To My Children...

Wow, just typing the title and I am overwhelmed with love and tears. Who'd have thought when Josh and I first started trying to have children back in March 2010 that in a little over a year and a half later, I'd have two children! Man, has my life changed. My priorities are different for sure. The way I love the people in my life is sure different from way back when. I am so thankful for my babies.

Dear JD,
Thank for making me a mom. Thank you for helping me to see life in a whole different light. While my heart hurts that you are not here with me on earth, I know that you are in heaven being well taken care of by alot of people who love you. I feel your presence everyday and for that, my sweet boy, I am grateful. I can't wait for your baby sister to get here so that I can tell her all about you.
Love,
Momma

Dear Jadie Kate,
In less than 52 days you should be here with us. I can't tell you how many days and nights I have prayed for your safe arrival. I am so thankful to your big brother who has been watching over you over the past 8 months. Please continue to grow and get stronger. I promise that I will do the very best I can to take care of you and love you. Both you and JD are so blessed to have a great daddy and so many people who love and care about you.
Love you,
Mommy

1st Baby Shower Since JD

So, I went to my first baby shower since JD, yesterday. Its funny how the body reacts to stress. I had to force myself to go. I layed around all morning battling a headache and fatigue. Both, I'm sure brought on by stressing over the baby shower. Nevertheless, I went and it was ok. I wonder if it was ok because I'm pregnant again or because she had a baby girl (baby came five weeks early, so she was at the shower, lol!) I don't know why it was ok. I don't care. I need to stop analyzing things and just live for the moment.

Of course as soon as I got home I broke out the doppler and listened to Jadie Kate's heartbeat. Thank God for that thing! Its the best investment we've made by far!

Alot of people said I would probably relax after I got past the 25 week mark. They were wrong! My anxiety is at an all time high. I am so thankful for the past 30 weeks but I still pray constantly for the next 8.5 weeks to hurry and come and leave my sweet baby girl alive for me to hold.

JD's First Birthday

Not sure why I'm lying here crying and pondering JD's first birthday. It's still about 6 weeks away! I guess it's the planner in me. If he were here with me in earth I'd already have a theme picked out. His birthday shirt would be ordered, etc. Instead,I'm trying to figure a way to have some sort of memorial for him without freaking people out. I want to do something to honor him & send thanks to friends & family who have supported us through this difficult time. Im just not sure what to do exactly. Maybe I'll take a picture of all the things people have given us & make a collage thank you card. I think I'm going to get some balloons to send to heaven too. October 13th is the Walk to Remember. I will definitely be there for that. I just want my sweet boy to know he is loved!

29 weeks and counting

I am so thankful for week 29 but I am also a basketcase. I'm constantly secondguessing myself. Jadie Kate's heartbeat continues to be strong but I'm always fearful when I don't feel her move. I also worry because I don't think her movements are as strong as they should be. Lord, please let 39 weeks come and allow us to deliver a healthy live baby girl!

Another Butterfly Earned Her Wings

Some friends of ours lost their sweet baby girl this past Tuesday. Katie Grace was 25 weeks. My heart aches for them. I really have no words to say. I just wish I could take their pain away. KG's momma called me yesterday and asked me to come over so we could talk. So I did. I hope she will call me anytime.

Praying, Praying, Praying

Tomorrow I go in for the one hour gestational diabetes test. Yuck! I am so nervous. I have waited until the last possible minute to have it done because I am so scared. I had this test done with JD on a Thursday and the next day, I found out he was gone. I know the test didn't do it, but the thought lingers in my mind. Fortunately, I have a doctor's appointment after the test so hopefully that will give me some reassurance. If not, I will just have to take another visit to triage!

Josh made another comment today about getting pregnant right away after Jadie Kate is born. Right now, all I can focus on is Jadie Kate. I am soooooooooooo thankful for her and all the prayers. I am thankful for my sweet JD and it melts my heart to know that my husband wants more children but right now, all I can do is think about the baby I am carrying right now. Selfish? Maybe...

