'm going to take things one day at a time. Wish me luck!

Cutie Pies

More cute pictures from the party... Thomas walked over to Kayleigh and put his head in her lap. He's such a flirt. At least he has great taste. She is a knock out! Then he decided to help push his cousin Belle in his new ride. Unfortunately, his cousin weighs more than he does, so they didn't get very far!

Had to post this one...

So a lady at work asked another co-worker if I had had gastric bypass. She couldn't believe how much weight I had lost. The co-worker assured her I did it without surgery. Not that I have anything against surgery. That was next step if this past diet hadn't of worked! Anyway, Chris was taking random shots at the party on Monday and so I thought I had to post this one. Jes has lost 30plus pounds since January and I've lost 45. Chris looks pretty hot too but I don't have a pic of him. (I mean that in a brotherly way,lol!) Anyway, I guess I'm vain but I'm so thankful to have lost this weight.

Don't Mess With Me!

Jess or Chris took this picture at my party this past Monday. If you look closely at Thomas' shoulder you can see his scar from the surgery he had over spring break. The picture is humorous. He's got Doritoes on his face, but he still looks tough... shirtless and showing off his scar. The look on his face is the look he gives just before he's about to do something mischievious, like pull hair or run from you. Gotta love the crazy kid!

What Dreams Are Made Of!

I've been dying to get a picture of Kayleigh, Noah and Thomas together. For some reason it just never works out. So I got the best birthday ever... all three kiddos together for a photo shoot. They are so adorable!

What a Great Day!

I had a fantastic birthday weekend. Yes, I said weekend. Maybe its because I'm the first born, or maybe its because my Grandma Tucker made me feel like I was the reason the sun rises and sets each day, I don't know what it is but I felt the need to celebrate my birthday the whole weekend. So, I did! Friday night I went out with friends from work, high school and college to my two favorite places: Paradise and Stetsons. I'll post pictures later. Amber was my designated driver. (I felt the need to put that in there for those of you who worry.) It always amazes me how she can go to places like that and stay sober. I'm not an alcoholic. Its a miracle if I go out even once a month! Anyway, it meant alot to hang out with so many wonderful people and have fun.

Today was my actual birthday. I couldn't have asked for a better day. I made myself go for a run and then to the gym and guess what??? I didn't even pass out! Then I came home and washed my dog and worked in my flower garden. (I'll admit it, I enjoyed myself. I am officially old!) I went over to my sister and brother-in-law's for a cookout around 1pm. They ordered me a delicious cake from Publix (my favorite!) Jes, Chris, and my surrogate niece and nephew came over. I didn't realize just how much I miss those kiddos until today. They are growing up tooooo fast. I finally got some pictures of them with Thomas. I can't wait to post those. My cousin came into town with her adorable girls. Of course, my mom and Gene came over too. My mom gave me a sweet card that said: "To Our Daughter..." It was something about being fashionable, but that wasn't the part that made me tear up. It was the word "our," because it was signed by she and Gene. Sometimes I feel guilty because I really like Gene as a step-dad. I like when I tell people my dad fixed my car or that my dad works for the sheriff's department. But then I feel like a traitor to my daddy. Hopefully he understands. Ralph Tucker, Jr. is my daddy. Gene is my step-dad.

After the cookout my mom and I went shopping. It was fun to spend time with her.

Then I got home and checked my messages. I had 6 voicemails from people that live far away or were out of town wishing me a happy birthday. I'm not trying to sound conceited or like a big dork, but it really made me feel fantastic. I am really blessed and thankful for what I have.

Ok, I promise my next entry will have some sarcasm and humor!

Worry, Fear, and Avoidance

What do all of these have in common with one another? I guess if one worries about something its because one is afraid of the possible outcomes which in turn causes that person to avoid certain situations. You can read into this as much or as little as you want to. I was walking my dog this morning and these were the thoughts running through my mind. And I wonder why my neck hurts and I have a headache?!?

I see this pattern all the time. I haven't been running since my 5k in early May. Pathetic? I've been exercising other ways: biking, swimming, lifting weights, etc... but as for running, not a chance. So today, I got up and made myself run. As I ran I thought about why I was avoiding it so much. I guess for two reasons: one, fear I would have to walk halfway through the run and two, I was afraid I would puke. (I'm having terrible sinus trouble again!) I had to laugh at my analysis of the situation. Who cares if I have to walk? At least I'm exercising. As for the puking, I'm going to be sick whether I sit my fat behind on the couch or if I run. So, why not run and lose those last 20 pounds? Geez Louise!

Then there's this whole dating thing. I don't know if you even call it a dating thing. I've been on two dates with the guys. Both of which were successful. We had a date planned for Saturday but I had to cancel due to an impromptu family event that I felt I needed to attend. My point, all is good but what do I do? I overanalyze. I worry that I'll be "too distant." I worry that I'll invest too much into this relationship and then get dumped. I guess its because one, that's just my personality and two, baggage. Yep, good ole baggage. There's baggage from losing my dad at such a young age and of course there's baggage from just past dating relationships in general. I act like I'm special or something. I think everybody has baggage. Its just what I do with mine that will make or break me. So, for this situation I think I'm going to steal that old cliche' "its better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." Now, don't go getting any ideas, I'm not saying I'm in love. I'm saying I've got to give this a shot or how will I learn?

