Life IS a bowl of cherries...

Hi friends! I've felt so out of sorts these past few weeks without access to a computer. My hard drive at school was considered evidence for an investigation (I was NOT involved in the investigation!)and so I just got it back this past Tuesday. I feel more in touch with the world now! My co-teacher has been terrific about letting me use her computer but I didn't feel comfortable writing blogs or searching for things on someone elses computer.

So, here I am back in Wakulla. I forgot how beautiful it is here in the spring. I wake up to the sound of birds chirping, as opposed to police and fire sirens! The early mornings are rough, as I have to be up by 5:45 am to be on time for work. We have to be at school by 7:25am but we get out at 3pm. I like having longer afternoons. Until my house is finished I am living with my friend Maggie in Tallahassee. She was gracious to let me and my dog stay with her.

My anxiety hasn't been too bad since I've moved back. I have been doing alot of deep breathing, taking walks and LOTS of praying. The kids I work with are tough. By tough I mean they are between the ages of 15-20 years old. Disabilities include language impairments, behavior disorders, learning disabilities and mild mental handicaps. They all are on special diploma which basically means if they want a real job after graduation they have to get a GED. Most of them come from rough family backgrounds. I have a couple who have done some time and a couple who I'm sure are well on their way. They can't pass the FCAT but are smart enough to know that they are in ESE. (Do you catch my drift?) Some of the boys enjoy making CD's. They are quite talented! Seriously... I have a couple who play football and basketball and one that's on the weightlifting team. There again, this is great but without a regular diploma, they can't get drafted by universities. (a couple have already been asked, only to find out they can't go to college with a special diploma!) The girls are all excited because prom is coming up soon. I'm kind of excited too. I think I may chaperone. Its fun being back here at the high school I graduated from. The other cool thing is that I remember alot of the kids from when they were an elementary school.

I was driving home from work the other day questioning my decision to move back. I was thinking about my HUGE cut in pay, leaving my centers on such short notice, etc. Then I was reminded that despite having no money (what's new???), I can pick my niece and nephew up after school. I can have dinner with my mom. My dog has a backyard to run around in. I feel like I belong. So, there's no questioning of my decision anymore.

I'm going home!

Well, this is it. My internet will be disconnected on Saturday, March 11th. Not sure if I'll be able to make it. I'm such a technology freak these days. I had planned to have dinner with my friend Rebecca last night. She called me and said, "I hope you don't mind, but I invited a few extra friends as well." I showed up to see about 12 people from work! It was heartwarming to see that many of my co-workers at dinner for me. Of course, it could have just been there excuse to drink! I really had a great time. They even gave a nice going away gift; a tartwarmer from Yankee Candle Company. I LOVE candles so it was a perfect gift. Rebecca paid for my dinner. We ate at Outback. It was yummy! The waiters and waitresses came out and sang to me and gave me the largest piece of cake you've ever seen. I shared with the people at the table and even had some left over for breakfast!

I'm exhausted. Not sure if its the stress of moving, hormones or all the crap I've been eating. Jenny Craig would NOT be happy with me! I hope that once I get moved I won't eat so much and can get back into exercising. I guess I should finish packing. I have to take down my curtains and put a few odds and ends in boxes and I'll be finished! What a terrific journey this year has been. Now I'm off to embark on new territory.

Peace...

Last night I wrote letters to my dad and my Grama T. Yes, I realize that they have both gone on to a Higher Place but I needed some closure. The letters were heartfelt. I had leftover guilt and anger towards my dad for dying so young. I felt guilty about not spending time with my Grama before she passed. In the letters I asked forgiveness, gave forgiveness and shared how much I loved both of them. I felt much better after writing them. Today I went to Publix and bought two helium balloons. My plan was to attach the letters to the balloons and let the balloons go. Yes, again I realize they wouldn't make it to Heaven. Symbolism, here people! Anyway, the letter was too heavy and weighed the balloons down. I shouldn't have left the balloons in the car so long. Damn heat! I took the balloons to my Grama's memorial since my daddy is buried in Wakulla. I let the balloons go. At first they just sort of stayed in place. I thought, "My goodness, I'm trying to let go of some guilt. Come on here!" Finally they began to float in the air. Then they got stuck under an eave of a roof! After a couple of minutes and much needed prayer the balloons finally flew up, up, up and away!

I had to post this entry because one, to share a way to provide closure and two, to point out the humor in things. Lord, you should have seen those balloons. I didn't think they'd ever fly away! As I was leaving the cemetary, I noticed these signs labeling the road. They all had 'peace' written on them! Pretty cool.

I'm getting a bit anxious about this move. I'm worried that all those old feelings of anxiety are going to come back. I'm nervous that I'm not going to have enough room in the moving truck for all my stuff. I'm scared to be starting a new job in the middle of the school year. I know that everything will be ok. I've been praying.

Thoughts to share...

Its funny how I came to West Palm Beach looking for Mr. Right. At this point, Mr. Right Now would be nice! Just kidding. I didn't find Mr. Right but I sure have gained some closure on some things. While some are funny, others make me teary.

A funny one deals with when I was about 3 years old, I went to Lion Country Safari here in Palm Beach County. While I was there, a goose bit me on my back. I remember it to this day. For the past 27 years, I've held a grudge on every species of birds. Up until a couple of months ago I was petrified of ducks and geese. I finally realized the other day that that was just one goose. Who knows, maybe I was in his territory? Anyway, as I was looking out at the lake behind my apartment I happened to see a momma duck with her little ducklings. My heart softened! They were so cute and the momma was so protective. Maybe I've actually overcome my fear?

On a more serious note, I've come to let go of some old guilty feelings I've stored up for over 17 years! I'm learning to enjoy life. Stop and smell the roses. I feel incredibly rich because of all the places I've been and the friends I've made along the way.

While I'm nervous about teaching high school I know it'll be ok. I've done it before, I can do it again. Its only 2 and a half months, right?

I guess that's all for now. Take Care, J