5 Months Ago Today

Five months ago today I said hello and goodbye to my sweet angel baby, JD. Where has the time gone? I can't believe its been so long ago. I was driving home from work today feeling empty and sad. I couldn't quite place why since those days seem to be fewer and far between lately. Then I remembered that today was March 10th. JD was born on October 10th. Five months ago today... Here is a letter I wrote for him.

Dear JD,
You have taught me how to walk to the edge, listen to my heart and live with no regrets. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. Thank you for making me the person I am today.
Love,
Mommy

While I am sad to not have my sweet angel here physically, I know he is here in spirit. I know he is my guardian angel who is going to protect his little brothers and sisters one day. I drive to work each morning and play the song 'Godspeed,' by the Dixie Chicks. Call me corny or cheesy but its my way of reminding JD just how much I love him. I can't hold him or rock him but I can send him love through 'Godspeed,' if that makes sense. The other day I was listening to the radio and a song by Rascal Flatts came on called 'I Won't Let Go.' Its a comforting song that makes me think of JD and reminds me that he is still very much apart of who I am.

There Are No Words

'There are no words' seems to be a theme these days. A dear friend of ours lost his wife last Wednesday in a car accident. Wendy Jackson was/is a wonderful person who always made you feel welcomed. She always had a smile. Wendy leaves behind her husband Jimbo and two daughters Ashley and Allie.

I am bitter.

Josh cried throughout most of the funeral while I sat there feeling hard and cold. Now mind you, I mourned Wendy's loss but I was just so bitter.

I know that by no means do I have the right to question God or his plans but all I could do was sit there angry. Why did He have to take such a wonderful person, mother, friend?

This led me to start thinking about JD. Why was he taken so soon? Why is that God allows crackheads (excuse my free speech there) to spit out multiple kiddos but yet loving caring people who WANT to be parents struggle?

I am frustrated.

Maybe one day I'll understand...

Feeling Blaagh...

I swear to Sweet Jesus that every woman at work is pregnant right now. Well, everyone but me and two other women who desperately want a baby... sorry, I digressed.

Every now and again I'll hear them talking about the ultrasound pictures and who's chin or ears the baby has. I'll admit it, I did the same thing. I couldn't wait to have an ultrasound. I'm hopin' if there is a next time, I will have ultrasounds more often. But next time, I won't be oohing and ahhing over the baby's nose or chin. Next time, I'll be looking at things like the placenta, amniotic fluid and the cord.

I pray that God gives us the chance to be parents. If He doesn't see fit for us to birth the kiddos ourselves, then we will go the foster-to-adopt route. Not that this route is any easier, I know it comes with a lot a pain, sweat and tears too. At this point, however, if Josh didn't want to try having another baby so badly, I'd of already thrown in the towel and gone forward with plan B.

Maybe its hormones, not sure. I just feel a little blaagh tonight! Guess I shouldn't have posted so many positive things on Sunday, lol!

On a more positive note, today was beautiful! The sun was shining and the air was dry. It was gorgeous.

My New Normal

***Warning!!! Trish, I'm stealing your title!!!*** My new normal entails taking each day moment by moment. It means finally realizing that after 34 years, I am in control of NOTHING!!! It means dealing with the look of regret in a stranger's eyes when they ask you if you have any kids and you say yes, one in heaven. (I'm not going to lie about being a mom and when you ask something like that you are opening yourself up to anything!)My new normal involves taking time to relax and enjoy little things like birds chirping, rainbows, sunshine and children's laughter. My new normal includes activities like baking, cooking, and crafts to fill the time that was supposed to be spent rocking, feeding, and holding my angel baby. Finally, my new normal is holding onto every memory I have of my sweet baby boy and trying to make myself believe that I was a good mother to him and did the best I could. (I'm getting there!)

Never Enough

So, I mentioned in my last post that I wrote a poem for JD. Molly, my sister ordered me a necklace charm that has his footprints on them. I wear it everyday. (I've learned from this experience that a butterfly is a symbol used for early loss.)Everywhere I look I see butterfly stuff. Maybe because spring is on its way, I'm not sure. All I know is that I've never noticed it before. Anyway, I want to buy everything I see. I don't, but I want to. I finally framed the picture of our hands and Josh hung it in our bedroom. I have a picture of JD's handprint in a frame on our bar in the kitchen.

