My Mom

I really wish I knew how to post pictures on here now! I can't figure it out. I have the sweetest picture of my mother holding JD the night of his arrival/departure. My mother doesn't smile much in pictures and she often tenses up. This picture is priceless. She looks radiant, relaxed and in awe of my sweet angel baby. As I've mentioned before I often feel guilty because I didn't hold JD for very long after his birth but I am so grateful to the people that did, especially my mom. She even insisted on dressing him in his "going home" outfit. "Going home" outfit, hrm, I meant that sarcastically and then thought about it. He did go HOME. He's an angel now. Josh and I can honestly say we have one perfect child, lol! Anyway, I'm rambling...

So, growing up my mom was never into ribbons, bows or the latest trends. She was very protective of us, at the time, I thought she was controlling. Now, as a mom, I totally get her! Growing up, there was one thing you could always count on from my mom... unconditional love. You could tell her anything. She might get pissed but she would come around and you knew that everything would be ok. Many years ago, she told me that she prayed every night for Molly and I to find good husbands. Her prayers were heard. To this day, I am in awe over that prayer.

So, the point to this entry... Mom went to Disney with Molly, Eric and their kiddos last week. She was standing in the elevator holding Tucker and Thomas was latched on to her leg. This man in the elevator smiles at her and asks if those were her grandchildren and did she have any more. She said yes. She has one more in Heaven. My heart melted when my sister told me that story.

Just Wondering

I've heard moms of second babies wonder before baby number 2 comes how they could possible love that baby as much as they love their first born. Then, once they hold baby number 2 all that wonder goes away. I'm not even pregnant yet, but I use to wonder that myself. One day I went to sit down at the computer and looked up and saw a picture of Josh when he was about 2 years old. My heart melted. Seeing that picture reminded me of his mom, Debbie. I never had the chance to meet her but from what I hear she loved her babies. I know by the way Josh treats me that he was definitely loved by his mother. (As I've mentioned before, Josh has an older brother was stillborn, so technically, Josh isn't the firstborn.) So, to answer my question, yep, I will definitely love baby number 2 as much as I love my angel JD. Now, we just have to pray for baby number 2.

Pain

Its funny how my heart aches so badly for someone I never really knew. Yes, I carried JD inside of me for 6 months. I felt him kick but I never actually heard my son cry or felt the rise and fall of his chest. I have never hurt so badly in my whole life. I have never felt so totally out of control. I am miserable, angry and just plain pissed. My heart physically hurts. My doctor prescribed Lexapro for me to take.I am angered that I may have to take medication for something I had no say in. (I haven't taken it because I want to try and get pregnant again.) Then when I think about getting pregnant again, I am filled with fear. I am so afraid this will happen again. I feel so responsible for what happened. I was JD's mother. I was supposed to protect him. I failed my child.

Not So Helpful Things To Say...

I'm sure I've said some of these things before so I'm just as guilty as the next person but in hopes that I don't make the same mistake twice, I'm blogging some 'not-so-helpful-things' to say to someone who has lost a baby:

1. God has a plan/It was God's will. I'm a Christian but you may as well have said, "F*@K Yourself." Whatever the plan is, right now I just feel like I've been "F*@cked over!"

2. You will have many more children. How the hell do I know if I'll have more children? It may not be "God's plan." Maybe my body can't handle another baby or maybe this will happen again. NOBODY KNOWS!!!!!!!!! The only person that can say this is my mom and when she says it, she doesn't incenuate that I'll birth the children myself. She always finishes the sentence with, "someway or another you will be a mom." I love my mother!

3. You sure had a long vacation. Five weeks sitting at home aside from the two d&c's and 20 days on antibiotics IS NOT a vacation!

4. How are you feeling? I know people mean well but come on? How do you think I feel? I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I use sarcasm and wit to cover it up but deep down, I feel like a load of crap!

5. You look great! Bullcrap! I have dark circles under my eyes, my boobs sag down to my stomach, my hips will NEVER be the same again AND I have nothing to show for it.

6. You didn't feel the baby stop moving? First off, I was only 25 weeks pregnant and he was my first baby. The stupid pregnancy books say you don't really start feeling the baby move until week 28. Second, fat girls don't feel them move until sometimes later than that! Third, have you met my husband? He is the most laidback, mildmannered person you will ever meet. I just figured his kid was the same way.

7. This one takes the cake... Granny isn't going to be around much longer. She had a dream about your baby. He's being taken care of in heaven. That is all fine and good but I don't want someone else taking care of my baby! I want my baby.

Ok, so I'm probably hurting people's feelings by blogging this. So, not my intentions. Like I've said before, I KNOW I've said the same things but today was just one of those days where my heart ached soooo bad that I had to let it out.

The Results Are In

So, we got the news last Wednesday about what the doctors think caused JD's death. It wasn't chromosomal. They are chalking it up to a bad placenta. Hrmmm, the same placenta that malnourished my son is the same placenta that is causing infection inside my body and won't release itself! Tell me the irony in all of this, please?

I remember sobbing sighs of relief when Dr. McKinnie told us it wasn't chromosomal. My worst fear was that she was going to tell us we had something genetically wrong and shouldn't try to have more babies. Then I spent the next few days seriously pissed at her words. She told us we had a "healthy baby boy who died from placenta complications." I HAD a healthy baby boy. A HEALTHY baby boy. Sorry... I had to vent.

Not sure where I'm going with this entry. There so many things I want to write but can't. Maybe next time...

I do know that the main thing that gives me hope these days is the thought of trying to have another baby. I admit, it scares the crap out of me, but its also that tiny ray of light at the end of the tunnel too. Another baby will not replace my JD, nor do I want him or her to. I want my sweet angel to know how much I love him and that I am proud to be called his mother.

The Days of the Week

I've met several wonderful people on this new journey I'm on. One friend in particular asked me if there was a certain day of the week that was toughest for me. I thought about her question. Its funny because its not just one day. Its alot of days. Thursdays hurt because that's the day my pregnancy week changed and I knew I was that much closer to meeting my beautiful baby boy face to face. Fridays stink because thats the day we discovered no heartbeat and that JD was gone. and well, Sundays...Sundays are just bitter sweet. Sunday is the day we delivered JD... the day we got to hold our little angel for the first time and say goodbye all in one day.

So, that pretty much leaves Monday through Wednesday and of course Saturday. As of right now, those days are pretty well...shitty too. I am trying NOT to wallow in self-pitty but this is my blog and so I'm wallowing.