Been A While

Its been a while since I posted last. Looking back, I didn't realize just how much I really struggled through the month of January. Heck, who am I kidding... the past four months have been very dark. I am so thankful to my family, friends and wonderful husband who have supported me and carried me through. I know people have been praying for us and we are soooo appreciative.

Special thanks to Wendi and her gang for the beautiful flowers they sent me on my due date. Amber and Carolyn had a vinyl cling of a beautiful butterfly made and I put it on the back of my car in memory of JD.

I finally mustered up the courage to attend a support group for early loss that meets monthly. I think this will be a good thing. I've also been going to Babycenter.com and have joined a number of support groups on there.

I was contacted by Healthy Start a few weeks ago. They asked me to be apart of a research project to help prevent early loss. I agreed. They are going to put JD's name on a quilt. They will carry the quilt in the walk they have in October for Early Loss. I am honored to be apart of the project. I know JD was loved and validated by our family and friends but by taking part in this project, it validates his existence from others in society.

As far as the future goes...still not sure what God has planned for us in regards to being parents. I met with the endo a couple of weeks ago and she pulled up some research related to what the doctors think happened to us. After reading over it, I'm still left dumbfounded... yep, there is a correlation, but the chances of what happened is very rare. So basically we can try again but there are no guarantees. These days, there are no guarantees with anything. I meet with my OB this Friday to make a plan. YOu know me, I'm a planner. I'll be 35 in a few months and I want to have a plan. It only took us 2 tries with JD but I don't know if we will be so lucky the next time.

So, that's where we are at.

A Trip To Publix

I went grocery shopping the other day at Publix. The sweet little cashier took his job quite seriously. He opened my carton of eggs and said, "Your eggs look great!" I was having a good day so I almost burst out laughing. Do you know how close I came to saying, "Honey, its not my eggs that are the problem... its my placenta!" I refrained for fear of getting sent to the Looney Bin!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow was supposed to be my due date. I am supposed to be reading the last chapter of 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.' Instead, I am reading 'Tear Soup.'

Welcome to the Club

A friend of mine just found she was pregnant. She waited to make the announcement at work until she told me personally. She didn't want to upset me. I was touched by her thoughtfulness. Two days after telling me she was pregnant, she found out she miscarried. I had no words. Me, who had just been through a similar experience, could not find the right words to say. I remember thinking similar things that well-meaning people told me that I didn't appreciate like, "oh, you can try again," "God has a plan," "hang in there." I asked Josh what to say. He said, "Tell her we love her and are here if she needs us." Perfect!

When you lose a baby, regardless of how far along you are, I truly believe you become apart of this certain club. A club nobody really wants to be apart of, but nevertheless, you are granted a lifetime membership to. A club, that despite how many members, you still feel alone and different. This is a club that despite your wonderful husband's efforts or your best friends' care and concern, they will never be apart of.

Ramblings of a Post-Partum Grieving Mother

Before losing JD I never really knew what it was like to feel true pain. Sure, I've grieved the loss of loved ones but with time, that grief got easier. Losing JD left a hole in my heart that I don't think will ever close. I am a different person. I can't really describe it in words but lets just say I am different.

I can barely remember life before October 8th, the day we found out JD was gone. I've heard other people say the same thing after a tragedy occurs.

Amber went to visit a parent who's child recently died in a tragic accident. She told me that she was amazed at just well the mother was "holding it together." I remember those days. I read somewhere that often times immediately after a tragedy your body goes into some sort of shock to help you get through that initial horrible time. I remember that shock. Sometimes, I try to remember October 8th, for fear that I will forget JD or the events that led up to his delivery. Then the pain comes back and it hurts...its hurts so badly that I try to keep myself busy by doing other things (i.e. cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.) Avoidance often brings on the guilt and fear. Guilt that there is nothing I can do to bring my boy back and fear that I will forget him.

Deep down, I know I'll never forget him. I wear two charms around my neck in memory of JD. I carried him for six months. I held his lifeless body in my arms.

Not sure where I'm going with this one... I guess this is just the ramblings of a post-partum grief stricken mother.

This is My Prayer

I've been reading this blog entitled, "Jesus Complete Me." Great read. Very uplifting. Tonight, these statements hit close to home..."Mature faith is knowing and trusting God always in all circumstances. It's giving up control. It's giving up the fight... to want more and to be more in Christ. It's about contentment, contentment in Him. It's about going wherever God leads and resisting sin. Resisting sin! It's about growing up!"

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:3 NIV

Whew... talk about needing that today. Not sure what's going on lately. I have this deep pain in my soul. There are times throughout the day when I feel like I'm walking through a dark tunnel. Despite all the shopping, time spent with my family and friends or how much my husband tells me things are going to get better, I can't seem to get out of this funk. Perhaps its because JD's due date is approaching, maybe its the holidays, or maybe just maybe its just because I lost my firstborn son and there's nothing I can do about it.

Not sure.

Baby Hadley

Got to meet my niece yesterday for the first time. What a precious angel. I haven't posted much on here about her because it just hurt so much to know that six weeks after her arrival, JD was supposed to be born. She was born 12-10-10, exactly 2 months after JD's arrival/departure. She was born with the cord wrapped around her neck three times and in a knot. The first thing the nurse said when she came out was that she shouldn't even be alive. We all know why she's alive. She has a guardian angel watching over her. Anyway, after two weeks in the NICU, we still have to wait a couple more weeks for the doctors to run more tests to see if there was any permanent damage to her brain. I feel like she's going to be just fine.

Josh and I went over to Kelley and Thomas' and held her. I just cried and cried. It was sort of therapeutic. As much as it hurt me to think about her arrival, it was so peaceful to hold her. I guess that's what bittersweet means. I had to block out the painful thoughts of my boy being gone and rejoice that Hadley is here.

Amber asked me how I felt afterwards. All I could say was bittersweet. You know, people are right. It probably won't matter if I have 10 babies. I will never be the same Janie I was before losing JD. Nothing is ever going to replace him. I just pray that the pain will lessen.

Hugs from within

Its 5:25am and as usual I'm wide awake. I have no reason to be wide awake but nevertheless, I am! My due date is less than four weeks away. I am sad. I know it shouldn't be a big deal anymore. January 20th isn't my due date anymore. October 10th is.

Shortly after JD's death, a friend of mine who had also lost a child called me to talk. She asked if I had noticed anything different as a result of JD's passing. At the time, all I could think about was just how empty and lonely I felt (which, I still feel the emptiness.) If I had to think about anything positive that came of this situation it would have to be the way my mindset is these days. I notice things that I didn't before... a full moon, butterflies fluttering by, the way my husband looks at me. JD has taught me to slow down and relax (still working on that, son but thanks!)

Another dear friend sent me the sweetest note reminding me that when things get tough to reflect on the time JD was here with me. She said he hugged me from within. How is that a child who never breathed air could teach this old broad so much? He taught me to slow down and relax (yep, I typed it again.) JD has helped me to realize that no matter how much I want to be in control, its just not possible. He is a daily reminder that life is short and that I don't need to sweat the small stuff. JD is my proof that God really does have a plan. While my heart aches to not have my sweet baby boy here with me, it gives me great comfort to know that he is in heaven with his grandparents and Jesus. I know he is our guardian angel. I love you my sweet baby boy!

I love you.

Potatoes... Patotoes

My endocrinologist finally called me back after a week and a half of me annoying/calling her. Of course, she told me the same thing the maternal-infant specialist did... nobody knows for sure why these sort of things happen... they just do. You know, for all these people's help, I could be a doctor too! Anyway, what kept pissing me off was her use of terminology. She kept referring to the loss of my baby as a "miscarriage." Now granted, two months ago, thats what I would have called it too. I've come to learn that what I had was a "stillbirth," NOT a "miscarriage." A miscarriage occurs before 20 weeks. A stillbirth can occur after that. Bottom line, I didn't bring my boy home from the hospital alive, so I guess it doesn't matter which word you use.

