This too, shall pass...

So, I realized that today marks one whole year since I moved back from West Palm Beach. I guess I should no longer use the phrase, "I just recently moved back." I miss my friends and family "down south" but I know that this move back was the best thing for me.

Its 3:30am and I should probably be sleeping but since I fell asleep at around 7pm last night I'm just not that tired. No, I'm not depressed, just exhausted. Still catching up from the weekend, I guess. I went out with a group of friends Friday night and we didn't get home until around 3am Saturday morning. I then got up and drove my mom to the airport in Jacksonville. I now realize why I don't go out more often. For one, drinking totally messes up my diet and exercise regime, not to mention the fact that my intestines still feel like they are somewhere up around my boobs. (I know, not a pretty picture!) This isn't a 'feel sorry for Janie entry', just me rambling about why its NOT healthy for me to go out and drink like a fish out of water! For those of you who are wondering, I don't do this on a regular basis, the last time was in November. I have a great friend who has an adorable little girl with special needs. Her little girl eats using a g-tube. Anytime she gets sick, her digestive tract gets out of whack and lets just say, "it ain't pretty." After reading Trish's updates on Makily, I no longer feel sorry for myself.

So last Thursday was my last day on my Effexor. Geez, its been a whole week! The withdrawal effects have NOT been fun but overall I feel positive about going off of it. That could be another reason why I've been feeling crummy. Not depressed crummy, just physically crummy. The first couple of nights off of it, I had the most vivid dreams that left me feeling exhausted the next day. You know, if I'm going to have dreams involving running, I should at least be able to lose some weight from them! I've been terribly nauseated but that could just be my postnasal drip. Although I haven't felt sick from that in quite some time. I've also been getting those heart races, for lack of a better term. Sorry my grammar isn't the greatest this time of morning! Tuesday night as I was waiting to meet a friend for dinner two phrases came to mind: "that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger," and "there's light at the end of the tunnel." All in all I feel positive about this situation. If, once the physical symptoms wear off and I'm feeling depressed, I'll contact my doctor and get a different med. I just want to try life without it for a while. I feel like my self-esteem is much better than it used to be and I've got a lot of great tools in my bag.

You know, I was thinking back to when I first got on "meds," 7 years ago. It makes me sad looking back on why I think I started taking them. My mom got married and moved to GA. to live with her husband and my sister moved to LA to live with her now husband. Coming from a co-dependent emeshed family, I was devastated. I had nobody to take care of and to top it off, I felt totally abandoned. So, I cried. I cried all the time. I was ashamed of the crying but I was more ashamed to ask for help. You know, back then, I thought only crazy people needed therapy. So, as a quick fix, I started taking anti-depressants. I've grown alot in the past 7 years. It makes me sad to think about the reason for going on meds. The humor in all of it is that even at the highest dose of effexor, zoloft, celexa, (not all at one time of course!) I still cried! You know why I cried? Because, that's what some people do to deal with emotions. I have since come to know the difference between clinical depression and your typical "I'm broke, fat, lonely this-to-shall-pass" depression. Well, its almost 4am and I should get some sleep. Take Care!