Ramblings of a Post-Partum Grieving Mother

Before losing JD I never really knew what it was like to feel true pain. Sure, I've grieved the loss of loved ones but with time, that grief got easier. Losing JD left a hole in my heart that I don't think will ever close. I am a different person. I can't really describe it in words but lets just say I am different.

I can barely remember life before October 8th, the day we found out JD was gone. I've heard other people say the same thing after a tragedy occurs.

Amber went to visit a parent who's child recently died in a tragic accident. She told me that she was amazed at just well the mother was "holding it together." I remember those days. I read somewhere that often times immediately after a tragedy your body goes into some sort of shock to help you get through that initial horrible time. I remember that shock. Sometimes, I try to remember October 8th, for fear that I will forget JD or the events that led up to his delivery. Then the pain comes back and it hurts...its hurts so badly that I try to keep myself busy by doing other things (i.e. cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc.) Avoidance often brings on the guilt and fear. Guilt that there is nothing I can do to bring my boy back and fear that I will forget him.

Deep down, I know I'll never forget him. I wear two charms around my neck in memory of JD. I carried him for six months. I held his lifeless body in my arms.

Not sure where I'm going with this one... I guess this is just the ramblings of a post-partum grief stricken mother.