I've always had anxiety, but this anxiety I'm feeling right now is unbelieveable. I am not sleeping through the night, which makes it worse. When I do wake up, I'm in a panic to check Jadie Kate's heartbeat because either a)she isn't moving enough or b)she's moving too much. I was at a point last night to where even Josh was anxious and asked me if I wanted to go to triage. I felt so stupid. What would I say when I got there? I'm not having any pain. Her movement is good. For once, even in the midst of a so-called panic attack, my blood pressure was only like 133/98, which for me is normal these days. I finally fell asleep around 1:00am but alas its 3:30am and I'm awake. I've got a head cold thats making it way to my chest so I finally broke down and took some Robitussin.
I'm not trying to complain. I am so thankful for this baby girl. I am grateful for all the prayers and support from family and friends. I am so happy to have made it this far. I know that I have an amazing support system in Josh.
People keep trying to reassure me by telling me we are in the clear. I will NEVER be in the clear. I will have somewhat more control once Jadie Kate is in my arms but I will never be totally at ease. One friend of ours was telling me how she's at a point now that in an emergency the doctors can have her out in a matter of minutes and she'd be fine. I know that, but what if there aren't enough minutes. Unless you've experienced the loss I've gone through as a mother, you can't possibly understand. I had no warning. I had no clue that my precious baby had died inside of me. How, as a mother, did I not know that my baby boy was in trouble? I'm not going to beat myself up over it.
I'm scheduled for a c-section for this Thursday, October 20th, but I have my weekly biophysical profile on Monday. I think after that appointment I'm going over to my OBs office and just see if they can bump me up to Tuesday. I know its only two days but after tonight's episode, that's a lifetime for me.
Lord, please give me the strength to get to Monday.
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2 comments:
How did it go? You don't know me, but I've been following your blog for a few months now. I have been a nervous wreck and been praying for you. Hope all is well. You deserve it!
Oh boy... Another reader who knows you only in blog land. I keep checking and no new post... am getting anxious. Hope you will update soon... Praying all is well.
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