'There are no words' seems to be a theme these days. A dear friend of ours lost his wife last Wednesday in a car accident. Wendy Jackson was/is a wonderful person who always made you feel welcomed. She always had a smile. Wendy leaves behind her husband Jimbo and two daughters Ashley and Allie.
I am bitter.
Josh cried throughout most of the funeral while I sat there feeling hard and cold. Now mind you, I mourned Wendy's loss but I was just so bitter.
I know that by no means do I have the right to question God or his plans but all I could do was sit there angry. Why did He have to take such a wonderful person, mother, friend?
This led me to start thinking about JD. Why was he taken so soon? Why is that God allows crackheads (excuse my free speech there) to spit out multiple kiddos but yet loving caring people who WANT to be parents struggle?
I am frustrated.
Maybe one day I'll understand...
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Feeling Blaagh...
I swear to Sweet Jesus that every woman at work is pregnant right now. Well, everyone but me and two other women who desperately want a baby... sorry, I digressed.
Every now and again I'll hear them talking about the ultrasound pictures and who's chin or ears the baby has. I'll admit it, I did the same thing. I couldn't wait to have an ultrasound. I'm hopin' if there is a next time, I will have ultrasounds more often. But next time, I won't be oohing and ahhing over the baby's nose or chin. Next time, I'll be looking at things like the placenta, amniotic fluid and the cord.
I pray that God gives us the chance to be parents. If He doesn't see fit for us to birth the kiddos ourselves, then we will go the foster-to-adopt route. Not that this route is any easier, I know it comes with a lot a pain, sweat and tears too. At this point, however, if Josh didn't want to try having another baby so badly, I'd of already thrown in the towel and gone forward with plan B.
Maybe its hormones, not sure. I just feel a little blaagh tonight! Guess I shouldn't have posted so many positive things on Sunday, lol!
On a more positive note, today was beautiful! The sun was shining and the air was dry. It was gorgeous.
Every now and again I'll hear them talking about the ultrasound pictures and who's chin or ears the baby has. I'll admit it, I did the same thing. I couldn't wait to have an ultrasound. I'm hopin' if there is a next time, I will have ultrasounds more often. But next time, I won't be oohing and ahhing over the baby's nose or chin. Next time, I'll be looking at things like the placenta, amniotic fluid and the cord.
I pray that God gives us the chance to be parents. If He doesn't see fit for us to birth the kiddos ourselves, then we will go the foster-to-adopt route. Not that this route is any easier, I know it comes with a lot a pain, sweat and tears too. At this point, however, if Josh didn't want to try having another baby so badly, I'd of already thrown in the towel and gone forward with plan B.
Maybe its hormones, not sure. I just feel a little blaagh tonight! Guess I shouldn't have posted so many positive things on Sunday, lol!
On a more positive note, today was beautiful! The sun was shining and the air was dry. It was gorgeous.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
My New Normal
***Warning!!! Trish, I'm stealing your title!!!*** My new normal entails taking each day moment by moment. It means finally realizing that after 34 years, I am in control of NOTHING!!! It means dealing with the look of regret in a stranger's eyes when they ask you if you have any kids and you say yes, one in heaven. (I'm not going to lie about being a mom and when you ask something like that you are opening yourself up to anything!)My new normal involves taking time to relax and enjoy little things like birds chirping, rainbows, sunshine and children's laughter. My new normal includes activities like baking, cooking, and crafts to fill the time that was supposed to be spent rocking, feeding, and holding my angel baby. Finally, my new normal is holding onto every memory I have of my sweet baby boy and trying to make myself believe that I was a good mother to him and did the best I could. (I'm getting there!)
Never Enough
So, I mentioned in my last post that I wrote a poem for JD. Molly, my sister ordered me a necklace charm that has his footprints on them. I wear it everyday. (I've learned from this experience that a butterfly is a symbol used for early loss.)Everywhere I look I see butterfly stuff. Maybe because spring is on its way, I'm not sure. All I know is that I've never noticed it before. Anyway, I want to buy everything I see. I don't, but I want to. I finally framed the picture of our hands and Josh hung it in our bedroom. I have a picture of JD's handprint in a frame on our bar in the kitchen.
Its funny how no matter what I do or others do for me to validate JD, its just never enough. Now mind you, I am ETERNALLY grateful to EVERYONE for the generosity and loving kindness. That's not what I mean. I guess what I'm getting at is I yearn so badly to have my little boy here with me and all the butterflies in the world will NEVER make up for that loss. I was telling Josh about that the other night. He told me that he agreed but that if seeing a butterfly or buying something with a butterfly on it made me feel better then enjoy it. I love my husband.
I guess I just want JD to know just how much we wanted and loved him. We prayed for him daily. Even while I was puking my guts up driving down the road I thanked God for my precious boy.