Boy, do I feel better?!! I can't believe I wasted so many years on therapy and medication. Just kidding!

Date Update

Well, I went out with Josh last Tuesday night. We met at Applebee's and talked for almost 3 hours! It was really comfortable. Normally, I go on a blind date with preconceived notions just knowing that things are going to suck. I kept an open mind this time. It went well. I still had that nervous, throw up feeling but all in all it went well. I guess I wasn't too much of a twit because he called me Wednesday night and said he had a good time. (I didn't even put out! Geez, I sound like a slut.) He's been out of town since then so we've made tentative plans to go out this Wednesday. Very exciting times for this old lady!

I'm trying not to get too worked up over this. We'll take it one day at a time. If anything it has been a great confidence booster. Polly, can you pull a rune on this one?

Picture from Graduation

I couldn't figure out how to crop the kiddos' faces out of the picture so here's the pic of our team. Our nurse wasn't there that day. Yes, it takes all four of us and our nurse to run this ship!!! If one more person laughs and says our job must be a piece of cake, I'm gonna tell them where to shove that piece of cake!

Thomas

My nephew is the sweetest, craziest, most adorable kid I know. Last Thursday night we were having dinner at a local mom and pop restaurant and of course he finished first so I took him for a walk before all chaos broke loose. He casually yells across the restaurant, "Papa Gene I go with Nanie!" He's not even 15 months yet!

Yesterday he was looking at a copy of my mom's Ladie's Home Journal. He kept pointing at the cover saying, "Balls, balls, balls." My sister almost had a stroke when finally looked at what he was pointing to... Dolly Parton's boobs! I think in school we called that accomodation, you know where the kid generalizes one word for another. Balls...boobs???

On Turning 32...

So my 32nd birthday is next week. I have a lot to be thankful for. This time last year I was in a funk and depressed about turning 31. I couldn't be happier this year. For starters, I am 45 pounds lighter! Yay! I have a house of my very own that I am still in love with! (strange, I know, being as how I normally get an itch to move every 6 or so months!) I love my job. I am blessed with wonderful friends and a great family. Life is good!

I was making some birthday invites (which my sister said were lame, but what does she know?), and I was going to jokingly put '23rd birthday' instead of '32nd birthday.' I decided not to, but I was thinking about my 23rd birthday. I can barely remember that time in my life but I do remember being so unsure of myself and life in general. I was fresh out of college, still living at home with my mom and sister thinking about what I was going to do next. I am SOOO much happier now and while I'm still not sure what the future holds for me, I do know that whatever it is, it'll be great! (I know, I'm sappy. My ex-boyfriend was right, it is all bunnies and rainbows for me,lol!)

Graduation Day

Today was Pre-K graduation. I was never in my life so happy to see these kids graduate! As soon as I figure out how to crop out their faces I'll post some pics. I don't want anybody suing me for posting their kids on the internet. They actually did really well. Ty actually stood on stage and sang with the other kids without running away. T made it through the ceremony thanks to Holly covering his ears. The noise was over stimulating. K made it without me having to pull his ears off. He just wiggled alot but he didn't do his usual screaming. Our principal was really thoughtful and let us be the last ones in and the first ones out. I am happy to say that it went off without a hitch and I didn't have to take any Xanxex or smoke pot. LOL!!!

We met some our new kiddos for next year. Can I just tell you I am soooooo excited about this group. We're getting 3 new cutie pies. One with Down's, one with CP and another with Trisomy 22. I am so happy to actually get to teach and implement therapies rather than CPI kids to keep them from hurting themselves or others. Sorry about the lingo, CPI stands for Crisis Prevention Intervention. Its a fancy way of saying, "restraining kids." I HATE to do it, but this year, I've had to more than once. All I can say is God bless the ladies who get these graduates!

Guess What???

I have a date. Yep, a real life date with a real life man who I did NOT meet on the internet or pick up in a bar. Geez, that sounded bad. I'm not judging anybody who has met their significant other in the above mentioned places. Its just that those of you who know me, know my luck with internet dating and picking guys up in bars. Need I say more?

So, despite losing 43 pounds, having a decent hair style, and 31 years of wisdom, I still have that "oh my gosh, what the hell have I done, nervous queezy stomach feeling!?!" What is wrong with me?

I'll update you later on how it goes. We're meeting up tomorrow night after my class. Don't worry, Aunt Barbara, he's safe. He's a cousin of my friend, Amber. He's 27 and I'm sure he'd dump me right now before we had our first date if he knew I was blogging about him. So, I will end with that.

