Now What?

So my birthday was May 26th. I'm officially OLD! 31 years old. It was a nice birthday. Nothing exciting for me, but the good news is nobody got mad at anybody, I didn't spend the next day hugging the toilet from a hangover, you get the picture.

So, some of you reading this entry may want to poke my eyeballs out for feeling sorry for myself but don't. I'm just venting. It's therapy. I'm allowed to vent. As my friend Wendi would say, "before I begin this story, let me set the stage." I know that I am blessed and about all the wonderful things in my life. I thank God for them everyday. I also know about God's timing. But I also know that I am 31 and not sure what direction I am going in. (nobody needs to call the crisis hotline, I'm not clinically depressed!)

My partying days are over. There's nothing attractive about a 31 year old woman hanging her head out the window of a car to keep from puking. One night stands are NOT the answer. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm almost to the page in my high school memory book where it asks, "Where do you see yourself in 15 years?" You know what my answers were? Happily married, pregnant with child number 3, homeowner, successfully teaching. Well hell, I got one out of the three.

So, now what? I was talking to my therapist about this the other day. I told her I just wish I knew whether I was marriage/mom material or not. If the answer is no, let me mourn the fact that I will be single forever and then move on. But move on to where? As I was driving the two hours from WV to the Pittsburgh Airport this mourning, I had plenty of time to plan. So, here's what I've decided. I'm going to go ahead and allow myself mourn for a little while, not long because then I'll get wrinkles. I'm going to continue to pay down on my credit cards and student loans. If my sister and brother-in-law don't move back in August, I'm going to extend my lease for another year and attempt to save for a home. If they do move back and still want to me build on their property, I'll pursue that route. In January 2008, I'm going to re-apply to FSU's Department of Special ed to pursue a specialist degree. I actually applied a couple of years ago and got accepted but never pursued the degree. I need to know more about pre-kindergarten ESE and besides if I can't have an Mrs. in front of my name, at least I can have a MSed at the end of it! If by 35, (that's like 4 years from now), I'm not married, I'm going to adopt.

Its comical really, in a sarcastic sort of way, because I'm not sure where to begin with this mourning thing. Shit, its taken me almost 18 years to figure out that I needed to mourn the loss of my father. Again, I know some of you are thinking how rediculous I am, but its been on my mind and I'm tired of obsessing over it.

Quality NOT Quantity

Its funny how I've never noticed until recently just how consumed I've been with the quantity of things in my life: time spent with close friends and family, number of hours I sleep, how much great tasting food can I eat. (I'm sure that statement was grammatically incorrect but you catch my drift!)

I guess what first opened my eyes to all of this, literally and figuratively speaking, was during my time of sleep deprivation. Despite taking Roserum and then going to bed at 9pm, I would toss and turn for hours upon hours. Then, I finally broke down and went to a chiropractor. People kept telling me to give it a try for the headaches and nausea but I just didn't believe it would work. I've only been to the chiropractor twice but I am sleeping better, and my nausea and headaches aren't nearly as bad either. I'm holding my breath but praying that this will work. Anyway, my point, after my first visit with the chiropractor, I stayed up as late as could, didn't take the Roserum and fell asleep around 1:30am . I slept from 1:30- 6:30am. This was real deep sleep, no tossing, no turning, no fog the next day. Normally, this little bit of sleep would have not been enough for me, but I guess because it was quality sleep, I felt refreshed. So, I'm working on not being obsessed with the amount of sleep I get.