I guess I wanted her to use the correct terminology because I wanted to remind her just how rare my situation was and that people need to take this seriously and NOT wait so long to call me back. I'm sure someone who's had a miscarriage wouldn't appreciate that comment. I didn't mean that one is more painful than the other. Losing a baby is losing a baby... no matter what stage of pregnancy one is in.

Have I mentioned lately just how scared shitless I am to try this again? I am afraid that I will lose yet another baby or worse, cause one to have a disability and he or she suffer.

I currently have absolutely no faith in doctors, btw... JOsh keeps reminding me that they are humans too and sometimes they just don't know. He tries to compare their profession to mine and reminds me that sometimes despite my greatest efforts I can't meet the needs of my kiddos. He has a point, but I'm not buying it... I have a degree in education... NOT medicine. BIG difference. I guess if I've gotten anything out of all of this its that I need to be a more proactive teacher. I need to advocate for my students and try to find ways to help them achieve. Well...I'm rambling at this point and since its 2:06am, I'll try to go back to sleep!

My Mind Keeps Turning

Its 4:40am and I can't sleep. My mind won't turn off. My OB prescribed me Ambian but I've run out of it. I think I've gotten used to it and now I can't sleep without it.
This weekend was bittersweet. Kelley had her baby. Selfish to say, I was dreading her upcoming arrival. I didn't want anything bad to happen to Kelley or Hadley but everytime I thought about her new joy, I was reminded of the loss I experienced. I wasn't sure whether or not to go to the hospital to visit her, but I did anyway. I tortured myself all week about whether or not to go. For my own selfish reasons, I made myself go. While we didn't get to see Hadley because she is in the NICU, we did see Kelley. It was good to see her. I think it helped me. I have been carrying some pretty heavy resentment towards her lately. I am sick of hunting season. Josh has been really good about spending time with me but I resent the fact that he can get away from things, go out in the woods and hunt. I can't get away. Do you know how many pregnant people I see in one day? Having a baby is all I think about.
One of Josh's cousins gave us grief because Josh wasn't waiting at the hospital Friday night for Hadley's arrival. She also thought I was tacky for asking a particular question about Hadley's delivery. Well, first of all, just exactly two months prior to Hadley's birth, we were at that same exact hospital delivering our dead son. Second, Kelley has the same doctor I have. I wanted answers as to why Hadley had complications at birth.
I guess at the end of the day, none of this matters... resentment, anger, frustrations. The bottom line is, I don't have my son. I was cheated and that sucks so basically I am looking for someone/something to blame this on.

Josh and I went and met with a geneticist on November 19th. The doctor went over all my labs and basically told us that due to my hypothyroidism, I had high levels of antibodies and those antibodies attacked the placenta which in turn malnourished my son. I sat there and cried. It took me a few days for it all to sink in. I was angered and felt so guilty. I'm not sure realistically if I could have done anything differently though on my part. Before I got pregnant, I went to my endocrinologist and asked her what I needed to do to ensure a healthy pregnancy. We made a plan. I had my levels checked every 4-6 weeks. I didn't drink, smoke or do drugs (which I keep finding info on the internet about how all of this leads to stillbirth, imagine that?) I saw a maternal-infant specialist and my OB. I even researched on the internet about hypothyroidism and couldn't find anything out of the ordinary.

I felt guilty because as a mother, I felt like I had failed my child and my body rejected him. I was angry because the doctor told what we could do "next time" to possibly prevent this from happening again. He's suggesting aspirin and a combination of B vitamins. I swear to God everytime I went to the doctor I asked about my thyroid and if there was anything I needed to do special. Everyone said no, JD has a strong heartbeat, he's developing fine, everything looks good. How in the hell did they not pick up on an underdeveloped placenta? And why, did they not suggest the vitamins and aspirin as a preventative? I would have spread cow poop on my boobs if they would have told me it helped with having a healthy baby.

So why am I bringing this up almost 2 weeks later? I got the summary report of our meeting in the mail last night. It was one thing to hear the doctor, it was another to see his comments on paper. REALITY SUCKS!!!

Now, he seemed optimistic about us trying again but of course he isn't God and can't guarantee a healthy baby. So, I guess this is where faith comes into play, huh?

My Mom

I really wish I knew how to post pictures on here now! I can't figure it out. I have the sweetest picture of my mother holding JD the night of his arrival/departure. My mother doesn't smile much in pictures and she often tenses up. This picture is priceless. She looks radiant, relaxed and in awe of my sweet angel baby. As I've mentioned before I often feel guilty because I didn't hold JD for very long after his birth but I am so grateful to the people that did, especially my mom. She even insisted on dressing him in his "going home" outfit. "Going home" outfit, hrm, I meant that sarcastically and then thought about it. He did go HOME. He's an angel now. Josh and I can honestly say we have one perfect child, lol! Anyway, I'm rambling...

So, growing up my mom was never into ribbons, bows or the latest trends. She was very protective of us, at the time, I thought she was controlling. Now, as a mom, I totally get her! Growing up, there was one thing you could always count on from my mom... unconditional love. You could tell her anything. She might get pissed but she would come around and you knew that everything would be ok. Many years ago, she told me that she prayed every night for Molly and I to find good husbands. Her prayers were heard. To this day, I am in awe over that prayer.

So, the point to this entry... Mom went to Disney with Molly, Eric and their kiddos last week. She was standing in the elevator holding Tucker and Thomas was latched on to her leg. This man in the elevator smiles at her and asks if those were her grandchildren and did she have any more. She said yes. She has one more in Heaven. My heart melted when my sister told me that story.

Just Wondering

I've heard moms of second babies wonder before baby number 2 comes how they could possible love that baby as much as they love their first born. Then, once they hold baby number 2 all that wonder goes away. I'm not even pregnant yet, but I use to wonder that myself. One day I went to sit down at the computer and looked up and saw a picture of Josh when he was about 2 years old. My heart melted. Seeing that picture reminded me of his mom, Debbie. I never had the chance to meet her but from what I hear she loved her babies. I know by the way Josh treats me that he was definitely loved by his mother. (As I've mentioned before, Josh has an older brother was stillborn, so technically, Josh isn't the firstborn.) So, to answer my question, yep, I will definitely love baby number 2 as much as I love my angel JD. Now, we just have to pray for baby number 2.

Pain

Its funny how my heart aches so badly for someone I never really knew. Yes, I carried JD inside of me for 6 months. I felt him kick but I never actually heard my son cry or felt the rise and fall of his chest. I have never hurt so badly in my whole life. I have never felt so totally out of control. I am miserable, angry and just plain pissed. My heart physically hurts. My doctor prescribed Lexapro for me to take.I am angered that I may have to take medication for something I had no say in. (I haven't taken it because I want to try and get pregnant again.) Then when I think about getting pregnant again, I am filled with fear. I am so afraid this will happen again. I feel so responsible for what happened. I was JD's mother. I was supposed to protect him. I failed my child.

Not So Helpful Things To Say...

I'm sure I've said some of these things before so I'm just as guilty as the next person but in hopes that I don't make the same mistake twice, I'm blogging some 'not-so-helpful-things' to say to someone who has lost a baby:

1. God has a plan/It was God's will. I'm a Christian but you may as well have said, "F*@K Yourself." Whatever the plan is, right now I just feel like I've been "F*@cked over!"

2. You will have many more children. How the hell do I know if I'll have more children? It may not be "God's plan." Maybe my body can't handle another baby or maybe this will happen again. NOBODY KNOWS!!!!!!!!! The only person that can say this is my mom and when she says it, she doesn't incenuate that I'll birth the children myself. She always finishes the sentence with, "someway or another you will be a mom." I love my mother!

