I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions these days. There's this part of me that still mourns JD. Then, one part of me is elated with joy to be expecting Jadie-Kate. Finally, there's this other part of me who fears losing her too. Poor Josh... he tries so hard to help me with it all but I feel bad for him.
People have already began giving me things for the new baby. Its bittersweet. I am grateful that people are validating my sweet baby girl but I'm also fearful that she won't make it.
While I want to re-paint and pick out new bedding, I'm also scared.
I broke down and rented a doppler. This one tells the heartbeats per minute. I've had it for three days now. It seems to help a little bit.
We went to a cookout last night. There were about 3 or 4 first time preggo women there. I wanted to run when I noticed them. I guess I wasn't expecting them. There are so many of our friends who are pregnant right now. I am happy for them and pray that everything goes well, but its hard for me to be around them. Call me selfish, but I don't want to hear about their heartburn, sleepless nights or cravings. I don't want them asking me about those things either. As I said in an earlier post, I want to crawl in a cave and hibernate until I have my live, healthy baby girl in my arms.
Its funny too because they were all talking about how they wanted to keep their baby's safe inside them for as long as possible, even it meant going past 40 weeks! I just sat there in silence. I don't feel like my baby is safe. I don't trust my body to take care of her. I want her OUT as soon as she is considered full term. The sooner, the better.
I didn't realize just how emotionally draining "faking it," can be. Josh is patient with me but I don't think he really understands when I say I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go. People are so well-meaning, they are always asking me how I'm doing. If I don't feel comfortable telling them the truth, I usually just smile and say, "good." No one, especially not other expecting mothers, want to know that I wake up in a panic at 1:00am in the morning praying for a healthy placenta or that when I'm driving down the road to an OB appointment I am crying in fear that it will be my last appointment.
I try really hard to see God's purpose/plan for losing JD and I think I understand. Because of JD, I appreciate things I didn't before. I take time to smell the roses and just sit and chat. Because of my sweet butterfly, I hope to be a better mother to Jadie-Kate, but for some reason, I was so angry last night. Angry that because of my loss, I am fearful of losing my precious baby girl. Angry because I am already looking at urns and preemie outfits for her (morbid and sick, I know!) Last night I just broke down. I was sick to my stomach and had a horrible headache from crying so hard that finally I just prayed, "LORD, I give up! I am putting this in your hands!" (something I should have done a LONG time ago!)
I am thankful for my firstborn son and hopeful for my secondborn baby girl. 23 weeks to go!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
17 weeks 3 days
The 12 week scan went great! Heartbeat is strong, placenta looks good, & the statistics for Downs, Cystic Fibrosis and Spina Bifida are very low.
I found out at 16 weeks we are having a girl! I am overjoyed. Of course, I would have been just as happy with a boy. I just want a healthy baby.
We are going to name her Jadie Kate. I've always loved the name Jadie. I have a friend who's daughter is named Jadie and she is a sweet, insightful young lady who holds a special place in my heart. Kate is short for Katurah, Josh's mom's middle name.
It took us a while to determine Jadie Kate is indeed a girl. She is quite busy already. I am beginning to feel her moving. With JD it felt more like flutters. With Jadie Kate its more like thumps! I think she is going to be fiesty. I hope she is... I want her to be strong and determined. I want to see her beautiful face come November 3rd.
I think Josh is excited about having a baby girl. He's already calling her princess and has decided to repaint the baby's room. It's hard to call it Jadie Kate's room. For so long it was JD's room. So, Josh and I have been calling it the baby's room.
I'm having a hard time packing JD's things away. I know he never actually wore any of the clothes or shoes nor did he sleep in his crib, but I guess packing all of these things away finalizes things. I mean, I know JD is gone...
I found out at 16 weeks we are having a girl! I am overjoyed. Of course, I would have been just as happy with a boy. I just want a healthy baby.
We are going to name her Jadie Kate. I've always loved the name Jadie. I have a friend who's daughter is named Jadie and she is a sweet, insightful young lady who holds a special place in my heart. Kate is short for Katurah, Josh's mom's middle name.
It took us a while to determine Jadie Kate is indeed a girl. She is quite busy already. I am beginning to feel her moving. With JD it felt more like flutters. With Jadie Kate its more like thumps! I think she is going to be fiesty. I hope she is... I want her to be strong and determined. I want to see her beautiful face come November 3rd.