Time spent with friends... I went to a dear friend's wedding this weekend in West Virginia. I was nervous about going, worried that we'd have nothing to talk about since we live so far away now. To be honest, I worry about this alot, not just with her, but with other friends and family whom I don't see very often. Its funny though, because the weekend wasn't awkward. Her family makes me feel right at home and while she and I didn't spend every waking minute together, the time we did spend together was meaningful. I confided to another friend about my worries before leaving to go on the trip. I told her my fears about the possibility of us growing apart since we live so far away. This friend is always honest with me and she said there's always that possibility with any friendship because people get busy. She wasn't being negative, just stating the truth. I'm realizing more and more that I can't let this worry consume me. While I love my friend dearly, I can't mourn the fact that we don't see each other everyday. Instead, I need to enjoy the times that we do see each. This weekend was one of those times. (sorry, so much self-talk here) My favorite aunt lives in Orlando. We see each other maybe 2-3 times a year, but when we do, there's never a dull moment. Again, quality, not quantity.

I won't elaborate on the food issues. I'm still working on that one. Ha! Ha! Ha!
More self-talk!

Well, I leave for New Orleans on either Saturday or Sunday to go take care of my nephew for the summer. I'll come home for a week in July but most of time is going to be spent with him. I'm anxious. Not about taking care of Thomas, but just about leaving the comforts of my home and staying with someone else for two months. Pray for me. Pray that I can enjoy my time with him and not spend it mourning the fact that there's a possibilty he and his family won't move back to C'ville. Pray that my dog won't destroy their home (yep, she's going too!) Pray that we won't get blown away in a hurricane, lol!

I guess that's it. That's my new motto in life, quality NOT quantity.

My back is on fire!

So I think I've figured out what is causing the pain in my back. I've been taking Maxalt for my headaches. I knew the stuff was too good to be true. I looked up the side effects and in some cases, people who take the meds on a regular basis may experience "myalgia like symptoms." So, guess what I won't be taking anymore? I've decided that I HAVE to change my eating habits, reduce the sugar, exercise more, and try wholistic meds. Its amazing how emotionally better I feel thinking I've found the cause for the back pain. I was beginning to think I was real nut case!

pictures of my handsome bear

I thought this was a great comparison. The first picture was taken when Thomas was about two weeks old. Look how small he is! The second one is of him taken at around 11 weeks old. I can't believe the difference. What a chunk! He is eating baby food now. He still loves his formula and cereal too. I can't wait to spend the summer with him. I hope I don't overstimulate the poor guy!

Ramblings of a sleep deprived woman...

Well, its 3:00am in the morning and despite taking my Rozerem AND 3 mg of melatonin I am wide awake! Is the Lord preparing me for something or someone? LOL! My next trip, in regards to the whole doctor thing is to a sleep specialist. We'll see what they say. My back muscles are on fire right now so Monday I will call the chiropractor. I've experienced tension in my neck and back before but never all over like this. I lathered myself with some Tei Fu lotion to help calm the pain but now I smell like an 85 year old man! What the hell is going on? I'm only 30! Oh well...

So, I figured since I couldn't sleep I'd ramble about some funny things/thoughts I've had lately. Have you ever had that dream where you are out in public and you are naked? I asked my friend Julie that last night and she looked at me like I was crazy. Must only happen to people with anxiety issues. Anyway, if you know what I mean, its not a pretty feeling. Well, I sort of experienced that last Friday at the pool. Don't worry, I had a bathing suit on, but there I was just a swimming along when who should appear but ALL 6 or 7 of the boys I taught last year when I moved back to Wakulla. There may have been a couple of them missing due to house arrests or incarceration issues but most of them were there as they don't seem to go anywhere alone. I prayed really hard and fast that God would make me invisible or something. Fortunately, He did, or the kids just didn't care to recognize me. As soon as they went into the workout room I jumped out of the pool and waddled home as fast as I could. Childish... maybe, but I wasn't risking them noticing me, especially in a bathing suit. Not to mention the fact that I didn't dare want them to know where I lived! Aahh, the joys of living in a small town!

