Whew, we've made it this far...Each week I feel like we have celebrated a great victory.
We go Monday for our 12 week scan. I'm beginning to notice a pattern right before our doctor's appointments. A few days before one, I go into panic mode. I cry for no apparent reason and become incredibly anxious. I prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. I build up a wall and then once I hear the heartbeat I relax a bit and cry tears of joy.
I guess I do this because with JD we had no warning signs. We were blindsighted.
Anyway, as Jessica used to tell my niece Kayleigh, "two more sleeps until we find out if all is well with Baby R."
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Pregnancy After a Loss...
Disclaimer: while I've never been on trial for a crime, this is my analogy...
For me...Pregnancy after a loss is alot like being on trial for a crime you didn't commit. You wait and wait in hopes that fate finds you "not-guilty" and pray that the end result is a live healthy baby. And, because you already feel "guilty until proven innocent," you have to talk yourself into believing that, despite your loss, you are indeed a good mom and worthy of another child.
For me...Pregnancy after a loss is alot like being on trial for a crime you didn't commit. You wait and wait in hopes that fate finds you "not-guilty" and pray that the end result is a live healthy baby. And, because you already feel "guilty until proven innocent," you have to talk yourself into believing that, despite your loss, you are indeed a good mom and worthy of another child.
The Story of the Butterfly and the Rainbow
This was actually written on March 21st...
Three weeks ago yesterday Josh and I discovered we were pregnant again. The day before our one year anniversary, a little less than five months after the loss of JD we were given a second chance. Baby R. is tentatively scheduled to arrive on November 3rd. One week and two days before Josh's 31st birthday.
I am entitling this entry the butterfly and the rainbow in hopes that one day, I can turn this into a book. I may not sell the book for my future children. I want my future children to know about their big brother JD and the influence he had on their upbringing.
JD is the butterfly and Baby R is the rainbow. Hopefully, Baby R will cooperate and we will know the sex of him or her in about 10 weeks. Right now, we are looking at Samuel David or Katelyn Marie. We aren't sure though. With JD, we both knew right away that he was going to be a boy. I "felt" it and Josh "knew" it. We are both going back and forth with this baby. We don't really care the sex. We just want a healthy, live baby to bring home from the hospital.
I can't explain the mixed emotions I felt when I took the pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant again. I was overjoyed, fearful and yet hopeful...all at the same time. There are days when these emotions overlap. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I am so grateful for this second-chance. I have put my faith in the Lord and now all I can do is wait. I am going to blog to help relieve some of the helplessness I am feeling. I can't believe its only been three weeks. It feels like forever.
We have already had two ultrasounds! We had one at 5 weeks and one today at 7 and a half weeks. We heard a heartbeat today! Dr. McKinney is being very gracious to us by letting us come every two weeks. She is also going to do an ultrasound everytime. Of course it doesn't cost her anything so why shouldn't she, right? To keep from losing my mind, I need these two week visits. I'm not sure whats going to happen when I get to 25 weeks...
One week before I found I was pregnant, my hives came back! I haven't had hives in ten years and wouldn't you know it...they have resurfaced! I am back on Prednisone. I have gained 10 pounds already but feel like a beached whale. My face and chest are both swollen but the good news is, I don't have any hives and my thyroid antibodies have lowered. My OB says that I am on a pretty low dose so it shouldn't affect the baby. I hope not!
We haven't told many people yet that we are pregnant. I'm not sure why. I guess we fear if something happens, we will have to tell people. Its not like we could have hid what happened to JD. I was 25 weeks pregnant! I have told a handful of my closest friends and family because I need the prayer warriors. I believe in prayer!
I bought the book 'Pregnancy After Loss.' It has been really helpful. The book suggests trying to stay positive and focused on the end result. I am trying to visualize my squirming, screaming red bundle of joy. I am trying to stay positive but I can't help to be cautious about my optimism. However, I feel like this baby deserves just as much excitement as JD.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I feared I would forget JD or people would think he was being replaced. That is NOT the case. I talk to JD everyday. I am thankful for him. Because of JD, I have a greater appreciation for our little rainbow. JD has made me more aware of the beauty that is around me. He has taught me to not sweat the small stuff. I am so proud of my first-born and I pray that my little butterfly will lead us to our rainbow.
Three weeks ago yesterday Josh and I discovered we were pregnant again. The day before our one year anniversary, a little less than five months after the loss of JD we were given a second chance. Baby R. is tentatively scheduled to arrive on November 3rd. One week and two days before Josh's 31st birthday.
I am entitling this entry the butterfly and the rainbow in hopes that one day, I can turn this into a book. I may not sell the book for my future children. I want my future children to know about their big brother JD and the influence he had on their upbringing.
JD is the butterfly and Baby R is the rainbow. Hopefully, Baby R will cooperate and we will know the sex of him or her in about 10 weeks. Right now, we are looking at Samuel David or Katelyn Marie. We aren't sure though. With JD, we both knew right away that he was going to be a boy. I "felt" it and Josh "knew" it. We are both going back and forth with this baby. We don't really care the sex. We just want a healthy, live baby to bring home from the hospital.
I can't explain the mixed emotions I felt when I took the pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant again. I was overjoyed, fearful and yet hopeful...all at the same time. There are days when these emotions overlap. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I am so grateful for this second-chance. I have put my faith in the Lord and now all I can do is wait. I am going to blog to help relieve some of the helplessness I am feeling. I can't believe its only been three weeks. It feels like forever.
We have already had two ultrasounds! We had one at 5 weeks and one today at 7 and a half weeks. We heard a heartbeat today! Dr. McKinney is being very gracious to us by letting us come every two weeks. She is also going to do an ultrasound everytime. Of course it doesn't cost her anything so why shouldn't she, right? To keep from losing my mind, I need these two week visits. I'm not sure whats going to happen when I get to 25 weeks...
One week before I found I was pregnant, my hives came back! I haven't had hives in ten years and wouldn't you know it...they have resurfaced! I am back on Prednisone. I have gained 10 pounds already but feel like a beached whale. My face and chest are both swollen but the good news is, I don't have any hives and my thyroid antibodies have lowered. My OB says that I am on a pretty low dose so it shouldn't affect the baby. I hope not!
We haven't told many people yet that we are pregnant. I'm not sure why. I guess we fear if something happens, we will have to tell people. Its not like we could have hid what happened to JD. I was 25 weeks pregnant! I have told a handful of my closest friends and family because I need the prayer warriors. I believe in prayer!
I bought the book 'Pregnancy After Loss.' It has been really helpful. The book suggests trying to stay positive and focused on the end result. I am trying to visualize my squirming, screaming red bundle of joy. I am trying to stay positive but I can't help to be cautious about my optimism. However, I feel like this baby deserves just as much excitement as JD.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I feared I would forget JD or people would think he was being replaced. That is NOT the case. I talk to JD everyday. I am thankful for him. Because of JD, I have a greater appreciation for our little rainbow. JD has made me more aware of the beauty that is around me. He has taught me to not sweat the small stuff. I am so proud of my first-born and I pray that my little butterfly will lead us to our rainbow.
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