I think Josh is excited about having a baby girl. He's already calling her princess and has decided to repaint the baby's room. It's hard to call it Jadie Kate's room. For so long it was JD's room. So, Josh and I have been calling it the baby's room.
I'm having a hard time packing JD's things away. I know he never actually wore any of the clothes or shoes nor did he sleep in his crib, but I guess packing all of these things away finalizes things. I mean, I know JD is gone...
Mother's Day
Mother's day was tough. It actually hit me harder than I thought it would. I grieved the loss of JD while prayed in fear of losing this baby. Josh bought me a beautiful angel figurine holding a butterfly with a poem enscribed on it. It was sweet.
I woke up with a terrible sinus cold so I didn't join in our family's festivities. I just slept. I'm not sure if that was my body's way of avoiding the day or what but that's what I did.
I'm finding it hard to enjoy anything these days. I try really hard to take things one day at a time, but there are days I wish I could be a bear and hibernate until this baby is born.
I woke up with a terrible sinus cold so I didn't join in our family's festivities. I just slept. I'm not sure if that was my body's way of avoiding the day or what but that's what I did.
I'm finding it hard to enjoy anything these days. I try really hard to take things one day at a time, but there are days I wish I could be a bear and hibernate until this baby is born.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
12 week scan
Whew, we've made it this far...Each week I feel like we have celebrated a great victory.
We go Monday for our 12 week scan. I'm beginning to notice a pattern right before our doctor's appointments. A few days before one, I go into panic mode. I cry for no apparent reason and become incredibly anxious. I prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. I build up a wall and then once I hear the heartbeat I relax a bit and cry tears of joy.
I guess I do this because with JD we had no warning signs. We were blindsighted.
Anyway, as Jessica used to tell my niece Kayleigh, "two more sleeps until we find out if all is well with Baby R."
We go Monday for our 12 week scan. I'm beginning to notice a pattern right before our doctor's appointments. A few days before one, I go into panic mode. I cry for no apparent reason and become incredibly anxious. I prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. I build up a wall and then once I hear the heartbeat I relax a bit and cry tears of joy.
I guess I do this because with JD we had no warning signs. We were blindsighted.
Anyway, as Jessica used to tell my niece Kayleigh, "two more sleeps until we find out if all is well with Baby R."
Pregnancy After a Loss...
Disclaimer: while I've never been on trial for a crime, this is my analogy...
For me...Pregnancy after a loss is alot like being on trial for a crime you didn't commit. You wait and wait in hopes that fate finds you "not-guilty" and pray that the end result is a live healthy baby. And, because you already feel "guilty until proven innocent," you have to talk yourself into believing that, despite your loss, you are indeed a good mom and worthy of another child.
For me...Pregnancy after a loss is alot like being on trial for a crime you didn't commit. You wait and wait in hopes that fate finds you "not-guilty" and pray that the end result is a live healthy baby. And, because you already feel "guilty until proven innocent," you have to talk yourself into believing that, despite your loss, you are indeed a good mom and worthy of another child.
The Story of the Butterfly and the Rainbow
This was actually written on March 21st...
Three weeks ago yesterday Josh and I discovered we were pregnant again. The day before our one year anniversary, a little less than five months after the loss of JD we were given a second chance. Baby R. is tentatively scheduled to arrive on November 3rd. One week and two days before Josh's 31st birthday.
I am entitling this entry the butterfly and the rainbow in hopes that one day, I can turn this into a book. I may not sell the book for my future children. I want my future children to know about their big brother JD and the influence he had on their upbringing.
JD is the butterfly and Baby R is the rainbow. Hopefully, Baby R will cooperate and we will know the sex of him or her in about 10 weeks. Right now, we are looking at Samuel David or Katelyn Marie. We aren't sure though. With JD, we both knew right away that he was going to be a boy. I "felt" it and Josh "knew" it. We are both going back and forth with this baby. We don't really care the sex. We just want a healthy, live baby to bring home from the hospital.
I can't explain the mixed emotions I felt when I took the pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant again. I was overjoyed, fearful and yet hopeful...all at the same time. There are days when these emotions overlap. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I am so grateful for this second-chance. I have put my faith in the Lord and now all I can do is wait. I am going to blog to help relieve some of the helplessness I am feeling. I can't believe its only been three weeks. It feels like forever.