I am counting down the days until her arrival. Besides wanting to marry Josh, I have never wanted something so badly in my whole life. I want to be a mom. I'm not sure that I have ever prayed so hard for something either. Well, its 11:40pm and 6:30am will be here before we know it...

Is This Your First?

I met my sister and some of our friends at the pool yesterday. We had a great time relaxing and watching all the kiddos swim. As I was leaving, Molly introduced me to this lady. Molly told her I was her sister and I was expecting a baby girl in early November. The lady congratulated me and asked me if this was my first. I normally don't lie but today I just couldn't do it. So I said yes. I wanted to say, yes, my first live child. Hopefully, she is my first live child. She is my first baby girl.

I felt sort of bad for lying. Like I was ignoring JD. I've been a hot mess these past few weeks and I just didn't want to get into my situation with a complete stranger. Molly called me later and told me that she explained what had happened to the lady. The funny thing is, the lady went onto to tell Molly that she too had lost a son and completely understood! Its funny, because I sort of got that vibe when I talking to the lady and she said, " I once had a son in late September..."

Our Sweet Baby Girl!

This past Tuesday we had 4D Ultra Sound pics taken of Miss Jadie Kate. I think they turned out pretty good for the most part. She didn't shoot any birds this time but she did cover her face alot and stick out her tongue. I can't wait to meet my feisty little princess in person!

I remember posting shortly after JD died about how my views on ultrasounds had changed. I used to enjoy getting them to see who he looked liked. This time around they are a part of the survival process of being pregnant (i.e. checking for fluid, movement, growth, etc.) I tried really hard at this appointment to be a "normal" mom and enjoy the 4D process. I studied her little chin and nose. I looked in awe at her sweet fingers and toes. It wasn't easy but I did it. I couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness because I never got to see my sweet boy in 4D. Even when he was born, I couldn't tell who he looked like because of the trauma to his face during his birth. In my mind, I picture him looking just like Josh. I will have to hold that memory close to me. I am so thankful I have what little pictures I do have of him. We know he had my daddy's long skinny fingers and Josh's feet. I believe he would have been a big boy. For a baby who supposedly stopped growing at 22 weeks, he weighed that of a 25 weeker.

I have decided that when I have those twinges of guilt/sadness for my perfect JD, I have to turn it around and enjoy every moment with Jadie Kate twice as much. Once for her and once for JD. I believe he understands. I truly believe my little butterfly is watching over us and keeping his baby sister safe so that she can help us with the hurt we feel over his loss.

As for Jadie Kate's ultra sound... apparently our spunky little girl is also the spitting image of her daddy! She has his nose, chin and feet. I could tell he was so proud looking at the pictures. I think as far as momma goes, our princess has my attitude and fiestiness! That's fine by me. She has long legs, arms and fingers. Jadie Kate is measuring within the normal limits for her age but she is in the 39th percentile. I'm trying not to worry. I figure she is part Register/Tucker. She will catch up, lol!

