Inside my head

I don't know if its this way for all people with generalized anxiety but for me it can be really exhausting. I was thinking about it the other day and discovered that if I'm not worry about something, I'm feeling guilty for not worrying! I'm always on guard waiting for something. Not necessarily something bad but just anticipating the unknown. I don't like these feelings. The good news is I have begun to recognize times when I'm not having these anxious moments. I am learning to soak up these moments in hopes to generalize them.

An example... this weekend. I had planned to spend Sunday working in my classroom. There' s nothing urgent there that needs to be done but I just wanted to clean and change out some toys. So Saturday I kept thinking how I really didn't want to go and if I went then that meant my Sunday routine would be out of wack, but if I didn't go then it would mean I'd have that much more to do on Monday. Can you see how this can be tiring and over something really unimportant?

It's 6:00 am Monday morning and if I go back to bed, I can get another hour's worth of sleep! Bye!

It's now Wednesday night and I'm trying to finish this blog.
Another one I face daily... is worrying about making someone angry. You know, its one thing to actually do it, apologize and move on. Its another to stew over it. An example... this past Friday, I was late to work. I didn't call in but I had been sick the day before so I figured if I was a few minutes late they know why. My boss met me at my classroom. She wasn't angry with me, she just reminded me that if I'm going to be late to call. No big deal, right? Not for Janie. NO, I obsessed over the whole day. There are other issues but if I share too many you'll know all my secrets. Well, I'm tired. I need to go! Bye!

Mickey moved back to Disney!

Update on the the rat situation... I think we found the culprit. I don't know what I'd do without my mom and stepdad. I called them on Tuesday afternoon as I was rushing out the door to teach my evening class to tell them that I smelled something bad in my kitchen but I couldn't find where it was coming from. My stepdad came over after work and found one dead rat in the trap. I feel kind of bad typing it but those little cheeseheads (ha ha literally) have caused me so much grief. knock on wood, since Tuesday, I haven't heard or seen any evidence that there are more rats anywhere in my house. Keep your fingers crossed.

Picture It...

You know, I love my job but it sure is exhausting. The other morning as I was showering I realized I washed my hair with my shower gel! Good thing the Preparation H is kept AWAY from the toothpaste! Just kidding, I fortunately don't have to use PH just yet.

Picture it... 18 three and four year olds all of whom have some type of developmental delay with two teachers in a room without a bathroom! Half of our little friends aren't completely potty trained so that means when they gotta go, they gotta go! This year, I've heard several comments that my co-teacher and I have the most neediest class they have ever seen. Gee, go figure??? I have one who is a runner, who is on the low end of the autism spectrum. You know, he screams for what he wants because he can't talk. He still uses a sippy cup and is NOT potty trained. My other most challenging little guy is developmentally at about an 18 month old level. He is in diapers and doesn't seem to respond when you call his name to go somewhere. Our other 16 friends vary from time to time in their developmental age so there are days when it looks like I 'm teaching a bunch of people who are bi-polar.

I'm not complaining, just setting the stage... the funny thing is, despite all our bi-polar behaviors (me included sometimes!), I think I'm where I belong. I love getting hugs and being able to make a boo-boo better just by kissing it. I love it when my friend with autism grabs my hand asking me to swing him. Its exciting to see a child try to make the first letter of their name.

So, I guess it frustrates me when we have the county's most precious resources and nothing is being done to help them. 18 kids with special needs is way TOO many for two teachers to do an effective job. Valuable teaching time is wasted going back and forth to the bathroom. Most of our walkways aren't covered and due to construction, the children have to walk in the rain to get places. We have the most beautiful gym and can't use it because its where the county stores chemicals! My co-teacher and I bring bottled water from home each day to give to the children because the water in our classroom smells like sewer water. Don't get me started on field trips! There's no money in the budget for that. The list goes on and on. I'm saddened yet I don't know what to do or where to begin doing it. I guess its all politics and until my little 3 and 4 year olds start taking the f-cat nothing will be done!

My Beautiful Niece or Nephew

Hi friends! These very tiny pictures that I can't seem to enlarge are of my niece or nephew. Thanks for all the prayers. Molly went for an ultra sound the other day and heart beat is really strong. From the beats, they think it may be a girl. Her placenta hasn't torn anymore and they things are going to be ok.

Molly didn't tell me just how traumatic her trip to the hospital was until the other day. When she noticed the bleeding she called her doctor right away. The stupid nurse told her she could come in if she wanted to but she was probably "just" miscarrying so there wasn't much they could do! Molly called Eric and told him to meet her at the hospital. hospital. He made it to the hospital just as they were doing the ultrasound. He said they were both crying and panicked only to look up at the ultrasound screen and see their baby looking right at them and waving! (see the middle picture) This baby is a fighter! She/he has guts and I personally think she/he has a pretty great profile. lol. Again, thanks for the prayers. Only about 20 more weeks to go.

Rat Poison and Mission # 4

Ok, so I don't know how to edit these things. You should read the post below this one first and then these pictures will make sense.

I dare anybody that I do not know to write some nasty comment about my method of rodent control. (I had to add this b/c a friend of mine, recently got some nasty comments from some really stupid people about a post she had written about her children. She is the most awesome mom and is so in love with her children and yet some bozos wrote rude things!)

Disney is the only place Mickey should be!

No, your eyes aren't playing a trick on you. Yes, this is a picture of my silverware drawer filled with not only silverware but tortillas, bits of chewed up napkins and chopsticks!