Mother's Day At Marie Livingston's

We enjoyed our second annual trip to Marie Livingston's for Mother's Day. Thomas, of course was the life of the party. He is the most amazing thing ever. I love watching him and spending time with him. It's official, my name is "Nanie." I'm sad to say it's not "J." My friend Wendi's little girl Jadie used to call me "J." So for years, that was my nickname. Sorry, Jadie. Thomas has christened me "Nanie." When he wants something, I am "my Nanie."

I was in charge of the corsages this year. Of course I waited until the last minute to get them. Apparently all Publix had were left over prom corsages! Let's just say my mom better wear that damn corsage until EVERY petal falls off.

I think everyone had a nice day.

Don't Eat the Cheeseburgers!!!

So I joined this group my trainer started called 'Real Women Lift.' My trainer is wonderful and she's taught me alot but I HATE to lift weights. So I knew that if I were going to ever get into a weightlifting routine I needed to join her new group. Its alot of fun and really encouraging. I've done some things that I never thought would be possible (i.e. sit-ups/ball toss combos, lunges with 10 pound weights, knee lifts!?!) Anyway, we had to submit information to her about our height weight and waist measurements. On Thursday, she presented us with our personal profiles related to our weight, BMI, health risks etc. I know its just a computer program, nothing personal but I was really pissed when I read it. I also know that I'm not finished losing weight but I've worked really hard and to read that I am STILL in the overweight category and at risk for heart-related complications totally negated the stuff I've been doing for the past 4 months. Its funny because I expected to see what was on the paper but it still bothered me. Perhaps I'm being a whiner. I am thankful for the 43 pounds lost thus far. When I started this diet my waist measurement was 42. When I was measured on Monday it was 37. I weighed 209.2 December 31st. Now I weight 166.2. (I'm stuck by the way!) I'm very grateful and I have tons more energy. Not to mention the fact that I feel more confident about myself. Sorry, I digressed. So the damn profile said I should weigh 124 pounds! I'm not sure I'll ever weigh that little. I'm shooting for 144. If I ever make it, it'll be a miracle! I'm not going to obsess over losing weight or starve myself to get there. I know its about feeling good and being healthy. I just had to vent and I guess I'll stay away from the cheeseburgers!

Warning: White Legs Have Been Known to Cause Blindness!!!!

After the 5k, Jes, Amber and I spent the night at my aunt and uncle's house. It was great to see them. We were able to catch up and reminisce about old times. I don't visit them nearly enough. My aunt is my dad's sister. When I spend time with her, I feel closer to my daddy and my grandmother, their mother.

My aunt and uncle made a poster that said, "Congrats on your 5k," and hung a banner up on the front door. It was really sweet.

I have to say it was a fantastic weekend. Jes and Amber are both easy going people and despite them not really knowing each other, we all just got along. Ok, I'm going to stop now. I'm starting to sound too granola-ee!

5k Aftershots

Jes and I posing for an aftershot. Not our most attractive poses.


Me, Crossing the finish line!

Me after the 5k, Ready for a dip in the pool!!!


Like I said before I really enjoyed this run. It took me longer to complete this time. I think its a mental thing. I'm afraid to push myself because I think if I do, I won't be able to keep my pace and then I'll end up walking instead of running. Silly I know, but its me. I did manage to do this 5k without walking. So, my plan now is to practice building my speed.

Disney's Minnie Marathon

I completed my second 5k last weekend. If you ask my sister she'll tell you I ran a marathon. LOL! Thanks Molly! I love you. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day to run. This 5k was held at Epcot. The flowers and wishing wells were gorgeous. Funds from this run supported research for heart disease. I ran in memory of my Grandma, Janie Fowler Tucker. She died about 5 years ago from heart disease related complications. If there was ever a person who made me feel like I was perfect, it was her. Everyone should have at least one person in their lives who makes them feel like they hung the moon. She did that for me. I miss her so much but I felt so connected to her last weekend while I was running. It was like every time I felt a breeze or saw a bright flower she was there. I put the collage I made of she and I on a t-shirt and wore it the day of the 5k.

40 Pounds Baby!!!

NO, not a 40 pound baby, but I've lost 40 pounds! Its so unreal. I can't believe my new attitude/outlook on life. I eat to live now, versus living to eat. I like to exercise. I can't believe I just typed that. I started doing Weight Watchers last week. I need the good carbs with all the running I'm doing. WW has all these new incentives for losing weight. One is a key chain once you hit your 10% weightloss. I'm getting that damn key chain! The problem is I've got to lose 16-17 pounds before I can get it. So, in all I need to lose about 25 more pounds and I'll be at a healthy reasonable weight. Here's some recent pictures to show everybody. I'm conceited but I'm also grateful to be truly happy for the first time in my life.