We have already had two ultrasounds! We had one at 5 weeks and one today at 7 and a half weeks. We heard a heartbeat today! Dr. McKinney is being very gracious to us by letting us come every two weeks. She is also going to do an ultrasound everytime. Of course it doesn't cost her anything so why shouldn't she, right? To keep from losing my mind, I need these two week visits. I'm not sure whats going to happen when I get to 25 weeks...
One week before I found I was pregnant, my hives came back! I haven't had hives in ten years and wouldn't you know it...they have resurfaced! I am back on Prednisone. I have gained 10 pounds already but feel like a beached whale. My face and chest are both swollen but the good news is, I don't have any hives and my thyroid antibodies have lowered. My OB says that I am on a pretty low dose so it shouldn't affect the baby. I hope not!
We haven't told many people yet that we are pregnant. I'm not sure why. I guess we fear if something happens, we will have to tell people. Its not like we could have hid what happened to JD. I was 25 weeks pregnant! I have told a handful of my closest friends and family because I need the prayer warriors. I believe in prayer!
I bought the book 'Pregnancy After Loss.' It has been really helpful. The book suggests trying to stay positive and focused on the end result. I am trying to visualize my squirming, screaming red bundle of joy. I am trying to stay positive but I can't help to be cautious about my optimism. However, I feel like this baby deserves just as much excitement as JD.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I feared I would forget JD or people would think he was being replaced. That is NOT the case. I talk to JD everyday. I am thankful for him. Because of JD, I have a greater appreciation for our little rainbow. JD has made me more aware of the beauty that is around me. He has taught me to not sweat the small stuff. I am so proud of my first-born and I pray that my little butterfly will lead us to our rainbow.
Three weeks ago yesterday Josh and I discovered we were pregnant again. The day before our one year anniversary, a little less than five months after the loss of JD we were given a second chance. Baby R. is tentatively scheduled to arrive on November 3rd. One week and two days before Josh's 31st birthday.
I am entitling this entry the butterfly and the rainbow in hopes that one day, I can turn this into a book. I may not sell the book for my future children. I want my future children to know about their big brother JD and the influence he had on their upbringing.
JD is the butterfly and Baby R is the rainbow. Hopefully, Baby R will cooperate and we will know the sex of him or her in about 10 weeks. Right now, we are looking at Samuel David or Katelyn Marie. We aren't sure though. With JD, we both knew right away that he was going to be a boy. I "felt" it and Josh "knew" it. We are both going back and forth with this baby. We don't really care the sex. We just want a healthy, live baby to bring home from the hospital.
I can't explain the mixed emotions I felt when I took the pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant again. I was overjoyed, fearful and yet hopeful...all at the same time. There are days when these emotions overlap. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I am so grateful for this second-chance. I have put my faith in the Lord and now all I can do is wait. I am going to blog to help relieve some of the helplessness I am feeling. I can't believe its only been three weeks. It feels like forever.
We have already had two ultrasounds! We had one at 5 weeks and one today at 7 and a half weeks. We heard a heartbeat today! Dr. McKinney is being very gracious to us by letting us come every two weeks. She is also going to do an ultrasound everytime. Of course it doesn't cost her anything so why shouldn't she, right? To keep from losing my mind, I need these two week visits. I'm not sure whats going to happen when I get to 25 weeks...
One week before I found I was pregnant, my hives came back! I haven't had hives in ten years and wouldn't you know it...they have resurfaced! I am back on Prednisone. I have gained 10 pounds already but feel like a beached whale. My face and chest are both swollen but the good news is, I don't have any hives and my thyroid antibodies have lowered. My OB says that I am on a pretty low dose so it shouldn't affect the baby. I hope not!
We haven't told many people yet that we are pregnant. I'm not sure why. I guess we fear if something happens, we will have to tell people. Its not like we could have hid what happened to JD. I was 25 weeks pregnant! I have told a handful of my closest friends and family because I need the prayer warriors. I believe in prayer!
