Those Raw Feelings Keep Coming Back

Despite my life being so full right now those raw feelings keep coming back. I have a babyloss momma friend who I talk to from time to time. We were talking the other day about how surreal this experience is. There are days I will be driving down the road and think to myself, I lost a baby. I carried a baby boy for 25 weeks and had to deliver him dead. All I have left of him are a few pictures and his ashes in an urn on my dresser. Sorry for being so blunt but its the truth. I swear thats the hardest thing I have ever done. I hope that by saying this, that God doesn't test me on this one. I have two children but only one of them is here on earth with me. I remember when my dad died my grandma telling me that as a mother one of the hardest things you never expect to do is bury your child. I remember how devastating that was for her. Little did I know that a couple of decades later I would be doing the same thing.

I have a Joshua David in my preschool class. He was getting frustrated learning how to write his name. As I sat there helping him I teared up thinking about how I will never teach my Joshua David how to write his name. Despite my sadness, I thanked God for to the opportunity to teach someone else's Joshua.

I have a friend undergoing radiation for an inoperable tumor. She is an amazing woman. She has taught me to find the silver lining in everything. If you don't, you will sink into a deep dark hole.

There are days I want to forget that I am a babyloss momma. I don't want to forget my precious JD, I just want to bury the pain that goes along with losing him. Then I remember that I can't forget. Because by forgetting, I will lose apart of who I am. I am Janie Register... mother to an angel in heaven and a miracle here on earth. I need to remember that loss so that I appreciate all that I have right now.