3. You sure had a long vacation. Five weeks sitting at home aside from the two d&c's and 20 days on antibiotics IS NOT a vacation!

4. How are you feeling? I know people mean well but come on? How do you think I feel? I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I use sarcasm and wit to cover it up but deep down, I feel like a load of crap!

5. You look great! Bullcrap! I have dark circles under my eyes, my boobs sag down to my stomach, my hips will NEVER be the same again AND I have nothing to show for it.

6. You didn't feel the baby stop moving? First off, I was only 25 weeks pregnant and he was my first baby. The stupid pregnancy books say you don't really start feeling the baby move until week 28. Second, fat girls don't feel them move until sometimes later than that! Third, have you met my husband? He is the most laidback, mildmannered person you will ever meet. I just figured his kid was the same way.

7. This one takes the cake... Granny isn't going to be around much longer. She had a dream about your baby. He's being taken care of in heaven. That is all fine and good but I don't want someone else taking care of my baby! I want my baby.

Ok, so I'm probably hurting people's feelings by blogging this. So, not my intentions. Like I've said before, I KNOW I've said the same things but today was just one of those days where my heart ached soooo bad that I had to let it out.

The Results Are In

So, we got the news last Wednesday about what the doctors think caused JD's death. It wasn't chromosomal. They are chalking it up to a bad placenta. Hrmmm, the same placenta that malnourished my son is the same placenta that is causing infection inside my body and won't release itself! Tell me the irony in all of this, please?

I remember sobbing sighs of relief when Dr. McKinnie told us it wasn't chromosomal. My worst fear was that she was going to tell us we had something genetically wrong and shouldn't try to have more babies. Then I spent the next few days seriously pissed at her words. She told us we had a "healthy baby boy who died from placenta complications." I HAD a healthy baby boy. A HEALTHY baby boy. Sorry... I had to vent.

Not sure where I'm going with this entry. There so many things I want to write but can't. Maybe next time...

I do know that the main thing that gives me hope these days is the thought of trying to have another baby. I admit, it scares the crap out of me, but its also that tiny ray of light at the end of the tunnel too. Another baby will not replace my JD, nor do I want him or her to. I want my sweet angel to know how much I love him and that I am proud to be called his mother.

The Days of the Week

I've met several wonderful people on this new journey I'm on. One friend in particular asked me if there was a certain day of the week that was toughest for me. I thought about her question. Its funny because its not just one day. Its alot of days. Thursdays hurt because that's the day my pregnancy week changed and I knew I was that much closer to meeting my beautiful baby boy face to face. Fridays stink because thats the day we discovered no heartbeat and that JD was gone. and well, Sundays...Sundays are just bitter sweet. Sunday is the day we delivered JD... the day we got to hold our little angel for the first time and say goodbye all in one day.

So, that pretty much leaves Monday through Wednesday and of course Saturday. As of right now, those days are pretty well...shitty too. I am trying NOT to wallow in self-pitty but this is my blog and so I'm wallowing.

Before I got pregnant, I had a friend suggest that I read one preggo book and stick with that. She said if you read too many you will run yourself crazy. So... I followed 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.' That book sucks. I will NEVER read that book again, nor will I give that book to anyone as a gift! I know, I can't blame a book for what happened, but the book was so nonchalont about everything.

Life is full of irony and unpredictability. During my pregnancy, I wondered if I should get some parenting books and read up on breastfeeding and childrearing. I decided to wait and just focus on being pregnant. Now, I'm reading books on grieving and googling websites on the loss of your unborn child. I pre-registered for childbirth classes that were to begin November 2nd. Instead, I will be attending a support group for mothers who have experienced an 'early loss.' I feel so blag today.

Thank You DKR!

Josh and his family often joke and call me "Little Debbie," after his mother. Josh often says its scary just how much I am like her. Its funny how I've never met this woman but feel so connected. Josh's mom lost a child too. Her first born son was stillborn at 40 weeks. I've never gotten the exact story as to what happened but nevertheless, it was devastating.

When I first moved in with Josh, there were pictures everywhere. Pictures on the walls. I found giant rubbermaid containers full of 10x13s, 8x10s & 5x7s. I found rows of albums filled with 4x6s. It drove me nuts. I love pictures but come on... where the heck do you put these things? She had EVERY school picture Josh and Kelley ever had taken. I'm talkin' the big $42 packs.

As I was going through the pictures, I have to admit, I was aggravated. Sitting here typing, I am in awe. I totally understand now. If given the chance to have more babies, I too, will probably have pictures on every wall, and some in storage too. My baby boy was only with me in utero for 6 short months and I have a complete baby book just for him. I have a wall portrait being made right now and numerous 4x6s of his sweet hands and feet.

I have a new respect for you Debbie Kelley Register. Thank you for that opportunity. Thank you for the love that you instilled upon your son Josh. I truly believe that is what has made him such a compassionate, loving husband. Thank you for the chance to live in the house that my husband grew up in. Despite the rickety porch and windows that need caulking, I can feel so much love in this place.

Guilt and Regret

Guilt and Regrets... I can't put into words the way I felt when they handed JD to me. The doctor warned me that he had been through some pretty awful trauma and that his face would be disfigured. Its not his physical features that hurt me. All I could think was that my baby boy had been taken from me. His spirit was gone to heaven and this lifeless body I was holding was just a shell. I hurt so bad and was so angry that he'd been taken.

I only held him for a short time. I regret that. I'm his mama. I should have held him as long as I could. They offered to take pictures of me holding him. I refused. I feel guilty and regret that too. Again, a mother should be proud of her baby. I AM proud of my baby but at that time, all I could feel was pain, emptiness and loss.

Sweet Dreams Little Man

"Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)"

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Life Before JD

For some strange reason, I used to always think I had something to prove. My house had to be spotless, my car needed to shine, I always had to be one step ahead at work. I worried about hurting people's feelings. I worried about not having enough money. I worried when I didn't have anything to worry about! If there's anything I've gotten from all of this it's that NOTHING IS IN MY CONTROL!!!! This being said from the one who is a control freak...

I am working on this situation. It really doesn't matter how much one worries anyway.

Yours Not Mine...

I bought a couple of books on grieving the loss of a child. Before I began reading one of the books I prayed that God would use the book to help me understand His plan for JD's loss. As I began reading, 'Grieving the Child I Never Knew,' by Kathe Wunnenberg, I heard these words come to my mind, "This child was never yours to begin with, Janie. He was a gift I shared with you and Josh for a short time." While I'm not exactly ok with that as of yet, I am reassured that my precious JD is in heaven with Jesus. I am thankful for the gift that God gave us, even if it was for 6 short months (no sarcasm intended there, Lord... I promise.)

I have to remember that my baby was indeed a gift that the Lord shared with us. While I am saddened, angry and lonely right now, I do know that God has a plan. I pray that one day I will discover that plan.

What Will You Be for Halloween?

So, I met Josh yesterday at Party City to pick out Halloween costumes for a party we are going to this Saturday night. I was looking forward to it all day and then when the time finally came to pick one out I got all sad. My neck started hurting, I got a headache and walked out of the store with nothing.

I had an orange t-shirt made the beginning of this month that had a big pumpkin on the belly and it said,'Mommy's Little Pumpkin.' I was just getting big enough to wear it and knew that by halloween it would look cute.

I feel so guilty having fun these days. I can't stand the thought of going to a party and actually having a good time. This Friday will only be 3 weeks since we discovered JD was gone.

I am going as JD's mom this year for Halloween. A mom who is faking happiness and trying to gain some control back into her life. I think that's enough of a costume right there...

