While I'm waiting on my self-tanner to dry, I thought I'd update my blog. Well, Molly and Eric have an official date for Thomas' delivery date. (That sounds like he's being sent UPS...) Anyway, due to a lack of private rooms, my sister has agreed to wait and be induced Monday night. If Thomas doesn't arrive within 12 hours of labor, Molly will have a c-section. I don't know much about having babies but as much difficulty as she's had already, I'd go ahead and vote for the c-section. I don't think I'd want to labor for 12 hours. I won't be able to be there for his birth but I'm going over Thursday, March 1st and stay until Sunday. That way I can get in alot of 'Thomas time' (oh Lord, I already sound like a dork!)

As I wait, my anxiety is building. Of course it could be the combination of many things. One, I'm down to 37.5 mg on my anti-anxiety meds. I'm trying to get off of it and see if I can make it with exercise and therapy. If I can't I'll try something new. Recent studies have found that the one I'm on is linked to liver damage. I think its linked to me being tired and hungry all of the time, too (hence the weight gain???). Of course the quack of a doctor I saw last month said that could be depression. Trust me, I definitely know what depression feels like and this ain't it!

I also realized that I had a huge cup of diet coke with breakfast this morning. That's my next goal... to cut the diet coke. I swear I'm addicted. Do they have AA for that? If I don't drink it I get nauseated and a headache. If I drink too much, I get the jitters and clumsy.

Finally, there's the fact that I'm presenting at TCC this afternoon with my co-teacher, Amber. We are presenting on 'The Art of Co-Teaching.' Can you believe it? I tried co-teaching two years ago and could NOT do it. I absolutely adore the person I taught with, but I had my own issues (another saga for another day), and it just didnt' work. I also didn't give it enough time either. Anyway, Amber and I work pretty well together and that's what our topic is on.

Well, I've got to finish getting ready. Take Care! J

For the first time in a long time...

You know what? For the first time in a long time I am happy. Not in a crazy, living life half drunk happy. Nope, this is the I-have-300 dollars-left in my checking account till payday, oh God please don't let anything break-happy! You know what I mean. I am satisfied with me. When I look in the mirror, I see a beautiful successful woman who is encouraged about her future. Being married with kids or having lots of money or owning a big home isn't going to determine who I am anymore. (Which is a good thing, since I don't have any of those things, lol.) No, my doctor hasn't upped my meds, I'm just at peace. Its funny, because I'm starting to notice things like birds chirping, the fresh smell of clean clothes, and how beautiful my mother looks when she talks about the upcoming arrival of her first grandson.

Which, by the way, the doctor is planning on inducing Molly next Sunday evening, unless the baby decides to come sooner. Please keep her and Eric in your prayers. Molly is scared out of her mind. Can you blame her? Everytime I think about what she's about to do, my stomach hurts. I called her last Wednesday and she was cleaning her kitchen. For those of you who know my sister, you know that she doesn't clean, so this was a shocker. I think she's nesting. Her contractions are 10 minutes apart, so anyday now!!! I will be posting pictures as soon as Thomas graces us with his presence.

As for Jenny Craig, I'm still going strong. I'm only down 10 and half pounds, but I swear I'm losing inches. Clothes I haven't worn since West Palm Beach are actually fitting. I have more energy. Yes, energy. I've been able to jog for 20 minutes straight and I wasn't running from the police. Can you believe it? Well, I'm off to the gym. Write me back and tell me what's going on in your neck of the woods. Love you, J

Internet dating and bungee jumping

You know, I swear that going on an internet dating site is alot like bungee jumping without the proper gear on. NEED I SAY MORE??? Luckily this time I haven't had any bites, but I just got finished looking at the site and asking my self why in the hell did I pay $60 for this? I swear when you are contemplating joining they have a menu of great looking guys with decent jobs all of whom appreciate a variety of women. I'm beginning to think they hire these men for purely advertising purposes because now that I'm a member all of those guys have been replaced with country bumpkins, men who still live with their mommas, or have 5 kids! At first I thought, "Well maybe its where you are looking." So, I plugged in other zipcodes at random. More wierdos! Now, before anybody gets pissed reading this because they found their husband on the internet, I'm not saying they are all wierdos, so don't take it personally. Lord, this is exhausting. For $60 bucks I could have at least gotten a great looking tattoo!

