34 Weeks & The Yellow Butterflies

We made it to 34 weeks! Praise the Lord!!!!!!!!!!! I'm officially scheduled for a C-section on October 27th at 12:30pm. Jadie Kate is still breech and with the difficulties I had last time with JD my OB suggested a c-section. I'm relieved. I feel like I have mentally labored for a long time and when d-day comes I just want my girl in my arms. I don't want to labor for hours and worry about what might happen. Its surreal though. I can not tell you just how thankful I am to have made it this far and in the back of my mind I want to believe that this time everything is going to be ok. Of course, there's this little part of me that says, "Don't get too excited. It ain't over yet."

I had my first baby shower on the 10th of September and I have another one today. I'm not as anxious today as I was on the 10th, so we shall see. I went to L&D to visit a friend of mine who was being induced. I almost threw up walking down the hall to her room, but nevertheless, I am still here and still pregnant.

Its funny how a person can put stuff out of their minds but its not really gone for good. There are parts of October 8, 2010, I can remember like it was yesterday. The emotions. I have never felt so empty, low, devastated and angry. JD's first birthday is in a little over 3 weeks. I have a picture of a yellow butterfly as my Facebook profile picture. I looked at it Thursday and was immediately filled with anger. I mean truely pissed off filled with anger. I guess I was having a pity party. I know JD is loved and cared for in heaven. I know he was sent to me for just a short time for a reason, but my heart still hurts that he's not here with me to love on. When all that anger struck all I could think was all I have are some damn yellow butterflies to remind me of my sweet precious boy! Of course, the next day, a yellow butterfly about collided with my face while I was walking off the playground! I guess JD was showing me a thing or two, huh? (Which I am grateful for the yellow butterflies!)

I love both of my children and am proud to be their mom. I am thankful for what they have taught me.

51 Days...

Dear Lord,
Please give me the strength to make it through the next 51 days. Please take care of our precious baby girl and help her to continue to grow strong and healthy. I promise Lord that if given the chance to be parents to a live baby, we will do everything in our power to raise her us to know you and give her the life she deserves. Thank you for the past 7+ months with Jadie Kate. Thank you for my wonderful husband who has been so supportive. Thank you for our family and friends who have been right by our side through this rollercoaster ride of joy and heartache.
Love,
J

To My Children...

Wow, just typing the title and I am overwhelmed with love and tears. Who'd have thought when Josh and I first started trying to have children back in March 2010 that in a little over a year and a half later, I'd have two children! Man, has my life changed. My priorities are different for sure. The way I love the people in my life is sure different from way back when. I am so thankful for my babies.

Dear JD,
Thank for making me a mom. Thank you for helping me to see life in a whole different light. While my heart hurts that you are not here with me on earth, I know that you are in heaven being well taken care of by alot of people who love you. I feel your presence everyday and for that, my sweet boy, I am grateful. I can't wait for your baby sister to get here so that I can tell her all about you.
Love,
Momma

Dear Jadie Kate,
In less than 52 days you should be here with us. I can't tell you how many days and nights I have prayed for your safe arrival. I am so thankful to your big brother who has been watching over you over the past 8 months. Please continue to grow and get stronger. I promise that I will do the very best I can to take care of you and love you. Both you and JD are so blessed to have a great daddy and so many people who love and care about you.
Love you,
Mommy