Before I explain how these items got here, let me explain the set-up of my kitchen... I have a cabinet under my sink where I keep my trash can. Next to that cabinet is my dishwasher. On the other side of the dishwasher is a row of drawers. This is what I found in my drawers!

If you haven't figured it out already, I have a rat. Can you imagine how mortified I was to open my silverdrawer and see this? The little f*@k&r had somehow managed to get trash from my trashcan to the drawer on the other side of my dishwasher! I immediately called my pest control guy who told me there was nothing he could do better than what I could do. So, after crawling around on my hands and knees to try and find any holes I had left open, (which I couldn't find!), I put down two little snappy traps. The next morning, the bait was gone from one of the traps and the whole trap missing from the drawer I had put it in. At this point, I am in tears. I am not a dirty person and I don't appreciate rodents! So, I call my mom. Mom talks to my step-dad who suggests I get sticky traps. So, this time I put out sticky traps. The next morning, both traps are gone! I am at my wits end at this point so I go to ACE and buy one more mouse trap and this thingy that supposedly puts off noise that only rodents can hear. This mouse trap is designed so that the rodent crawls into it, dies from the poison and gets stuck in the trap. Notice I said "mouse trap." This morning I wake up to see black stuff all under my cabinet. It looks like a black crayola crayon exploded. Obviously, I don't have a mouse. Whatever I have is larger than a mouse and since it couldn't fit in the trap it chewed its way through the trap to get to the bait. The black explosion stuff was the leftover trap! Today, I made a trip to Home Depot and bought the largest RAT trap I could find, almost lost three fingers on my right hand baiting it, and stuck it under my sink. I have also purchased some very lethal poison and distributed it around my cabinets. Don't worry, if you come over to eat, we'll have take-out! I also wash my dishes before each use!

This "new" house experience has taught me many things. One of which is, if someone says to you, "Boy have I got a deal for you. It'll just take a little fixing up." You'd better slap their face and run the other way! Well, there's a beer calling my name and I have a comfy couch to sit on. Ta Ta for now! Love you, J

I need some dating 101

Well, I had a very nice time this afternoon. The allotted hour went well. We had quite a bit to talk about. He isn't a troll and has an amazing smile. So, we ended our little meeting with both agreeing to meet again sometime. He even said, "see you later." Now, we'll see if that was just a conversation piece or if really meant it. I wouldn't mind meeting again.

Its funny though, I'm new at this dating stuff. I've only had one serious relationship and that relationship came about from being childhood friends. So, if I were to date this guy or someone else, I'm not sure what the next step is. I know I sound dumb, but what do people do on dates? I'm not talking anything sexual. Trust me, I'm just fine in that category! Not that I'm a slut... Geez, I'm rambling!

I think I worry way too much. I'm glad I'm going back to counseling next week! One thing that bothers me is that sometimes I think I'm way too simple and maybe I'm not dating material. (this isn't a feel sorry for me campaign, I'm just stating my feelings) I'm not into politics. I can't fix stuff, I can break it but I sure can't fix it! Sometimes I can't remember whether its the sun or the earth that revolves. I think its the sun. The earth rotates. I'm not that much into sports unless someone I know is playing. I like football but I don't understand it. None of these things matter to me but I'm not a slug. I enjoy people. I enjoy traveling. I love nature, as long as there's a/c and plumbing involved somewhere close! I love to laugh. Well, that's that. Sorry, Rebecca, no funny story this time!

Ok, I Lied...

Hi Friends! I've gone and done it again! I know I said I would NEVER participate in internet dating again, but its been nine months since my last fiasco, I'm bored and lonely, so, I gave it another shot. I'm meeting this guy for the first time tomorrow. I'm nervous as hell and have tried to come up with every excuse in the book to cancel. I did something smart this time and made dinner plans that begin about an hour after I have to meet this guy. So, if its bad, there's no, "lets meet again tomorrow," to end the date. I've learned my lesson!

You know, its not like he doesn't know what I look like. I've sent realistic pictures of me so he knows I'm not a size 6. I just feel so self-conscious about it. Which I know, its dumb, b/c its not like I try to do anything about it. I'll post tomorrow and let you know how this turns out.

As for my job, I love it. I'm tired though. I'm exhausted and lost my voice after the first week of school. I have ditched make-up b/c the stuff just melts off of my face due to the heat. I try really hard to not let myself get overwhelmed but I want to do it all and be perfect. That's really hard when you have 18 children and only two adults. All that crap I teach to my CDA students has gone right out the window. How the hell do you have time to change the water table between every use? And, come on, did any of us have to go to therapy for cutting out pre-made dittos? Come to think of it, maybe that's why I've been in therapy? On a happier note, I personally think I got all the cute kids, challenging but sweet. We have one who is on the LOW end of the autism spectrum. You know, non-verbal but screams. Doesn't eat anything unless it has about a 1,000 carbs in it. We have another who has a deleted chromosome disorder. He functions on about a 2 year old level and is also nonverbal. I've got one who poops his pants EVERYDAY on the playground and when I "encourage" him to clean his ownself he screams bloody murder. I'm learning alot and having fun doing it. I know it'll get better. I love getting hugs and watching them play. It makes it all worth it!

In regards to my "new" house, I'm having a love-hate relationship with it. I will NEVER purchase a used home again! That's all I have to say about that. I keep telling myself, "its only for a little while longer, the payment is cheap, you can do this."

Well, I think that's about it for now. I love you and miss you, J