She's Here!

I can't believe our little rainbow has been here a whole month already! We are so thankful for her. Jadie Kate is precious. She was born via c-section at 38 weeks. She weighed 5 lbs 10 oz and was 18 inches long. Family members rushed out and bought us diapers and preemie clothes because everything we had for her was too big.

We tried the nursing thing but it just wasn't for us. One, Jadie Kate had a hard time latching on and two, I just wasn't producing enough milk. So, we are using formula. JK is up to 4 oz every 3-4 hours. She weighs about 7.5 lbs now.

She doesn't like to go to sleep until around 11pm or 12am but once she falls asleep she sleeps until around 3am. We are thankful for that. Overall, she is a good baby. We are so thankful she doesn't seem to be colicky or anything like that.

I can't tell you how overwhelmed I am at the prayers & encouragement people gave us during my pregnancy. I am so grateful for our little princess!

5 Days to Go

I've always had anxiety, but this anxiety I'm feeling right now is unbelieveable. I am not sleeping through the night, which makes it worse. When I do wake up, I'm in a panic to check Jadie Kate's heartbeat because either a)she isn't moving enough or b)she's moving too much. I was at a point last night to where even Josh was anxious and asked me if I wanted to go to triage. I felt so stupid. What would I say when I got there? I'm not having any pain. Her movement is good. For once, even in the midst of a so-called panic attack, my blood pressure was only like 133/98, which for me is normal these days. I finally fell asleep around 1:00am but alas its 3:30am and I'm awake. I've got a head cold thats making it way to my chest so I finally broke down and took some Robitussin.

I'm not trying to complain. I am so thankful for this baby girl. I am grateful for all the prayers and support from family and friends. I am so happy to have made it this far. I know that I have an amazing support system in Josh.

People keep trying to reassure me by telling me we are in the clear. I will NEVER be in the clear. I will have somewhat more control once Jadie Kate is in my arms but I will never be totally at ease. One friend of ours was telling me how she's at a point now that in an emergency the doctors can have her out in a matter of minutes and she'd be fine. I know that, but what if there aren't enough minutes. Unless you've experienced the loss I've gone through as a mother, you can't possibly understand. I had no warning. I had no clue that my precious baby had died inside of me. How, as a mother, did I not know that my baby boy was in trouble? I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

I'm scheduled for a c-section for this Thursday, October 20th, but I have my weekly biophysical profile on Monday. I think after that appointment I'm going over to my OBs office and just see if they can bump me up to Tuesday. I know its only two days but after tonight's episode, that's a lifetime for me.

Lord, please give me the strength to get to Monday.

Waitin' on Jadie Kate

Man, I swear I can't believe we've made it this far, but on the other hand, I can't believe we still have 15 days and a few hours to go before her arrival. My OB assures me that if my blood pressure doesn't go down she will take her at 38 weeks, so that would mean we have 8 days and a few hours to go. Its surreal...I am praying so hard that she will be born alive & healthy.

A Year and One Day Ago

We had maternity pictures taken this past Sunday. I wanted JD to be included in some way. The photographer was sweet enough to create this collage and tried to incorporate butterflies in alot of the pictures.

A year and one day ago, I truly believed my heart had been ripped out of my chest.
A year and one day ago, I hated myself and the world around me. A year and one day ago, my sweet baby boy had been taken from me... or so I thought. While he's not physically here for me to hold or rock to sleep, I see him & feel his presence everyday.

I will never be the same Janie I was a year ago. Come to think of it, I don't know that I ever want to be that Janie again. Thank you JD for coming into our lives and making us who we are.

Happy Birthday in Heaven!

25 Days, 2 hours & 18 minutes

Dear Lord, I am so thankful that we have made it this far with sweet Jadie Kate. Lord, please help us make it to October 27th without me being admitted to the psych ward for losing my mind. Please let us bring home a live, screaming baby this time. Amen.

Well, the countdown continues. With each passing day I start to feel some relief. I'm trying to stay hopeful that this time we will have our rainbow. We shall see.

This Sunday a year ago, I remember cleaning out some things in the shed and feeling this flip in my stomach. I checked JD's heartbeat and seemed to get a "normal" reading so I went on about my work. Little did I know that six days later we would discover that our baby boy was gone. I always wonder in the back of my mind if I'd have gone to triage that Sunday if JD would still be here.

I can't go back only forward.

I don't know why this tragedy had to happen to us but it did. I do know that I am a different person because of our little butterfly. I know that Josh and I are closer together as a couple. I know that because of JD, I will be a better mother to Jadie Kate. For that, I am grateful.

