Now What?

So my birthday was May 26th. I'm officially OLD! 31 years old. It was a nice birthday. Nothing exciting for me, but the good news is nobody got mad at anybody, I didn't spend the next day hugging the toilet from a hangover, you get the picture.

So, some of you reading this entry may want to poke my eyeballs out for feeling sorry for myself but don't. I'm just venting. It's therapy. I'm allowed to vent. As my friend Wendi would say, "before I begin this story, let me set the stage." I know that I am blessed and about all the wonderful things in my life. I thank God for them everyday. I also know about God's timing. But I also know that I am 31 and not sure what direction I am going in. (nobody needs to call the crisis hotline, I'm not clinically depressed!)

My partying days are over. There's nothing attractive about a 31 year old woman hanging her head out the window of a car to keep from puking. One night stands are NOT the answer. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm almost to the page in my high school memory book where it asks, "Where do you see yourself in 15 years?" You know what my answers were? Happily married, pregnant with child number 3, homeowner, successfully teaching. Well hell, I got one out of the three.

So, now what? I was talking to my therapist about this the other day. I told her I just wish I knew whether I was marriage/mom material or not. If the answer is no, let me mourn the fact that I will be single forever and then move on. But move on to where? As I was driving the two hours from WV to the Pittsburgh Airport this mourning, I had plenty of time to plan. So, here's what I've decided. I'm going to go ahead and allow myself mourn for a little while, not long because then I'll get wrinkles. I'm going to continue to pay down on my credit cards and student loans. If my sister and brother-in-law don't move back in August, I'm going to extend my lease for another year and attempt to save for a home. If they do move back and still want to me build on their property, I'll pursue that route. In January 2008, I'm going to re-apply to FSU's Department of Special ed to pursue a specialist degree. I actually applied a couple of years ago and got accepted but never pursued the degree. I need to know more about pre-kindergarten ESE and besides if I can't have an Mrs. in front of my name, at least I can have a MSed at the end of it! If by 35, (that's like 4 years from now), I'm not married, I'm going to adopt.

Its comical really, in a sarcastic sort of way, because I'm not sure where to begin with this mourning thing. Shit, its taken me almost 18 years to figure out that I needed to mourn the loss of my father. Again, I know some of you are thinking how rediculous I am, but its been on my mind and I'm tired of obsessing over it.