What is Jenny Craig?

As I sit here enjoying my Jenny Craig cuisine I am reminded of an entry I've been wanting to write for a couple of weeks now. As you all know I HATE doctors. There are two types of people in this world who intimidate me, one group is lawyers and the other is doctors. While in my head I know that I am just as good as they are, in my heart there is this twinge of intimidation that I haven't worked through just yet. So, I muster up the courage to make an appointment for a physical. When I call, I specifically ask if I can get a physical and discuss my meds. "Why yes Miss Tucker, but you will have to wait until January 16th." "Not a problem," I say. So, on January 16th, heart pounding, palms sweaty, I gather my meds, vitamins included and go to my appointment. (I was sure to brush my teeth, wear my best drawers AND I shaved my legs!) After sitting for what seems like an eternity, I actually meet the doctor. She shakes my hand and says with a German/Swedish-I'm-not- from- America- accent (not trying to be racist just setting the stage), "What are we doing today?" So, I tell her. She huffs and says, "What?!! I can't give you a physical AND go over your meds in one visit. I have 7 other patients to see after your visit and they all have issues just like you do. I'd be here till 8:30pm tonight if I did all of what your asking." At this point I am taken back and start to get up and leave, but I figure I've paid my $15 and she's holding the prescription pad. I also decide that I do NOT need a physical from this brute of a woman. So we talk about my meds. She looks at my labs from October and asks me if I realized that I was borderline diabetic. WHAT?!! I mean I know I'm fat, I'm not stupid but when I called about my results they said everything looked normal. She tells me that if I lose weight I probably wouldn't get diabetes. You think? So, I tell her that I am trying to lose weight (the story of my life!) by going to Jenny Craig. She smirks and says, again in her German-Swedish accent, "What is this Jenny Craig?" So I tell her. She says, "I personally don't believe in diets. You should be able to do this by just eating sensibly. " Well, Hells Bells, if I'd of known that I wouldn't be fat, now would I? She then goes on to ask me how to spell Jenny Craig and what happens when I go off the diet? Yadda Yadda Yadda. Lord, the more I type this the angrier I get. So, I leave her office more determined to lose weight because of her third degree about Jenny. Can I just say, that I've researched weight loss plans. Hell, I've tried just about all of them. I read everything I can get my hands on. This plan works! Oh, sorry, I digressed. So the next day, I'm at work and tell my co-teacher about this doctor. About that time another teacher's daughter (who is 4!), walks in and here's me say Jenny Craig. She says, "Miss Janie, Jenny Craig, its what makes you lose weight." Now tell me, do you need a PhD for that?

I am the girl who...

Hi Friends! I hope everybody is staying warm and dry. Things are going well here. I am still happy where I live, I like my job and all is well. If you remember from a previous entry I told you that my niece and nephew (Jes' kids) bought me TKD lessons for Christmas. Well, tonight was my first and LAST class. I did fine until the instructor paired me up with this country bumkin from the sticks. He had been to a few more classes than me so he thought he knew everything. So, he felt it was his duty to teach me. Unfortunately, he didn't have a teaching degree and sucked. He mumbled and couldn't explain himself properly. I know I internalized the situation but all these bad memories came flooding through my mind and I was on the verge of tears, so I left. Yep, I left 15 minutes before the class was over. I started thinking about things like the time I tried out for the flag corp in high school, learning to line dance for the Miss Wakulla Pageant, playing softball for the church and cheerleading for the rec park in 6th grade (what a joke that was!) I was also upset because I knew before going that I am NOT coordinated and shouldn't be there. But I thought I'd be optimistic and try something new, have an open-mind. Bull- I am NOT coordinated and that is ok by me. I have just recently learned to drink water while walking on the treadmill. I am the girl who enjoys writing, scrapbooking, shopping, etc.

I stopped by my mom's after I left the class knowing that if I told her what I had done, she'd get onto me for being hard on myself and leaving the class early. I still needed to talk to her. Yep, she got onto me. She said, "What do you tell your kids when they have trouble learning a new task?" Its different, I think. Them learning to go potty or how to walk doesn't affect whether other people win or lose.

I'm proud of myself because my first instinct was to stop by McDonalds and get a cheeseburger Happy Meal, but I didn't. Instead I'm going to go eat my yummy Jenny Craig meal. First I need to scrub my feet. I had to work barefoot on plastic mats at TKD. Can someone say, "There's a Fungus Among Us?"