JD's Birth Announcement

I was reluctant to entitle this entry 'JD's Birth Announcement.' He was stillborn. He never even breathed in air. I remember before his birth, I would contemplate the type of birth announcements I would send out. Would I scrapbook them or create digital ones? Would I send the pictures of his 4D ultrasound that were to be taken November 5th as thank you notes for his baby showers? I was so excited about sharing my boy with the people we love.

I am grateful to the nurses and doctors at TMH who made our emotionally painful experience less painful. I am eternally grateful to my sister Molly and best friend Amber for taking pictures of my sweet angel.

I can't figure out how to post pictures on here. When I do, I'll post some.

Butterflies, Rainbows and Shooting Stars

I love reading other people's blogs, especially those that I have something in common with. There's one I've been reading for the past 2 and half years called 'Multiple Baby Pile-Up.' I didn't really have much in common with the author of this blog up until the loss of my JD. If you get a chance to read her blog, you should. She finds humor in sad situations and has two of the most beautiful girls ever. While the mother of this blog's mourning situation is a bit different, I liked the way she describes her son Jack to her girls. See, she was pregnant with triplets. Her sweet baby boy lived about two months. The girls are now 3. To keep their brother's memory alive she reminds the girls that everytime they see a rainbow, butterfly or shooting star its their Jack looking over them from heaven. Her comments give me hope in knowing that whenever I see one of those things, I am reminded of my angel baby looking over us.

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Somedays my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown

So Now What...

Its been almost 2 weeks since we got the devastating news that we lost our baby boy. Now what? I feel like I should be done with the tears but on the other hand I feel guilty when I don't cry. I have this gaping hole in my heart that yearns for my baby boy. I have to return to work on the first of November. I need some normalcy so I am looking forward to going back. I just have to prepare myself for the awkward silence and unwanted comments that people don't mean to say but do.

I'll be honest, I'm dreading the holidays. I don't want to spend them with Josh's family as they joyously await the arrival of Kelley's baby girl. Don't get me wrong, I pray that her sweet baby is healthy and that Kelley has a easy delivery but everytime I see her I am reminded of what I don't have. I am reminded that all my dreams were flushed down the toilet.

They say when a person dies, the living have a tendency to make saints out of the dead whether they were or not. I can agree with that to a point, however, in my case, my boy is/was/always will be an angel.

I was just beginning to feel him move inside me before he was taken away. His movements were faint little tickles that came whenever I drank something cold or ate something sweet. I had all these dreams and hopes for him. Brad Paisley has a new song out about having a baby boy. When Josh and I heard it we immediately thought about JD. I just knew my boy was going to be just like his wonderful daddy.

I know that I am not special by any means. I know that there are other women with similar stories. I am not writing this for attention but rather for therapy in hopes to keep me off meds and out of the looney bin. I am trying to figure out what is, as my friend Trish would say, "my new normal." I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions. One minute I think I am ok and the next I feel like somebody hit me with a mac truck.

I have so many fears and anxieties. The doctors ran tests on me, my placenta and JD to see if they could determine what caused his sudden death. Now, I have to wait for answers. I am not good at waiting. Josh and I want to try this again but I stand in fear that this could happen again or worse, there won't be a next time. I have racked my brain trying to figure what I did to cause this but nothing comes to mind. I do know that I stayed so tired and nauseated. I had a short temper and wasn't a very nice person during my pregnancy. Surely that's not the reason?

JD's memorial

Josh's Uncle Gary performed a beautiful memorial service for JD on Saturday, October 16th. We decided to have JD cremated so we had a sterling silver box engraved with his name and date of birth to put his remains in. In lieu of flowers we asked people to make donations to Special Olympics, WAkulla. This way our Wakulla team can have new shoes and uniforms for competition.

Again, Josh and I were overwhelmed at the number of friends and family members that came to JD's memorial. Aunt Shirley bought JD a "going home" outfit several months ago. The outfit was way too big for our little angel. My friends Julie, Amber and Lisa left the hospital after visiting me on Saturday night and went to Dillards and bought him the preemie version of the outfit. That outfit was too small too. My sister Molly took the outfit to Amber's mom and she cut it down to size to fit JD! My mother and Molly took the outfit to the funeral home and Mom dressed him in his outfit and socks of course.

I stand in amazement at how much love my precious boy not only brought to this world but just how much love was shown to him in his short little life.

After the service, Josh and I wrote a letter to JD and tied it to a helium balloon. All the way home the balloon kept making its way to the front of the car. It was as if JD were saying, "Its ok Momma and Daddy, I am in heaven and doing good." It is comforting to know that he is there with Josh's mom, my daddy and grandma T. and many other relatives waiting to love on him. When we got home we let the balloon go and at first it wouldn't go up. Josh looked at the balloon and said, "go on buddy, we love you." Away it went into the sky.

Labor of Love

They say God won't put more on you than you can handle. I don't want to question Him for fear He'll put more on us, but this is probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through. You see, I didn't get pregnant to fill a void. Josh and I discussed having a baby. Ours lives were already complete. We have a great marriage. We both enjoy spending time together and apart. We just wanted to bring more joy to our lives so we decided to become parents. I didn't drink alcohol,smoke, or anything that would jeopardize this pregnancy. I took my vitamins, had my thyroid checked and Josh went to every prenatal visit with me.

The on-call doctor gave us the option of waiting for me to go into labor on our own or being induced. We chose induction. I began the induction process on Friday, October 8th at around 9:30pm. They gave me Staydoll for the pain but told me I could have an epidural whenever I was ready. I decided Saturday morning around 9:30am to take them up on their offer. Physically, the worst part of the whole deal, wasn't the labor, it was the IV! I've decided that epidurals are definitely the way to go and I absolutely adore anethesiologists! I woke up at 11:45pm Saturday evening with the worst pressure ever. (I won't get too graphic.) The Noles were finishing up eating the Miami Hurricanes and here I was about to begin labor.

I can't even describe emotionally what I felt. I just knew this was something I had to do but I didn't want to do it. I knew it was a means to an end that I just didn't want to believe or let go of. I truly do not believe I could have made it without the support of my husband and those that were praying for us.

I'm not going to get graphic with the delivery part but let's just say it wasn't easy delivering a breech baby at 25 weeks. My body didn't want to let him or his placenta go.

My precious angel JD, was born 10-10-2010 at 1:10am on Sunday morning. He had the longest feet and fingers. He weighed 1 lb 5 oz and was 14 and a half inches long. Despite the trauma at birth, you could still see his daddy's features on his sweet face.

I am overwhelmed at the friends and family members who drove over to TMH at midnight to be there for his birth. That means so much to me.

Our Story

Josh and I got married February 27th, 2010. Those of you who know me know that I waited a very long time to find Mr. Right. I joke about it now and say that I had to wait for him to reach puberty and come of age to date him, lol! I am 4 and half years older than he is. Josh is everything I prayed for in a husband. He is patient, determined, loyal and sensitive.

We had the perfect wedding. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. We were surrounded by the people we loved and despite the cold weather, everything turned out just as we had planned. I had my dream wedding.

We both knew we wanted children. Being aware of my age and how long "they" say it takes to get pregnant the first time, we decided to try right away. Imagine our surprise when after one full month of being off the pill, I became pregnant! What was really exciting is that Josh's sister Kelley was six weeks pregnant when we became pregnant. How wonderful it would be to have cousins so close together... or so we thought.

I had the worst morning sickness throughout the entire 6 months I was pregnant. It wasn't just in the morning either. Anything and everything set me off with the nausea but everytime I'd go for an OB appointment and hear JD's heartbeat or see his little profile on the ultrasound machine, it made it all worth it. I don't know who was more overjoyed to find out at week 19 that we were going to have a beautiful baby boy. We knew right away his name was going to be Joshua David Register, Jr. Just looking at the US pics he already had his daddy's profile. We decided to call him JD.