Found a Gray Hair

Is it any wonder that I found a gray hair today? By the time Jadie Kate arrives, I'm sure I will have a head full of gray hair, if I have any hair at all! While I was getting ready for work this morning I decided to check Jadie Kate's heart rate before I left. 105 was the highest I could get. I panicked and made a bee-line for my OB's office. The nurse told me to go straight to triage, so I did. By the time I was sent back to be checked out my blood pressure was 144/111. The CMA (I think that's the correct title) that took me back wanted to "reassure" me by checking Jadie Kate's HR herself. She says, "Now honey this usually doesn't pick up a HR unless you are at least 27 weeks, but we'll give it a try anyway." (Nevermind my blood pressure is already through the roof because I'm already freakin' out but I'm also only 25 weeks 5 days and I'm well over 200 pounds so common sense would tell you that the damn thing wasn't going to pick up her heart rate!) Of course, it didn't pick it up. A nurse came in about 5 minutes later and uses a regular doppler and finds her right away. I asked her what the HR is and she says, "Oh, this one doesn't tell the rate, but it sounds really good to me." All I could think was, "My God, I have died and gone to hell! And hell really is full of idiots!" She then tells me to lay on my side too see if my blood pressure goes down and wait for the on call OB to come have a look. We waited for about an hour and finally the nurse comes back and says that he said to go back to my OB's office and get an ultrasound because he is still in the middle of a delivery. So, Josh and I head back over to the OB's office and get an ultrasound. Praise God! Jadie Kate's heart rate was 157 and she was rolling all around and waving. The US tech showed us how JK is turning her body away from the doppler when she hears it so it muffles the heart rate! Only my child! I believe we are going to have our hands full. Thank the Lord she has her big brother up in heaven looking out for her! (She's doing somersaults in my belly as I'm typing!) 13 weeks to go!

25 weeks and counting!

I thought making it to the 25th week would bring me peace of mind. I guess, in a way, it did but on the other hand, there's still this lingering feeling that anything can happen. I know I need to let go and let God handle this. Being the control freak that I am, its quite difficult to do this.

I'm seriously thinking about going on medication after Jadie Kate is born. I'll wait and see if things get better but I have people tell me it won't. I'll just find more things to worry about.

We rented a doppler back in June and let me tell you, its the best $40 a month investment we could have made. Not only can you hear the heartbeat, but it tells you the beats per minute. I am also feeling her move more and more so that is reassuring as well.

I officially go back to work on August 11th. I've been spending a day or two here and there working in my classroom for the past couple of weeks though. There is so much to do to get ready. I'm anxious about that too. I'm not sure why. Its not like this is my first rodeo. I guess I just want November 3rd to be here so I can relax a little bit. Maybe going back to work will help the time go by faster.

Doctor McKinnie will induce me at 39 weeks if I want her to, so it looks like my due date will be October 27th. I'm all for it. Now, our next decision is whether or not to induce or go the C-section route. As of now, we really have no physical reason to go the C-section route. Mentally, I want one because I believe its the fastest, safest way to have my baby girl in my arms. We have 12+ weeks to decide, so in the meantime I am going to pray about it and see what happens. Jadie Kate seems to have a mind of her own, so she may very well make that decision for us, lol!

The emotions I feel these days are none like I've ever had before. Well, I guess I've had them, just not all at once. I am missing my JD, but comforted to know that he is still here in spirit. He reassures me daily by sending me a butterfly or some other sign. I have so much love for Josh these days. He is so patient with me and tries so hard. Good things really do come to those who wait, lol! Which makes me grateful that we have a forgiving God who despite some of the stupid things I've done in my life, He led me here to all of this happiness. Then, there is the excitement and out of control feelings I have for Jadie Kate. I am so thankful for the chance to possibly be a mom to a live, screaming baby. I guess all of these emotions explain why there are times I just burst into tears for no apparent reason, huh?

We Made It!

Yay! This past Thursday made 25 weeks with sweet Jadie Kate. The US tech is estimating she weighs 1 lb 10oz. That's 5oz more than JD. She is measuring on schedule and moving like crazy. While I am so relieved and excited, I can't help but still be cautious with my emotions. Thanks to everyone for the love and support.

I still haven't taken down JD's crib bedding. One day at a time, I guess. I have been really feeling guilty and missing him alot these days. I guess I'm mourning this time lost with him. I just hope he knows how much we love and want him to be apart of our lives.

I registered yesterday for some things for Jadie Kate. I remember registering for JD. I was so excited. I took my mom and my little list and had a great time scanning things. This time, I almost had to distance myself. It was as if I were performing a job on my list of things to do. It's not that important. What's important is having my baby girl here, with me, alive. When I was done registering, I rushed home and listened to the Doppler to make sure her heartbeat was strong.

