Not sure what the point is to this entry but Jadie Kate is sleeping and I have time to kill so I thought I'd post... I remember after JD died this deep sense of loneliness I felt. I literally felt like someone had ripped my heart out and I was walking around with a piece of me missing. I remember walking aimlessly around the mall and various shops just to kill time but feeling bitter and empty. (its my therapy, some people eat, I shop)
Jadie Kate has helped heal some of that pain but its funny how despite 14 months later I can still remember it. There are times I still feel it. When I see a baby boy who is about 14 months old I think about JD. I can't stand to look at those sweet blue infant layette sets at Dillards. (We had one for JD to go home in.)
This isn't meant to be a pity party post. Its just me expressing my feelings. I've spent my life trying to avoid certain feelings, going through the motions without feeling the emotions. I can honestly say after JD died, that all changed. I felt every painful emotion that came along with losing him. These days, I rejoice when I see a yellow butterfly or a rainbow. I tear up and thank God every day when I get to hold my sweet Jadie Kate. My heart melts when she smiles. I also know that nothing in life is permanent so I aim to enjoy EVERY minute of EVERY day.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
That Brown Rocking Chair
We jad JD's nursery almost complete by the first of October. All except a rocking chair... He wasnt due until January 19th so we figued we'd wait until Christmas & get one on sale. Then we found out on October 8th that JD was gone. I beat myself up for not getting a rocking chair sooner. It hurts me to know I never got to rock him. Shortly after JD died, I found the perfect rocking chair at Target. I didn't really have a need or the money for it but I bought it anyway & put it in the nursery. I spent many nights sitting in that chair praying & pleading with God to make me a mommy to a live baby. He fulfilled my dream. I make it a point to rock Jadie Kate in that rocking chair everyday. When I rock her I tell her about her big brother in heaven.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
She's Here!
I can't believe our little rainbow has been here a whole month already! We are so thankful for her. Jadie Kate is precious. She was born via c-section at 38 weeks. She weighed 5 lbs 10 oz and was 18 inches long. Family members rushed out and bought us diapers and preemie clothes because everything we had for her was too big.
We tried the nursing thing but it just wasn't for us. One, Jadie Kate had a hard time latching on and two, I just wasn't producing enough milk. So, we are using formula. JK is up to 4 oz every 3-4 hours. She weighs about 7.5 lbs now.
She doesn't like to go to sleep until around 11pm or 12am but once she falls asleep she sleeps until around 3am. We are thankful for that. Overall, she is a good baby. We are so thankful she doesn't seem to be colicky or anything like that.
I can't tell you how overwhelmed I am at the prayers & encouragement people gave us during my pregnancy. I am so grateful for our little princess!
We tried the nursing thing but it just wasn't for us. One, Jadie Kate had a hard time latching on and two, I just wasn't producing enough milk. So, we are using formula. JK is up to 4 oz every 3-4 hours. She weighs about 7.5 lbs now.
She doesn't like to go to sleep until around 11pm or 12am but once she falls asleep she sleeps until around 3am. We are thankful for that. Overall, she is a good baby. We are so thankful she doesn't seem to be colicky or anything like that.
I can't tell you how overwhelmed I am at the prayers & encouragement people gave us during my pregnancy. I am so grateful for our little princess!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
5 Days to Go
I've always had anxiety, but this anxiety I'm feeling right now is unbelieveable. I am not sleeping through the night, which makes it worse. When I do wake up, I'm in a panic to check Jadie Kate's heartbeat because either a)she isn't moving enough or b)she's moving too much. I was at a point last night to where even Josh was anxious and asked me if I wanted to go to triage. I felt so stupid. What would I say when I got there? I'm not having any pain. Her movement is good. For once, even in the midst of a so-called panic attack, my blood pressure was only like 133/98, which for me is normal these days. I finally fell asleep around 1:00am but alas its 3:30am and I'm awake. I've got a head cold thats making it way to my chest so I finally broke down and took some Robitussin.
I'm not trying to complain. I am so thankful for this baby girl. I am grateful for all the prayers and support from family and friends. I am so happy to have made it this far. I know that I have an amazing support system in Josh.
People keep trying to reassure me by telling me we are in the clear. I will NEVER be in the clear. I will have somewhat more control once Jadie Kate is in my arms but I will never be totally at ease. One friend of ours was telling me how she's at a point now that in an emergency the doctors can have her out in a matter of minutes and she'd be fine. I know that, but what if there aren't enough minutes. Unless you've experienced the loss I've gone through as a mother, you can't possibly understand. I had no warning. I had no clue that my precious baby had died inside of me. How, as a mother, did I not know that my baby boy was in trouble? I'm not going to beat myself up over it.
I'm scheduled for a c-section for this Thursday, October 20th, but I have my weekly biophysical profile on Monday. I think after that appointment I'm going over to my OBs office and just see if they can bump me up to Tuesday. I know its only two days but after tonight's episode, that's a lifetime for me.
Lord, please give me the strength to get to Monday.
I'm not trying to complain. I am so thankful for this baby girl. I am grateful for all the prayers and support from family and friends. I am so happy to have made it this far. I know that I have an amazing support system in Josh.
People keep trying to reassure me by telling me we are in the clear. I will NEVER be in the clear. I will have somewhat more control once Jadie Kate is in my arms but I will never be totally at ease. One friend of ours was telling me how she's at a point now that in an emergency the doctors can have her out in a matter of minutes and she'd be fine. I know that, but what if there aren't enough minutes. Unless you've experienced the loss I've gone through as a mother, you can't possibly understand. I had no warning. I had no clue that my precious baby had died inside of me. How, as a mother, did I not know that my baby boy was in trouble? I'm not going to beat myself up over it.
I'm scheduled for a c-section for this Thursday, October 20th, but I have my weekly biophysical profile on Monday. I think after that appointment I'm going over to my OBs office and just see if they can bump me up to Tuesday. I know its only two days but after tonight's episode, that's a lifetime for me.
Lord, please give me the strength to get to Monday.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Waitin' on Jadie Kate
Man, I swear I can't believe we've made it this far, but on the other hand, I can't believe we still have 15 days and a few hours to go before her arrival. My OB assures me that if my blood pressure doesn't go down she will take her at 38 weeks, so that would mean we have 8 days and a few hours to go. Its surreal...I am praying so hard that she will be born alive & healthy.
A Year and One Day Ago
We had maternity pictures taken this past Sunday. I wanted JD to be included in some way. The photographer was sweet enough to create this collage and tried to incorporate butterflies in alot of the pictures.
A year and one day ago, I truly believed my heart had been ripped out of my chest.
A year and one day ago, I hated myself and the world around me. A year and one day ago, my sweet baby boy had been taken from me... or so I thought. While he's not physically here for me to hold or rock to sleep, I see him & feel his presence everyday.
I will never be the same Janie I was a year ago. Come to think of it, I don't know that I ever want to be that Janie again. Thank you JD for coming into our lives and making us who we are.
Happy Birthday in Heaven!
Sunday, October 02, 2011
25 Days, 2 hours & 18 minutes
Dear Lord, I am so thankful that we have made it this far with sweet Jadie Kate. Lord, please help us make it to October 27th without me being admitted to the psych ward for losing my mind. Please let us bring home a live, screaming baby this time. Amen.
Well, the countdown continues. With each passing day I start to feel some relief. I'm trying to stay hopeful that this time we will have our rainbow. We shall see.
This Sunday a year ago, I remember cleaning out some things in the shed and feeling this flip in my stomach. I checked JD's heartbeat and seemed to get a "normal" reading so I went on about my work. Little did I know that six days later we would discover that our baby boy was gone. I always wonder in the back of my mind if I'd have gone to triage that Sunday if JD would still be here.
I can't go back only forward.
I don't know why this tragedy had to happen to us but it did. I do know that I am a different person because of our little butterfly. I know that Josh and I are closer together as a couple. I know that because of JD, I will be a better mother to Jadie Kate. For that, I am grateful.
Well, the countdown continues. With each passing day I start to feel some relief. I'm trying to stay hopeful that this time we will have our rainbow. We shall see.