Josh hung new drywall and painted JD's room a tan color. A friend from work gave me the sweetest western crib bedding set. My mom bought JD's crib and dresser. Josh put it all together the day she bought it. We were so excited. At week 24 mom and I went to Babies R Us and registered for baby supplies. Josh and I had signed up for childbirth classes. They were to begin in November. We made an appointment to have 4D pictures made of JD for November 5th. We were ready.

All we needed was for January 220th to arrive so that we could meet our sweet baby boy. Imagine our devastation when we went for a routine 25 week OB appointment and discovered there was no heartbeat. JD was gone.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

I decided to change the title of my blog. My best friend, "surrogate sister" called me the other day to tell me that her children were going to plant a lemon tree in JD's memory. She asked them why and my eldest nephew, Noah replied, "because Mom, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." How precious is that? I am sitting here trying to think about what to write and where to begin. I am blogging again for the first time in 10 months in hopes to help ease the pain I feel. I quit blogging when I got busy earlier in the year with planning my wedding and getting hooked on Facebook. I still enjoy Facebook but some of the stuff I plan to blog about is too personal to post on there.

Holy Cow...

Where has the time gone?!? I was looking at my blog and realized that I haven't written anything since early September! What a slacker. To be honest, its been crazy around here. Shortly after my last blog we welcomed Tucker Edward Clore into our family. Thomas Ralph Clore was proud to announce the birth of his baby brother on September 18, 2009. He weighed 7lbs 10 oz. He is a real cutey pie with a serious streak. He sort of goes with the flow as long as long as he's fed on time and has a clean bottom! That's not too much to ask. Thomas loves Tucker and makes him laugh at the drop of a hat.

Anyway, I love being an aunt and wish I had more time in the day to spend with them all.

The Little Things In Life

These days, it doesn't take much to get me excited. I was thinking about some of them at 1:15am this morning as I'm hacking my lungs up from one of those beginning of the year colds!
5 for $10 name brand cereal
cars that don't blow smoke out the muffler
not having enough dirty clothes to wash a full load of laundry tonight
making two meals tonight for dinner so that we don't cook tomorrow (notice I said, "we." My man is good!)
Spending the afternoon with my mom and nephew feeding ducks at Lake Ella (YEs, I did help feed ducks!)
There's plenty more but I think the coughing has subsided and I've got to get some sleep!

This Time Last Year...

This time last year I was on cloud nine because Josh told me he loved me. I was also confused and uncertain about the future and where that love would take me. This time last year I was slowly getting the hang of teaching 8 little friends with severe and profound disabilities. I came home exhausted but happy about their sweet enthusiasm.
Now... its that time, THIS year and I couldn't be more settled. Living in a double wide helping to care for my soon-to-be father-in-law.
...Knowing that at 5:15pm I can guarantee that the man of my dreams will be pulling into the yard from work. Anxously awaiting the birth of my third nephew. Taking in a roller coaster of emotions as I plan my very own wedding. Who'd of ever thought that!?! Time sure does fly and I'm trying to take in every minute and appreciate those little things in life!

An End To A Legend...

I've been living in denial for quite some time now. Reality hit me two Fridays ago. I was in the drive-thru at McDonalds when all of a sudden I hear a loud baboom as white smoke came swooshing out of my Honda CRV. I left the car at my parents' house and waited for the news. My step-dad called me and told me it was time to bury it. The compressor was bad, the radiator fan needed to be replaced, (not to mention he had just replaced the radiator a month before,)the transmission was skipping and the catalytic converter was well... we weren't sure when it was going to go but its been bad for over 5 years.(there were more issues but after 217,000 miles, who's complaining?) On August 28th, 2009, I said my final goodbye to my sweet ole Honda CRV. I tell you, I felt like I was giving a kid away. I even cried. I felt like a traitor driving home in my new 2009 Hyundai Santa Fe. Its been a whole week now and the grief is slowly going away. It helps that I have cold air coming out of the a/c vents and my driver side window rolls down with the press of a button. I'm blessed to have gotten a great interest rate and a reasonable payment.

Engagement Pics

Random Thoughts

Its 5:15am and I can't sleep because my sinuses are draining and I can't stop coughing. I decided to get up and blog so that poor Josh could get some sleep. I just took a Zyrtec and my nasal spray. Now I'm eating Wheat Thins and drinking Diet Mountain Dew. So much for my 3-day protein only diet! I figure if I continue to gain/lose the same 4 pounds I'll be ok. LOL!

Its hard to believe that I'll be Mrs. Joshua Register in less than eight months. While its got to be the scariest thing I've ever done, I definitely feel its apart of God's plan. The saying, "good things come to those who wait," is definitely true. Now don't get me wrong, the grass ain't always greener over on my side of the doublewide but it sure gets cut on a regular basis and I have unconditional love from a man who makes me feel like I'm a princess. Is it possible to grow more and more attracted to someone as time goes by? I guess I'm scared because of my past relationships, fear of being left alone and things I've seen happen in other people's relationships. ( I know that was so incredibly wordy, but hey... 5:20am!) Anyway, I just pray everyday and try to keep an open line of communication.

My friend Wendi's daughter will be going to school in St. Augustine in the fall. I am so excited for her. Wendi jokes and says she is me made over. While I'm honored, and I definitely see the similarities, I'd have to say Chellsea has a lot more spunk than I did at her age. Her self-confidence exudes her. Anyway, she told me the other day that her anxiety is building because of the unknown but she knows its all apart of God's plan for her. My advice to her was to enjoy every minute/opportunity she has and not to worry so much about the future. Gee... here's a thought... maybe I should take my own advice!

Well, I think the Zyrtec is kicking in. I'll blog later on. I have some wedding updates to share. Love, J

My Newest Nephew

Here are 3-D/4-D ultra sound pictures of Baby Tucker... that's what Thomas calls him. Poor kid... he'll be Baby Tucker even when he's 30. Anyway, he's already bigger than Thomas was at 27 weeks! Molly is huge. I told Thomas that Molly ate Baby Tucker and that's why she's so big. He looked at me very confused and asked, "Mamma, why you eat Baby Tucker?" In the first picture he's actually smiling. Molly said that after about 4 or 5 pics he got pissed and quit smiling. He's so big they had to poke and prod to get good pictures. I don't have a picture of the money shot, if you catch my drift, but lets just say... he and his brother will be no competition in the locker room!





Its funny how I've never even met this kid and yet I feel a connection. I am so excited about our newest edition. I can't believe all the love that surrounds me. Its overwhelming at times.

Change of Plans

We are getting married February 27, 2010 instead of April 3rd. Originally, I wanted to get married at a place called Bradley's Pond but they were booked for April 3rd. Apparently, everybody likes to get married in the spring. So, I decided to get married at the church I grew up in and have the reception at the Shriner's Club, just like my sister did. I set the April 3rd date not realizing that was Easter weekend. I thought that weekend would be perfect because it was the start of my spring break. When I called the church to find out when I could have the rehearsal they told me I couldn't because of Easter festivities going on that week. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I really wanted to get married at Bradleys. Soooo, after discussing all of this with Josh we decided to go with Bradley's. February 27th was the latest they had available before my spring break so we took it!

Wedding Plans

Here is the website for our wedding: http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/JanieTucker&JoshuaRegister. Its a work in progress so bear with me. Since I can remember, I've dreamed of having the perfect wedding. Now the time has come to plan and I'm a bit overwhelmed. I never knew there were so many shades of teal! It'll all come together.

Thank the Lord... We did it!

As I've mentioned before, Josh's dad Tiny had a stroke back in late February. It left his left side pretty weak. Before the stroke he weighed around 350 pounds. He is now under 300. He is able to walk using a walker but his left knee is bone to bone and sometimes it gives out on him... get the picture.