Thank you God for one more week!

Scared, Hopeful, & Crazy

This Thursday, we will be 25 weeks pregnant with Jadie Kate. That's two days away. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions right now. I am hopeful that she lives but I can't also help but think that we could be saying goodbye. These days, when I feel out of control I bake, cakes mainly. Tonight I pulled a can of frosting from the cabinet and burst into tears when I read the label. Rainbow frosting. I didn't even think about it when I bought the frosting. So, here I am praying that this rainbow frosting is a good sign that everything is going to be ok with Jadie Kate. Call me crazy...

Nine months ago today, we found out our baby boy had no heartbeat. Nine months ago today, our world came crashing down. Nine months ago today, I seriously thought I was going to die with him. But here I am, nine months later, still alive, trying to make sense of my crazy world. I can honestly say I believe in prayer and I am eternally grateful for the prayers and support we have received from our family and friends.

I was looking at our wedding pictures the other day and had to laugh. I have changed so much since that day. I remember thinking how fat I was on my wedding day. I remember worrying that our guests would freeze and that the food would run out.

Then I look forward at my wedding pictures. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. I had everyone I loved (even those in Heaven) surrounding me on our special day. I was marrying the most wonderful man in the world and I truly felt like a princess. It's funny how things change your perspective.

I no longer worry about my weight or what people will think of my house. Perhaps I'm rambling, but today is a day for rambling. It's a day to remember how blessed I am and how truly thankful I am for what I have. Thank you, JD for helping me become the personI am today. Momma loves you!

Faith, Hope & Courage

That's the motto around the Register household these days.

I am currently 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Jadie Kate's heartbeat is strong and she appears to be measuring on time. I have plenty of amniotic fluid and as far as the doctors can tell, the placenta appears to be healthy. My TSH is within normal limits and my thyroid antibodies aren't nearly as elevated as they were with JD. TMI for the common reader I suppose, but putting it down in word, gives me a visual to look at, to give me that HOPE I am looking for.

I've met alot of wonderful people along my journey. As I approach the 25 week mark (16 days to go!)I am comforted to know family, friends and even people I don't even know are praying for us. Because of this I have the COURAGE to continue on my journey.

As for FAITH, I have put my faith in God. I pray without ceasing. I am so thankful for this second chance. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up at 4am and prayed.

I put a post on Facebook the other day about being nauseated. It wasn't pregnancy related nausea, but of course someone assumed it was. (I know when I put things on Facebook, I open myself up to unwanted comments, so I shouldn't get annoyed.) Some lady commented that I needed to praise God in the midst of my nausea. I wanted to tell her a few things but instead I'm venting here. There isn't an hour in the day that goes by that I don't thank God for what I have!

I try really hard to practice my new motto but with each week and each doctor's appointment, I feel like its going to be my last. I caught myself looking at micro preemie clothing the other day,so that if something happens like last time, I won't have to have my friends run out in a hurry and get something.

I am itching to register for my baby showers but I am fearful that if I do, something bad will happen. I felt like a sneak the other day when I went online and started a registry. I'm going to wait until week 30 or so and go into the store to do it.

On a lighter note, we got to have a 4D ultra sound of Miss Priss today. She is already shooting birds! That figures...

Ramblings of a Crazy Baby Loss Momma/Rainbow Momma To Be...

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions these days. There's this part of me that still mourns JD. Then, one part of me is elated with joy to be expecting Jadie-Kate. Finally, there's this other part of me who fears losing her too. Poor Josh... he tries so hard to help me with it all but I feel bad for him.

People have already began giving me things for the new baby. Its bittersweet. I am grateful that people are validating my sweet baby girl but I'm also fearful that she won't make it.

While I want to re-paint and pick out new bedding, I'm also scared.