Needed:

Steamy hot man who smells good to come share my new bed with me. Ok, that sounded slutty didn't it? I didn't mean for it to come out that way. Its just I have all this room and Missy and I would like to share it. My mom and I went shopping with intentions of buying a new bed for HER. The sales lady informed us that they were having a great special and you could buy a king size bed for the price of a full! I just bought a queen size bed in September that is in perfect condition and my mom doesn't have room for a king size bed so guess who ended up with a new bed??? Yep, me. I am so spoiled. My mom got my bed. Here are some pics of my new bed. I am in hog heaven. I just need to find the right headboard and my room will be complete!

Me after a great nights rest in my new bed:

I've lost enough weight that I can lay down and still see my feet! (My mother was a bit confused by this picture. She wasn't sure why this was a big deal to me.)

These Are My Confessions...

I think Usher has a song by that title. I was thinking the other day about silly pet peeves I have. I probably shouldn't even blog them but I'm going to anyway. So here goes:
1. I'm obsessed with watching 'Days of Our Lives.' My brother-in-law says I should be embarrassed to even tell people I watch it but... I even have their spoiler paged bookedmarked on my computer!
2. If my bras and underwear don't match, I feel out of sorts.
3. I love to smell Crayola crayons.
4. I've been a fan of Jon Bon Jovi's since I was 10 years old. My dream is to visit Saraville, NJ one day. That's his birthplace.
5. For a single person living alone, I have an overabundance of toilet paper, paper towels and washing detergent. Not sure why, but I get out of sorts when I'm low on any of these things.
6. I've taught ESE for about 10 years now. Yesterday, I caught myself lining up ketchup packets at McDonalds. Could I be on the spectrum?

My New Normal

Trish, I'm borrowing your title for just this one entry, ok??? My co-teacher and I wrote a grant for our kiddos to go on a field trip. We got it approved and took them to a marine place last week. Reality hit me hard this time. Let me start off by saying that I am NOT embarrassed of my students, so please don't think that. (for confidentiality, I'm not using names, just first initials) I guess we get into our routine and its all normal for us. Its no big deal that A has to be tube fed at lunch or that T wears a bright orange vest on the playground so that he can be seen at all times. We know that when TC repeats what you say that means he wants whatever choice you gave him. Its not a big deal for K to hum 'Bob the Builder' but use picture cards to express his needs. And as for W... we know that when he starts laughing uncontrollably and twisting his hands, that well, he's laughing at his guardian angels we can't see. To give you a little background we have 2 kids on the spectrum, 2 with chromosomal differences, 1 who is delayed as a result of mom coming into contact with CMV during her pregnancy and one who, well, has some serious behavioral issues which we think may be linked to drug exposure while in utero. One of our SLPs was sweet to say that J is a perfect little 14 month old instead of stating, "despite being 4 years old, his behaviors are 2-3 years below his chronological age." While writing our transition statements for kindergarten, my co-teacher and I were careful to state what our kiddos CAN do versus what they can't. We didn't sugar coat things but we tried very hard to be positive.
Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble but I thought I should "set the stage" in order to make sense of what my reality was that day on that field trip. As I was saying, we get into our routine, we are positive about what all the kids can do and then we go on a field trip and reality hits. My two friends with autism are so overcome with anxiety. One has like 4 or 5 magnetic letters he's fumbling to hold onto for comfort. The other one is humming/moaning. It was as if he was saying, "ok, this is new, not sure where we are or what's going to happen. I'm in overload mode." My crack baby (I know that is so politically incorrect but forgive me just this once,) is jumping up and down trying to wriggle himself out of my hands, my CMV kiddo is screaming at my co-teacher and of course, my sweet chromosome friends are smiling, enjoying the view and taking it all in. As I was about to threaten bodily harm to my crack baby who was wriggling out of my hands, it hit me, we are not normal. Myself included. But then I asked myself, what is normal anyway? I'll save that entry for another day.
It also made my heart ache for their parents. Can you imagine, day in and day out, having to "set the stage" for your child with autism only hoping that you've done so in the right order and way so as to not start a rage? Or what about the gracious foster parents who are raising the crack baby? His foster mother hugged me the other day and said she appreciated the positive notes sent home. She said she knows its not an easy task teaching him. I said, we could never do as much as she and her husband are doing by raising this child. I could go on and on.
I'm not really sure why I felt the need to write this entry but I did anyway. I know I've written another similar one in the past but I felt the need to revisit. By the way, after the field trip, we went to McDonalds for lunch. My co-teacher caught me lining up ketchup packets in a row. (for those of you who aren't abreast to what's so special about that... its a red flag for autism!) Welcome to My New Normal!

