F-A-T vs. PHAT?

My neice Kayleigh was over at my house Friday watching me put on make-up to go out. She said, "Aunt Janie, you are so beautiful. I want to be just like you when I grow, just not as fat." Hmmm, how does one reply to a statement like that? I thanked her and told her that she was beautiful too. Of course then I pondered the statement. It didn't hurt my feelings and it didn't make me cry (surprisingly, it didn't.) But it made me realize just how much my life revolves around my weight and just how often I talk about it when Kayleigh is around me. The poor girl has been to Weight Watchers, L.A. Weightloss AND Jenny Craig all with her Aunt J! It also made me think how sad it is that at the young age of 6, she already recognizes that being heavy is not a positive thing in our society.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day about weight-related issues and how it affects my self-esteem in regards to dating. She mentioned that until I felt comfortable in my own skin it would be hard for me to find someone. I totally agree. I know that I am a beautiful person, but I do NOT like being heavy. Let's face it, the majority of men don't like heavy women.

I know some people reading this blog are probably thinking, "well if you don't like being fat, then get off your lazy butt and do something about it." I'm not writing this to get responses from people telling me that I'm pretty or how to exercise. I know what I need to do lose weight. I'm just writing this b/c its been on my mind alot lately and when Kayleigh made that comment I thought now would be good time to write about it. I'm not sure where I'm going with this entry either. The bottom line is I love food. I enjoy eating with family and friends. I love sweets, especially cakes from Publix! I have realized however that I do use food as a crutch and that's not good. I don't like to exercise. For one, that means I have to wear unflattering work out clothes and get my hair messed up. Second, I hate to sweat. Third, I don't care what anybody says, exercise hurts. I'm not one for pain. Don't worry, I also know that diabetes, heart disease and high blood pressure runs in my family. I try hard to stay active and walk as much as I can. I'm just not consistent.

So, I guess I'm wondering, where is a happy medium? I don't want to look like Jabba the Hut, but I'll never be a size 8 either. For one day I'd love to eat and not look down at my stomach only to realize it sticks out farther than my boobs (nice image, huh?)I guess I'm the only one with the answers. I'm going to try to love me, ALL of me, and treat my body with the care it deserves, while eating my Publix cake, too! If I happen to lose a few pounds, great, if not, oh well, as long as I'm healthy. Oh yeah, last night on 'Oxygen,' Monique sponsored a beauty pageant for large women. It was great! Thanks Monique!