I bought the book 'Pregnancy After Loss.' It has been really helpful. The book suggests trying to stay positive and focused on the end result. I am trying to visualize my squirming, screaming red bundle of joy. I am trying to stay positive but I can't help to be cautious about my optimism. However, I feel like this baby deserves just as much excitement as JD.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I feared I would forget JD or people would think he was being replaced. That is NOT the case. I talk to JD everyday. I am thankful for him. Because of JD, I have a greater appreciation for our little rainbow. JD has made me more aware of the beauty that is around me. He has taught me to not sweat the small stuff. I am so proud of my first-born and I pray that my little butterfly will lead us to our rainbow.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
5 Months Ago Today
Five months ago today I said hello and goodbye to my sweet angel baby, JD. Where has the time gone? I can't believe its been so long ago. I was driving home from work today feeling empty and sad. I couldn't quite place why since those days seem to be fewer and far between lately. Then I remembered that today was March 10th. JD was born on October 10th. Five months ago today... Here is a letter I wrote for him.
Dear JD,
You have taught me how to walk to the edge, listen to my heart and live with no regrets. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. Thank you for making me the person I am today.
Love,
Mommy
While I am sad to not have my sweet angel here physically, I know he is here in spirit. I know he is my guardian angel who is going to protect his little brothers and sisters one day. I drive to work each morning and play the song 'Godspeed,' by the Dixie Chicks. Call me corny or cheesy but its my way of reminding JD just how much I love him. I can't hold him or rock him but I can send him love through 'Godspeed,' if that makes sense. The other day I was listening to the radio and a song by Rascal Flatts came on called 'I Won't Let Go.' Its a comforting song that makes me think of JD and reminds me that he is still very much apart of who I am.
Dear JD,
You have taught me how to walk to the edge, listen to my heart and live with no regrets. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. Thank you for making me the person I am today.
Love,
Mommy
While I am sad to not have my sweet angel here physically, I know he is here in spirit. I know he is my guardian angel who is going to protect his little brothers and sisters one day. I drive to work each morning and play the song 'Godspeed,' by the Dixie Chicks. Call me corny or cheesy but its my way of reminding JD just how much I love him. I can't hold him or rock him but I can send him love through 'Godspeed,' if that makes sense. The other day I was listening to the radio and a song by Rascal Flatts came on called 'I Won't Let Go.' Its a comforting song that makes me think of JD and reminds me that he is still very much apart of who I am.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
There Are No Words
'There are no words' seems to be a theme these days. A dear friend of ours lost his wife last Wednesday in a car accident. Wendy Jackson was/is a wonderful person who always made you feel welcomed. She always had a smile. Wendy leaves behind her husband Jimbo and two daughters Ashley and Allie.
I am bitter.
Josh cried throughout most of the funeral while I sat there feeling hard and cold. Now mind you, I mourned Wendy's loss but I was just so bitter.
I know that by no means do I have the right to question God or his plans but all I could do was sit there angry. Why did He have to take such a wonderful person, mother, friend?
This led me to start thinking about JD. Why was he taken so soon? Why is that God allows crackheads (excuse my free speech there) to spit out multiple kiddos but yet loving caring people who WANT to be parents struggle?
I am frustrated.
Maybe one day I'll understand...
I am bitter.
Josh cried throughout most of the funeral while I sat there feeling hard and cold. Now mind you, I mourned Wendy's loss but I was just so bitter.
I know that by no means do I have the right to question God or his plans but all I could do was sit there angry. Why did He have to take such a wonderful person, mother, friend?
This led me to start thinking about JD. Why was he taken so soon? Why is that God allows crackheads (excuse my free speech there) to spit out multiple kiddos but yet loving caring people who WANT to be parents struggle?
I am frustrated.
Maybe one day I'll understand...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Feeling Blaagh...
I swear to Sweet Jesus that every woman at work is pregnant right now. Well, everyone but me and two other women who desperately want a baby... sorry, I digressed.
Every now and again I'll hear them talking about the ultrasound pictures and who's chin or ears the baby has. I'll admit it, I did the same thing. I couldn't wait to have an ultrasound. I'm hopin' if there is a next time, I will have ultrasounds more often. But next time, I won't be oohing and ahhing over the baby's nose or chin. Next time, I'll be looking at things like the placenta, amniotic fluid and the cord.
I pray that God gives us the chance to be parents. If He doesn't see fit for us to birth the kiddos ourselves, then we will go the foster-to-adopt route. Not that this route is any easier, I know it comes with a lot a pain, sweat and tears too. At this point, however, if Josh didn't want to try having another baby so badly, I'd of already thrown in the towel and gone forward with plan B.