I had a one night stand...

with a cupcake! You thought I was going to say a guy, didn't you? What dirty minds! Seriously, as a part of this diet I'm on once you start to plateau you have to do a 3 day cheat,which basically entails eating crap for 3 days to sort of shock your body. After the 3 day cheat, you go back to 3 days of nothing but protein and then you're back on track. Normally, people lose about 10 pound through this process. Of course, I am anything but normal! I haven't weighed in yet to see if it worked but I'm not expecting much because of what happened. I went on the 3 day cheat Thursday-Saturday, April 10-12th. I didn't stuff myself but I did eat things I normally wouldn't eat like ice cream two days in a row, cheesecake, pizza, a sub from Publix on white bread, french fries (do you get the picture???) So, after the race on Saturday I felt unusually tired so I took a nap. I woke up the worst headache ever and was incredibly nauseated. Sunday wasn't any better. My postnasal drip came back in full force and I couldn't even start the protein part of the diet until Monday. I seriously thought it was the flu until I talked to my friend Staci who also on this diet and did a 3 day cheat as well. Guess what? She had the same symptoms!!! I was finally able to complete the 3 day protein kick but man was I weak and nauseated. I took a spinning class on Wednesday and almost passed out. My trainer, who is also the spinning instructor pulled me aside after class and asked me what I had been eating lately. I tell you, I felt like I was the star of one of those Lifetime movie specials. YOu know, the ones where the teenage girl is secretly anorexic and her best friend rats her out? My best friend didn't rat me out but what happened was I cancelled my training session with my trainer for Monday and told her I thought I had the flu. I wasn't lying because at that point that's what I thought it was. My best friend, Jes also works with my trainer. So, Tuesday afternoon she asked Jes how I was feeling. Jes casually told her that I was doing somewhat better since I was only eating protein now. In the meantime after talking with Staci I realized it was the diet not the flu. Its funny now but man did I learn my lesson. So, Marilynn, my trainer, confronts me after class and says, "Janie, if you are going to exercise as much as you are doing, you are going to have to change your diet." So that's why I felt like I was in a movie special. By Friday, not only did I have a nasty sinus infection but I also developed another not so nice infection that I will not go into details about over the internet. Nevertheless, both are caused by excess consumptions of sugar! While I dispise being nauseated, I'm glad it happened because it really makes me think twice about what I put in my mouth. My body doesn't handle sugar well.

Before the Race

Palace Saloon, April 12th, 2008
I can't think of a better cause for our first 5k!

After the Race

Thanks Chris for taking these awesome pictures!

Thanks Cousin Erica!

My cousin Erica has a screen printing business. She made these shirts for Jes and I for our first big race free of charge! Don't we look marvelous??? In case you can't read what it says, it says, "5k Virgin."

41:38

So yesterday, I got up at the crack of dawn and ventured downtown to complete my first 5k. I know, for those of you athletic types this is no big deal but for someone who's idea of a good workout used to be shopping at both malls in one day, a 5k is monumental.

It was surreal really. (I'm stealing Jes' word!) Have you ever been in line to get on a scary ride at the fair? The whole time you're standing there thinking, "Ok, I can't do this, but I am." Or, how about you're on a family trip, driving through the middle of nowhere and you have one of those Pepto moments and there's not a bathroom in sight? That was me yesterday. I didn't have to go really I just felt like I was about to embark on something I couldn't do. Then I thought, "Janie, you teach pre-k children with special needs, you CAN do this!" So, the gun went off and I ran. I ended up only walking about a half a mile. My goal next time is to not walk at all. I figure I have to start somewhere.

I'm proud of myself for finishing. I'm also thankful for my friends and family who encouraged me through out the process. My next race is May 3rd at Epcot. Its for heart disease. I'm doing this race in honor/memory of my Grandma Tucker.

Random Thoughts

Tuesday I went and met with an insurance agent regarding life and short term disability policies. Morbid topic but something that I've been putting off for years but I knew it had to be done. During the meeting I had this flashback from a time 19 or so years ago. My dad came home laughing about how his boss took out a policy on him in case he lost a finger or limb while working. He was a mechanic. Two months later, my daddy died. Needless to say, it was an uneasy meeting on Tuesday. The poor agent kept asking me if I was ok and reassuring me that this wasn't a big deal.

As I was driving to the beach yesterday I kept thinking about fears I have. Some, because of life's little experiences are legitimate, others not so much. As a Christian I try every day to put my faith in God and hope that He'll pull me through. He has in the past... but there are times when I feel uneasy.

This weekend seeing Thomas in the hospital made my heart ache. There was nothing we could do to help him. He didn't understand what was going on and all we could do was hold him and reassure him that everything was going to be all right. At one point, with tears in her eyes, my sister said, "I can't even imagine the pain and anxiety parents of children with chronic illnesses must feel." I've been an ESE teacher for 10 years. I have a dear friend whose little girl has several medical needs. I read her blog, I comment and "empathize." While my comments and empathy are both sincere actions, I have absolutely no idea what she and her husband must go through on a daily basis. While Thomas' situation is like comparing apples to oranges with my friend's situation, some things remain the same. The anxiety of not knowing what will happen next. The frustration of knowing there's nothing you can do to comfort your child. I guess, there again, is where you give it ALL to God. Take nothing for granted and make every moment count. I admire parents. I especially admire my sister and brother-in-law. Its just so hard to believe that the girl who would lose her cat in the mountainous clutter of her bedroom and the boy who had to be taught that Nirvana t-shirts and Rustler jeans were NOT considered dressing up turned out to be two fabulous parents.