Whew, I feel a bit better. I hope everyone is doing good! Love, J

Dating, Weddings, Babies...

(Me and Molly at her shower. 1/13/07)

You get the picture! I guess things aren't necessarily done in that order these days, but for me, I'd like to believe that would be the order. So, I've signed up on Match.com...AGAIN. I swore I wouldn't do it again, but I'm lonely and I'd like to have a date or two. Don't worry, I'm not settling. If its not in God's plan for me to marry, then I'll be single, but until He Fedex's me a note telling me to stop trying, I've got to meet some men! I sure don't meet them in my line of work and generally on the rare occasions when I do go out, I find men only wanting booty calls. I'm too old for that and besides, its just not safe. I was going to wait until I lost a bunch of weight but you know, that may never happen so I've got to start living.

This isn't a "feel sorry for me" entry, I just felt like writing about it. I guess because we gave Molly (my sister) a baby shower this weekend or it could be because I went wedding shopping with a friend who's getting married in July. Another friend of mine, Maggie is getting married in May to her high school sweetheart. What are the chances that two people go their separate ways only to reconnect after 10 years?!! I am thrilled for them. She has asked me to be her maid of honor and I couldn't be more happy about it. I'm even more honored because its a VERY small wedding and I'm included on the list to invite. My nephew is due the first week of March, but my sister is getting so big, that her doctor thinks that he may take the baby around the 15th of February. I am so excited! I plan to spoil him rotten. (within limits of course) Molly looks so beautiful but I swear if somebody put a pin in her she'd pop! She's having trouble breathing because her belly is so big.

You know, my therapist asked me the other day if I was jealous because my sister is having a baby and my friends are getting married. I don't think so. I'm really happy for them. Selfishly, I'm happy for me too because I get to celebrate in their joy. Yeah, I'm lonely at times, but I'm an optimist and I know that God just isn't finished grooming my man yet. He's going to have to be pretty special to deal with me!

Resilient

So the other day, after feeling like a leech glued to Maggie and L.R.'s couch (remember I was sick) I decided to stop being a slug and get up and go outside. It was about 11:30am on Thursday. Nice and sunny but still cool enough that one needed a jacket. I was only going to the mailbox and the trash bin so I figured I didn't need a jacket. The apartment complex parking lot was empty so I didn't bother to put a bra on. I was going to be quick right? (sorry, don't picture it, but as my friend Wendi would say, "I'm setting the stage.") Well, wouldn't you know it, the door locked behind me!!!! There I was, white as lightening, in flannel boxer shorts, an oversized pink FSU t-shirt, socks and my Nikes. No cell phone, no money, nothing! When I was a girl scout leader the first thing I taught my girls was to NEVER go anywhere without a cell phone! Not to mention the fact that my grandma is probably doing somersaults in her grave for me going out of the house without a bra. Well, I had to do something. So, I folded my arms over my chest and went to the neighbors' house and knocked. No answer. Damn, where were those college kids when you needed them. So, I went to the next house and knocked. A little old lady pulled the door open just enough to look out and say, "Can I help you?" I humbly explained my situation and asked if I could use the phone. Now, let me tell you. In Florida, especially where I was raised, you don't let strange people into your home. Not only did the lady let me in, but she offered me something to drink and let me sit in her warm living room until somebody could come and let me in. Now that's hospitality. Not to mention brave.

Oh, so the reason for the title of my entry, resilient. That's what Maggie called me when she got home. She said, " You sure are resilient." Yeah, I'm resilient all right, but WHY when things like that happen to me, do I cry? I cried when I called to ask for help. I had the best visit with Maggie but spent most of Thursday crying as I was preparing to leave. Its not like I won't see her again. I guess its my anxiety getting the best of me. I'm such a cry baby that I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to continue our friendship. You know, I've cried my whole life and I hate it. I feel weak and out of control. The funny thing is, if I see someone else crying I don't consider them weak or crazy. Well, that's about it for now. Just thought I'd get that off of my chest. Love you, Janie

Happy Holidays!

