Its a been a while... Life has been busy.  I went back to work in January when Jadie Kate was 11 weeks old and life has just been whirling by.  My sister, Molly took care of JK for us from January to May.  I couldn't have asked for a more perfect transition.  My sister was amazing with her.  I'm off for the month of June and  have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my sweet miracle. I can't believe she's 8 months old already!

Jadie Kate has developed quite the personality.  She  looks just like Josh but she sure has my temper!  I'm glad in a way. I hope she will continued to be strong-willed and not take crap off people.  I'm beginning to brainstorm ideas for her first birthday party.  I am so excited.  I admit, there have been days when I couldn't think that far off for fear that it wouldn't happen.  I've relaxed a bit but the waves of anxiety still hit me from time to time.  I continue to pray ALOT and check on her about 5 times during the night while she is sleeping.  I want her to know just how amazing she is and how much joy she brings to us. 

There was a time in my life when I honestly didn't think that joy would return.  I often imagine my heart looking like one of those scrap paper art projects kids make in school.  You know the kind where the teacher draws the heart on the paper and the kids tear up scraps of red and pink paper and glue it inside the heart.  Silly, I know but visualize for me.  When JD died my heart was ripped into tiny little pieces and left on the floor.  Since Jadie Kate was born those pieces have slowly been put back together to make me feel whole again.  I'm still raw around the edges but I feel better. 

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post.  I've just had a lot of random thoughts roaming through my head so I figured I should write them down.  Its unreal to me that in a little over 3 months, I could have had a 2 year old busy little boy and a 1 year old fiesty little girl.  Instead, I have a two year old butterfly and beautiful one year old rainbow.  I am full of so many emotions: anger, guilt. regret, gratefulness, joy, sadness, excitement.  Its overwhelming at times. 

Those Raw Feelings Keep Coming Back

Despite my life being so full right now those raw feelings keep coming back. I have a babyloss momma friend who I talk to from time to time. We were talking the other day about how surreal this experience is. There are days I will be driving down the road and think to myself, I lost a baby. I carried a baby boy for 25 weeks and had to deliver him dead. All I have left of him are a few pictures and his ashes in an urn on my dresser. Sorry for being so blunt but its the truth. I swear thats the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope that by saying this, that God doesn't test me on this one. I have two children but only one of them is here on earth with me. I remember when my dad died my grandma telling me that as a mother one of the hardest things you never expect to do is bury your child. I remember how devastating that was for her. Little did I know that a couple of decades later I would be doing the same thing.

I have a Joshua David in my preschool class. He was getting frustrated learning how to write his name. As I sat there helping him I teared up thinking about how I will never teach my Joshua David how to write his name. Despite my sadness, I thanked God for to the opportunity to teach someone else's Joshua.

I have a friend undergoing radiation for an inoperable tumor. She is an amazing woman. She has taught me to find the silver lining in everything. If you don't, you will sink into a deep dark hole.

There are days I want to forget that I am a babyloss momma. I don't want to forget my precious JD, I just want to bury the pain that goes along with losing him. Then I remember that I can't forget. Because by forgetting, I will lose apart of who I am. I am Janie Register... mother to an angel in heaven and a miracle here on earth. I need to remember that loss so that I appreciate all that I have right now.

Its Been A While

I haven't blogged in quite some time. My life has been really busy lately. I just thought my life was busy before Jadie Kate. LOL! I can't even begin to tell you how full and complete I feel these days. The day I became Josh's wife was one of the greatest blessings in my life but becoming Jadie Kate's mom has got to be the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. I know I'm a dork and being as how its 4:00am and my head is stopped up I'm probably not explaining myself correctly.

Sometimes I look at Jadie Kate and just cry. She is amazing. I thank God everyday for our little miracle. I pray that I will be the best mother I can be to her. I want Jadie Kate to know just how important she is to us.

I thought once she was born all those fears I had while I was pregnant would disappear. That's not the case. When I was pregnant with JD I had visions of what he would look like. I would get excited thinking about him hunting with Josh or playing t-ball. When he died, all those dreams went down the toilet. When I was pregnant with JK, I just lived for the day. I would celebrate each pregnancy week but I didn't have visions of what was to come. Sadly, I'm still having a hard time with this. I don't let myself see Jadie Kate as a toddler or dancing in a recital. I guess I'm scared that if I look too far into the future, my dreams will be taken from me again. I guess its not a bad thing to just relish in the now and appreciate this moment in time.

I went back to work on the 4th of January. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Jadie Kate stays with my sister, Molly. I drop her off around 7:45am and I try to pick her up by 4:00pm. I am so thankful for my sister. I know that JK is well taken care of. I miss being home with her all day and I find there isn't enough time in the day to get everything done. I'm learning to depend on Josh more and trying not to sweat the small stuff like the tub needing to be cleaned out or the kitchen needing to be swept. I have to constantly remind myself to slow down and remember what's important...