Its funny how no matter what I do or others do for me to validate JD, its just never enough. Now mind you, I am ETERNALLY grateful to EVERYONE for the generosity and loving kindness. That's not what I mean. I guess what I'm getting at is I yearn so badly to have my little boy here with me and all the butterflies in the world will NEVER make up for that loss. I was telling Josh about that the other night. He told me that he agreed but that if seeing a butterfly or buying something with a butterfly on it made me feel better then enjoy it. I love my husband.

I guess I just want JD to know just how much we wanted and loved him. We prayed for him daily. Even while I was puking my guts up driving down the road I thanked God for my precious boy.

I want JD to know that because of his existence, I am a stronger person. I appreciate life and the people in my life. I feel honored to be a mom and can't wait for the opportunity to tell his younger brothers and sisters about him.

JD

I found this blog called 'Loving Audry.' Audry's mom makes memorial candles for people who have lost their babies. I think I'm going to try and make one for JD. I wrote this poem to put on there. It goes like this...

Child of God
First Born
Our Butterfly
Mamma's Sweet Boy
Daddy's Little Hunter
JD
Nana & Paw Paw's Angel Baby
Cousin to Noah, Kayleigh, Thomas, Tucker, & Hadley
Nephew
Loved By Many
Our Angel in Heaven

Joshua David Register, JR.
October 10, 2010

Been A While

Its been a while since I posted last. Looking back, I didn't realize just how much I really struggled through the month of January. Heck, who am I kidding... the past four months have been very dark. I am so thankful to my family, friends and wonderful husband who have supported me and carried me through. I know people have been praying for us and we are soooo appreciative.

Special thanks to Wendi and her gang for the beautiful flowers they sent me on my due date. Amber and Carolyn had a vinyl cling of a beautiful butterfly made and I put it on the back of my car in memory of JD.

I finally mustered up the courage to attend a support group for early loss that meets monthly. I think this will be a good thing. I've also been going to Babycenter.com and have joined a number of support groups on there.

I was contacted by Healthy Start a few weeks ago. They asked me to be apart of a research project to help prevent early loss. I agreed. They are going to put JD's name on a quilt. They will carry the quilt in the walk they have in October for Early Loss. I am honored to be apart of the project. I know JD was loved and validated by our family and friends but by taking part in this project, it validates his existence from others in society.

As far as the future goes...still not sure what God has planned for us in regards to being parents. I met with the endo a couple of weeks ago and she pulled up some research related to what the doctors think happened to us. After reading over it, I'm still left dumbfounded... yep, there is a correlation, but the chances of what happened is very rare. So basically we can try again but there are no guarantees. These days, there are no guarantees with anything. I meet with my OB this Friday to make a plan. YOu know me, I'm a planner. I'll be 35 in a few months and I want to have a plan. It only took us 2 tries with JD but I don't know if we will be so lucky the next time.

So, that's where we are at.

A Trip To Publix

I went grocery shopping the other day at Publix. The sweet little cashier took his job quite seriously. He opened my carton of eggs and said, "Your eggs look great!" I was having a good day so I almost burst out laughing. Do you know how close I came to saying, "Honey, its not my eggs that are the problem... its my placenta!" I refrained for fear of getting sent to the Looney Bin!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow was supposed to be my due date. I am supposed to be reading the last chapter of 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.' Instead, I am reading 'Tear Soup.'

Welcome to the Club

A friend of mine just found she was pregnant. She waited to make the announcement at work until she told me personally. She didn't want to upset me. I was touched by her thoughtfulness. Two days after telling me she was pregnant, she found out she miscarried. I had no words. Me, who had just been through a similar experience, could not find the right words to say. I remember thinking similar things that well-meaning people told me that I didn't appreciate like, "oh, you can try again," "God has a plan," "hang in there." I asked Josh what to say. He said, "Tell her we love her and are here if she needs us." Perfect!