Anyway, he had some errands he needed to take care of today so I took him. Uncle Larry came by and helped me get him in the car and then we were off. We had to take care of some things at the bank. I prayed very hard that I'd be able to help him get back inside the car. I realize now that my CRV is quite narrow and doesn't accommodate tall people. Anyway, the Lord was looking down on us today and all was well. Tiny got in and out of the car all with little help from me and he didn't have to go to the bathroom while we were out!

As I'm blogging this, I'm reminded of the people I saw this weekend in Orlando. I went to the Family Cafe. Its a conference for families and caregivers of people with special needs. My heart went out to the families I saw with older children in wheelchairs. Of course I felt for the children too. A lady had to change a 12 or so year old girl on a changing table designed for a small child. There are times I get disheartened because we can't just pick up and go like most young couples can then I'm reminded that there is a reason for everything. And, just when I think I have it bad, I think back to when I lived alone in my house and how I knew something was missing but didn't know just what it was. Life isn't so bad afterall!

My Boys

This is a picture of Josh and his daddy May a year ago at Kelley's wedding. I sometimes have to laugh at how humorous life can be. My daddy died when I was 12. My whole life I wanted nothing more than to have a daddy. Now that I am marrying Josh not only am I getting a husband but I got a dad too. (Although, he's more like our son most of the time, lol!)I guess its a 2-4-1 deal.

Janie and Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day!

If you've ever read this book you'll understand the title of my blog. Its a cute book about a little guy named Alexander who has a very bad day. That was me, yesterday.

See, I took this class with our district called Level II Leadership program. It was a wonderful opportunity to learn about administration and the Florida Leadership Standards. As a culminating activity, each candidate was required to go through something called Targeted Selection. In a true TS, its an opportunity for school board administrators to interview candidates who are applying for a principal/assistant principal's position. It involves a team panel of "big wigs" who ask you questions about your leadership experiences. Then, as you are answering the questions, they critique you on your answers.

I had on my calendar that I was supposed to go through TS on Wednesday, June 10th. Guess what??? My interview was Tuesday, June 9th. I'm teaching Voluntary Pre-K this summer. So, our school secretary called me out of the cafeteria around 8:30am Tuesday morning and says, "Janie, the HR lady just called and said you are supposed to be in an interview right now." I gulped! Fortunately another teacher was going through the same interview and was dressed for the occasion. So, she switched times with me. I, on the other hand, was dressed in flip flops, shorts and a t-shirt. I had a pair of dress pants in my car that I needed to return to a friend. My principal told me to go and do whatever I needed to get ready. So, I made a mad dash to Wal-Mart bought a $7 pearl set, blouse, pantyhose and a $2.50 pair of heels. I have to say, I didn't look too shabby.

Unfortunately, I went in to the interview with a complex... I was embarrassed about switching up the days and I also didn't study enough (i.e. I thought I had one more day.) To top it off, my very first principal was also in the room. I have the utmost respect for him. Talk about nerves! I felt like I was on The American Idol. The first guy to ask me a question, let's call him Simon, was brass and told me right away, before I even had time to show any emotion, that if I was emotional to suck it up because they were about to lay it all out there. That of course caused me to turn a bright red. Then, once I began answering the question he says in a loud voice, "stop right there!" and critizes my answer. Needless to say, the waterworks began. I haven't been this humilated since I tried out for the flag corp in high school. The head HR lady was in the interview with me and she suggested we go get a drink of water. I'm telling you, if I could have, I would have ran far, far away but she encouraged me to go back and give it my best shot. To make a long story short, I survived. While it was painful, it was definitely a great learning experience. I'm thankful to have been apart of it. I also know that unless I start taking testosterone shots (that was my nice way of saying, "growing balls,") I have absolutely NO desire to become a principal.

I pretty much cried off and on the rest of the day. That evening I was thinking about things and realized that maybe it wasn't so much the interview as it was I had doubled up on my birth control pills because I had forgotten to take them the night before. I think I OD'd on hormones, lol! Geez Louise!

That night, Josh and I were able to go to dinner. I had a very large beer and a great dinner. So, at least the day ended on a good note!

Mother's Day 2009

We enjoyed a delicious meal at Marie Livingston's again this year. No, Molly didn't eat too much. She's preggo! Tucker Edward Clore will be making his debut mid September. We are thrilled!

Hey Blogger Fans... I'm back!

I'm the biggest slacker ever. I just realized that its been 2 whole months since I've blogged! I do have good excuses though. About a week after I last blogged, Josh's dad had a stroke. It did some serious damage to his left side. It took us a week to get the neurologist to realize the seriousness of the situation. Then he spent a week in the hospital being evaluated. Finally, he went to rehab and was there for about 2 months. During that time, we were back and forth visiting him and making sure that he was being cared for.

During all of this, I was slowly moving my stuff into Josh's house while he was remodeling a bedroom for me. He finished it Mid march. It looks fantastic. I'll have to post some pictures. I put my house on the market in April for rent. My renters moved in May 15th. So, between April and May, Josh worked hard to patch holes and move heavy furniture out of my house.

Josh's dad came home May 1st. He is doing remarkable but he can't be left alone and needs assistance getting in and out of bed.

May 13th, Josh and I celebrated a year being together. I can't believe where the time went. It feels like we've been together forever though. Its funny how one person can complete my life the way he does.

This past weekend we went to St. Augustine for our anniversary and JOsh proposed! I was shocked. I knew it was coming but I had no clue as to when or where. I'll post pictures of the proposal once I get them developed. My camara died so I had to buy a disposable one. I'm working on a wedding website. Once I get some more details, I'll send everyone the link.

I know most of you have already seen the picture of the ring but here it is again:

I have dreamed of this day and now that it is here, I am still in shock! I feel like a princess. Ok, enough with the mushy stuff...

I'm actually the queen of this double wide trailor! LOL! Seriously, there's so much to be done around here. Please pray that God gives me the calmness I need to not get overwhelmed by it all. Its not like the boxes are going to go anywhere. And as for the remodeling... well, all in good time!

Valentine's Day 2009

This had to be the best Valentine's Day ever. Not only did Josh buy me the most beautiful bouquet of roses, he brought them to me at work! I was sick as a dog with a double ear infection on Valentine's so Josh took care of me and even grilled me a steak, made twiced bake potatoes and a salad to die for. I am one lucky woman.
I had to laugh when I looked back at last years post about Valentine's Day. Here is a picture I posted:

Things sure have changed for me!

I Hate Embarq

You know, you'd think after transferring my phone number and internet as much as I do, it would be a piece of cake, right? WRONG!!! Talk about sending me over the edge, this time about did it. I transferred my phone service to Josh’s house the second of February so Embarq assigned me a new phone number. (That would be the 574 # that I text to everybody, first.) The phone service was supposed to be connected on Wednesday, February 11th. I get home and try to call the number and guess what??? The 574 # doesn’t work! Instead I have a 575#. (That would be the second number that I text to everybody!) On Thursday, I called and complained. By Friday, not only was my internet not up and running, I had no phone service at all!!! After spending 3 days on the phone with Embarq and expressing my extreme unhappiness they fixed the problem. Those of you who know me from my “partying” days, know that I am notorious for transposing numbers so I figured it was my fault for the confusion. This time, it wasn’t!