I broke down and rented a doppler. This one tells the heartbeats per minute. I've had it for three days now. It seems to help a little bit.

We went to a cookout last night. There were about 3 or 4 first time preggo women there. I wanted to run when I noticed them. I guess I wasn't expecting them. There are so many of our friends who are pregnant right now. I am happy for them and pray that everything goes well, but its hard for me to be around them. Call me selfish, but I don't want to hear about their heartburn, sleepless nights or cravings. I don't want them asking me about those things either. As I said in an earlier post, I want to crawl in a cave and hibernate until I have my live, healthy baby girl in my arms.

Its funny too because they were all talking about how they wanted to keep their baby's safe inside them for as long as possible, even it meant going past 40 weeks! I just sat there in silence. I don't feel like my baby is safe. I don't trust my body to take care of her. I want her OUT as soon as she is considered full term. The sooner, the better.

I didn't realize just how emotionally draining "faking it," can be. Josh is patient with me but I don't think he really understands when I say I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go. People are so well-meaning, they are always asking me how I'm doing. If I don't feel comfortable telling them the truth, I usually just smile and say, "good." No one, especially not other expecting mothers, want to know that I wake up in a panic at 1:00am in the morning praying for a healthy placenta or that when I'm driving down the road to an OB appointment I am crying in fear that it will be my last appointment.

I try really hard to see God's purpose/plan for losing JD and I think I understand. Because of JD, I appreciate things I didn't before. I take time to smell the roses and just sit and chat. Because of my sweet butterfly, I hope to be a better mother to Jadie-Kate, but for some reason, I was so angry last night. Angry that because of my loss, I am fearful of losing my precious baby girl. Angry because I am already looking at urns and preemie outfits for her (morbid and sick, I know!) Last night I just broke down. I was sick to my stomach and had a horrible headache from crying so hard that finally I just prayed, "LORD, I give up! I am putting this in your hands!" (something I should have done a LONG time ago!)

I am thankful for my firstborn son and hopeful for my secondborn baby girl. 23 weeks to go!

17 weeks 3 days

The 12 week scan went great! Heartbeat is strong, placenta looks good, & the statistics for Downs, Cystic Fibrosis and Spina Bifida are very low.

I found out at 16 weeks we are having a girl! I am overjoyed. Of course, I would have been just as happy with a boy. I just want a healthy baby.

We are going to name her Jadie Kate. I've always loved the name Jadie. I have a friend who's daughter is named Jadie and she is a sweet, insightful young lady who holds a special place in my heart. Kate is short for Katurah, Josh's mom's middle name.

It took us a while to determine Jadie Kate is indeed a girl. She is quite busy already. I am beginning to feel her moving. With JD it felt more like flutters. With Jadie Kate its more like thumps! I think she is going to be fiesty. I hope she is... I want her to be strong and determined. I want to see her beautiful face come November 3rd.

I think Josh is excited about having a baby girl. He's already calling her princess and has decided to repaint the baby's room. It's hard to call it Jadie Kate's room. For so long it was JD's room. So, Josh and I have been calling it the baby's room.

I'm having a hard time packing JD's things away. I know he never actually wore any of the clothes or shoes nor did he sleep in his crib, but I guess packing all of these things away finalizes things. I mean, I know JD is gone...

Mother's Day

Mother's day was tough. It actually hit me harder than I thought it would. I grieved the loss of JD while prayed in fear of losing this baby. Josh bought me a beautiful angel figurine holding a butterfly with a poem enscribed on it. It was sweet.

I woke up with a terrible sinus cold so I didn't join in our family's festivities. I just slept. I'm not sure if that was my body's way of avoiding the day or what but that's what I did.

I'm finding it hard to enjoy anything these days. I try really hard to take things one day at a time, but there are days I wish I could be a bear and hibernate until this baby is born.

12 week scan

Whew, we've made it this far...Each week I feel like we have celebrated a great victory.