I hope everybody had a great Christmas and Happy New Year! My Christmas was uneventful, which if you know my family, this is a good thing. I enjoyed spending Christmas day with my mom, step-dad, grandma, aunt, uncle and cousins. My cousin Erica brought her two daughters over. The oldest one is 16 months and the baby is about 6 weeks old. They are adorable! I almost got baby fever. Remember I said, 'Almost.' It faded shortly after I realized that if I was holding the baby and keeping the 16 month old from climbing on the table I couldn't eat. My niece and nephew gave me a month's worth of tai kwon do lessons and the white suit that goes with it for Christmas. This should be a comical experience for everyone. I am NOT coordinated! I also got a new gameboy and other cool stuff.

I celebrated the New Year with a very dear friend of mine and her fiance in West Va. We went to a hibache restaurant for dinner. I barely made it up for New Years though, due to a nasty cold I've contracted. I'm quite pissed. I take a ton of preventative meds and still I get sick! Nevertheless, I am having a great time visiting them. I just pray that they don't catch my creeping crud. I've been sanitizing things like crazy. I love West Virginia. I love the people, the history and mountains. No snow this time. I was really hoping for some. I've done some shopping too. I don't know what it is but I always find great deals on clothes in my size here! Its a big girl's dream come true! Well, I should go. Take Care! J

So, I applied for this job at the pre-school where I work. They were hiring an ESE staffing specialist who would be housed at our pre-school. The person would concentrate on our pre-k and the Dick Howser center. (they get the ESE kiddos birth to 3). I interviewed quite well. I looked good too. (Thanks for the suit, Staci!) After all my hard work to prepare and look exceptionally professional, I didn't get the job.

You know what? It was a good experience and I'm glad I didn't get the job. Since August, I've been struggling with where I belong. I loved pre-k, but was overwhelmed with teaching 18 little friends with varying disabilities. The building we teach in is old and I'm sure infested with mold. The water is bad and we don't have enough help. I just thought I wasn't doing a good job. You know me, when the going gets tough, the tough tries to get out as fast as she can!

In November, through a partnership with Elder Care services, we were given a foster grandma. She is amazing! She sees things that sometimes my co-teacher and I overlook because we are so busy with day to day tasks. She also helps take the load off of us. (we still have to change stinky diapers though) My co-teacher is awesome too. She has helped me to see just how much we are teaching these kiddos. Its amazing how much they are doing for themselves. Melanie talked to another teacher, (something she wouldn't have done in August.) Dominick put his hands in glue. Will signed, "Go, bye," AND blew me a kiss! Lord, what was I thinking applying for that other job? I have finally found my nich! Now, I still come home dirty and tired. I don't have all the right answers nor do I claim to but I'm learning!

I'm creating a list of things I've learned so far while at pre-k. Here are some of them:
1. If a pre-schooler says they gotta go, YOU better go!
2. Its ok to cry at pre-school. Teachers can too!
3. Opening your own carton of chocolate milk IS a big deal.

I'll add more later! Love you, J

Part Two of Things You Shouldn't Skimp On

My aunt called after I wrote part one of this post and said I really should tell people my bra size on the internet. I told her, "Why lie? Its not like you can't see them!" I know what she meant. She's just has more class than I do. (Love you, Aunt Barbara!)

So, I got my January paycheck and went shopping. I decided to bite the bullet and go to Lane Bryant. I told the sales clerk, "Look, I teach preschoolers. I don't have time for my drawers to fall down to my knees all day. I'm a pretty decent size girl, but I don't have a butt. What do you suggest?" With a straight face, she suggested two types of underwear. I bought 10 pair! I told her if they didn't work to expect to see me back the next day to return them. Guess what... they stayed up! I also bought two bras. They came with these air pockets to put in them. You know what, they work! They actually help hold my ta-tas up. I look really good. I think it actually takes away from the rolls that my stomach creates. So, a little over $150 later, I have 10 new pair of drawers and two bras! I am a new woman.