Maybe its hormones, not sure. I just feel a little blaagh tonight! Guess I shouldn't have posted so many positive things on Sunday, lol!
On a more positive note, today was beautiful! The sun was shining and the air was dry. It was gorgeous.
Every now and again I'll hear them talking about the ultrasound pictures and who's chin or ears the baby has. I'll admit it, I did the same thing. I couldn't wait to have an ultrasound. I'm hopin' if there is a next time, I will have ultrasounds more often. But next time, I won't be oohing and ahhing over the baby's nose or chin. Next time, I'll be looking at things like the placenta, amniotic fluid and the cord.
I pray that God gives us the chance to be parents. If He doesn't see fit for us to birth the kiddos ourselves, then we will go the foster-to-adopt route. Not that this route is any easier, I know it comes with a lot a pain, sweat and tears too. At this point, however, if Josh didn't want to try having another baby so badly, I'd of already thrown in the towel and gone forward with plan B.
Maybe its hormones, not sure. I just feel a little blaagh tonight! Guess I shouldn't have posted so many positive things on Sunday, lol!
On a more positive note, today was beautiful! The sun was shining and the air was dry. It was gorgeous.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
My New Normal
***Warning!!! Trish, I'm stealing your title!!!*** My new normal entails taking each day moment by moment. It means finally realizing that after 34 years, I am in control of NOTHING!!! It means dealing with the look of regret in a stranger's eyes when they ask you if you have any kids and you say yes, one in heaven. (I'm not going to lie about being a mom and when you ask something like that you are opening yourself up to anything!)My new normal involves taking time to relax and enjoy little things like birds chirping, rainbows, sunshine and children's laughter. My new normal includes activities like baking, cooking, and crafts to fill the time that was supposed to be spent rocking, feeding, and holding my angel baby. Finally, my new normal is holding onto every memory I have of my sweet baby boy and trying to make myself believe that I was a good mother to him and did the best I could. (I'm getting there!)
Never Enough
So, I mentioned in my last post that I wrote a poem for JD. Molly, my sister ordered me a necklace charm that has his footprints on them. I wear it everyday. (I've learned from this experience that a butterfly is a symbol used for early loss.)Everywhere I look I see butterfly stuff. Maybe because spring is on its way, I'm not sure. All I know is that I've never noticed it before. Anyway, I want to buy everything I see. I don't, but I want to. I finally framed the picture of our hands and Josh hung it in our bedroom. I have a picture of JD's handprint in a frame on our bar in the kitchen.
Its funny how no matter what I do or others do for me to validate JD, its just never enough. Now mind you, I am ETERNALLY grateful to EVERYONE for the generosity and loving kindness. That's not what I mean. I guess what I'm getting at is I yearn so badly to have my little boy here with me and all the butterflies in the world will NEVER make up for that loss. I was telling Josh about that the other night. He told me that he agreed but that if seeing a butterfly or buying something with a butterfly on it made me feel better then enjoy it. I love my husband.
I guess I just want JD to know just how much we wanted and loved him. We prayed for him daily. Even while I was puking my guts up driving down the road I thanked God for my precious boy.
I want JD to know that because of his existence, I am a stronger person. I appreciate life and the people in my life. I feel honored to be a mom and can't wait for the opportunity to tell his younger brothers and sisters about him.
Its funny how no matter what I do or others do for me to validate JD, its just never enough. Now mind you, I am ETERNALLY grateful to EVERYONE for the generosity and loving kindness. That's not what I mean. I guess what I'm getting at is I yearn so badly to have my little boy here with me and all the butterflies in the world will NEVER make up for that loss. I was telling Josh about that the other night. He told me that he agreed but that if seeing a butterfly or buying something with a butterfly on it made me feel better then enjoy it. I love my husband.
I guess I just want JD to know just how much we wanted and loved him. We prayed for him daily. Even while I was puking my guts up driving down the road I thanked God for my precious boy.
I want JD to know that because of his existence, I am a stronger person. I appreciate life and the people in my life. I feel honored to be a mom and can't wait for the opportunity to tell his younger brothers and sisters about him.
