1st Baby Shower Since JD

So, I went to my first baby shower since JD, yesterday. Its funny how the body reacts to stress. I had to force myself to go. I layed around all morning battling a headache and fatigue. Both, I'm sure brought on by stressing over the baby shower. Nevertheless, I went and it was ok. I wonder if it was ok because I'm pregnant again or because she had a baby girl (baby came five weeks early, so she was at the shower, lol!) I don't know why it was ok. I don't care. I need to stop analyzing things and just live for the moment.

Of course as soon as I got home I broke out the doppler and listened to Jadie Kate's heartbeat. Thank God for that thing! Its the best investment we've made by far!

Alot of people said I would probably relax after I got past the 25 week mark. They were wrong! My anxiety is at an all time high. I am so thankful for the past 30 weeks but I still pray constantly for the next 8.5 weeks to hurry and come and leave my sweet baby girl alive for me to hold.

JD's First Birthday

Not sure why I'm lying here crying and pondering JD's first birthday. It's still about 6 weeks away! I guess it's the planner in me. If he were here with me in earth I'd already have a theme picked out. His birthday shirt would be ordered, etc. Instead,I'm trying to figure a way to have some sort of memorial for him without freaking people out. I want to do something to honor him & send thanks to friends & family who have supported us through this difficult time. Im just not sure what to do exactly. Maybe I'll take a picture of all the things people have given us & make a collage thank you card. I think I'm going to get some balloons to send to heaven too. October 13th is the Walk to Remember. I will definitely be there for that. I just want my sweet boy to know he is loved!

29 weeks and counting

I am so thankful for week 29 but I am also a basketcase. I'm constantly secondguessing myself. Jadie Kate's heartbeat continues to be strong but I'm always fearful when I don't feel her move. I also worry because I don't think her movements are as strong as they should be. Lord, please let 39 weeks come and allow us to deliver a healthy live baby girl!

Another Butterfly Earned Her Wings

Some friends of ours lost their sweet baby girl this past Tuesday. Katie Grace was 25 weeks. My heart aches for them. I really have no words to say. I just wish I could take their pain away. KG's momma called me yesterday and asked me to come over so we could talk. So I did. I hope she will call me anytime.

Praying, Praying, Praying

Tomorrow I go in for the one hour gestational diabetes test. Yuck! I am so nervous. I have waited until the last possible minute to have it done because I am so scared. I had this test done with JD on a Thursday and the next day, I found out he was gone. I know the test didn't do it, but the thought lingers in my mind. Fortunately, I have a doctor's appointment after the test so hopefully that will give me some reassurance. If not, I will just have to take another visit to triage!

Josh made another comment today about getting pregnant right away after Jadie Kate is born. Right now, all I can focus on is Jadie Kate. I am soooooooooooo thankful for her and all the prayers. I am thankful for my sweet JD and it melts my heart to know that my husband wants more children but right now, all I can do is think about the baby I am carrying right now. Selfish? Maybe...

I am counting down the days until her arrival. Besides wanting to marry Josh, I have never wanted something so badly in my whole life. I want to be a mom. I'm not sure that I have ever prayed so hard for something either. Well, its 11:40pm and 6:30am will be here before we know it...

Is This Your First?

I met my sister and some of our friends at the pool yesterday. We had a great time relaxing and watching all the kiddos swim. As I was leaving, Molly introduced me to this lady. Molly told her I was her sister and I was expecting a baby girl in early November. The lady congratulated me and asked me if this was my first. I normally don't lie but today I just couldn't do it. So I said yes. I wanted to say, yes, my first live child. Hopefully, she is my first live child. She is my first baby girl.

I felt sort of bad for lying. Like I was ignoring JD. I've been a hot mess these past few weeks and I just didn't want to get into my situation with a complete stranger. Molly called me later and told me that she explained what had happened to the lady. The funny thing is, the lady went onto to tell Molly that she too had lost a son and completely understood! Its funny, because I sort of got that vibe when I talking to the lady and she said, " I once had a son in late September..."

Our Sweet Baby Girl!

This past Tuesday we had 4D Ultra Sound pics taken of Miss Jadie Kate. I think they turned out pretty good for the most part. She didn't shoot any birds this time but she did cover her face alot and stick out her tongue. I can't wait to meet my feisty little princess in person!

I remember posting shortly after JD died about how my views on ultrasounds had changed. I used to enjoy getting them to see who he looked liked. This time around they are a part of the survival process of being pregnant (i.e. checking for fluid, movement, growth, etc.) I tried really hard at this appointment to be a "normal" mom and enjoy the 4D process. I studied her little chin and nose. I looked in awe at her sweet fingers and toes. It wasn't easy but I did it. I couldn't help but feel a twinge of sadness because I never got to see my sweet boy in 4D. Even when he was born, I couldn't tell who he looked like because of the trauma to his face during his birth. In my mind, I picture him looking just like Josh. I will have to hold that memory close to me. I am so thankful I have what little pictures I do have of him. We know he had my daddy's long skinny fingers and Josh's feet. I believe he would have been a big boy. For a baby who supposedly stopped growing at 22 weeks, he weighed that of a 25 weeker.

I have decided that when I have those twinges of guilt/sadness for my perfect JD, I have to turn it around and enjoy every moment with Jadie Kate twice as much. Once for her and once for JD. I believe he understands. I truly believe my little butterfly is watching over us and keeping his baby sister safe so that she can help us with the hurt we feel over his loss.

As for Jadie Kate's ultra sound... apparently our spunky little girl is also the spitting image of her daddy! She has his nose, chin and feet. I could tell he was so proud looking at the pictures. I think as far as momma goes, our princess has my attitude and fiestiness! That's fine by me. She has long legs, arms and fingers. Jadie Kate is measuring within the normal limits for her age but she is in the 39th percentile. I'm trying not to worry. I figure she is part Register/Tucker. She will catch up, lol!