This Sunday a year ago, I remember cleaning out some things in the shed and feeling this flip in my stomach. I checked JD's heartbeat and seemed to get a "normal" reading so I went on about my work. Little did I know that six days later we would discover that our baby boy was gone. I always wonder in the back of my mind if I'd have gone to triage that Sunday if JD would still be here.
I can't go back only forward.
I don't know why this tragedy had to happen to us but it did. I do know that I am a different person because of our little butterfly. I know that Josh and I are closer together as a couple. I know that because of JD, I will be a better mother to Jadie Kate. For that, I am grateful.
Saturday, September 24, 2011
34 Weeks & The Yellow Butterflies
We made it to 34 weeks! Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!!! I'm officially scheduled for a C-section on October 27th at 12:30pm. Jadie Kate is still breech and with the difficulties I had last time with JD my OB suggested a c-section. I'm relieved. I feel like I have mentally labored for a long time and when d-day comes I just want my girl in my arms. I don't want to labor for hours and worry about what might happen. Its surreal though. I can not tell you just how thankful I am to have made it this far and in the back of my mind I want to believe that this time everything is going to be ok. Of course, there's this little part of me that says, "Don't get too excited. It ain't over yet."
I had my first baby shower on the 10th of September and I have another one today. I'm not as anxious today as I was on the 10th, so we shall see. I went to L&D to visit a friend of mine who was being induced. I almost threw up walking down the hall to her room, but nevertheless, I am still here and still pregnant.
Its funny how a person can put stuff out of their minds but its not really gone for good. There are parts of October 8, 2010, I can remember like it was yesterday. The emotions. I have never felt so empty, low, devastated and angry. JD's first birthday is in a little over 3 weeks. I have a picture of a yellow butterfly as my Facebook profile picture. I looked at it Thursday and was immediately filled with anger. I mean truely pissed off filled with anger. I guess I was having a pity party. I know JD is loved and cared for in heaven. I know he was sent to me for just a short time for a reason, but my heart still hurts that he's not here with me to love on. When all that anger struck all I could think was all I have are some damn yellow butterflies to remind me of my sweet precious boy! Of course, the next day, a yellow butterfly about collided with my face while I was walking off the playground! I guess JD was showing me a thing or two, huh? (Which I am grateful for the yellow butterflies!)
I love both of my children and am proud to be their mom. I am thankful for what they have taught me.
I had my first baby shower on the 10th of September and I have another one today. I'm not as anxious today as I was on the 10th, so we shall see. I went to L&D to visit a friend of mine who was being induced. I almost threw up walking down the hall to her room, but nevertheless, I am still here and still pregnant.
Its funny how a person can put stuff out of their minds but its not really gone for good. There are parts of October 8, 2010, I can remember like it was yesterday. The emotions. I have never felt so empty, low, devastated and angry. JD's first birthday is in a little over 3 weeks. I have a picture of a yellow butterfly as my Facebook profile picture. I looked at it Thursday and was immediately filled with anger. I mean truely pissed off filled with anger. I guess I was having a pity party. I know JD is loved and cared for in heaven. I know he was sent to me for just a short time for a reason, but my heart still hurts that he's not here with me to love on. When all that anger struck all I could think was all I have are some damn yellow butterflies to remind me of my sweet precious boy! Of course, the next day, a yellow butterfly about collided with my face while I was walking off the playground! I guess JD was showing me a thing or two, huh? (Which I am grateful for the yellow butterflies!)
I love both of my children and am proud to be their mom. I am thankful for what they have taught me.
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
51 Days...
Dear Lord,
Please give me the strength to make it through the next 51 days. Please take care of our precious baby girl and help her to continue to grow strong and healthy. I promise Lord that if given the chance to be parents to a live baby, we will do everything in our power to raise her us to know you and give her the life she deserves. Thank you for the past 7+ months with Jadie Kate. Thank you for my wonderful husband who has been so supportive. Thank you for our family and friends who have been right by our side through this rollercoaster ride of joy and heartache.
Love,
J
Please give me the strength to make it through the next 51 days. Please take care of our precious baby girl and help her to continue to grow strong and healthy. I promise Lord that if given the chance to be parents to a live baby, we will do everything in our power to raise her us to know you and give her the life she deserves. Thank you for the past 7+ months with Jadie Kate. Thank you for my wonderful husband who has been so supportive. Thank you for our family and friends who have been right by our side through this rollercoaster ride of joy and heartache.
Love,
J
To My Children...
Wow, just typing the title and I am overwhelmed with love and tears. Who'd have thought when Josh and I first started trying to have children back in March 2010 that in a little over a year and a half later, I'd have two children! Man, has my life changed. My priorities are different for sure. The way I love the people in my life is sure different from way back when. I am so thankful for my babies.
Dear JD,
Thank for making me a mom. Thank you for helping me to see life in a whole different light. While my heart hurts that you are not here with me on earth, I know that you are in heaven being well taken care of by alot of people who love you. I feel your presence everyday and for that, my sweet boy, I am grateful. I can't wait for your baby sister to get here so that I can tell her all about you.
Love,
Momma
Dear Jadie Kate,
In less than 52 days you should be here with us. I can't tell you how many days and nights I have prayed for your safe arrival. I am so thankful to your big brother who has been watching over you over the past 8 months. Please continue to grow and get stronger. I promise that I will do the very best I can to take care of you and love you. Both you and JD are so blessed to have a great daddy and so many people who love and care about you.
Love you,
Mommy
Dear JD,
Thank for making me a mom. Thank you for helping me to see life in a whole different light. While my heart hurts that you are not here with me on earth, I know that you are in heaven being well taken care of by alot of people who love you. I feel your presence everyday and for that, my sweet boy, I am grateful. I can't wait for your baby sister to get here so that I can tell her all about you.
Love,
Momma
Dear Jadie Kate,
In less than 52 days you should be here with us. I can't tell you how many days and nights I have prayed for your safe arrival. I am so thankful to your big brother who has been watching over you over the past 8 months. Please continue to grow and get stronger. I promise that I will do the very best I can to take care of you and love you. Both you and JD are so blessed to have a great daddy and so many people who love and care about you.
Love you,
Mommy
Monday, August 29, 2011
1st Baby Shower Since JD
So, I went to my first baby shower since JD, yesterday. Its funny how the body reacts to stress. I had to force myself to go. I layed around all morning battling a headache and fatigue. Both, I'm sure brought on by stressing over the baby shower. Nevertheless, I went and it was ok. I wonder if it was ok because I'm pregnant again or because she had a baby girl (baby came five weeks early, so she was at the shower, lol!) I don't know why it was ok. I don't care. I need to stop analyzing things and just live for the moment.
Of course as soon as I got home I broke out the doppler and listened to Jadie Kate's heartbeat. Thank God for that thing! Its the best investment we've made by far!
Alot of people said I would probably relax after I got past the 25 week mark. They were wrong! My anxiety is at an all time high. I am so thankful for the past 30 weeks but I still pray constantly for the next 8.5 weeks to hurry and come and leave my sweet baby girl alive for me to hold.
Of course as soon as I got home I broke out the doppler and listened to Jadie Kate's heartbeat. Thank God for that thing! Its the best investment we've made by far!
Alot of people said I would probably relax after I got past the 25 week mark. They were wrong! My anxiety is at an all time high. I am so thankful for the past 30 weeks but I still pray constantly for the next 8.5 weeks to hurry and come and leave my sweet baby girl alive for me to hold.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
JD's First Birthday
Not sure why I'm lying here crying and pondering JD's first birthday. It's still about 6 weeks away! I guess it's the planner in me. If he were here with me in earth I'd already have a theme picked out. His birthday shirt would be ordered, etc. Instead,I'm trying to figure a way to have some sort of memorial for him without freaking people out. I want to do something to honor him & send thanks to friends & family who have supported us through this difficult time. Im just not sure what to do exactly. Maybe I'll take a picture of all the things people have given us & make a collage thank you card. I think I'm going to get some balloons to send to heaven too. October 13th is the Walk to Remember. I will definitely be there for that. I just want my sweet boy to know he is loved!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
29 weeks and counting
I am so thankful for week 29 but I am also a basketcase. I'm constantly secondguessing myself. Jadie Kate's heartbeat continues to be strong but I'm always fearful when I don't feel her move. I also worry because I don't think her movements are as strong as they should be. Lord, please let 39 weeks come and allow us to deliver a healthy live baby girl!