Aahh... apartment living

Can I say that I absolutely LOVE my new apartment? It is tiny, but it is clean. There isn't any yard to play in, but there aren't any field rats either! Life got busy and I haven't updated in a while so here goes... I was really planning on waiting out life in the trailor until I found something to buy. I guess the straw that finally broke the camel's back was going without heat or air for the month of November. Let me tell you, if you've never lived in a mobile home you don't know what you're missing. When people tell you there's no insulation, there's no insulation! We had some nights back in November when it got down into the 20's! I am a well-insulated woman but I just couldn't take it. Family and friends were gracious to offer their homes but I don't like sleeping over at people houses. You're probably wondering why I didn't just pay to get it fixed. WELL, the DAMN thing was under "warranty." Unfortunately, the deadbeat who installed it kept putting me off and putting me off. I finally called the guy I'm owner-financing with and told him I couldn't deal with things any longer. He said that as soon as he got the place sold, he give me my down payment back. PRAISE GOD! He thinks he will have it sold by the end of January. Cross your fingers and toes! I'm just not sure what I want to buy so I decided to just rent for a while. For some, this is pissing away money. For me, its time to think. I tend to jump into things without thinking sometime. (you know, like buying a fixer-upper when I have no fixer-upper skills WHATSOEVER!)

So, back to my apartment, last night I heard this scurrying noise and panicked. Then I laughed. I paniced because I thought the rats were back. I laughed because I remembered I lived in an apartment and the scurrying was just my neighbors... humans.

This place is BRAND NEW. No one has lived here before. Its insulated. It has heat and air. Still no garden tub, but lets just say I'm not afraid of falling through the floor when I shower! I was even able to salvage my door bell from my old house and install it here. (am I crafty or what?) No weird smells or spider webs. Back at the trailor, Everytime I turned around I smelled something foul and prayed it wasn't a dead animal stuck in my ceiling. Well, that's about it. Take Care! J

My Merry Christmas Letter

I wrote this letter and sent it out with Christmas cards. In case I didn't put one in your Christmas card here is what it said...

Dear Family and Friends,
I hope this letter finds you safe and enjoying all that life throws at you. Let’s see , where to begin? Mom and Gene are doing good. Mom got a promotion with DCF. Gene works for Wakulla County Sheriff’s department and part time at Wal-mart. (Yes, Wakulla got a Wal-Mart!)

My sister and brother-in-law are expecting a baby. Thomas Ralph Clore is scheduled to make his grand entrance around the first of March. I can hardly wait! Molly and Eric are naming him Thomas after Eric’s father and Ralph after our dad. I love the symbolism behind the name. He’s the beginning of something really terrific for all of us.

As for me, I left Palm Beach County schools in March to move back to Wakulla County. I love d my job but was terribly homesick. I miss the great friends I made during my short stay and feel it was definitely worth the adventure. I purchased a half acre of land in Wakulla county that had an older mobile home on it. March-May was spent remodeling it. After six months of dealing with random catastrophes (i.e. a giant rat, a tree falling on my roof, and no heat or air during the month of November) I moved out. I am now renting a small BRAND NEW apartment in Crawfordville. Its cute and did I mention , free of rats?

I am teaching pre-k ESE children at Wakulla Education Center. Its hard work, but I’ve got the sweetest kids ever. I’m thinking about applying to FSU to begin work on an educational leadership degree in the fall. This degree will open more doors for me. I love teaching but retirement on a single teacher’s salary isn’t going to cut it! I turned 30 this May and still no sign of Mr. Right anywhere, so I have to be prepared.

I’m not the best with calling but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Call or visit when you can. I have a futon ! Oh yeah, one more thing Happy Holidays!
Love,
Janie

HI Friends! I hope everybody had a great Thanksgiving. My mom and I left Wakulla around 5am this morning and headed for LA to visit my sister and brother-in-law. Let me say, I amNOT a morning person. I thought I was going to die! It was worth the trip. I haven't been over since Katrina hit in 2005 so it was a shocker to see the leftover damage. One year later, people are still living in FEMA trailors, signs are blown out, and the trees on the interstate look like they were planted crooked. We haven't even seen where the real damage hit, so I can only imagine. My sister and brother-in-law almost have their house repaired but its been a slow process.

They took us down to the Quarter to eat at a restaurant called, 'Brennans.' We had to dress up to get in! Molly had made reservations and had asked if they would be serving lunch off the menu. They said yes. Imagine our surprise when we got there and all they were serving was breakfast! I didn't say anything but my mom and I looked at each other in confusion. Call me ungrateful, but we had not traveled six hours to eat poached eggs! Anyway, I opened my little narrow mind and called it a learning experience. I have forgotten how absolutely delicious food is here! We had the most amazing meal. The company was great too! We each had a three course meal. I got something called egg portuguese. I sure hope my Weight Watchers' leader isn't reading this. After we ate we hit a sale at KMart. It sucked so we went home. I took a 2 hour nap in a comfy recliner. By the time I woke up, it was time to eat again! So, we ventured out to an Asian Buffet. I can't believe I ate AGAIN!