A silly fear I have is being arrested. So far, I haven't had any reason to be arrested and so far I haven't been. I guess I watch too much Lifetime television but it is a fear just the same.

A legitimate fear I have is being overcome with depression. Due to life's circumstances there have been a couple of dark times in my life but thanks to exercise, thyroid regulation, prayer, friends, family and therapy I was able to come out of those dark places. (long, grammatically incorrect sentence but you catch my drift) I have a friend of a friend who lives with chronic depression. It is a scary thing and its real. How do you help someone like that? How do you help them help themselves?

Again, I guess that's where one's faith comes into play.

Pics

Some friends from high school came into town this past weekend. I met up with them Saturday night for a quick visit. We had a good time catching up and reminiscing(sp) about old times. Sorry the one picture is sideways but I'm tired and didn't feel like turning it around. I had never had an apple martini before then. I should never have tried it. It tasted like an apple Jolly Rancher. I also enjoyed a very cold beer. It made me realize just how much I miss cold beer!

Thomas' Stay at TMH

Molly and Eric took Thomas to the doctor Friday for what looked like a spider bite on his left shoulder. The doctor put him on an antibiotic. By Saturday morning the redness had spread and he was continuing to spike a high fever. So, they admitted him to the hospital. By 4pm they gave him an IV and was pumping full of antibiotics. Dr. Crooms did surgery to remove the pocket around 7pm Saturday night. Thomas came out of the surgery pretty good. He was starving and very thirsty since he hadn't had anything to eat since 10am that morning. When he came out of anesthea (sp??) he said to the doctor, "tea? tea?" The doctor came out to get Molly and Eric and asked who "tea" was. He meant he wanted him some unsweatened iced tea! Of course he got himself some tea. He also ate a grilled cheese, a
chicken breast and french fries. The nurses have all been really sweet to him. Of course, how could you not be sweet to that precious baby? When he was admitted to the hospital he was wearing his Crocs so a nurse rounded up a pair of Christmas socks for him to wear. He was a trooper through it all. He charmed everyone with his smile and wave. Sunday morning the lab results came back saying it was MRSA. The doctors discharged Thomas on Monday afternoon. So far so good. We're keeping our fingers crossed that he will continue to heal. The scary thing is, Molly has no idea where he contracted it from. Please pray for a quick recovery and for Molly and
Eric to get some rest. As busy as Thomas is, I have a feeling this is just the beginning of many more adventures involving Thomas Ralph Clore!
Here are some pics of his stay in the hospital:

Spring Break '08!

In the past, Spring Break for me was spent drinking beer and lying on the beach. While I did have a beer or two, this Spring Break was somewhat different... Mom, Molly and I made plans to go to a resort for Spring Break with Thomas, but things changed when Thomas had to go to the hospital. Since Thomas couldn't swim and he needed to be under his doctor's supervision we decided to stay home.

Friday night I had dinner with some great friends from Jacksonville. I went out with some friends from high school on Saturday night. I met with my trainer twice this week to practice running for my 5k. I was able to clean off my backporch. I exercised ALOT. On Wednesday I drove out to Apalachicola to do some window shopping. I love that little town. There is so much character there. On my way home I stopped in Carabelle and went swimming at the beach. It was freezing ass cold but I didn't care. I was determined to swim and I did! The bathrooms were of course under construction so I had to change in my car. Thank God I've lost so much weight. Its alot easier to be discreet! Jes and I did some shopping today. Tomorrow, I'm taking Thomas to the Jr. Museum. Saturday is my first big race. My cousin Erica made me a shirt that says, "5K Virgin." I can't wait to wear it. Maybe it'll attract some men. Finally, Sunday will need to be spent getting ready for work, YUCK!!!

Weightloss Transformation

I'm sure you're getting sick of me talking about my diet, exercise and losing weight but it's my blog and well, that's whats on my mind so here goes... AGAIN!!! I was going through some pictures and came across some photos I took during this journey. I'm glad I found them because today I was in the dressing room trying on workout clothes and I kept seeing my flaws rather my accomplishments. I've gotten impatient with myself. I didn't gain this weight overnight and I have to remember I can't lose it overnight. I have to remember that I've lost 37.6 pounds in a little over 3 months! I haven't been under 200 pounds in nearly 10 years!!!! I can run 3 miles in 13 minutes without losing a lung or having a heart attack. I can feel my breast bone, cheek bones AND if I search in the right place, I can even find my hip bones! The best part about this diet is that I haven't had to wear my Sea Bands for nausea in like 2 months!