JD
I found this blog called 'Loving Audry.' Audry's mom makes memorial candles for people who have lost their babies. I think I'm going to try and make one for JD. I wrote this poem to put on there. It goes like this...
Child of God
First Born
Our Butterfly
Mamma's Sweet Boy
Daddy's Little Hunter
JD
Nana & Paw Paw's Angel Baby
Cousin to Noah, Kayleigh, Thomas, Tucker, & Hadley
Nephew
Loved By Many
Our Angel in Heaven
Joshua David Register, JR.
October 10, 2010
Child of God
First Born
Our Butterfly
Mamma's Sweet Boy
Daddy's Little Hunter
JD
Nana & Paw Paw's Angel Baby
Cousin to Noah, Kayleigh, Thomas, Tucker, & Hadley
Nephew
Loved By Many
Our Angel in Heaven
Joshua David Register, JR.
October 10, 2010
Been A While
Its been a while since I posted last. Looking back, I didn't realize just how much I really struggled through the month of January. Heck, who am I kidding... the past four months have been very dark. I am so thankful to my family, friends and wonderful husband who have supported me and carried me through. I know people have been praying for us and we are soooo appreciative.
Special thanks to Wendi and her gang for the beautiful flowers they sent me on my due date. Amber and Carolyn had a vinyl cling of a beautiful butterfly made and I put it on the back of my car in memory of JD.
I finally mustered up the courage to attend a support group for early loss that meets monthly. I think this will be a good thing. I've also been going to Babycenter.com and have joined a number of support groups on there.
I was contacted by Healthy Start a few weeks ago. They asked me to be apart of a research project to help prevent early loss. I agreed. They are going to put JD's name on a quilt. They will carry the quilt in the walk they have in October for Early Loss. I am honored to be apart of the project. I know JD was loved and validated by our family and friends but by taking part in this project, it validates his existence from others in society.
As far as the future goes...still not sure what God has planned for us in regards to being parents. I met with the endo a couple of weeks ago and she pulled up some research related to what the doctors think happened to us. After reading over it, I'm still left dumbfounded... yep, there is a correlation, but the chances of what happened is very rare. So basically we can try again but there are no guarantees. These days, there are no guarantees with anything. I meet with my OB this Friday to make a plan. YOu know me, I'm a planner. I'll be 35 in a few months and I want to have a plan. It only took us 2 tries with JD but I don't know if we will be so lucky the next time.
So, that's where we are at.
Special thanks to Wendi and her gang for the beautiful flowers they sent me on my due date. Amber and Carolyn had a vinyl cling of a beautiful butterfly made and I put it on the back of my car in memory of JD.
I finally mustered up the courage to attend a support group for early loss that meets monthly. I think this will be a good thing. I've also been going to Babycenter.com and have joined a number of support groups on there.
I was contacted by Healthy Start a few weeks ago. They asked me to be apart of a research project to help prevent early loss. I agreed. They are going to put JD's name on a quilt. They will carry the quilt in the walk they have in October for Early Loss. I am honored to be apart of the project. I know JD was loved and validated by our family and friends but by taking part in this project, it validates his existence from others in society.
As far as the future goes...still not sure what God has planned for us in regards to being parents. I met with the endo a couple of weeks ago and she pulled up some research related to what the doctors think happened to us. After reading over it, I'm still left dumbfounded... yep, there is a correlation, but the chances of what happened is very rare. So basically we can try again but there are no guarantees. These days, there are no guarantees with anything. I meet with my OB this Friday to make a plan. YOu know me, I'm a planner. I'll be 35 in a few months and I want to have a plan. It only took us 2 tries with JD but I don't know if we will be so lucky the next time.
So, that's where we are at.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
A Trip To Publix
I went grocery shopping the other day at Publix. The sweet little cashier took his job quite seriously. He opened my carton of eggs and said, "Your eggs look great!" I was having a good day so I almost burst out laughing. Do you know how close I came to saying, "Honey, its not my eggs that are the problem... its my placenta!" I refrained for fear of getting sent to the Looney Bin!
Tomorrow
Tomorrow was supposed to be my due date. I am supposed to be reading the last chapter of 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.' Instead, I am reading 'Tear Soup.'