My sister has a doppler so we got to hear Baby Thomas' heartbeat. I can't wait to meet this little guy. Molly looks so cute. For once, her belly sticks out farther than mine!

Molly has to work tomorrow. So, Mom and I plan to meet her for lunch and then do the casino. Yes, I know, we're real traditional kind of folks! I'm just too tired to venture out shopping. Besides, they serve FREE beer at the casino! Take Care! Love, J

Things You Shouldn't Skimp On

Ok, I've been dying to write about this. Some of you may think I'm getting a bit too personal or have totally gone over the edge but I just gotta do it. Growing up, my Grandma Tucker told me there were two things you should never skimp on. Now, for those of you who didn't have the pleasure of meeting my Grama T. you really missed out. She was a hardworking woman who gave her all. Despite her lack of book knowledge, she had the most wisdom of anybody I have ever met. (She also made me feel like I was the most beautiful, wonderfully made creature on this planet!) Sorry, I digressed... Anyway, she always told me, "Janie, there are two things you should never be cheap with. One is shoes and two is a good bra."

I've valued her words and kept them close to me for many years. There was a time, I have to admit that during college I bought cheap shoes just because they were cute. After nine years of teaching and gaining 50-60 pounds, I don't do cheap shoes ANYMORE!!!

As for bras, isn't that the truth? She'd say to me, "Janie, when your forty, you don't want your breasteses (yes, she said 'breasteses') to hang down to your belly button." Now, I've worn bras for the past 20 years. I've ventured from training all the way to a 44 C. Now we're getting personal! I've tried underwire, padded shoulder straps, lunch lady bras but I just can't find a bra that I really like! Once when I was in college, (remember the fen-fen days?), I wore a 36C and could wear Victoria Secret bras. Those were great but unfortunately, they don't make bras for the larger woman. So, if anybody can recommend a cute bra that actually holds my boobies up without using steel and straps that slide, let me know.

As I've aged with wisdom, I've decided to add to Grama's list. Two other things you don't skimp on are underwear and feminine products. I can't tell you the last time I've found a good pair of underwear. Who in their right mind can stand thongs? Who wants yarn going up their crack? then theres 'grannie panties.' They're great if you want the world to know what size and color drawers you have on everytime you bend over! I used to be a fan of Victoria Secrets' drawers but for some reason these days I notice they sag in the butt. You know what I mean. It looks like you took a dump and left it there. I bought these cute underwear from Hanes but after one wear the damn things end up under my butt cheeks instead of over them! (sorry, I know that's graphic.)

Another issue I've been dying to write about is femine protection products. Don't ever buy generics. Trust me, I've tried. You may as well use a corn cob for a tampon or cardboard for a pad.

So, if you've learned anything from this entry it should be this: don't skimp on shoes, bras, underwears or feminine protection products. Trust me on this! If I've offended anybody, I'm sorry but I've been dying to get this off my chest.

Just Checking In!

So, seriously, I should be up doing something but instead I'm here on the computer, procrastinating. Its just a beautiful day to do just that. My dog Missy is right here beside me procrastinating as well. I need to wash clothes, cook this organic meat I bought a couple of weeks ago before it goes bad, file, plan for my class, yadda yadda yadda. Instead I'm enjoying wasting time, with ok, maybe a twinge of guilt. Why, when we waste time do we feel guilty? Who knows?

My cousin had her baby this past Thursday. Its amazing how much the baby looks just like her big sister at that age. They are sooo cute together.

I'm going to visit my sister for Thanksgiving. I can't wait to see how big she's gotten. (She's pregnant, remember?) I went shopping the other night with some friends and found the coolest race track I want to buy my new nephew for Christmas. I should probably wait until he's born. We'll have so much fun with it. I can't wait for him to be born. I'm going to spoil him rotten. He's going to have his own toy box at my house and everything. (Am I a dork or what?)