34 Weeks & The Yellow Butterflies

We made it to 34 weeks! Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!!! I'm officially scheduled for a C-section on October 27th at 12:30pm. Jadie Kate is still breech and with the difficulties I had last time with JD my OB suggested a c-section. I'm relieved. I feel like I have mentally labored for a long time and when d-day comes I just want my girl in my arms. I don't want to labor for hours and worry about what might happen. Its surreal though. I can not tell you just how thankful I am to have made it this far and in the back of my mind I want to believe that this time everything is going to be ok. Of course, there's this little part of me that says, "Don't get too excited. It ain't over yet."

I had my first baby shower on the 10th of September and I have another one today. I'm not as anxious today as I was on the 10th, so we shall see. I went to L&D to visit a friend of mine who was being induced. I almost threw up walking down the hall to her room, but nevertheless, I am still here and still pregnant.

Its funny how a person can put stuff out of their minds but its not really gone for good. There are parts of October 8, 2010, I can remember like it was yesterday. The emotions. I have never felt so empty, low, devastated and angry. JD's first birthday is in a little over 3 weeks. I have a picture of a yellow butterfly as my Facebook profile picture. I looked at it Thursday and was immediately filled with anger. I mean truely pissed off filled with anger. I guess I was having a pity party. I know JD is loved and cared for in heaven. I know he was sent to me for just a short time for a reason, but my heart still hurts that he's not here with me to love on. When all that anger struck all I could think was all I have are some damn yellow butterflies to remind me of my sweet precious boy! Of course, the next day, a yellow butterfly about collided with my face while I was walking off the playground! I guess JD was showing me a thing or two, huh? (Which I am grateful for the yellow butterflies!)

I love both of my children and am proud to be their mom. I am thankful for what they have taught me.

51 Days...

Dear Lord,
Please give me the strength to make it through the next 51 days. Please take care of our precious baby girl and help her to continue to grow strong and healthy. I promise Lord that if given the chance to be parents to a live baby, we will do everything in our power to raise her us to know you and give her the life she deserves. Thank you for the past 7+ months with Jadie Kate. Thank you for my wonderful husband who has been so supportive. Thank you for our family and friends who have been right by our side through this rollercoaster ride of joy and heartache.
Love,
J

To My Children...

Wow, just typing the title and I am overwhelmed with love and tears. Who'd have thought when Josh and I first started trying to have children back in March 2010 that in a little over a year and a half later, I'd have two children! Man, has my life changed. My priorities are different for sure. The way I love the people in my life is sure different from way back when. I am so thankful for my babies.

Dear JD,
Thank for making me a mom. Thank you for helping me to see life in a whole different light. While my heart hurts that you are not here with me on earth, I know that you are in heaven being well taken care of by alot of people who love you. I feel your presence everyday and for that, my sweet boy, I am grateful. I can't wait for your baby sister to get here so that I can tell her all about you.
Love,
Momma

Dear Jadie Kate,
In less than 52 days you should be here with us. I can't tell you how many days and nights I have prayed for your safe arrival. I am so thankful to your big brother who has been watching over you over the past 8 months. Please continue to grow and get stronger. I promise that I will do the very best I can to take care of you and love you. Both you and JD are so blessed to have a great daddy and so many people who love and care about you.
Love you,
Mommy

1st Baby Shower Since JD

So, I went to my first baby shower since JD, yesterday. Its funny how the body reacts to stress. I had to force myself to go. I layed around all morning battling a headache and fatigue. Both, I'm sure brought on by stressing over the baby shower. Nevertheless, I went and it was ok. I wonder if it was ok because I'm pregnant again or because she had a baby girl (baby came five weeks early, so she was at the shower, lol!) I don't know why it was ok. I don't care. I need to stop analyzing things and just live for the moment.

Of course as soon as I got home I broke out the doppler and listened to Jadie Kate's heartbeat. Thank God for that thing! Its the best investment we've made by far!

Alot of people said I would probably relax after I got past the 25 week mark. They were wrong! My anxiety is at an all time high. I am so thankful for the past 30 weeks but I still pray constantly for the next 8.5 weeks to hurry and come and leave my sweet baby girl alive for me to hold.

JD's First Birthday

Not sure why I'm lying here crying and pondering JD's first birthday. It's still about 6 weeks away! I guess it's the planner in me. If he were here with me in earth I'd already have a theme picked out. His birthday shirt would be ordered, etc. Instead,I'm trying to figure a way to have some sort of memorial for him without freaking people out. I want to do something to honor him & send thanks to friends & family who have supported us through this difficult time. Im just not sure what to do exactly. Maybe I'll take a picture of all the things people have given us & make a collage thank you card. I think I'm going to get some balloons to send to heaven too. October 13th is the Walk to Remember. I will definitely be there for that. I just want my sweet boy to know he is loved!