We go Monday for our 12 week scan. I'm beginning to notice a pattern right before our doctor's appointments. A few days before one, I go into panic mode. I cry for no apparent reason and become incredibly anxious. I prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. I build up a wall and then once I hear the heartbeat I relax a bit and cry tears of joy.

I guess I do this because with JD we had no warning signs. We were blindsighted.

Anyway, as Jessica used to tell my niece Kayleigh, "two more sleeps until we find out if all is well with Baby R."

Pregnancy After a Loss...

Disclaimer: while I've never been on trial for a crime, this is my analogy...
For me...Pregnancy after a loss is alot like being on trial for a crime you didn't commit. You wait and wait in hopes that fate finds you "not-guilty" and pray that the end result is a live healthy baby. And, because you already feel "guilty until proven innocent," you have to talk yourself into believing that, despite your loss, you are indeed a good mom and worthy of another child.

The Story of the Butterfly and the Rainbow

This was actually written on March 21st...
Three weeks ago yesterday Josh and I discovered we were pregnant again. The day before our one year anniversary, a little less than five months after the loss of JD we were given a second chance. Baby R. is tentatively scheduled to arrive on November 3rd. One week and two days before Josh's 31st birthday.

I am entitling this entry the butterfly and the rainbow in hopes that one day, I can turn this into a book. I may not sell the book for my future children. I want my future children to know about their big brother JD and the influence he had on their upbringing.

JD is the butterfly and Baby R is the rainbow. Hopefully, Baby R will cooperate and we will know the sex of him or her in about 10 weeks. Right now, we are looking at Samuel David or Katelyn Marie. We aren't sure though. With JD, we both knew right away that he was going to be a boy. I "felt" it and Josh "knew" it. We are both going back and forth with this baby. We don't really care the sex. We just want a healthy, live baby to bring home from the hospital.

I can't explain the mixed emotions I felt when I took the pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant again. I was overjoyed, fearful and yet hopeful...all at the same time. There are days when these emotions overlap. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I am so grateful for this second-chance. I have put my faith in the Lord and now all I can do is wait. I am going to blog to help relieve some of the helplessness I am feeling. I can't believe its only been three weeks. It feels like forever.

We have already had two ultrasounds! We had one at 5 weeks and one today at 7 and a half weeks. We heard a heartbeat today! Dr. McKinney is being very gracious to us by letting us come every two weeks. She is also going to do an ultrasound everytime. Of course it doesn't cost her anything so why shouldn't she, right? To keep from losing my mind, I need these two week visits. I'm not sure whats going to happen when I get to 25 weeks...

One week before I found I was pregnant, my hives came back! I haven't had hives in ten years and wouldn't you know it...they have resurfaced! I am back on Prednisone. I have gained 10 pounds already but feel like a beached whale. My face and chest are both swollen but the good news is, I don't have any hives and my thyroid antibodies have lowered. My OB says that I am on a pretty low dose so it shouldn't affect the baby. I hope not!

We haven't told many people yet that we are pregnant. I'm not sure why. I guess we fear if something happens, we will have to tell people. Its not like we could have hid what happened to JD. I was 25 weeks pregnant! I have told a handful of my closest friends and family because I need the prayer warriors. I believe in prayer!

I bought the book 'Pregnancy After Loss.' It has been really helpful. The book suggests trying to stay positive and focused on the end result. I am trying to visualize my squirming, screaming red bundle of joy. I am trying to stay positive but I can't help to be cautious about my optimism. However, I feel like this baby deserves just as much excitement as JD.

When I first found out I was pregnant, I feared I would forget JD or people would think he was being replaced. That is NOT the case. I talk to JD everyday. I am thankful for him. Because of JD, I have a greater appreciation for our little rainbow. JD has made me more aware of the beauty that is around me. He has taught me to not sweat the small stuff. I am so proud of my first-born and I pray that my little butterfly will lead us to our rainbow.