Anyway, my weightloss is beginning to taper off so the weightloss nurse suggested I do a 3 day cheat to shock my body. This means for 3 days I eat things I've been "missing" out on like bread, ice cream, pasta without over doing it. After the 3 days, I have to go back to my normal routine. I sure hope it works. I was really scared to try it for fear I'd OD on things I use to crave. Its really funny because last night for dinner I ate a sub from Publix with the bread. Afterwards, I felt sick. Tonight, Jes and I went to Logan's and I ate a yeast roll for the first time in 3 months. I expected to have that near heaven feeling. Nothing happened. I did however have the worst heartburn ever. I also felt heavy and tired. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to getting back on track.

5k anybody???

Seriously, I'm trying to do at least one 5k a month. Eventually I want to do a 10k and a triathlon but I figure small steps are good right now. If anybody knows of any races where they live or elsewhere, please let me know. I'd especially like to do one for autism, cerebral palsy, emmanuel syndrome and heart disease. If I plan ahead of time, I would love to travel to race!

Don't Laugh, I've Lost 37 pounds!

So, its too damn hot to run outside. I broke down and joined a gym. Monday I met with a trainer and she suggested I take some classes. I also scheduled to meet her on Friday to go over a personal weightlifting plan for me. I really need to tone and improve my running endurance.

I once had a student I will call "Bo." Bo was diagnosed Educably Mentally Handicapped, but he didn't know that. We all pushed him just as hard as the other kiddos, just at his own pace. He also had a vision problem and would run into things. None of that ever stopped Bo. Bo was enthusiastic about everything. Everytime you would see him, he would be grinning from ear to ear. He gave the best hugs, too. One winter his parents put him in soccer. He would run the opposite way but it didn't matter. He loved the game.

So, Monday I took a body sculpting class. Anyway, I saw a glimpse of Bo in myself this past Monday during class. At first I had to remind myself this was a new class. All I had to do was try. Once I got into it, I started grinning from ear to ear. The instructor must of thought I was nuts. Here I was offbeat and sweating like a pig exercising and all I could was smile big! As I worked out all I could think about was the weight I have lost thus far and just how much energy I have. At one point, I even rolled right off the exercise ball. I didn't cry or run out of the room. Nope, I laughed and got back on the damn thing. I guess I need a t-shirt that says, "Don't laugh, I've lost 37 pounds!"

As for my special students, people will often ask me how I can do what I do. Some people even ask me what the quality of life is for the kiddos I teach. Now granted, there are some kiddos whose quality of life will indeed suck because of choices their parents have or will make but for the most part, for kids like "Bo" the sky's the limit. If we all strive to set high expectations and meet them where they are, they will soar. Not only that, but they bring a ton of joy to everyone around them and great memories for later. I taught Bo over 4 years ago and he still holds a special place in my heart.

Belly Dancing Vs. Pole Dancing???

My friend Kristin suggested we try belly dancing classes. She swears it gives you a full body workout and cleanses your karma therefore giving you inner peace. So, another friend of mine, Amber, met Kristin and I last night for belly dancing lessons. For some reason I couldn't get Jes or Staci to go with us. Amber's husband laughed when we told him. He suggested we stick with the pole dancing. (just a joke, I have never been pole dancing)

Anyway, we went. Now mind you, I am the most uncoordinated person ever. I would probably get kicked off of a Special Olympics team I'm so clumsy. But, I figured what the heck, I'd try it. The class started 30 minutes late and while the instructor was good at what she was doing, she was too much into her job. She decided I'd be her special project and kept critiquing me. Halfway through I decided this wasn't something I'd be doing ever again. It was a learning experience and, as a result, Amber and I have decided that we definitely have to take pole dancing lessons in order to compare the two. I'm sure the pole dancing lessons would benefit me a whole lot more than the belly dancing!

In special ed, if a student doesn't receive a regular diploma they get what's called a special diploma. These students don't take the FCAT. They take an alternative assessment and based on their performance receive a certain level. I can't remember all the levels but they're something like, "supportive," "participatory," etc. Anyway, my belly dancing abilities are such that I wouldn't have even received a score on an alternative assessment!

Policia, Policia!

Ok, Trish, This is for you... I've frequently made references to me running from the police in Costa Rica. My friend Trish has been asking me to tell the whole story so here goes: The summer before my senior year of high school I went on an exchange program to Costa Rica. For those of you who didn't know me back then, I'm embarrassed to say I was seriously a goody two-shoes. Yep, I even carried a Bible to school. I never went to the woods to party or have sex. I followed my mom's curfew and I was always trying to save somebody from their sins. (I have since made up for all of these things more than once or twice, just in case you are wondering, lol!)

And talk about ANXIOUS!!! Where the hell was the Effexor back then? I worried about the craziest crap. Because of all the worrying, looking back in all honesty, my high school years weren't all that enjoyable.

