I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride of emotions these days. There's this part of me that still mourns JD. Then, one part of me is elated with joy to be expecting Jadie-Kate. Finally, there's this other part of me who fears losing her too. Poor Josh... he tries so hard to help me with it all but I feel bad for him.
People have already began giving me things for the new baby. Its bittersweet. I am grateful that people are validating my sweet baby girl but I'm also fearful that she won't make it.
While I want to re-paint and pick out new bedding, I'm also scared.
I broke down and rented a doppler. This one tells the heartbeats per minute. I've had it for three days now. It seems to help a little bit.
We went to a cookout last night. There were about 3 or 4 first time preggo women there. I wanted to run when I noticed them. I guess I wasn't expecting them. There are so many of our friends who are pregnant right now. I am happy for them and pray that everything goes well, but its hard for me to be around them. Call me selfish, but I don't want to hear about their heartburn, sleepless nights or cravings. I don't want them asking me about those things either. As I said in an earlier post, I want to crawl in a cave and hibernate until I have my live, healthy baby girl in my arms.
Its funny too because they were all talking about how they wanted to keep their baby's safe inside them for as long as possible, even it meant going past 40 weeks! I just sat there in silence. I don't feel like my baby is safe. I don't trust my body to take care of her. I want her OUT as soon as she is considered full term. The sooner, the better.
I didn't realize just how emotionally draining "faking it," can be. Josh is patient with me but I don't think he really understands when I say I'm ready to go, I'm ready to go. People are so well-meaning, they are always asking me how I'm doing. If I don't feel comfortable telling them the truth, I usually just smile and say, "good." No one, especially not other expecting mothers, want to know that I wake up in a panic at 1:00am in the morning praying for a healthy placenta or that when I'm driving down the road to an OB appointment I am crying in fear that it will be my last appointment.
I try really hard to see God's purpose/plan for losing JD and I think I understand. Because of JD, I appreciate things I didn't before. I take time to smell the roses and just sit and chat. Because of my sweet butterfly, I hope to be a better mother to Jadie-Kate, but for some reason, I was so angry last night. Angry that because of my loss, I am fearful of losing my precious baby girl. Angry because I am already looking at urns and preemie outfits for her (morbid and sick, I know!) Last night I just broke down. I was sick to my stomach and had a horrible headache from crying so hard that finally I just prayed, "LORD, I give up! I am putting this in your hands!" (something I should have done a LONG time ago!)
I am thankful for my firstborn son and hopeful for my secondborn baby girl. 23 weeks to go!
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