Shoes... so I bought this cute dress for my class' graduation. (It looked cute on the shelf, on me, it looked like a blueberry cobbler doused in cool whip, but nevermind!) So, I looked all over Tallahassee for white dress shoes. I finally found a pair on sale for $25 at J.C. Penny's. Since I had a $10 off coupon I bought them. I tried them on late in the day so I figure that would be a good indication as to how they'd feel later. Boy was I wrong. Those things hurt like a bitch. It made me think, maybe there should be a weight requirement on the side of the shoe box. You know, something like: "weight capacity not to exceed 150 pounds." Those poor little shoes weren't meant to carry 200 plus pounds! Needless to say, I cleaned those suckers up and returned them. There is no point in being in pain.

Body image... You know, despite my sarcasm about my weight, I often have a misconceived notion about just how big I really am. I'll go to the store and pick up things that I think look cute on the rack only to realize that they just aren't for the larger woman. On this one particular occasion, something funny happened. I got this dress to try on, supposedly in my size. It had a side zipper that I knew I couldn't get up if I unzipped it so I thought I'd just slip it over my head. I get it over my head, but it gets stuck around my boobs, as I struggle to to pull it down, this woman comes over the loud speaker to do an all call. It scared the crap out of me! I just knew it was one of those people that sit behind the mirrors laughing as they watch us try on clothes. I thought she was going to say something like, "Don't even think about it!"

What is it about bows? You put a bow or ribbon on something and I have to have it. Last night I found this cute strapless top with a bow in the back. The bow was at the top sort of holding the top together as there was a circle cut out of the back of it. Again, another one of those cute things ON the rack versus on me! The way the back was cut, you could see my two love handles shinin' away. Not to mention my Superman tattoo. Which I don't regret getting but it just didn't seem right to show it off for all the world to see. The scary thing about that shirt, it went up to even bigger sizes than what I wear!

Superman... speaking of superman, I was ordering some helium balloons for a friend's bridal shower this weekend and I had this flashback of when I was like 4. Amazing I know. I've loved Superman since I can remember. I used to watch the movies with my Poppa. Superman and Poppa were like God to me. Anyway, my Poppa used to take me to watch the Expos play baseball. On one particular occasion, I got some helium balloons. My Poppa tied them to my overall strap so they wouldn't fly away. Well, I guess in the midst of all of the excitement, they did fly away. I remember asking Poppa to send for Superman to get my balloons. Poppa said he wished he could but those balloons just went too high, even for Superman. Talk about peeing in somebody's cornflakes! I think that was the first time I discovered true disappointment. I thought Poppa and Superman were the Men of Steel. Maybe its silly to writing about this almost 27 years later, but I just thought about it. Then it hit me, how devastating something that inconsignificant was for me that I still remember it and how some children experience a heck of alot more by age 4 and how must they carry that baggage. Well, I'm going to try and go to sleep now. Wish me luck! Love, J

Happy Mother's Day

Its funny how one’s mood changes from day to day. One minute I think I’m fine with being 30, single and childless. Then a day like mother’s day comes along and smacks me in the face and I am suddenly reminded that I am alone. Or am I? I have so many wonderful people in my life that keep me busy, not to mention my own personal issues. I am rich and full of life. I have to keep reminding myself, “God’s timing. Not mine!” And that, just because I’m childless and single doesn’t mean I’m unsuccessful.

Why do we set such high expectations for ourselves only to set ourselves up for failure? I guess I’m feeling bummed because I had planned to lose 31 pounds by my 31st birthday. And guess what? I didn’t lose the 31 pounds. Shocker, I know. I am going out of town for a friend’s wedding that weekend and I thought that would be great motivation. You know, my birthday and seeing my friend. I don’t know why I’m so bummed. My friends love me no matter what size I am so why do I measure my success by how fat I am? Well, the bottom line is, I’ve only manage to lose about 21 pounds since October, 14 of which I haven’t gained back. I’m looking for a diet/exercise plan that requires little effort on my part, lol. If you know of any, could you let me know?

