My Mind Keeps Turning

Its 4:40am and I can't sleep. My mind won't turn off. My OB prescribed me Ambian but I've run out of it. I think I've gotten used to it and now I can't sleep without it.
This weekend was bittersweet. Kelley had her baby. Selfish to say, I was dreading her upcoming arrival. I didn't want anything bad to happen to Kelley or Hadley but everytime I thought about her new joy, I was reminded of the loss I experienced. I wasn't sure whether or not to go to the hospital to visit her, but I did anyway. I tortured myself all week about whether or not to go. For my own selfish reasons, I made myself go. While we didn't get to see Hadley because she is in the NICU, we did see Kelley. It was good to see her. I think it helped me. I have been carrying some pretty heavy resentment towards her lately. I am sick of hunting season. Josh has been really good about spending time with me but I resent the fact that he can get away from things, go out in the woods and hunt. I can't get away. Do you know how many pregnant people I see in one day? Having a baby is all I think about.
One of Josh's cousins gave us grief because Josh wasn't waiting at the hospital Friday night for Hadley's arrival. She also thought I was tacky for asking a particular question about Hadley's delivery. Well, first of all, just exactly two months prior to Hadley's birth, we were at that same exact hospital delivering our dead son. Second, Kelley has the same doctor I have. I wanted answers as to why Hadley had complications at birth.
I guess at the end of the day, none of this matters... resentment, anger, frustrations. The bottom line is, I don't have my son. I was cheated and that sucks so basically I am looking for someone/something to blame this on.