Lots and Lots of Updates

I know, I'm a slacker. Its been a whole month since I've blogged. This has been for a number of reasons. First because, I've been spending most of time at Josh's house and didn't get my internet transfered here until last Monday. I will post a nice long entry about that fiasco in a moment. Two, things are going pretty well with the move situation and I'm afraid that if I blog, I'll jinx it. I almost had a nervous breakdown (not really but you know what I mean...) at the beginning of the month when I transfered my cable and phone services to Josh's house. At first I thought it was because I felt like I was giving up my brand new house for an older house that wasn't even mine. Then as the week progressed and I actually shared my feelings with Josh, I realized it wasn't so much the physical/cosmetics of the whole deal but rather that I feared losing my independence by living with him. Josh has been soooo patient with me and I now realize that it doesn't matter if we live in a tent. What matters is that we are together. I think I've found a keeper. Which of course is another big adjustment. I'm used to being on my own, taking care of me and basically doing things on my own. Its taking some getting used to but I'm slowing adjusting to having someone there to help me and love me for me. (you know what I mean, someone besides my mother, lol!)

The House On 59 Chickat Trail

I think I've finally decided to put my house up for rent and move in with Josh. I'm going to list it with a realty company so that I don't have to deal with crazy rentors. Please pray that I can even find somebody to rent it and that they will take somewhat decent care of the place.

The other day I was thinking about this house and just how much I love it. I've been going back and forth about this move because for one, it was such a big deal for me to buy this place and two, its mine... (well, actually it belongs to Chase for 29 more years) but what I mean is, I decorated it to my likings, I picked it out, and well, you get the picture.

It didn't hit me until this morning while I was getting ready for work, that this house has served it purpose. When I bought it, I was at a point in my life where I thought I'd never get married and I needed to make some plans for the future and settle down. Buying this house made me feel like I had accomplished something. It helped fill some of the emptiness in my life. Unbeknown (spelling?) to me, the man of my dreams was living 27 miles away and I was teaching with his cousin!

After thinking about the purpose this house has served I started thinking about the other numerous places I've lived and despite how small or old they were I always seemed to make them feel homey.

Ironically today, Amber brought in this cd recording of her pastor's sermon from last Sunday. In it he talked about worldly possessions and how none of them really matters. What matters is loving God and being in His will. The pastor also talked about being with/doing things for the people you love. That made me think of Josh. I truly love him and I feel at home when I'm at his house. I can decorate his house and make it just as homey as my house on 59 Chickat Trail.

Now that I've blogged my guts out about this matter, please pray that I don't have a panic attack and change my mind,lol!

I pity the day when...

my nephew Thomas plays team sports. Tonight I went out in the freezing cold to watch Noah, my oldest nephew play soccer. He is really good at it, by the way. Anyway, this bigger kid on the other team kept elbowing the players on Noah's team when they came in contact with the ball. I don't know much about sports but I do know that in soccer you are NOT supposed to touch the players. The coach from Noah's team discussed this with the refs at half time and they just laughed and shrugged it off. I'm not quite sure what came over me but when I saw the kid elbow Noah I jumped up and yelled as loud as I could, "get your hands off of him." It was sheer divine intervention that I didn't curse b/c those of you who know me, know that I have the mouth of a sailor. It was sort of funny the way it all happened because I didn't even think twice. I just instinctually yelled. I have a feeling I'm going to be the mom that's banned from the field!

Family Pic

Here is a picture we took on Christmas day. Again... bittersweet... bitter without my daddy, but ever so sweet because of Josh, Eric and Thomas. Anyway, I love this picture. I just notice that I think both Eric and Josh's eyes are closed. Too funny!

Hunting 101

I forgot to blog about my hunting experience back in November. While it was great to spend the day with Josh, let's just say I've decided that is his thing and from now on, we will leave it at that. He can hunt and I'll shop.

In case you ever decide to go hunting here are a few things I learned from my short lived experience...
1. take a bucket and a tarp in case you have to go potty (I'm not talking about peeing, if you catch my drift.)
2. take along a cell phone, books, magazines and/or a laptop (you will sit for hours!)
3. bring a lot of snacks (just incase the dogs get lost and you have to wait around to find them)

It ended up pouring down rain that afternoon and the only thing we saw was an 8 foot gator! I think Josh planned that so that I would never want to go with him again, lol! He asks me from time to time with a big grin on his face if I want to go and I politely tell him "h*!l no"

Christmas 2008

This Christmas was bittersweet. It marked the 20th anniversary (if that's the correct wording) of my daddy's death. It was also my first Christmas with Josh. He bought a beautiful diamond necklace along with some other things. He also gave me a card that he wrote a sweet message inside of. I sound shallow talking about the gifts. It wasn't the gifts that made it so special it was him being there. He helped me decorate my Christmas tree. He made gingerbread cookies for my kiddos at school. He also met my mom's side of the family and lived to tell about it! I'm not sure how I got so lucky to find such a good guy but I did. I've never had anyone treat me so good or make me feel the way he does. Maybe that's why this Christmas was so bittersweet. My sister said she sort of felt the same way this year. Life is going really well. So well that its scary. I know I can't live life in fear of what tomorrow will bring but its so hard not to. There were times this holiday season that I cried for no apparent reason. Looking back I think it was the fear of losing something so wonderful. Poor Josh, he's a trooper. I hope that I get better about this in time.

This is my favorite picture so far. It was taken on Christmas Eve. I'm not sure why Josh looks so red. He's not really!

Updates

I haven't blogged about anything serious in quite a while. The funny thing is I have a ton to blog about but am unsure how to put it all in words. Where to begin... Thanksgiving weekend Josh asked me about moving in with him. While I'm excited about this I am also scared as hell. First of all, I've been on my own for quite a while now. I love spending time with Josh but I also like that when I need a break I can go back to my house. Then there's the fact that there is no way I can sell my house with the way the market is right now. I think I can rent it out but my fear is that I can't. And if I can't, I can't afford to help Josh with his mortgage. (He laughed when I told him that and said that I'd be investing in our future by continuing to pay on my mortgage and not to worry about that.) However, my pride continues to get in the way...

On a positive note, its funny how comfortable I feel at his house. Its warm and you can tell that its seen alot of love over the years. It does need some cosmetic surgery but I think I can handle that. The house used to belong to his mom and dad so it's still decorated exactly the way his mom left it before she died. I explained to Josh that I feel like I'd be imposing if I came in and redecorated. He said he thought his mom would appreciate me changing things. We shall see... I've been doing things little by little. My plan is to wait until hunting season is over to make any major decisions about renting my place out and/or encouraging Josh to fix his place up.

One of my biggest fears about moving was lifted tonight at dinner. I was so afraid to talk to my mom about moving. I don't know why. I guess I was afraid I would disappoint her. This move would mean me moving 25 miles away from her and me giving up a house I worked so hard to get. My step-dad jokingly said to me tonight, "isn't about time for you to sell your house? You're never there." I casually mentioned that I didn't have enough equity in it but had thought about renting it out. My mom didn't even looked shocked. She said that would be a good idea until the market got better. I said I was scared to rent it out though for fear that things wouldn't work out between me and Josh and I'd be homeless. She rolled her eyes and said that I'd always have a place to live. So, now that I have her blessing, I feel much better.

While I love my house and am extremely grateful to have it, its just that... a house. It feels empty. When I'm at Josh's I feel warm. Not to mention the fact that I'm 12 minutes away from Osaka's, my favorite sushi restaurant!

Bottom line... I'm going to keep praying about it. We will see what the future holds.

Pet Peeves

I've been pondering this list for quite some time now and thought I'd share my list of pet peeves...
1. "fun size" candy bars: I mean really, come on... you have to eat the whole damn bag to make it count.
2. people who ask you how you are doing and don't wait for an answer
3. automated telephone services
4. those little napkin kits with the spork, salt and pepper. The napkin is rediculous!

January 1st, 2009

So, I started my diet December 31st 2007, and by June 15th 2008, I lost 50 pounds. I've managed to maintain that 50 pound loss give or take a few by some miraculous efforts. So, my plan is to start completely over to lose those last 20 pounds beginning January 1st 2009. This means, no more beer on Friday nights, no Twizzlers on Sunday afternoon, and for heaven's sake, no more Sonic grilled cheeses! I've got to get my fat behind back in gear with my running. I got sick a few weeks ago and since then I have found every excuse in the book not to exercise. No more excuses! I've got to do it for my health. I'm blogging this in hopes to keep myself accountable. We shall see. My prayer is that by my 33rd birthday I will be 140. That is not unreasonable.