When you lose a baby, regardless of how far along you are, I truly believe you become apart of this certain club. A club nobody really wants to be apart of, but nevertheless, you are granted a lifetime membership to. A club, that despite how many members, you still feel alone and different. This is a club that despite your wonderful husband's efforts or your best friends' care and concern, they will never be apart of.

Ramblings of a Post-Partum Grieving Mother

Before losing JD I never really knew what it was like to feel true pain. Sure, I've grieved the loss of loved ones but with time, that grief got easier. Losing JD left a hole in my heart that I don't think will ever close. I am a different person. I can't really describe it in words but lets just say I am different.

I can barely remember life before October 8th, the day we found out JD was gone. I've heard other people say the same thing after a tragedy occurs.

Amber went to visit a parent who's child recently died in a tragic accident. She told me that she was amazed at just well the mother was "holding it together." I remember those days. I read somewhere that often times immediately after a tragedy your body goes into some sort of shock to help you get through that initial horrible time. I remember that shock. Sometimes, I try to remember October 8th, for fear that I will forget JD or the events that led up to his delivery. Then the pain comes back and it hurts...its hurts so badly that I try to keep myself busy by doing other things (i.e. cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.) Avoidance often brings on the guilt and fear. Guilt that there is nothing I can do to bring my boy back and fear that I will forget him.

Deep down, I know I'll never forget him. I wear two charms around my neck in memory of JD. I carried him for six months. I held his lifeless body in my arms.

Not sure where I'm going with this one... I guess this is just the ramblings of a post-partum grief stricken mother.

This is My Prayer

I've been reading this blog entitled, "Jesus Complete Me." Great read. Very uplifting. Tonight, these statements hit close to home..."Mature faith is knowing and trusting God always in all circumstances. It's giving up control. It's giving up the fight... to want more and to be more in Christ. It's about contentment, contentment in Him. It's about going wherever God leads and resisting sin. Resisting sin! It's about growing up!"

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:3 NIV

Whew... talk about needing that today. Not sure what's going on lately. I have this deep pain in my soul. There are times throughout the day when I feel like I'm walking through a dark tunnel. Despite all the shopping, time spent with my family and friends or how much my husband tells me things are going to get better, I can't seem to get out of this funk. Perhaps its because JD's due date is approaching, maybe its the holidays, or maybe just maybe its just because I lost my firstborn son and there's nothing I can do about it.

Not sure.

Baby Hadley

Got to meet my niece yesterday for the first time. What a precious angel. I haven't posted much on here about her because it just hurt so much to know that six weeks after her arrival, JD was supposed to be born. She was born 12-10-10, exactly 2 months after JD's arrival/departure. She was born with the cord wrapped around her neck three times and in a knot. The first thing the nurse said when she came out was that she shouldn't even be alive. We all know why she's alive. She has a guardian angel watching over her. Anyway, after two weeks in the NICU, we still have to wait a couple more weeks for the doctors to run more tests to see if there was any permanent damage to her brain. I feel like she's going to be just fine.

Josh and I went over to Kelley and Thomas' and held her. I just cried and cried. It was sort of therapeutic. As much as it hurt me to think about her arrival, it was so peaceful to hold her. I guess that's what bittersweet means. I had to block out the painful thoughts of my boy being gone and rejoice that Hadley is here.

Amber asked me how I felt afterwards. All I could say was bittersweet. You know, people are right. It probably won't matter if I have 10 babies. I will never be the same Janie I was before losing JD. Nothing is ever going to replace him. I just pray that the pain will lessen.

Hugs from within

Its 5:25am and as usual I'm wide awake. I have no reason to be wide awake but nevertheless, I am! My due date is less than four weeks away. I am sad. I know it shouldn't be a big deal anymore. January 20th isn't my due date anymore. October 10th is.

Shortly after JD's death, a friend of mine who had also lost a child called me to talk. She asked if I had noticed anything different as a result of JD's passing. At the time, all I could think about was just how empty and lonely I felt (which, I still feel the emptiness.) If I had to think about anything positive that came of this situation it would have to be the way my mindset is these days. I notice things that I didn't before... a full moon, butterflies fluttering by, the way my husband looks at me. JD has taught me to slow down and relax (still working on that, son but thanks!)