The sweetest thing happened yesterday afternoon. I called my friend Maggie and she asked me if I wanted to pick out her colors for her wedding or should she go ahead and do it?I laughed and told her its her wedding and I'll just be there to support her. She said, "but you're my maid of honor. I want you to have a say." I was stunned. See, she isn't having a traditional wedding so I just figured she wasn't having a maid of honor. I was so overjoyed you'd think I'd have cried. Guess what? I didn't! I think the therapy is working!

You're probably thinking after reading this entry that I'm bi-polar, bouncing from one topic to the next. I'm not. Just catching you all up on things. Well, I really need to get busy. Take Care! Love, J

This time, I lost more than weight!

I thought some of you would appreciate this... You know how I'm on this Weight Loss kick with Weight Watchers. (12 pounds so far!) I normally go to the meetings here in Wakulla but on one particular occasion, my friend Jes and I decided we'd try a meeting up in town. You know, we wanted to see if they did anything different in the big city. Jessica and I took our seats on the back row and anxiously awaited to hear what the leader had to say. This leader informs us that we're going to get in groups and share. I don't know about you but I'm not one for "getting into groups and sharing" with complete strangers. Just as we were reluctantly about to get into our group my cell phone goes off. (I'm usually very careful about muting it but this one time I had not!) In an embarrassed panicked sort of way I managed to fumble through my purse and answered the phone. Jes and I hurried out of the meeting apologizing that I had an emergency and had to leave. Saved by the bell! Oh, but it gets better... We get down the road to do some shopping when I notice my wallet is missing. Guess where it was? Yep, at the Weight Watchers meeting! It had fallen out of my purse as I was fumbling for my phone. There's more... apparently, I don't have any kind of contact information in my wallet, you know like a phone number to call in case my wallet were to be found. What I did have was a check from my mother with HER information on it. So the Weight Watcher lady that found my wallet called my mom and told her they had found my wallet. To some this may be no big deal but if you know my mother you'd understand. Let's just say her anxiety is worse than mine! The good news is, honest people found my wallet, the bad news, I had to explain to my mother that I had lost my wallet. Yes, even at 30 years old, that still bothers me!

Happy Halloween

Have you ever felt like you had a hot air balloon on your shoulders for a head? That was me today. I think I'm allergic to something in my classroom b/c since school's started I've been in the doctor's office on a monthly basis for sinus trouble. I've been to the ENT too. I've had x-rays, but they can't find anything. GO FIGURE.

Today would have been alot of fun if I hadn't of gone from wanting to puke to wanting to stop my headache from hell. All our little friends came dressed so cute in their Halloween costumes. We had a parade around the school, stopping at various places to get candy. Afterwards, we had a party. It went off without a hitch. I am so grateful for all the parental support we got. The children had a good day. I have to admit it was a bit challenging trying to help Buzz Lightyear and the Fairytopia Princess go potty without peeing on their costumes but we did it! I was a red M&M. I've had that costume for 9 years! I wore it my first year teaching. It was alot looser back then.

I haven't made it to the gym this week and I have to admit I'm sort of bummed about it. I have had plently of time but just too sick to go. I managed not to gorge myself today so I shouldn't have gained anything. Hopefully tomorrow I can go. The doctor gave me steroid shot and I'm feeling pretty good.

Well, I should go. I' m tired and I think for the first time in 3 nights, I just might be able to sleep. TaKE cARE!

Put Your Big Girl Panties On and Deal With It!

How funny life is. I know that's probably not grammatically correct but who cares? I woke up this morning determined to wear my 'big girl panties' and deal with things. (Sorry, don't take that statement literally and you'll be fine!) I thanked God for my new furnace that heats my whole house and the electricity that allowed my alarm clock to go off so that I wouldn't be late for work. I got in my beat up ole Honda and drove the 3 miles to work, yes I said 3 miles and thanked Him for that. As I mopped up spilt milk, I had to laugh out loud at the fact that I make almost $40,ooo a year to wipe up spilt milk and play all day with people I truly love. I am truly blessed. I don't have money or a fancy car, but I have so many wonderful people in my life and for that I am grateful!