Happy Thanksgiving 2008!

I can't express how blessed and thankful I am for all that I have. While its an overjoyous experience, its also a worrysome, scary feeling all at the same time. I'm not even going to address that right now. Those of you who know me, know where I'm coming from with all of this. I guess all I can do is pray, thank God for what I have and ask that He keep everybody safe during this holiday season.

Yesterday was great. We spent the morning at Josh's sister's house for his family's Thanksgiving celebration. Kelley took the picture I posted. Thanks, girl! Afterwards, we went to my sister's house for Thanksgiving with my family.

I didn't get up this morning and shop. I have a terrible cough that I can't get rid of. I feel fine except for this cough that keeps me up all night. Not sure what to do about it. I've tried Mucinex, Robitussin, etc. I'm one step from trying a shot of whiskey with honey!

I'm supposed to go hunting tomorrow so I have to get better! This will be my first experience. I've been woods ridin' and helped spot during bow season but this will be my first experience with dogs and rifles. We shall see! Poor Josh, with working otu of town and trying to spend time with me, he hasn't had much time hunting. I'm hoping he gets a big buck this season. Well, that's about it. Love, J

Thanks Aunt Sharon!

My Aunt Sharon sent me some old pictures from back in the day. Here are a few of them. It was really sweet of her and it brought back great memories...


Happy Birthday Cuz Erica!


Me with My Aunt Sharon


My Parents on Their Wedding Day... don't think I'll ever be fittin' into that dress!


The Last Time I Wore a Bikini...


Happy Halloween 1986

On Being Thankful

I'm stealing this quote from Trish's blog. "Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never ever have enough." I'm thankful for this quote. It couldn't have come at a better time.

I love Josh. I love him so much my heart actually aches when I'm not around him. (don't puke and no, I'm not smokin' dope) He's been working in Fort Walton Beach for the past month. We talk every night on the phone and we spend pretty much the whole weekend together but when he leaves on Monday mornings to go out of town, I cry. Its the strangest thing. At first, I think I was worried he would get over there and realize how much he misses his free time (you know, before we got together), now I think its because I worry that he's going to get hurt or worse. Is this normal? My sister says it is, but then again we both come from the same family. We're a couple of kiddos who lost our daddy when we were 12 and 8.

Will it ever get easier? I need to be thankful for what I've got and enjoy it all I can.

Halloween 2008

Here is a picture of me with my two favorite men on halloween!

City Girl Gone Country

Yep, that's me... this weekend I went "woods-ridin." This would be Josh's idea of spending time with me while still having the chance to go hunting. Romantic... I know. LOL! I figure hey, it kept me from racking up my credit card at the mall and I got to spend time with my man. Of course, my dumb behind didn't think about the logistics behind, "woods-ridin" and brought along a 32oz Big Gulp of Diet Coke! Guess what?!? There are no port-o-lets in the Appalachicola National Forest. Those of you who know me, know what a prissy missy I can be. I have a hard enough time peeing in public restrooms for fear that someone will hear me! There was no stoppin' this Big Gulp from comin' out of me, though. So, Josh pulled off the road and I walked down into the woods and yep, I peed behind a tree. I'm proud of myself too. I only peed a little bit on the bottom of my jeans. All I can say is thank God I've lost weight b/c there is no way in hell I could have squatted like that at 200 pounds!

6 months ago today...

I met the most wonderful man in the world. We met at Applebee's on Capital Circle and talked for nearly three hours! I was hooked, but scared. Three weeks later, he told me he really liked me and wanted to be more than friends. Four months into the relationship he told me he loved me. Now, its been six wonderful months. Its hard to believe that one person can make you feel so amazing.

I still haven't gotten my flowers, but from what I've heard from some friends is that those usually come after he's done something wrong, lol! I'm learning those things just aren't important. What is important is asking if he can help me when I'm sick, holding me when I'm crying for absolutely no reason, and calling me when he says he'll call.

Its funny too, because when I first met him, I thought he was ok looking, but now, after six months, I think he's the sexiest, most handsome man ever. Everytime I see him I think he looks better and better!

I'm learning to overcome fears and self-confidence issues through this whole process. Before Josh, I had built a wall around myself. I only allowed people to see limited parts of who I was. I was fearful of losing people I loved so there was no way I would ever let a man get close to me. That wall is slowly crumbling. I'm realizing that life is so much richer when you let people in. Yep, its still pretty scary but the rewards are so much greater.

Its true what they say about absence making the heart grow fonder. Josh is in Fort Walton Beach working for the next month and a half. Fortunately, he comes home on the weekends. I miss him so much.

As far as marriage and children are concerned... I don't know what the future holds. We've talked about both but there are some financial things we both need to work out. Josh also has some family obligations (no ex-wives or kiddos) that have to be taken care of. There are days when I think I'm ready for marriage and babies and then there are days when I feel like I have it good right now. I have my own house, he has his... you catch my drift. Please pray for me. Pray that God will give me the peace I need to wait and hear His plan in all of this. Pray that if it is His will for us to be together it will happen.

Hmmm...

Why is it that I always feel like I have to be the best at everything? Why...Why... Why can't I be satisfied with the status quo? I have a good job that I actually love and I'm good at. I am thankful to have enough money to pay my bills but yet I feel like I need to do more. This is the first time in 10 years of teaching that I leave on time every afternoon without taking work home. Last fall, I applied to FSU's Educational Leadership program. This is an on-line program consisting of 8 classes that would allow me to go into administration upon completion of the program. I was supposed to take classes in the spring of 2008 but backed out. One, I don't know if I have what it takes to be somebody else's boss. Confrontations make me sick and I have a problem with wanting people to like me. So, I really didn't want to pay $1,000/class for something I may never use. I'm still paying on loans I took out for my teaching degree!

Anyway, I was asked to be apart of our district's leadership program. Its a two part process that is ideally intended for people who want to go into administration. My principal recommended me for part one last year. She kept encouraging me to go back to school. I am honored that she thought I had the capabilities to do so. This year, I'm taking level 2. I leave each meeting feeling pumped and wanting to take classes, but then once I get back into my everyday routine, I think about the added stress of taking classes. My new principal keeps putting me in these leadership positions as well. Again, I am thankful. I just hope that I do a good job.

So, I'm just not sure what to do. I love my life right now, but should I be thinking about the future and take these classes just in case?

The Fat Girl Inside of Me

Despite losing 50 pounds since January 2008, I still see myself as a fat girl. (hope that's not offensive to anyone) Don't get me wrong, I don't have an eating disorder or think of myself as unattractive. I was beautiful when I weighed in at 209 pounds. I just didn't have the confidence to let that beauty shine through. Anyway, the point to this entry... There are times when I say things like, "I have to watch myself around that icing," or "I need to get my fat butt off the couch and exercise." I think by saying those things, I've offended some people, especially those people who didn't know me before the weightloss. Comments like that aren't made to poke fun at other people nor am I trying to draw attention to the fact that I have lost 50 pounds. Instead, its my way of keeping myself in check. Furthermore, I will always be able to relate to being overweight. I will always have to watch what I eat. I will always have to exercise. As long as I'm aware of these things, I think I will have a better grasp on keeping my weight down!

Josh's Granny's 91st Birthday Party

Josh's family have big get togethers for birthdays. There were 5 people's birthday to celebrate in October. I got to meet Josh's 91 year old grandmother. I sure hope I look that good at 91! Here are some pics. I had a great time on the lake with everybody. I feel pretty much at home with all of them.