Welcome to the Club
A friend of mine just found she was pregnant. She waited to make the announcement at work until she told me personally. She didn't want to upset me. I was touched by her thoughtfulness. Two days after telling me she was pregnant, she found out she miscarried. I had no words. Me, who had just been through a similar experience, could not find the right words to say. I remember thinking similar things that well-meaning people told me that I didn't appreciate like, "oh, you can try again," "God has a plan," "hang in there." I asked Josh what to say. He said, "Tell her we love her and are here if she needs us." Perfect!
When you lose a baby, regardless of how far along you are, I truly believe you become apart of this certain club. A club nobody really wants to be apart of, but nevertheless, you are granted a lifetime membership to. A club, that despite how many members, you still feel alone and different. This is a club that despite your wonderful husband's efforts or your best friends' care and concern, they will never be apart of.
When you lose a baby, regardless of how far along you are, I truly believe you become apart of this certain club. A club nobody really wants to be apart of, but nevertheless, you are granted a lifetime membership to. A club, that despite how many members, you still feel alone and different. This is a club that despite your wonderful husband's efforts or your best friends' care and concern, they will never be apart of.
Ramblings of a Post-Partum Grieving Mother
Before losing JD I never really knew what it was like to feel true pain. Sure, I've grieved the loss of loved ones but with time, that grief got easier. Losing JD left a hole in my heart that I don't think will ever close. I am a different person. I can't really describe it in words but lets just say I am different.
I can barely remember life before October 8th, the day we found out JD was gone. I've heard other people say the same thing after a tragedy occurs.
Amber went to visit a parent who's child recently died in a tragic accident. She told me that she was amazed at just well the mother was "holding it together." I remember those days. I read somewhere that often times immediately after a tragedy your body goes into some sort of shock to help you get through that initial horrible time. I remember that shock. Sometimes, I try to remember October 8th, for fear that I will forget JD or the events that led up to his delivery. Then the pain comes back and it hurts...its hurts so badly that I try to keep myself busy by doing other things (i.e. cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.) Avoidance often brings on the guilt and fear. Guilt that there is nothing I can do to bring my boy back and fear that I will forget him.
Deep down, I know I'll never forget him. I wear two charms around my neck in memory of JD. I carried him for six months. I held his lifeless body in my arms.
Not sure where I'm going with this one... I guess this is just the ramblings of a post-partum grief stricken mother.
I can barely remember life before October 8th, the day we found out JD was gone. I've heard other people say the same thing after a tragedy occurs.
Amber went to visit a parent who's child recently died in a tragic accident. She told me that she was amazed at just well the mother was "holding it together." I remember those days. I read somewhere that often times immediately after a tragedy your body goes into some sort of shock to help you get through that initial horrible time. I remember that shock. Sometimes, I try to remember October 8th, for fear that I will forget JD or the events that led up to his delivery. Then the pain comes back and it hurts...its hurts so badly that I try to keep myself busy by doing other things (i.e. cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.) Avoidance often brings on the guilt and fear. Guilt that there is nothing I can do to bring my boy back and fear that I will forget him.
Deep down, I know I'll never forget him. I wear two charms around my neck in memory of JD. I carried him for six months. I held his lifeless body in my arms.
Not sure where I'm going with this one... I guess this is just the ramblings of a post-partum grief stricken mother.
Monday, December 27, 2010
This is My Prayer
I've been reading this blog entitled, "Jesus Complete Me." Great read. Very uplifting. Tonight, these statements hit close to home..."Mature faith is knowing and trusting God always in all circumstances. It's giving up control. It's giving up the fight... to want more and to be more in Christ. It's about contentment, contentment in Him. It's about going wherever God leads and resisting sin. Resisting sin! It's about growing up!"
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:3 NIV
Whew... talk about needing that today. Not sure what's going on lately. I have this deep pain in my soul. There are times throughout the day when I feel like I'm walking through a dark tunnel. Despite all the shopping, time spent with my family and friends or how much my husband tells me things are going to get better, I can't seem to get out of this funk. Perhaps its because JD's due date is approaching, maybe its the holidays, or maybe just maybe its just because I lost my firstborn son and there's nothing I can do about it.
Not sure.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:3 NIV
Whew... talk about needing that today. Not sure what's going on lately. I have this deep pain in my soul. There are times throughout the day when I feel like I'm walking through a dark tunnel. Despite all the shopping, time spent with my family and friends or how much my husband tells me things are going to get better, I can't seem to get out of this funk. Perhaps its because JD's due date is approaching, maybe its the holidays, or maybe just maybe its just because I lost my firstborn son and there's nothing I can do about it.