Another dear friend sent me the sweetest note reminding me that when things get tough to reflect on the time JD was here with me. She said he hugged me from within. How is that a child who never breathed air could teach this old broad so much? He taught me to slow down and relax (yep, I typed it again.) JD has helped me to realize that no matter how much I want to be in control, its just not possible. He is a daily reminder that life is short and that I don't need to sweat the small stuff. JD is my proof that God really does have a plan. While my heart aches to not have my sweet baby boy here with me, it gives me great comfort to know that he is in heaven with his grandparents and Jesus. I know he is our guardian angel. I love you my sweet baby boy!

I love you.

Potatoes... Patotoes

My endocrinologist finally called me back after a week and a half of me annoying/calling her. Of course, she told me the same thing the maternal-infant specialist did... nobody knows for sure why these sort of things happen... they just do. You know, for all these people's help, I could be a doctor too! Anyway, what kept pissing me off was her use of terminology. She kept referring to the loss of my baby as a "miscarriage." Now granted, two months ago, thats what I would have called it too. I've come to learn that what I had was a "stillbirth," NOT a "miscarriage." A miscarriage occurs before 20 weeks. A stillbirth can occur after that. Bottom line, I didn't bring my boy home from the hospital alive, so I guess it doesn't matter which word you use.

I guess I wanted her to use the correct terminology because I wanted to remind her just how rare my situation was and that people need to take this seriously and NOT wait so long to call me back. I'm sure someone who's had a miscarriage wouldn't appreciate that comment. I didn't mean that one is more painful than the other. Losing a baby is losing a baby... no matter what stage of pregnancy one is in.

Have I mentioned lately just how scared shitless I am to try this again? I am afraid that I will lose yet another baby or worse, cause one to have a disability and he or she suffer.

I currently have absolutely no faith in doctors, btw... JOsh keeps reminding me that they are humans too and sometimes they just don't know. He tries to compare their profession to mine and reminds me that sometimes despite my greatest efforts I can't meet the needs of my kiddos. He has a point, but I'm not buying it... I have a degree in education... NOT medicine. BIG difference. I guess if I've gotten anything out of all of this its that I need to be a more proactive teacher. I need to advocate for my students and try to find ways to help them achieve. Well...I'm rambling at this point and since its 2:06am, I'll try to go back to sleep!

My Mind Keeps Turning

Its 4:40am and I can't sleep. My mind won't turn off. My OB prescribed me Ambian but I've run out of it. I think I've gotten used to it and now I can't sleep without it.
This weekend was bittersweet. Kelley had her baby. Selfish to say, I was dreading her upcoming arrival. I didn't want anything bad to happen to Kelley or Hadley but everytime I thought about her new joy, I was reminded of the loss I experienced. I wasn't sure whether or not to go to the hospital to visit her, but I did anyway. I tortured myself all week about whether or not to go. For my own selfish reasons, I made myself go. While we didn't get to see Hadley because she is in the NICU, we did see Kelley. It was good to see her. I think it helped me. I have been carrying some pretty heavy resentment towards her lately. I am sick of hunting season. Josh has been really good about spending time with me but I resent the fact that he can get away from things, go out in the woods and hunt. I can't get away. Do you know how many pregnant people I see in one day? Having a baby is all I think about.
One of Josh's cousins gave us grief because Josh wasn't waiting at the hospital Friday night for Hadley's arrival. She also thought I was tacky for asking a particular question about Hadley's delivery. Well, first of all, just exactly two months prior to Hadley's birth, we were at that same exact hospital delivering our dead son. Second, Kelley has the same doctor I have. I wanted answers as to why Hadley had complications at birth.
I guess at the end of the day, none of this matters... resentment, anger, frustrations. The bottom line is, I don't have my son. I was cheated and that sucks so basically I am looking for someone/something to blame this on.