Another Butterfly Earned Her Wings
Some friends of ours lost their sweet baby girl this past Tuesday. Katie Grace was 25 weeks. My heart aches for them. I really have no words to say. I just wish I could take their pain away. KG's momma called me yesterday and asked me to come over so we could talk. So I did. I hope she will call me anytime.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
Praying, Praying, Praying
Tomorrow I go in for the one hour gestational diabetes test. Yuck! I am so nervous. I have waited until the last possible minute to have it done because I am so scared. I had this test done with JD on a Thursday and the next day, I found out he was gone. I know the test didn't do it, but the thought lingers in my mind. Fortunately, I have a doctor's appointment after the test so hopefully that will give me some reassurance. If not, I will just have to take another visit to triage!
Josh made another comment today about getting pregnant right away after Jadie Kate is born. Right now, all I can focus on is Jadie Kate. I am soooooooooooo thankful for her and all the prayers. I am thankful for my sweet JD and it melts my heart to know that my husband wants more children but right now, all I can do is think about the baby I am carrying right now. Selfish? Maybe...
I am counting down the days until her arrival. Besides wanting to marry Josh, I have never wanted something so badly in my whole life. I want to be a mom. I'm not sure that I have ever prayed so hard for something either. Well, its 11:40pm and 6:30am will be here before we know it...
Josh made another comment today about getting pregnant right away after Jadie Kate is born. Right now, all I can focus on is Jadie Kate. I am soooooooooooo thankful for her and all the prayers. I am thankful for my sweet JD and it melts my heart to know that my husband wants more children but right now, all I can do is think about the baby I am carrying right now. Selfish? Maybe...
I am counting down the days until her arrival. Besides wanting to marry Josh, I have never wanted something so badly in my whole life. I want to be a mom. I'm not sure that I have ever prayed so hard for something either. Well, its 11:40pm and 6:30am will be here before we know it...
Is This Your First?
I met my sister and some of our friends at the pool yesterday. We had a great time relaxing and watching all the kiddos swim. As I was leaving, Molly introduced me to this lady. Molly told her I was her sister and I was expecting a baby girl in early November. The lady congratulated me and asked me if this was my first. I normally don't lie but today I just couldn't do it. So I said yes. I wanted to say, yes, my first live child. Hopefully, she is my first live child. She is my first baby girl.
I felt sort of bad for lying. Like I was ignoring JD. I've been a hot mess these past few weeks and I just didn't want to get into my situation with a complete stranger. Molly called me later and told me that she explained what had happened to the lady. The funny thing is, the lady went onto to tell Molly that she too had lost a son and completely understood! Its funny, because I sort of got that vibe when I talking to the lady and she said, " I once had a son in late September..."
I felt sort of bad for lying. Like I was ignoring JD. I've been a hot mess these past few weeks and I just didn't want to get into my situation with a complete stranger. Molly called me later and told me that she explained what had happened to the lady. The funny thing is, the lady went onto to tell Molly that she too had lost a son and completely understood! Its funny, because I sort of got that vibe when I talking to the lady and she said, " I once had a son in late September..."
Our Sweet Baby Girl!
This past Tuesday we had 4D Ultra Sound pics taken of Miss Jadie Kate. I think they turned out pretty good for the most part. She didn't shoot any birds this time but she did cover her face alot and stick out her tongue. I can't wait to meet my feisty little princess in person!
I remember posting shortly after JD died about how my views on ultrasounds had changed. I used to enjoy getting them to see who he looked liked. This time around they are a part of the survival process of being pregnant (i.e. checking for fluid, movement, growth, etc.) I tried really hard at this appointment to be a "normal" mom and enjoy the 4D process. I studied her little chin and nose. I looked in awe at her sweet fingers and toes. It wasn't easy but I did it. I couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness because I never got to see my sweet boy in 4D. Even when he was born, I couldn't tell who he looked like because of the trauma to his face during his birth. In my mind, I picture him looking just like Josh. I will have to hold that memory close to me. I am so thankful I have what little pictures I do have of him. We know he had my daddy's long skinny fingers and Josh's feet. I believe he would have been a big boy. For a baby who supposedly stopped growing at 22 weeks, he weighed that of a 25 weeker.
I have decided that when I have those twinges of guilt/sadness for my perfect JD, I have to turn it around and enjoy every moment with Jadie Kate twice as much. Once for her and once for JD. I believe he understands. I truly believe my little butterfly is watching over us and keeping his baby sister safe so that she can help us with the hurt we feel over his loss.
As for Jadie Kate's ultra sound... apparently our spunky little girl is also the spitting image of her daddy! She has his nose, chin and feet. I could tell he was so proud looking at the pictures. I think as far as momma goes, our princess has my attitude and fiestiness! That's fine by me. She has long legs, arms and fingers. Jadie Kate is measuring within the normal limits for her age but she is in the 39th percentile. I'm trying not to worry. I figure she is part Register/Tucker. She will catch up, lol!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Found a Gray Hair
Is it any wonder that I found a gray hair today? By the time Jadie Kate arrives, I'm sure I will have a head full of gray hair, if I have any hair at all! While I was getting ready for work this morning I decided to check Jadie Kate's heart rate before I left. 105 was the highest I could get. I panicked and made a bee-line for my OB's office. The nurse told me to go straight to triage, so I did. By the time I was sent back to be checked out my blood pressure was 144/111. The CMA (I think that's the correct title) that took me back wanted to "reassure" me by checking Jadie Kate's HR herself. She says, "Now honey this usually doesn't pick up a HR unless you are at least 27 weeks, but we'll give it a try anyway." (Nevermind my blood pressure is already through the roof because I'm already freakin' out but I'm also only 25 weeks 5 days and I'm well over 200 pounds so common sense would tell you that the damn thing wasn't going to pick up her heart rate!) Of course, it didn't pick it up. A nurse came in about 5 minutes later and uses a regular doppler and finds her right away. I asked her what the HR is and she says, "Oh, this one doesn't tell the rate, but it sounds really good to me." All I could think was, "My God, I have died and gone to hell! And hell really is full of idiots!" She then tells me to lay on my side too see if my blood pressure goes down and wait for the on call OB to come have a look. We waited for about an hour and finally the nurse comes back and says that he said to go back to my OB's office and get an ultrasound because he is still in the middle of a delivery. So, Josh and I head back over to the OB's office and get an ultrasound. Praise God! Jadie Kate's heart rate was 157 and she was rolling all around and waving. The US tech showed us how JK is turning her body away from the doppler when she hears it so it muffles the heart rate! Only my child! I believe we are going to have our hands full. Thank the Lord she has her big brother up in heaven looking out for her! (She's doing somersaults in my belly as I'm typing!) 13 weeks to go!
Monday, July 25, 2011
25 weeks and counting!
I thought making it to the 25th week would bring me peace of mind. I guess, in a way, it did but on the other hand, there's still this lingering feeling that anything can happen. I know I need to let go and let God handle this. Being the control freak that I am, its quite difficult to do this.
I'm seriously thinking about going on medication after Jadie Kate is born. I'll wait and see if things get better but I have people tell me it won't. I'll just find more things to worry about.
We rented a doppler back in June and let me tell you, its the best $40 a month investment we could have made. Not only can you hear the heartbeat, but it tells you the beats per minute. I am also feeling her move more and more so that is reassuring as well.
I officially go back to work on August 11th. I've been spending a day or two here and there working in my classroom for the past couple of weeks though. There is so much to do to get ready. I'm anxious about that too. I'm not sure why. Its not like this is my first rodeo. I guess I just want November 3rd to be here so I can relax a little bit. Maybe going back to work will help the time go by faster.