So, anyway, back to Costa Rica. I was paired with this really fun, adventuresome girl who was like polar opposite of me. Apparently, it was a tradition at their high school for the seniors to go out at midnight and bang on the doors of the juniors. (I think that's what we were doing. It was almost 16 years ago and alot of Bud Lights later, so I can't really remember.) Anyway, it's midnight in Costa Rica and I'm trapsing across people's yards with my Costa Riccan sister and her friends when all of a sudden I hear someone yell, "Policia, Policia!" The next thing I know everybody starts running. My spanish isn't all that great but I sure knew the word "policia"! So, I ran. Now, I wasn't extremely overweight back then, but I wasn't fit either. I am also 5'3" tall. Picture it if you will, me 5'3" running across a field when I come to a 4 foot cement wall. I swear to you, I jumped the wall! I guess that's what they mean by the power of adrenaline??? I had NEVER done anything like that ever before. I can honestly say, I have never done anything quite like ever again, either.

Yep, that's my 'Policia' story. Come to think of it, I sure would like to go back to Costa Rica. I have some reliving to do!

Running...

I finished the 'Couch to 5k' running program on Thursday. I ended up only being able to do 2.4 miles in 30 minutes. Today, I ran without using the program, at my own pace for 3 complete miles. It took me about 45 minutes. I really hope I decrease my time by April 12th. I think I will because I'll be running with Jessica. You also get free beer at the end of the race. If that won't motivate me, I'm not sure what will. Although, if the race starts at 8am, I'm not so sure I'm going to want to start drinking beer at 8:45am!??? Hrrmm, I need to ponder this one some more.

I broke down and joined a gym this past Friday. After Thursday's run, I thought I was going to freakin' die of a heat stroke and it was only like 75 degrees outside. It's just going to get hotter! I got a really good deal at the gym and think I'm going to get a personal trainer. I'm at the point now where I need to do some serious toning and you know me. I don't like to push myself. I hate to sweat and I especially hate weightlifting! So, I need a trainer to push me. I seriously want to be a size 8 by July. I've never been an 8 so I'm not sure if it'll happen but I am going to continue to work hard to get there.

Bra Shopping

After class yesterday, I broke down and went bra shopping. I have everything from a size 44 to a 40 in my drawer and they are all very loose. So, I decided my girls needed a little face lift and went in search of a good bra. As I've mentioned before, if there's one thing that my Grandma T. instilled in me, it was the value of a good bra. I don't believe in buying cheap bras. I went to Victoria Secret first, but they weren't having a sale so I went over to Lane Bryant. They go as low as a 38 and I figured I wasn't any lower than that. I went in the store and asked to be measured for a bra. The sales lady looked me up and down and asked if I'd ever bought a bra there before. I said yes. She asked what size was the last one I had bought. I told her a size 44C. She looked at me in disbelief and measured me. I measured in at a 36/38C!!! After she measured me I informed her that I had recently lost 36 pounds. She said, "ok, that makes sense." I guess she thought I was lying or really really confused about where I was.

Here's To Finding a Good Man!

There's a country music singer who sings a song about finding a good man. I don't remember her name. Anyway, its a funny song and it prompted me to write this entry and create this want ad:

And my mother says I'm too picky! The custodian at my school was teasing me about still being single at my age. He says its slim pickins the older you get. His words, not mine. I do agree. Anyway, he agreed with my mom and said that I was too picky. I told him that wasn't true. He said, "oh, I see, you'll settle for a man with a bachelor's degree instead of a master's degree?" To which I laughed and said, "no just having a job will get him in the door." I am picky about alot of things, but degrees are of no importance. I have every right to be picky, I've waited this long. I'm not settling.

Seriously, where does anybody go to find a decent date? I'm not asking for a proposal, just dinner and a movie. There is NOBODY left on this planet my age to go out with. I'm finally feeling confident about myself and I don't know where to go to find men. Ok, I've got to stop. I sound way too desperate!

Easter Fun!

Thomas' First Easter...

Thomas' Second Easter...

Thomas had a practice run finding Easter eggs on Saturday. We took him to a community egg hunt. He was so enthusiastic. When I gave him the bucket, he tried to drink out of it. Sort of reminded me of those college days... you know beer in a bucket! Then we had a fantastic Easter Sunday watching Thomas find eggs. Its funny the things that excite these days. We hid about seven eggs but he was content finding three. He couldn't get the fact that he was supposed to put the eggs in his bucket. So, he kept trying to hold all three. I tried to show him by counting as I put an egg in the bucket but instead he just kept walking around saying, "one, two, three..." This year, we got away with just putting cheerios in the plastic eggs. He just liked shaking them. I'm convinced next year we'll have to switch to the hard stuff... jelly beans!

My Sauconies

Not sure how you write "Saucony" to make it plural so forgive me if its wrong! My friend Trish wanted to see a picture of my new running shoes. That's why I'm adding these pictures. Don't tell my mom I put the shoes on the bed. LOL! Unfortunately they aren't "magic" running shoes, but they come pretty darn close. I can jog for 30 minutes without losing a lung or snotting all over the place, now. I still can't do 3 miles in 30 minutes but I figure if I'm ever being chased by the Costa Riccan policia again, this time I'll be able to outrun them! LOL! True story, I'll tell ya later.