Update on my sinus/nausea headache situation… so I went and had a CT scan done last week. They did find a brain, but no sinus inflammation. I have a slight deviated septum, whatever that means but I’m guessing that’s typical because the doctor didn’t make a big deal out of it. She now thinks that maybe the headaches are migraine related. Poor thing. I think she’s tired of dealing with me. So, she put me on something called Maxalt and Topamax, (so much for not taking so many meds!) When I take the Maxalt, it seems to help the headaches and the Topamax seems to relax me, so I guess its worth a try. I went to see an herbalist and I did buy some herbs (yes, legal ones!), but there’s a whole diet regime that needs to be followed and I’m just not sure that mentally I’m ready for that. Well, I need to go finish eating my side salad from McDonalds. (I already ate the cheeseburger!) Love, Janie

Anti-depressants and Exercise

I love this picture! I call it, "Drunk Love." It was taken about a month ago. Thomas and I have both filled out since this was taken. Thomas more so than me, lol!

Don't worry, this isn't a feel-sorry-for-Janie entry. I'm just venting. Its therapeutic for me to write.

Today is the first time in a long time that I haven't been nauseated. NO, I'm not pregnant, just sinus crap, as usual. I love doctors, (that was meant in a sarcastic tone.) As most of my friends and family know, I deal with my sinuses year round. Every once in a while a doctor will find a remedy that works and I feel pretty good for a few months. Well, the last remedy wore off around February 28th and I've been sicker than a dog since then. I am NOT exagerating! (again, not complaining, just setting the stage...) What happens is I get a nasty post nasal drip combined with sinus pressure and I feel dizzy and sick. As a result, I don't sleep for days on end and anything that involves motion is out of the question (reading, watching t.v., extreme exercise). I avoid fruits, vegetables and dairy products at all costs, lest I projectile vomit. So, I get up and just deal with it. I know I sound like a hypochondriac and at this point I wish I was, but this is for real.

Anyway, I've been to the ENT, he said my sinuses look clear and to just keep my nasal passages moist. When I went to my primary care physician and told her my symptoms, she asked me if I was depressed and offered me anti-depressants, along with suggesting exercise! Its kind of humorous as I look back on that day, now. As most of you know I am extremely sensitive anyway, but on that particular visit, I hadn't slept in three days and on top of that I wanted to puke. And she has the nerve to ask me if I'm depressed. At which point, with tears in my eyes, voice choked up, I say, "This is the happiest I've ever been. My job is great, my family is close by..." All she could do was hand me a box of kleenex and a referal to an allergist.

So, I go to the allergist, hoping and praying that I'm allergic to something. (sick I know, but I'm desperate) After 16 injections and $20 later, I find out that I am allergic to NOTHING!!!! The doctor determines that I have excessive post nasal drip and if I'd exercise I'd sleep better. You know, I'm in the wrong damn profession! He did give me a prescription for a nasal spray that I take 4 times a day. Seems like a lot, but for the most part, I haven't been nauseated in a couple of days! The problem is, my nasal passages are dried out and my head still hurts. So, I called him back today to ask if he could prescribe something to go with the spray but he said my only other option is an anti-depressant because he thinks my headaches are tension-related! I'm really proud of myself because I didn't even cry. I just politely told him, "No Thanks." I'll just have to deal with the pain. I know there are people out there with worse conditions than me but there has got to be an answer to my issues. An answer other than antidepressants and freakin' exercise.

After talking with the allergist, I was even second-guessing myself. Maybe I need an anti-depressant. Afterall, both my doctors think so! Then I prayed, "Lord, if I am depressed and need meds, open my eyes and show me." It was the quickest answered prayer ever. He made me think back to when I was on medication. Yep, even back then I had sinus problems. Yep, even at 300 milligrams of Effexor! So, no, I am NOT depressed. I know what its like to feel depressed and believe me I am happy and full of life!

My next step, is wholistic medicine. If anybody can recommend anything, I'm all ears! I know there is an answer to my issues and I'm going to find it. In the meantime, I guess I should go exercise, lol!