Doctor McKinnie will induce me at 39 weeks if I want her to, so it looks like my due date will be October 27th. I'm all for it. Now, our next decision is whether or not to induce or go the C-section route. As of now, we really have no physical reason to go the C-section route. Mentally, I want one because I believe its the fastest, safest way to have my baby girl in my arms. We have 12+ weeks to decide, so in the meantime I am going to pray about it and see what happens. Jadie Kate seems to have a mind of her own, so she may very well make that decision for us, lol!
The emotions I feel these days are none like I've ever had before. Well, I guess I've had them, just not all at once. I am missing my JD, but comforted to know that he is still here in spirit. He reassures me daily by sending me a butterfly or some other sign. I have so much love for Josh these days. He is so patient with me and tries so hard. Good things really do come to those who wait, lol! Which makes me grateful that we have a forgiving God who despite some of the stupid things I've done in my life, He led me here to all of this happiness. Then, there is the excitement and out of control feelings I have for Jadie Kate. I am so thankful for the chance to possibly be a mom to a live, screaming baby. I guess all of these emotions explain why there are times I just burst into tears for no apparent reason, huh?
I'm seriously thinking about going on medication after Jadie Kate is born. I'll wait and see if things get better but I have people tell me it won't. I'll just find more things to worry about.
We rented a doppler back in June and let me tell you, its the best $40 a month investment we could have made. Not only can you hear the heartbeat, but it tells you the beats per minute. I am also feeling her move more and more so that is reassuring as well.
I officially go back to work on August 11th. I've been spending a day or two here and there working in my classroom for the past couple of weeks though. There is so much to do to get ready. I'm anxious about that too. I'm not sure why. Its not like this is my first rodeo. I guess I just want November 3rd to be here so I can relax a little bit. Maybe going back to work will help the time go by faster.
Doctor McKinnie will induce me at 39 weeks if I want her to, so it looks like my due date will be October 27th. I'm all for it. Now, our next decision is whether or not to induce or go the C-section route. As of now, we really have no physical reason to go the C-section route. Mentally, I want one because I believe its the fastest, safest way to have my baby girl in my arms. We have 12+ weeks to decide, so in the meantime I am going to pray about it and see what happens. Jadie Kate seems to have a mind of her own, so she may very well make that decision for us, lol!
The emotions I feel these days are none like I've ever had before. Well, I guess I've had them, just not all at once. I am missing my JD, but comforted to know that he is still here in spirit. He reassures me daily by sending me a butterfly or some other sign. I have so much love for Josh these days. He is so patient with me and tries so hard. Good things really do come to those who wait, lol! Which makes me grateful that we have a forgiving God who despite some of the stupid things I've done in my life, He led me here to all of this happiness. Then, there is the excitement and out of control feelings I have for Jadie Kate. I am so thankful for the chance to possibly be a mom to a live, screaming baby. I guess all of these emotions explain why there are times I just burst into tears for no apparent reason, huh?
Saturday, July 23, 2011
We Made It!
Yay! This past Thursday made 25 weeks with sweet Jadie Kate. The US tech is estimating she weighs 1 lb 10oz. That's 5oz more than JD. She is measuring on schedule and moving like crazy. While I am so relieved and excited, I can't help but still be cautious with my emotions. Thanks to everyone for the love and support.
I still haven't taken down JD's crib bedding. One day at a time, I guess. I have been really feeling guilty and missing him alot these days. I guess I'm mourning this time lost with him. I just hope he knows how much we love and want him to be apart of our lives.
I registered yesterday for some things for Jadie Kate. I remember registering for JD. I was so excited. I took my mom and my little list and had a great time scanning things. This time, I almost had to distance myself. It was as if I were performing a job on my list of things to do. It's not that important. What's important is having my baby girl here, with me, alive. When I was done registering, I rushed home and listened to the Doppler to make sure her heartbeat was strong.
Thank you God for one more week!
I still haven't taken down JD's crib bedding. One day at a time, I guess. I have been really feeling guilty and missing him alot these days. I guess I'm mourning this time lost with him. I just hope he knows how much we love and want him to be apart of our lives.
I registered yesterday for some things for Jadie Kate. I remember registering for JD. I was so excited. I took my mom and my little list and had a great time scanning things. This time, I almost had to distance myself. It was as if I were performing a job on my list of things to do. It's not that important. What's important is having my baby girl here, with me, alive. When I was done registering, I rushed home and listened to the Doppler to make sure her heartbeat was strong.
Thank you God for one more week!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Scared, Hopeful, & Crazy
This Thursday, we will be 25 weeks pregnant with Jadie Kate. That's two days away. I am on a rollercoaster of emotions right now. I am hopeful that she lives but I can't also help but think that we could be saying goodbye. These days, when I feel out of control I bake, cakes mainly. Tonight I pulled a can of frosting from the cabinet and burst into tears when I read the label. Rainbow frosting. I didn't even think about it when I bought the frosting. So, here I am praying that this rainbow frosting is a good sign that everything is going to be ok with Jadie Kate. Call me crazy...
Friday, July 08, 2011
Nine months ago today, we found out our baby boy had no heartbeat. Nine months ago today, our world came crashing down. Nine months ago today, I seriously thought I was going to die with him. But here I am, nine months later, still alive, trying to make sense of my crazy world. I can honestly say I believe in prayer and I am eternally grateful for the prayers and support we have received from our family and friends.
I was looking at our wedding pictures the other day and had to laugh. I have changed so much since that day. I remember thinking how fat I was on my wedding day. I remember worrying that our guests would freeze and that the food would run out.
Then I look forward at my wedding pictures. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. I had everyone I loved (even those in Heaven) surrounding me on our special day. I was marrying the most wonderful man in the world and I truly felt like a princess. It's funny how things change your perspective.
I no longer worry about my weight or what people will think of my house. Perhaps I'm rambling, but today is a day for rambling. It's a day to remember how blessed I am and how truly thankful I am for what I have. Thank you, JD for helping me become the personI am today. Momma loves you!
I was looking at our wedding pictures the other day and had to laugh. I have changed so much since that day. I remember thinking how fat I was on my wedding day. I remember worrying that our guests would freeze and that the food would run out.
Then I look forward at my wedding pictures. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. I had everyone I loved (even those in Heaven) surrounding me on our special day. I was marrying the most wonderful man in the world and I truly felt like a princess. It's funny how things change your perspective.
I no longer worry about my weight or what people will think of my house. Perhaps I'm rambling, but today is a day for rambling. It's a day to remember how blessed I am and how truly thankful I am for what I have. Thank you, JD for helping me become the personI am today. Momma loves you!
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Faith, Hope & Courage
That's the motto around the Register household these days.
I am currently 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Jadie Kate's heartbeat is strong and she appears to be measuring on time. I have plenty of amniotic fluid and as far as the doctors can tell, the placenta appears to be healthy. My TSH is within normal limits and my thyroid antibodies aren't nearly as elevated as they were with JD. TMI for the common reader I suppose, but putting it down in word, gives me a visual to look at, to give me that HOPE I am looking for.
I've met alot of wonderful people along my journey. As I approach the 25 week mark (16 days to go!)I am comforted to know family, friends and even people I don't even know are praying for us. Because of this I have the COURAGE to continue on my journey.
As for FAITH, I have put my faith in God. I pray without ceasing. I am so thankful for this second chance. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up at 4am and prayed.
I put a post on Facebook the other day about being nauseated. It wasn't pregnancy related nausea, but of course someone assumed it was. (I know when I put things on Facebook, I open myself up to unwanted comments, so I shouldn't get annoyed.) Some lady commented that I needed to praise God in the midst of my nausea. I wanted to tell her a few things but instead I'm venting here. There isn't an hour in the day that goes by that I don't thank God for what I have!
I try really hard to practice my new motto but with each week and each doctor's appointment, I feel like its going to be my last. I caught myself looking at micro preemie clothing the other day,so that if something happens like last time, I won't have to have my friends run out in a hurry and get something.
I am itching to register for my baby showers but I am fearful that if I do, something bad will happen. I felt like a sneak the other day when I went online and started a registry. I'm going to wait until week 30 or so and go into the store to do it.
On a lighter note, we got to have a 4D ultra sound of Miss Priss today. She is already shooting birds! That figures...