29 weeks and counting

I am so thankful for week 29 but I am also a basketcase. I'm constantly secondguessing myself. Jadie Kate's heartbeat continues to be strong but I'm always fearful when I don't feel her move. I also worry because I don't think her movements are as strong as they should be. Lord, please let 39 weeks come and allow us to deliver a healthy live baby girl!

Another Butterfly Earned Her Wings

Some friends of ours lost their sweet baby girl this past Tuesday. Katie Grace was 25 weeks. My heart aches for them. I really have no words to say. I just wish I could take their pain away. KG's momma called me yesterday and asked me to come over so we could talk. So I did. I hope she will call me anytime.

Praying, Praying, Praying

Tomorrow I go in for the one hour gestational diabetes test. Yuck! I am so nervous. I have waited until the last possible minute to have it done because I am so scared. I had this test done with JD on a Thursday and the next day, I found out he was gone. I know the test didn't do it, but the thought lingers in my mind. Fortunately, I have a doctor's appointment after the test so hopefully that will give me some reassurance. If not, I will just have to take another visit to triage!

Josh made another comment today about getting pregnant right away after Jadie Kate is born. Right now, all I can focus on is Jadie Kate. I am soooooooooooo thankful for her and all the prayers. I am thankful for my sweet JD and it melts my heart to know that my husband wants more children but right now, all I can do is think about the baby I am carrying right now. Selfish? Maybe...

I am counting down the days until her arrival. Besides wanting to marry Josh, I have never wanted something so badly in my whole life. I want to be a mom. I'm not sure that I have ever prayed so hard for something either. Well, its 11:40pm and 6:30am will be here before we know it...

Is This Your First?

I met my sister and some of our friends at the pool yesterday. We had a great time relaxing and watching all the kiddos swim. As I was leaving, Molly introduced me to this lady. Molly told her I was her sister and I was expecting a baby girl in early November. The lady congratulated me and asked me if this was my first. I normally don't lie but today I just couldn't do it. So I said yes. I wanted to say, yes, my first live child. Hopefully, she is my first live child. She is my first baby girl.

I felt sort of bad for lying. Like I was ignoring JD. I've been a hot mess these past few weeks and I just didn't want to get into my situation with a complete stranger. Molly called me later and told me that she explained what had happened to the lady. The funny thing is, the lady went onto to tell Molly that she too had lost a son and completely understood! Its funny, because I sort of got that vibe when I talking to the lady and she said, " I once had a son in late September..."

Our Sweet Baby Girl!

This past Tuesday we had 4D Ultra Sound pics taken of Miss Jadie Kate. I think they turned out pretty good for the most part. She didn't shoot any birds this time but she did cover her face alot and stick out her tongue. I can't wait to meet my feisty little princess in person!

I remember posting shortly after JD died about how my views on ultrasounds had changed. I used to enjoy getting them to see who he looked liked. This time around they are a part of the survival process of being pregnant (i.e. checking for fluid, movement, growth, etc.) I tried really hard at this appointment to be a "normal" mom and enjoy the 4D process. I studied her little chin and nose. I looked in awe at her sweet fingers and toes. It wasn't easy but I did it. I couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness because I never got to see my sweet boy in 4D. Even when he was born, I couldn't tell who he looked like because of the trauma to his face during his birth. In my mind, I picture him looking just like Josh. I will have to hold that memory close to me. I am so thankful I have what little pictures I do have of him. We know he had my daddy's long skinny fingers and Josh's feet. I believe he would have been a big boy. For a baby who supposedly stopped growing at 22 weeks, he weighed that of a 25 weeker.

I have decided that when I have those twinges of guilt/sadness for my perfect JD, I have to turn it around and enjoy every moment with Jadie Kate twice as much. Once for her and once for JD. I believe he understands. I truly believe my little butterfly is watching over us and keeping his baby sister safe so that she can help us with the hurt we feel over his loss.

As for Jadie Kate's ultra sound... apparently our spunky little girl is also the spitting image of her daddy! She has his nose, chin and feet. I could tell he was so proud looking at the pictures. I think as far as momma goes, our princess has my attitude and fiestiness! That's fine by me. She has long legs, arms and fingers. Jadie Kate is measuring within the normal limits for her age but she is in the 39th percentile. I'm trying not to worry. I figure she is part Register/Tucker. She will catch up, lol!