My Plan

So, my last entry was a real blagh fest. The whole time I typed it, I thought, "well Janie, what the hell are you going to do to fix things?" So here goes:
1. my weight, okay, Tammy, you don't have to write me a long sweet letter like the last time. I am beautiful. I know this, but when I can't breathe when I bend over to tie a kid's shoe, its time to take action. Rebecca, don't laugh, but I'm back on the weight loss train. This time its Weight Watchers. I actually feel in control. So far, I've lost 10 pounds in two weeks. Go me! I don't expect to lose that much from here on out but 1-2 pounds a week will suffice. I actually crave exercise. Is that sick or what?
2. my love life, I keep hearing people say, "when you're not looking it'll happen. So, I've decided to hell with it. No more internet dating, no more feeling lonely. I'm going to concentrate on me, have fun with my friends and see what happens.
3. my car, I can't buy a new one right now. Possibly in February or March. Until then, I will test drive a variety of cars, research prices on the internet and continue to improve my credit.
4. my home, currently I am doing an owner-financing deal. In June, I'll be able to get a loan from a bank and this place will officially be mine. At that point, I will put a big-ass FOR SALE sign out front and in the newspapers and get rid of this place. In the meantime, I am going to be looking for a NEW townhouse with minimal yard issues and trees that are firmly planted in the ground! Once I sell this dump, I will buy a new home.

So, that's my plan.

Keeping Up With the Jones'

Prologue... not sure if that is the right term, I have a friend of mine who says its setting the stage. Anyway, whatever it is, I started writing this entry on October 9th but put off finishing it because I wasn't sure what else to write. I also don't want people to think I'm a spoiled brat who isn't appreciative about what I have. Lord knows, I am! This entry isn't a feel sorry for me plea either. Just a girl expressing her thoughts...

Sh... sit real still. Can you hear it? Its the sound of silence. Why you ask? Well, its because my satellite is out of commission. You know the funny thing? I kind of like it without the t.v. If I didn't have a contract I think I'd have it turned off. Seriously, the power people came today to install a new pole and ironically now my satellite isn't getting a signal. It could be until Saturday before I get any t.v.! GASP!!! How will I ever survive? (By the way, I paid the bill, its not that)

Oh, before I write about my feature title, I should let you know that my sister is having a boy. We got the ultrasound photos last Wednesday and he is definitely a boy! Quite the gymnast too. He was standing on his head with his legs wide open for all the world to see his little manhood! Molly and Eric have decided to name him Thomas Ralph. He will be called Thomas or Tom. Thomas after Eric's dad and Ralph after our father. I know, not very popular names but its the sentiment behind them. Also, the placenta has reattached. Keep praying. Only 18 or so weeks to go. She's at 17 now.

While I'm so excited about this little guy I'm also worried. Shocker I know... me worry? Seriously, I'm afraid I won't get to bond with him because they live so far away. Also, I'll be the aunt he's not allowed to spend the night with because she lives with her dog in a trailor. We shall see...

Oh yeah, so the reason for my title. Its so funny how people compare themselves to others. One is never skinny enough, or lives in a nice neighborhood or drives a good enough car. Why are we like this? Why do I constantly compare myself to other people? I've been pondering this for a while now. Growing up, I always had to be the best. I had to make the best grades, look my best, etc. Funny, how despite the good experiences I have about growing up, those same memories are also contaminated with worries. If only I'd had meds and therapy back then! Now that I'm older there are times I am angered that despite having a master's degree as well as made several other accomplishments, all I have to show for it is a car with way tooooo many miles on it and a trailor that's so old that we're not really sure just what year it was made! There's a group of us that all graduated from college together. We call ourselves the 'London girls' because we all studied abroad one summer and became great friends. We try to see each other at least once a year. I love those girls. Of the six of us, though, I always feel less than, or not quite adequate. Crazy, I know but I do. They always seem to have it together. Most of them are married, with children. They all live in gorgeous homes, etc. Then there's my sister. Do you know how humiliating it is to call your baby sister to ask her if you can borrow her credit card because you don't have one of your own? Nevermind the fact that she's branch manager of a bank and drives a Lexus. I'm not a bad person. I work very hard for my money. In fact, I always seem to have at least two jobs. Why don't I have something to show for it?

Again, this isn't a pity parade for Janie. Maybe it is. I don't know. I've been harboring these feelings for some time now and felt the need to get them on paper. As I've mentioned before, I am grateful for the experiences in my life. The places I've been, the tasks I've accomplished, even my green CRV that I have to open the driver's side door when I'm in the drive-thru window b/c the window won't go down. So, why... why do I feel the need to be like everybody else? (I'm not asking for comments. Just questioning myself.)