Not sure.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Baby Hadley
Got to meet my niece yesterday for the first time. What a precious angel. I haven't posted much on here about her because it just hurt so much to know that six weeks after her arrival, JD was supposed to be born. She was born 12-10-10, exactly 2 months after JD's arrival/departure. She was born with the cord wrapped around her neck three times and in a knot. The first thing the nurse said when she came out was that she shouldn't even be alive. We all know why she's alive. She has a guardian angel watching over her. Anyway, after two weeks in the NICU, we still have to wait a couple more weeks for the doctors to run more tests to see if there was any permanent damage to her brain. I feel like she's going to be just fine.
Josh and I went over to Kelley and Thomas' and held her. I just cried and cried. It was sort of therapeutic. As much as it hurt me to think about her arrival, it was so peaceful to hold her. I guess that's what bittersweet means. I had to block out the painful thoughts of my boy being gone and rejoice that Hadley is here.
Amber asked me how I felt afterwards. All I could say was bittersweet. You know, people are right. It probably won't matter if I have 10 babies. I will never be the same Janie I was before losing JD. Nothing is ever going to replace him. I just pray that the pain will lessen.
Josh and I went over to Kelley and Thomas' and held her. I just cried and cried. It was sort of therapeutic. As much as it hurt me to think about her arrival, it was so peaceful to hold her. I guess that's what bittersweet means. I had to block out the painful thoughts of my boy being gone and rejoice that Hadley is here.
Amber asked me how I felt afterwards. All I could say was bittersweet. You know, people are right. It probably won't matter if I have 10 babies. I will never be the same Janie I was before losing JD. Nothing is ever going to replace him. I just pray that the pain will lessen.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Hugs from within
Its 5:25am and as usual I'm wide awake. I have no reason to be wide awake but nevertheless, I am! My due date is less than four weeks away. I am sad. I know it shouldn't be a big deal anymore. January 20th isn't my due date anymore. October 10th is.
Shortly after JD's death, a friend of mine who had also lost a child called me to talk. She asked if I had noticed anything different as a result of JD's passing. At the time, all I could think about was just how empty and lonely I felt (which, I still feel the emptiness.) If I had to think about anything positive that came of this situation it would have to be the way my mindset is these days. I notice things that I didn't before... a full moon, butterflies fluttering by, the way my husband looks at me. JD has taught me to slow down and relax (still working on that, son but thanks!)
Another dear friend sent me the sweetest note reminding me that when things get tough to reflect on the time JD was here with me. She said he hugged me from within. How is that a child who never breathed air could teach this old broad so much? He taught me to slow down and relax (yep, I typed it again.) JD has helped me to realize that no matter how much I want to be in control, its just not possible. He is a daily reminder that life is short and that I don't need to sweat the small stuff. JD is my proof that God really does have a plan. While my heart aches to not have my sweet baby boy here with me, it gives me great comfort to know that he is in heaven with his grandparents and Jesus. I know he is our guardian angel. I love you my sweet baby boy!
I love you.
Shortly after JD's death, a friend of mine who had also lost a child called me to talk. She asked if I had noticed anything different as a result of JD's passing. At the time, all I could think about was just how empty and lonely I felt (which, I still feel the emptiness.) If I had to think about anything positive that came of this situation it would have to be the way my mindset is these days. I notice things that I didn't before... a full moon, butterflies fluttering by, the way my husband looks at me. JD has taught me to slow down and relax (still working on that, son but thanks!)
Another dear friend sent me the sweetest note reminding me that when things get tough to reflect on the time JD was here with me. She said he hugged me from within. How is that a child who never breathed air could teach this old broad so much? He taught me to slow down and relax (yep, I typed it again.) JD has helped me to realize that no matter how much I want to be in control, its just not possible. He is a daily reminder that life is short and that I don't need to sweat the small stuff. JD is my proof that God really does have a plan. While my heart aches to not have my sweet baby boy here with me, it gives me great comfort to know that he is in heaven with his grandparents and Jesus. I know he is our guardian angel. I love you my sweet baby boy!
I love you.
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