Found a Gray Hair

Is it any wonder that I found a gray hair today? By the time Jadie Kate arrives, I'm sure I will have a head full of gray hair, if I have any hair at all! While I was getting ready for work this morning I decided to check Jadie Kate's heart rate before I left. 105 was the highest I could get. I panicked and made a bee-line for my OB's office. The nurse told me to go straight to triage, so I did. By the time I was sent back to be checked out my blood pressure was 144/111. The CMA (I think that's the correct title) that took me back wanted to "reassure" me by checking Jadie Kate's HR herself. She says, "Now honey this usually doesn't pick up a HR unless you are at least 27 weeks, but we'll give it a try anyway." (Nevermind my blood pressure is already through the roof because I'm already freakin' out but I'm also only 25 weeks 5 days and I'm well over 200 pounds so common sense would tell you that the damn thing wasn't going to pick up her heart rate!) Of course, it didn't pick it up. A nurse came in about 5 minutes later and uses a regular doppler and finds her right away. I asked her what the HR is and she says, "Oh, this one doesn't tell the rate, but it sounds really good to me." All I could think was, "My God, I have died and gone to hell! And hell really is full of idiots!" She then tells me to lay on my side too see if my blood pressure goes down and wait for the on call OB to come have a look. We waited for about an hour and finally the nurse comes back and says that he said to go back to my OB's office and get an ultrasound because he is still in the middle of a delivery. So, Josh and I head back over to the OB's office and get an ultrasound. Praise God! Jadie Kate's heart rate was 157 and she was rolling all around and waving. The US tech showed us how JK is turning her body away from the doppler when she hears it so it muffles the heart rate! Only my child! I believe we are going to have our hands full. Thank the Lord she has her big brother up in heaven looking out for her! (She's doing somersaults in my belly as I'm typing!) 13 weeks to go!

25 weeks and counting!

I thought making it to the 25th week would bring me peace of mind. I guess, in a way, it did but on the other hand, there's still this lingering feeling that anything can happen. I know I need to let go and let God handle this. Being the control freak that I am, its quite difficult to do this.

I'm seriously thinking about going on medication after Jadie Kate is born. I'll wait and see if things get better but I have people tell me it won't. I'll just find more things to worry about.

We rented a doppler back in June and let me tell you, its the best $40 a month investment we could have made. Not only can you hear the heartbeat, but it tells you the beats per minute. I am also feeling her move more and more so that is reassuring as well.

I officially go back to work on August 11th. I've been spending a day or two here and there working in my classroom for the past couple of weeks though. There is so much to do to get ready. I'm anxious about that too. I'm not sure why. Its not like this is my first rodeo. I guess I just want November 3rd to be here so I can relax a little bit. Maybe going back to work will help the time go by faster.

Doctor McKinnie will induce me at 39 weeks if I want her to, so it looks like my due date will be October 27th. I'm all for it. Now, our next decision is whether or not to induce or go the C-section route. As of now, we really have no physical reason to go the C-section route. Mentally, I want one because I believe its the fastest, safest way to have my baby girl in my arms. We have 12+ weeks to decide, so in the meantime I am going to pray about it and see what happens. Jadie Kate seems to have a mind of her own, so she may very well make that decision for us, lol!

The emotions I feel these days are none like I've ever had before. Well, I guess I've had them, just not all at once. I am missing my JD, but comforted to know that he is still here in spirit. He reassures me daily by sending me a butterfly or some other sign. I have so much love for Josh these days. He is so patient with me and tries so hard. Good things really do come to those who wait, lol! Which makes me grateful that we have a forgiving God who despite some of the stupid things I've done in my life, He led me here to all of this happiness. Then, there is the excitement and out of control feelings I have for Jadie Kate. I am so thankful for the chance to possibly be a mom to a live, screaming baby. I guess all of these emotions explain why there are times I just burst into tears for no apparent reason, huh?

We Made It!

Yay! This past Thursday made 25 weeks with sweet Jadie Kate. The US tech is estimating she weighs 1 lb 10oz. That's 5oz more than JD. She is measuring on schedule and moving like crazy. While I am so relieved and excited, I can't help but still be cautious with my emotions. Thanks to everyone for the love and support.

I still haven't taken down JD's crib bedding. One day at a time, I guess. I have been really feeling guilty and missing him alot these days. I guess I'm mourning this time lost with him. I just hope he knows how much we love and want him to be apart of our lives.

I registered yesterday for some things for Jadie Kate. I remember registering for JD. I was so excited. I took my mom and my little list and had a great time scanning things. This time, I almost had to distance myself. It was as if I were performing a job on my list of things to do. It's not that important. What's important is having my baby girl here, with me, alive. When I was done registering, I rushed home and listened to the Doppler to make sure her heartbeat was strong.

Thank you God for one more week!

Scared, Hopeful, & Crazy

This Thursday, we will be 25 weeks pregnant with Jadie Kate. That's two days away. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions right now. I am hopeful that she lives but I can't also help but think that we could be saying goodbye. These days, when I feel out of control I bake, cakes mainly. Tonight I pulled a can of frosting from the cabinet and burst into tears when I read the label. Rainbow frosting. I didn't even think about it when I bought the frosting. So, here I am praying that this rainbow frosting is a good sign that everything is going to be ok with Jadie Kate. Call me crazy...