I am currently 22 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Jadie Kate's heartbeat is strong and she appears to be measuring on time. I have plenty of amniotic fluid and as far as the doctors can tell, the placenta appears to be healthy. My TSH is within normal limits and my thyroid antibodies aren't nearly as elevated as they were with JD. TMI for the common reader I suppose, but putting it down in word, gives me a visual to look at, to give me that HOPE I am looking for.
I've met alot of wonderful people along my journey. As I approach the 25 week mark (16 days to go!)I am comforted to know family, friends and even people I don't even know are praying for us. Because of this I have the COURAGE to continue on my journey.
As for FAITH, I have put my faith in God. I pray without ceasing. I am so thankful for this second chance. I can't tell you how many times I've woken up at 4am and prayed.
I put a post on Facebook the other day about being nauseated. It wasn't pregnancy related nausea, but of course someone assumed it was. (I know when I put things on Facebook, I open myself up to unwanted comments, so I shouldn't get annoyed.) Some lady commented that I needed to praise God in the midst of my nausea. I wanted to tell her a few things but instead I'm venting here. There isn't an hour in the day that goes by that I don't thank God for what I have!
I try really hard to practice my new motto but with each week and each doctor's appointment, I feel like its going to be my last. I caught myself looking at micro preemie clothing the other day,so that if something happens like last time, I won't have to have my friends run out in a hurry and get something.
I am itching to register for my baby showers but I am fearful that if I do, something bad will happen. I felt like a sneak the other day when I went online and started a registry. I'm going to wait until week 30 or so and go into the store to do it.
On a lighter note, we got to have a 4D ultra sound of Miss Priss today. She is already shooting birds! That figures...
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Ramblings of a Crazy Baby Loss Momma/Rainbow Momma To Be...
I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions these days. There's this part of me that still mourns JD. Then, one part of me is elated with joy to be expecting Jadie-Kate. Finally, there's this other part of me who fears losing her too. Poor Josh... he tries so hard to help me with it all but I feel bad for him.
People have already began giving me things for the new baby. Its bittersweet. I am grateful that people are validating my sweet baby girl but I'm also fearful that she won't make it.
While I want to re-paint and pick out new bedding, I'm also scared.
I broke down and rented a doppler. This one tells the heartbeats per minute. I've had it for three days now. It seems to help a little bit.
We went to a cookout last night. There were about 3 or 4 first time preggo women there. I wanted to run when I noticed them. I guess I wasn't expecting them. There are so many of our friends who are pregnant right now. I am happy for them and pray that everything goes well, but its hard for me to be around them. Call me selfish, but I don't want to hear about their heartburn, sleepless nights or cravings. I don't want them asking me about those things either. As I said in an earlier post, I want to crawl in a cave and hibernate until I have my live, healthy baby girl in my arms.
Its funny too because they were all talking about how they wanted to keep their baby's safe inside them for as long as possible, even it meant going past 40 weeks! I just sat there in silence. I don't feel like my baby is safe. I don't trust my body to take care of her. I want her OUT as soon as she is considered full term. The sooner, the better.
I didn't realize just how emotionally draining "faking it," can be. Josh is patient with me but I don't think he really understands when I say I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go. People are so well-meaning, they are always asking me how I'm doing. If I don't feel comfortable telling them the truth, I usually just smile and say, "good." No one, especially not other expecting mothers, want to know that I wake up in a panic at 1:00am in the morning praying for a healthy placenta or that when I'm driving down the road to an OB appointment I am crying in fear that it will be my last appointment.
I try really hard to see God's purpose/plan for losing JD and I think I understand. Because of JD, I appreciate things I didn't before. I take time to smell the roses and just sit and chat. Because of my sweet butterfly, I hope to be a better mother to Jadie-Kate, but for some reason, I was so angry last night. Angry that because of my loss, I am fearful of losing my precious baby girl. Angry because I am already looking at urns and preemie outfits for her (morbid and sick, I know!) Last night I just broke down. I was sick to my stomach and had a horrible headache from crying so hard that finally I just prayed, "LORD, I give up! I am putting this in your hands!" (something I should have done a LONG time ago!)
I am thankful for my firstborn son and hopeful for my secondborn baby girl. 23 weeks to go!
People have already began giving me things for the new baby. Its bittersweet. I am grateful that people are validating my sweet baby girl but I'm also fearful that she won't make it.
While I want to re-paint and pick out new bedding, I'm also scared.
I broke down and rented a doppler. This one tells the heartbeats per minute. I've had it for three days now. It seems to help a little bit.
We went to a cookout last night. There were about 3 or 4 first time preggo women there. I wanted to run when I noticed them. I guess I wasn't expecting them. There are so many of our friends who are pregnant right now. I am happy for them and pray that everything goes well, but its hard for me to be around them. Call me selfish, but I don't want to hear about their heartburn, sleepless nights or cravings. I don't want them asking me about those things either. As I said in an earlier post, I want to crawl in a cave and hibernate until I have my live, healthy baby girl in my arms.
Its funny too because they were all talking about how they wanted to keep their baby's safe inside them for as long as possible, even it meant going past 40 weeks! I just sat there in silence. I don't feel like my baby is safe. I don't trust my body to take care of her. I want her OUT as soon as she is considered full term. The sooner, the better.
I didn't realize just how emotionally draining "faking it," can be. Josh is patient with me but I don't think he really understands when I say I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go. People are so well-meaning, they are always asking me how I'm doing. If I don't feel comfortable telling them the truth, I usually just smile and say, "good." No one, especially not other expecting mothers, want to know that I wake up in a panic at 1:00am in the morning praying for a healthy placenta or that when I'm driving down the road to an OB appointment I am crying in fear that it will be my last appointment.
I try really hard to see God's purpose/plan for losing JD and I think I understand. Because of JD, I appreciate things I didn't before. I take time to smell the roses and just sit and chat. Because of my sweet butterfly, I hope to be a better mother to Jadie-Kate, but for some reason, I was so angry last night. Angry that because of my loss, I am fearful of losing my precious baby girl. Angry because I am already looking at urns and preemie outfits for her (morbid and sick, I know!) Last night I just broke down. I was sick to my stomach and had a horrible headache from crying so hard that finally I just prayed, "LORD, I give up! I am putting this in your hands!" (something I should have done a LONG time ago!)
I am thankful for my firstborn son and hopeful for my secondborn baby girl. 23 weeks to go!
17 weeks 3 days
The 12 week scan went great! Heartbeat is strong, placenta looks good, & the statistics for Downs, Cystic Fibrosis and Spina Bifida are very low.
I found out at 16 weeks we are having a girl! I am overjoyed. Of course, I would have been just as happy with a boy. I just want a healthy baby.
We are going to name her Jadie Kate. I've always loved the name Jadie. I have a friend who's daughter is named Jadie and she is a sweet, insightful young lady who holds a special place in my heart. Kate is short for Katurah, Josh's mom's middle name.
It took us a while to determine Jadie Kate is indeed a girl. She is quite busy already. I am beginning to feel her moving. With JD it felt more like flutters. With Jadie Kate its more like thumps! I think she is going to be fiesty. I hope she is... I want her to be strong and determined. I want to see her beautiful face come November 3rd.
I think Josh is excited about having a baby girl. He's already calling her princess and has decided to repaint the baby's room. It's hard to call it Jadie Kate's room. For so long it was JD's room. So, Josh and I have been calling it the baby's room.
I'm having a hard time packing JD's things away. I know he never actually wore any of the clothes or shoes nor did he sleep in his crib, but I guess packing all of these things away finalizes things. I mean, I know JD is gone...
I found out at 16 weeks we are having a girl! I am overjoyed. Of course, I would have been just as happy with a boy. I just want a healthy baby.
We are going to name her Jadie Kate. I've always loved the name Jadie. I have a friend who's daughter is named Jadie and she is a sweet, insightful young lady who holds a special place in my heart. Kate is short for Katurah, Josh's mom's middle name.
It took us a while to determine Jadie Kate is indeed a girl. She is quite busy already. I am beginning to feel her moving. With JD it felt more like flutters. With Jadie Kate its more like thumps! I think she is going to be fiesty. I hope she is... I want her to be strong and determined. I want to see her beautiful face come November 3rd.