I want JD to know that because of his existence, I am a stronger person. I appreciate life and the people in my life. I feel honored to be a mom and can't wait for the opportunity to tell his younger brothers and sisters about him.
Its funny how no matter what I do or others do for me to validate JD, its just never enough. Now mind you, I am ETERNALLY grateful to EVERYONE for the generosity and loving kindness. That's not what I mean. I guess what I'm getting at is I yearn so badly to have my little boy here with me and all the butterflies in the world will NEVER make up for that loss. I was telling Josh about that the other night. He told me that he agreed but that if seeing a butterfly or buying something with a butterfly on it made me feel better then enjoy it. I love my husband.
I guess I just want JD to know just how much we wanted and loved him. We prayed for him daily. Even while I was puking my guts up driving down the road I thanked God for my precious boy.
I want JD to know that because of his existence, I am a stronger person. I appreciate life and the people in my life. I feel honored to be a mom and can't wait for the opportunity to tell his younger brothers and sisters about him.
JD
I found this blog called 'Loving Audry.' Audry's mom makes memorial candles for people who have lost their babies. I think I'm going to try and make one for JD. I wrote this poem to put on there. It goes like this...
Child of God
First Born
Our Butterfly
Mamma's Sweet Boy
Daddy's Little Hunter
JD
Nana & Paw Paw's Angel Baby
Cousin to Noah, Kayleigh, Thomas, Tucker, & Hadley
Nephew
Loved By Many
Our Angel in Heaven
Joshua David Register, JR.
October 10, 2010
Child of God
First Born
Our Butterfly
Mamma's Sweet Boy
Daddy's Little Hunter
JD
Nana & Paw Paw's Angel Baby
Cousin to Noah, Kayleigh, Thomas, Tucker, & Hadley
Nephew
Loved By Many
Our Angel in Heaven
Joshua David Register, JR.
October 10, 2010
Been A While
Its been a while since I posted last. Looking back, I didn't realize just how much I really struggled through the month of January. Heck, who am I kidding... the past four months have been very dark. I am so thankful to my family, friends and wonderful husband who have supported me and carried me through. I know people have been praying for us and we are soooo appreciative.
Special thanks to Wendi and her gang for the beautiful flowers they sent me on my due date. Amber and Carolyn had a vinyl cling of a beautiful butterfly made and I put it on the back of my car in memory of JD.
I finally mustered up the courage to attend a support group for early loss that meets monthly. I think this will be a good thing. I've also been going to Babycenter.com and have joined a number of support groups on there.
I was contacted by Healthy Start a few weeks ago. They asked me to be apart of a research project to help prevent early loss. I agreed. They are going to put JD's name on a quilt. They will carry the quilt in the walk they have in October for Early Loss. I am honored to be apart of the project. I know JD was loved and validated by our family and friends but by taking part in this project, it validates his existence from others in society.
As far as the future goes...still not sure what God has planned for us in regards to being parents. I met with the endo a couple of weeks ago and she pulled up some research related to what the doctors think happened to us. After reading over it, I'm still left dumbfounded... yep, there is a correlation, but the chances of what happened is very rare. So basically we can try again but there are no guarantees. These days, there are no guarantees with anything. I meet with my OB this Friday to make a plan. YOu know me, I'm a planner. I'll be 35 in a few months and I want to have a plan. It only took us 2 tries with JD but I don't know if we will be so lucky the next time.
So, that's where we are at.
Special thanks to Wendi and her gang for the beautiful flowers they sent me on my due date. Amber and Carolyn had a vinyl cling of a beautiful butterfly made and I put it on the back of my car in memory of JD.
I finally mustered up the courage to attend a support group for early loss that meets monthly. I think this will be a good thing. I've also been going to Babycenter.com and have joined a number of support groups on there.
I was contacted by Healthy Start a few weeks ago. They asked me to be apart of a research project to help prevent early loss. I agreed. They are going to put JD's name on a quilt. They will carry the quilt in the walk they have in October for Early Loss. I am honored to be apart of the project. I know JD was loved and validated by our family and friends but by taking part in this project, it validates his existence from others in society.
As far as the future goes...still not sure what God has planned for us in regards to being parents. I met with the endo a couple of weeks ago and she pulled up some research related to what the doctors think happened to us. After reading over it, I'm still left dumbfounded... yep, there is a correlation, but the chances of what happened is very rare. So basically we can try again but there are no guarantees. These days, there are no guarantees with anything. I meet with my OB this Friday to make a plan. YOu know me, I'm a planner. I'll be 35 in a few months and I want to have a plan. It only took us 2 tries with JD but I don't know if we will be so lucky the next time.
So, that's where we are at.
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