Josh and I went and met with a geneticist on November 19th. The doctor went over all my labs and basically told us that due to my hypothyroidism, I had high levels of antibodies and those antibodies attacked the placenta which in turn malnourished my son. I sat there and cried. It took me a few days for it all to sink in. I was angered and felt so guilty. I'm not sure realistically if I could have done anything differently though on my part. Before I got pregnant, I went to my endocrinologist and asked her what I needed to do to ensure a healthy pregnancy. We made a plan. I had my levels checked every 4-6 weeks. I didn't drink, smoke or do drugs (which I keep finding info on the internet about how all of this leads to stillbirth, imagine that?) I saw a maternal-infant specialist and my OB. I even researched on the internet about hypothyroidism and couldn't find anything out of the ordinary.

I felt guilty because as a mother, I felt like I had failed my child and my body rejected him. I was angry because the doctor told what we could do "next time" to possibly prevent this from happening again. He's suggesting aspirin and a combination of B vitamins. I swear to God everytime I went to the doctor I asked about my thyroid and if there was anything I needed to do special. Everyone said no, JD has a strong heartbeat, he's developing fine, everything looks good. How in the hell did they not pick up on an underdeveloped placenta? And why, did they not suggest the vitamins and aspirin as a preventative? I would have spread cow poop on my boobs if they would have told me it helped with having a healthy baby.

So why am I bringing this up almost 2 weeks later? I got the summary report of our meeting in the mail last night. It was one thing to hear the doctor, it was another to see his comments on paper. REALITY SUCKS!!!

Now, he seemed optimistic about us trying again but of course he isn't God and can't guarantee a healthy baby. So, I guess this is where faith comes into play, huh?

My Mom

I really wish I knew how to post pictures on here now! I can't figure it out. I have the sweetest picture of my mother holding JD the night of his arrival/departure. My mother doesn't smile much in pictures and she often tenses up. This picture is priceless. She looks radiant, relaxed and in awe of my sweet angel baby. As I've mentioned before I often feel guilty because I didn't hold JD for very long after his birth but I am so grateful to the people that did, especially my mom. She even insisted on dressing him in his "going home" outfit. "Going home" outfit, hrm, I meant that sarcastically and then thought about it. He did go HOME. He's an angel now. Josh and I can honestly say we have one perfect child, lol! Anyway, I'm rambling...

So, growing up my mom was never into ribbons, bows or the latest trends. She was very protective of us, at the time, I thought she was controlling. Now, as a mom, I totally get her! Growing up, there was one thing you could always count on from my mom... unconditional love. You could tell her anything. She might get pissed but she would come around and you knew that everything would be ok. Many years ago, she told me that she prayed every night for Molly and I to find good husbands. Her prayers were heard. To this day, I am in awe over that prayer.

So, the point to this entry... Mom went to Disney with Molly, Eric and their kiddos last week. She was standing in the elevator holding Tucker and Thomas was latched on to her leg. This man in the elevator smiles at her and asks if those were her grandchildren and did she have any more. She said yes. She has one more in Heaven. My heart melted when my sister told me that story.

Just Wondering

I've heard moms of second babies wonder before baby number 2 comes how they could possible love that baby as much as they love their first born. Then, once they hold baby number 2 all that wonder goes away. I'm not even pregnant yet, but I use to wonder that myself. One day I went to sit down at the computer and looked up and saw a picture of Josh when he was about 2 years old. My heart melted. Seeing that picture reminded me of his mom, Debbie. I never had the chance to meet her but from what I hear she loved her babies. I know by the way Josh treats me that he was definitely loved by his mother. (As I've mentioned before, Josh has an older brother was stillborn, so technically, Josh isn't the firstborn.) So, to answer my question, yep, I will definitely love baby number 2 as much as I love my angel JD. Now, we just have to pray for baby number 2.

Pain

Its funny how my heart aches so badly for someone I never really knew. Yes, I carried JD inside of me for 6 months. I felt him kick but I never actually heard my son cry or felt the rise and fall of his chest. I have never hurt so badly in my whole life. I have never felt so totally out of control. I am miserable, angry and just plain pissed. My heart physically hurts. My doctor prescribed Lexapro for me to take.I am angered that I may have to take medication for something I had no say in. (I haven't taken it because I want to try and get pregnant again.) Then when I think about getting pregnant again, I am filled with fear. I am so afraid this will happen again. I feel so responsible for what happened. I was JD's mother. I was supposed to protect him. I failed my child.