I think Josh is excited about having a baby girl. He's already calling her princess and has decided to repaint the baby's room. It's hard to call it Jadie Kate's room. For so long it was JD's room. So, Josh and I have been calling it the baby's room.
I'm having a hard time packing JD's things away. I know he never actually wore any of the clothes or shoes nor did he sleep in his crib, but I guess packing all of these things away finalizes things. I mean, I know JD is gone...
Mother's Day
Mother's day was tough. It actually hit me harder than I thought it would. I grieved the loss of JD while prayed in fear of losing this baby. Josh bought me a beautiful angel figurine holding a butterfly with a poem enscribed on it. It was sweet.
I woke up with a terrible sinus cold so I didn't join in our family's festivities. I just slept. I'm not sure if that was my body's way of avoiding the day or what but that's what I did.
I'm finding it hard to enjoy anything these days. I try really hard to take things one day at a time, but there are days I wish I could be a bear and hibernate until this baby is born.
I woke up with a terrible sinus cold so I didn't join in our family's festivities. I just slept. I'm not sure if that was my body's way of avoiding the day or what but that's what I did.
I'm finding it hard to enjoy anything these days. I try really hard to take things one day at a time, but there are days I wish I could be a bear and hibernate until this baby is born.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
12 week scan
Whew, we've made it this far...Each week I feel like we have celebrated a great victory.
We go Monday for our 12 week scan. I'm beginning to notice a pattern right before our doctor's appointments. A few days before one, I go into panic mode. I cry for no apparent reason and become incredibly anxious. I prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. I build up a wall and then once I hear the heartbeat I relax a bit and cry tears of joy.
I guess I do this because with JD we had no warning signs. We were blindsighted.
Anyway, as Jessica used to tell my niece Kayleigh, "two more sleeps until we find out if all is well with Baby R."
We go Monday for our 12 week scan. I'm beginning to notice a pattern right before our doctor's appointments. A few days before one, I go into panic mode. I cry for no apparent reason and become incredibly anxious. I prepare myself for the worst and hope for the best. I build up a wall and then once I hear the heartbeat I relax a bit and cry tears of joy.
I guess I do this because with JD we had no warning signs. We were blindsighted.
Anyway, as Jessica used to tell my niece Kayleigh, "two more sleeps until we find out if all is well with Baby R."
Pregnancy After a Loss...
Disclaimer: while I've never been on trial for a crime, this is my analogy...
For me...Pregnancy after a loss is alot like being on trial for a crime you didn't commit. You wait and wait in hopes that fate finds you "not-guilty" and pray that the end result is a live healthy baby. And, because you already feel "guilty until proven innocent," you have to talk yourself into believing that, despite your loss, you are indeed a good mom and worthy of another child.
For me...Pregnancy after a loss is alot like being on trial for a crime you didn't commit. You wait and wait in hopes that fate finds you "not-guilty" and pray that the end result is a live healthy baby. And, because you already feel "guilty until proven innocent," you have to talk yourself into believing that, despite your loss, you are indeed a good mom and worthy of another child.
The Story of the Butterfly and the Rainbow
This was actually written on March 21st...
Three weeks ago yesterday Josh and I discovered we were pregnant again. The day before our one year anniversary, a little less than five months after the loss of JD we were given a second chance. Baby R. is tentatively scheduled to arrive on November 3rd. One week and two days before Josh's 31st birthday.
I am entitling this entry the butterfly and the rainbow in hopes that one day, I can turn this into a book. I may not sell the book for my future children. I want my future children to know about their big brother JD and the influence he had on their upbringing.
JD is the butterfly and Baby R is the rainbow. Hopefully, Baby R will cooperate and we will know the sex of him or her in about 10 weeks. Right now, we are looking at Samuel David or Katelyn Marie. We aren't sure though. With JD, we both knew right away that he was going to be a boy. I "felt" it and Josh "knew" it. We are both going back and forth with this baby. We don't really care the sex. We just want a healthy, live baby to bring home from the hospital.
I can't explain the mixed emotions I felt when I took the pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant again. I was overjoyed, fearful and yet hopeful...all at the same time. There are days when these emotions overlap. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I am so grateful for this second-chance. I have put my faith in the Lord and now all I can do is wait. I am going to blog to help relieve some of the helplessness I am feeling. I can't believe its only been three weeks. It feels like forever.
We have already had two ultrasounds! We had one at 5 weeks and one today at 7 and a half weeks. We heard a heartbeat today! Dr. McKinney is being very gracious to us by letting us come every two weeks. She is also going to do an ultrasound everytime. Of course it doesn't cost her anything so why shouldn't she, right? To keep from losing my mind, I need these two week visits. I'm not sure whats going to happen when I get to 25 weeks...
One week before I found I was pregnant, my hives came back! I haven't had hives in ten years and wouldn't you know it...they have resurfaced! I am back on Prednisone. I have gained 10 pounds already but feel like a beached whale. My face and chest are both swollen but the good news is, I don't have any hives and my thyroid antibodies have lowered. My OB says that I am on a pretty low dose so it shouldn't affect the baby. I hope not!
We haven't told many people yet that we are pregnant. I'm not sure why. I guess we fear if something happens, we will have to tell people. Its not like we could have hid what happened to JD. I was 25 weeks pregnant! I have told a handful of my closest friends and family because I need the prayer warriors. I believe in prayer!
I bought the book 'Pregnancy After Loss.' It has been really helpful. The book suggests trying to stay positive and focused on the end result. I am trying to visualize my squirming, screaming red bundle of joy. I am trying to stay positive but I can't help to be cautious about my optimism. However, I feel like this baby deserves just as much excitement as JD.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I feared I would forget JD or people would think he was being replaced. That is NOT the case. I talk to JD everyday. I am thankful for him. Because of JD, I have a greater appreciation for our little rainbow. JD has made me more aware of the beauty that is around me. He has taught me to not sweat the small stuff. I am so proud of my first-born and I pray that my little butterfly will lead us to our rainbow.
Three weeks ago yesterday Josh and I discovered we were pregnant again. The day before our one year anniversary, a little less than five months after the loss of JD we were given a second chance. Baby R. is tentatively scheduled to arrive on November 3rd. One week and two days before Josh's 31st birthday.
I am entitling this entry the butterfly and the rainbow in hopes that one day, I can turn this into a book. I may not sell the book for my future children. I want my future children to know about their big brother JD and the influence he had on their upbringing.
JD is the butterfly and Baby R is the rainbow. Hopefully, Baby R will cooperate and we will know the sex of him or her in about 10 weeks. Right now, we are looking at Samuel David or Katelyn Marie. We aren't sure though. With JD, we both knew right away that he was going to be a boy. I "felt" it and Josh "knew" it. We are both going back and forth with this baby. We don't really care the sex. We just want a healthy, live baby to bring home from the hospital.
I can't explain the mixed emotions I felt when I took the pregnancy test and discovered I was pregnant again. I was overjoyed, fearful and yet hopeful...all at the same time. There are days when these emotions overlap. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster. I am so grateful for this second-chance. I have put my faith in the Lord and now all I can do is wait. I am going to blog to help relieve some of the helplessness I am feeling. I can't believe its only been three weeks. It feels like forever.
We have already had two ultrasounds! We had one at 5 weeks and one today at 7 and a half weeks. We heard a heartbeat today! Dr. McKinney is being very gracious to us by letting us come every two weeks. She is also going to do an ultrasound everytime. Of course it doesn't cost her anything so why shouldn't she, right? To keep from losing my mind, I need these two week visits. I'm not sure whats going to happen when I get to 25 weeks...
One week before I found I was pregnant, my hives came back! I haven't had hives in ten years and wouldn't you know it...they have resurfaced! I am back on Prednisone. I have gained 10 pounds already but feel like a beached whale. My face and chest are both swollen but the good news is, I don't have any hives and my thyroid antibodies have lowered. My OB says that I am on a pretty low dose so it shouldn't affect the baby. I hope not!
We haven't told many people yet that we are pregnant. I'm not sure why. I guess we fear if something happens, we will have to tell people. Its not like we could have hid what happened to JD. I was 25 weeks pregnant! I have told a handful of my closest friends and family because I need the prayer warriors. I believe in prayer!
I bought the book 'Pregnancy After Loss.' It has been really helpful. The book suggests trying to stay positive and focused on the end result. I am trying to visualize my squirming, screaming red bundle of joy. I am trying to stay positive but I can't help to be cautious about my optimism. However, I feel like this baby deserves just as much excitement as JD.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I feared I would forget JD or people would think he was being replaced. That is NOT the case. I talk to JD everyday. I am thankful for him. Because of JD, I have a greater appreciation for our little rainbow. JD has made me more aware of the beauty that is around me. He has taught me to not sweat the small stuff. I am so proud of my first-born and I pray that my little butterfly will lead us to our rainbow.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
5 Months Ago Today
Five months ago today I said hello and goodbye to my sweet angel baby, JD. Where has the time gone? I can't believe its been so long ago. I was driving home from work today feeling empty and sad. I couldn't quite place why since those days seem to be fewer and far between lately. Then I remembered that today was March 10th. JD was born on October 10th. Five months ago today... Here is a letter I wrote for him.
Dear JD,
You have taught me how to walk to the edge, listen to my heart and live with no regrets. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. Thank you for making me the person I am today.
Love,
Mommy
While I am sad to not have my sweet angel here physically, I know he is here in spirit. I know he is my guardian angel who is going to protect his little brothers and sisters one day. I drive to work each morning and play the song 'Godspeed,' by the Dixie Chicks. Call me corny or cheesy but its my way of reminding JD just how much I love him. I can't hold him or rock him but I can send him love through 'Godspeed,' if that makes sense. The other day I was listening to the radio and a song by Rascal Flatts came on called 'I Won't Let Go.' Its a comforting song that makes me think of JD and reminds me that he is still very much apart of who I am.
Dear JD,
You have taught me how to walk to the edge, listen to my heart and live with no regrets. Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. Thank you for making me the person I am today.
Love,
Mommy
While I am sad to not have my sweet angel here physically, I know he is here in spirit. I know he is my guardian angel who is going to protect his little brothers and sisters one day. I drive to work each morning and play the song 'Godspeed,' by the Dixie Chicks. Call me corny or cheesy but its my way of reminding JD just how much I love him. I can't hold him or rock him but I can send him love through 'Godspeed,' if that makes sense. The other day I was listening to the radio and a song by Rascal Flatts came on called 'I Won't Let Go.' Its a comforting song that makes me think of JD and reminds me that he is still very much apart of who I am.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
There Are No Words
'There are no words' seems to be a theme these days. A dear friend of ours lost his wife last Wednesday in a car accident. Wendy Jackson was/is a wonderful person who always made you feel welcomed. She always had a smile. Wendy leaves behind her husband Jimbo and two daughters Ashley and Allie.
I am bitter.
Josh cried throughout most of the funeral while I sat there feeling hard and cold. Now mind you, I mourned Wendy's loss but I was just so bitter.
I know that by no means do I have the right to question God or his plans but all I could do was sit there angry. Why did He have to take such a wonderful person, mother, friend?
This led me to start thinking about JD. Why was he taken so soon? Why is that God allows crackheads (excuse my free speech there) to spit out multiple kiddos but yet loving caring people who WANT to be parents struggle?
I am frustrated.
Maybe one day I'll understand...
I am bitter.
Josh cried throughout most of the funeral while I sat there feeling hard and cold. Now mind you, I mourned Wendy's loss but I was just so bitter.
I know that by no means do I have the right to question God or his plans but all I could do was sit there angry. Why did He have to take such a wonderful person, mother, friend?
This led me to start thinking about JD. Why was he taken so soon? Why is that God allows crackheads (excuse my free speech there) to spit out multiple kiddos but yet loving caring people who WANT to be parents struggle?
I am frustrated.
Maybe one day I'll understand...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Feeling Blaagh...
I swear to Sweet Jesus that every woman at work is pregnant right now. Well, everyone but me and two other women who desperately want a baby... sorry, I digressed.
Every now and again I'll hear them talking about the ultrasound pictures and who's chin or ears the baby has. I'll admit it, I did the same thing. I couldn't wait to have an ultrasound. I'm hopin' if there is a next time, I will have ultrasounds more often. But next time, I won't be oohing and ahhing over the baby's nose or chin. Next time, I'll be looking at things like the placenta, amniotic fluid and the cord.
I pray that God gives us the chance to be parents. If He doesn't see fit for us to birth the kiddos ourselves, then we will go the foster-to-adopt route. Not that this route is any easier, I know it comes with a lot a pain, sweat and tears too. At this point, however, if Josh didn't want to try having another baby so badly, I'd of already thrown in the towel and gone forward with plan B.
Maybe its hormones, not sure. I just feel a little blaagh tonight! Guess I shouldn't have posted so many positive things on Sunday, lol!
On a more positive note, today was beautiful! The sun was shining and the air was dry. It was gorgeous.
Every now and again I'll hear them talking about the ultrasound pictures and who's chin or ears the baby has. I'll admit it, I did the same thing. I couldn't wait to have an ultrasound. I'm hopin' if there is a next time, I will have ultrasounds more often. But next time, I won't be oohing and ahhing over the baby's nose or chin. Next time, I'll be looking at things like the placenta, amniotic fluid and the cord.
I pray that God gives us the chance to be parents. If He doesn't see fit for us to birth the kiddos ourselves, then we will go the foster-to-adopt route. Not that this route is any easier, I know it comes with a lot a pain, sweat and tears too. At this point, however, if Josh didn't want to try having another baby so badly, I'd of already thrown in the towel and gone forward with plan B.
Maybe its hormones, not sure. I just feel a little blaagh tonight! Guess I shouldn't have posted so many positive things on Sunday, lol!
On a more positive note, today was beautiful! The sun was shining and the air was dry. It was gorgeous.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
My New Normal
***Warning!!! Trish, I'm stealing your title!!!*** My new normal entails taking each day moment by moment. It means finally realizing that after 34 years, I am in control of NOTHING!!! It means dealing with the look of regret in a stranger's eyes when they ask you if you have any kids and you say yes, one in heaven. (I'm not going to lie about being a mom and when you ask something like that you are opening yourself up to anything!)My new normal involves taking time to relax and enjoy little things like birds chirping, rainbows, sunshine and children's laughter. My new normal includes activities like baking, cooking, and crafts to fill the time that was supposed to be spent rocking, feeding, and holding my angel baby. Finally, my new normal is holding onto every memory I have of my sweet baby boy and trying to make myself believe that I was a good mother to him and did the best I could. (I'm getting there!)
Never Enough
So, I mentioned in my last post that I wrote a poem for JD. Molly, my sister ordered me a necklace charm that has his footprints on them. I wear it everyday. (I've learned from this experience that a butterfly is a symbol used for early loss.)Everywhere I look I see butterfly stuff. Maybe because spring is on its way, I'm not sure. All I know is that I've never noticed it before. Anyway, I want to buy everything I see. I don't, but I want to. I finally framed the picture of our hands and Josh hung it in our bedroom. I have a picture of JD's handprint in a frame on our bar in the kitchen.
Its funny how no matter what I do or others do for me to validate JD, its just never enough. Now mind you, I am ETERNALLY grateful to EVERYONE for the generosity and loving kindness. That's not what I mean. I guess what I'm getting at is I yearn so badly to have my little boy here with me and all the butterflies in the world will NEVER make up for that loss. I was telling Josh about that the other night. He told me that he agreed but that if seeing a butterfly or buying something with a butterfly on it made me feel better then enjoy it. I love my husband.
I guess I just want JD to know just how much we wanted and loved him. We prayed for him daily. Even while I was puking my guts up driving down the road I thanked God for my precious boy.
I want JD to know that because of his existence, I am a stronger person. I appreciate life and the people in my life. I feel honored to be a mom and can't wait for the opportunity to tell his younger brothers and sisters about him.
Its funny how no matter what I do or others do for me to validate JD, its just never enough. Now mind you, I am ETERNALLY grateful to EVERYONE for the generosity and loving kindness. That's not what I mean. I guess what I'm getting at is I yearn so badly to have my little boy here with me and all the butterflies in the world will NEVER make up for that loss. I was telling Josh about that the other night. He told me that he agreed but that if seeing a butterfly or buying something with a butterfly on it made me feel better then enjoy it. I love my husband.
I guess I just want JD to know just how much we wanted and loved him. We prayed for him daily. Even while I was puking my guts up driving down the road I thanked God for my precious boy.
I want JD to know that because of his existence, I am a stronger person. I appreciate life and the people in my life. I feel honored to be a mom and can't wait for the opportunity to tell his younger brothers and sisters about him.
JD
I found this blog called 'Loving Audry.' Audry's mom makes memorial candles for people who have lost their babies. I think I'm going to try and make one for JD. I wrote this poem to put on there. It goes like this...
Child of God
First Born
Our Butterfly
Mamma's Sweet Boy
Daddy's Little Hunter
JD
Nana & Paw Paw's Angel Baby
Cousin to Noah, Kayleigh, Thomas, Tucker, & Hadley
Nephew
Loved By Many
Our Angel in Heaven
Joshua David Register, JR.
October 10, 2010
Child of God
First Born
Our Butterfly
Mamma's Sweet Boy
Daddy's Little Hunter
JD
Nana & Paw Paw's Angel Baby
Cousin to Noah, Kayleigh, Thomas, Tucker, & Hadley
Nephew
Loved By Many
Our Angel in Heaven
Joshua David Register, JR.
October 10, 2010
Been A While
Its been a while since I posted last. Looking back, I didn't realize just how much I really struggled through the month of January. Heck, who am I kidding... the past four months have been very dark. I am so thankful to my family, friends and wonderful husband who have supported me and carried me through. I know people have been praying for us and we are soooo appreciative.
Special thanks to Wendi and her gang for the beautiful flowers they sent me on my due date. Amber and Carolyn had a vinyl cling of a beautiful butterfly made and I put it on the back of my car in memory of JD.
I finally mustered up the courage to attend a support group for early loss that meets monthly. I think this will be a good thing. I've also been going to Babycenter.com and have joined a number of support groups on there.
I was contacted by Healthy Start a few weeks ago. They asked me to be apart of a research project to help prevent early loss. I agreed. They are going to put JD's name on a quilt. They will carry the quilt in the walk they have in October for Early Loss. I am honored to be apart of the project. I know JD was loved and validated by our family and friends but by taking part in this project, it validates his existence from others in society.
As far as the future goes...still not sure what God has planned for us in regards to being parents. I met with the endo a couple of weeks ago and she pulled up some research related to what the doctors think happened to us. After reading over it, I'm still left dumbfounded... yep, there is a correlation, but the chances of what happened is very rare. So basically we can try again but there are no guarantees. These days, there are no guarantees with anything. I meet with my OB this Friday to make a plan. YOu know me, I'm a planner. I'll be 35 in a few months and I want to have a plan. It only took us 2 tries with JD but I don't know if we will be so lucky the next time.
So, that's where we are at.
Special thanks to Wendi and her gang for the beautiful flowers they sent me on my due date. Amber and Carolyn had a vinyl cling of a beautiful butterfly made and I put it on the back of my car in memory of JD.
I finally mustered up the courage to attend a support group for early loss that meets monthly. I think this will be a good thing. I've also been going to Babycenter.com and have joined a number of support groups on there.
I was contacted by Healthy Start a few weeks ago. They asked me to be apart of a research project to help prevent early loss. I agreed. They are going to put JD's name on a quilt. They will carry the quilt in the walk they have in October for Early Loss. I am honored to be apart of the project. I know JD was loved and validated by our family and friends but by taking part in this project, it validates his existence from others in society.
As far as the future goes...still not sure what God has planned for us in regards to being parents. I met with the endo a couple of weeks ago and she pulled up some research related to what the doctors think happened to us. After reading over it, I'm still left dumbfounded... yep, there is a correlation, but the chances of what happened is very rare. So basically we can try again but there are no guarantees. These days, there are no guarantees with anything. I meet with my OB this Friday to make a plan. YOu know me, I'm a planner. I'll be 35 in a few months and I want to have a plan. It only took us 2 tries with JD but I don't know if we will be so lucky the next time.
So, that's where we are at.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
A Trip To Publix
I went grocery shopping the other day at Publix. The sweet little cashier took his job quite seriously. He opened my carton of eggs and said, "Your eggs look great!" I was having a good day so I almost burst out laughing. Do you know how close I came to saying, "Honey, its not my eggs that are the problem... its my placenta!" I refrained for fear of getting sent to the Looney Bin!
Tomorrow
Tomorrow was supposed to be my due date. I am supposed to be reading the last chapter of 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.' Instead, I am reading 'Tear Soup.'
Welcome to the Club
A friend of mine just found she was pregnant. She waited to make the announcement at work until she told me personally. She didn't want to upset me. I was touched by her thoughtfulness. Two days after telling me she was pregnant, she found out she miscarried. I had no words. Me, who had just been through a similar experience, could not find the right words to say. I remember thinking similar things that well-meaning people told me that I didn't appreciate like, "oh, you can try again," "God has a plan," "hang in there." I asked Josh what to say. He said, "Tell her we love her and are here if she needs us." Perfect!
When you lose a baby, regardless of how far along you are, I truly believe you become apart of this certain club. A club nobody really wants to be apart of, but nevertheless, you are granted a lifetime membership to. A club, that despite how many members, you still feel alone and different. This is a club that despite your wonderful husband's efforts or your best friends' care and concern, they will never be apart of.
When you lose a baby, regardless of how far along you are, I truly believe you become apart of this certain club. A club nobody really wants to be apart of, but nevertheless, you are granted a lifetime membership to. A club, that despite how many members, you still feel alone and different. This is a club that despite your wonderful husband's efforts or your best friends' care and concern, they will never be apart of.
Ramblings of a Post-Partum Grieving Mother
Before losing JD I never really knew what it was like to feel true pain. Sure, I've grieved the loss of loved ones but with time, that grief got easier. Losing JD left a hole in my heart that I don't think will ever close. I am a different person. I can't really describe it in words but lets just say I am different.
I can barely remember life before October 8th, the day we found out JD was gone. I've heard other people say the same thing after a tragedy occurs.
Amber went to visit a parent who's child recently died in a tragic accident. She told me that she was amazed at just well the mother was "holding it together." I remember those days. I read somewhere that often times immediately after a tragedy your body goes into some sort of shock to help you get through that initial horrible time. I remember that shock. Sometimes, I try to remember October 8th, for fear that I will forget JD or the events that led up to his delivery. Then the pain comes back and it hurts...its hurts so badly that I try to keep myself busy by doing other things (i.e. cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.) Avoidance often brings on the guilt and fear. Guilt that there is nothing I can do to bring my boy back and fear that I will forget him.
Deep down, I know I'll never forget him. I wear two charms around my neck in memory of JD. I carried him for six months. I held his lifeless body in my arms.
Not sure where I'm going with this one... I guess this is just the ramblings of a post-partum grief stricken mother.
I can barely remember life before October 8th, the day we found out JD was gone. I've heard other people say the same thing after a tragedy occurs.
Amber went to visit a parent who's child recently died in a tragic accident. She told me that she was amazed at just well the mother was "holding it together." I remember those days. I read somewhere that often times immediately after a tragedy your body goes into some sort of shock to help you get through that initial horrible time. I remember that shock. Sometimes, I try to remember October 8th, for fear that I will forget JD or the events that led up to his delivery. Then the pain comes back and it hurts...its hurts so badly that I try to keep myself busy by doing other things (i.e. cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.) Avoidance often brings on the guilt and fear. Guilt that there is nothing I can do to bring my boy back and fear that I will forget him.
Deep down, I know I'll never forget him. I wear two charms around my neck in memory of JD. I carried him for six months. I held his lifeless body in my arms.
Not sure where I'm going with this one... I guess this is just the ramblings of a post-partum grief stricken mother.
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