Well, its 3:00am in the morning and despite taking my Rozerem AND 3 mg of melatonin I am wide awake! Is the Lord preparing me for something or someone? LOL! My next trip, in regards to the whole doctor thing is to a sleep specialist. We'll see what they say. My back muscles are on fire right now so Monday I will call the chiropractor. I've experienced tension in my neck and back before but never all over like this. I lathered myself with some Tei Fu lotion to help calm the pain but now I smell like an 85 year old man! What the hell is going on? I'm only 30! Oh well...
So, I figured since I couldn't sleep I'd ramble about some funny things/thoughts I've had lately. Have you ever had that dream where you are out in public and you are naked? I asked my friend Julie that last night and she looked at me like I was crazy. Must only happen to people with anxiety issues. Anyway, if you know what I mean, its not a pretty feeling. Well, I sort of experienced that last Friday at the pool. Don't worry, I had a bathing suit on, but there I was just a swimming along when who should appear but ALL 6 or 7 of the boys I taught last year when I moved back to Wakulla. There may have been a couple of them missing due to house arrests or incarceration issues but most of them were there as they don't seem to go anywhere alone. I prayed really hard and fast that God would make me invisible or something. Fortunately, He did, or the kids just didn't care to recognize me. As soon as they went into the workout room I jumped out of the pool and waddled home as fast as I could. Childish... maybe, but I wasn't risking them noticing me, especially in a bathing suit. Not to mention the fact that I didn't dare want them to know where I lived! Aahh, the joys of living in a small town!
Shoes... so I bought this cute dress for my class' graduation. (It looked cute on the shelf, on me, it looked like a blueberry cobbler doused in cool whip, but nevermind!) So, I looked all over Tallahassee for white dress shoes. I finally found a pair on sale for $25 at J.C. Penny's. Since I had a $10 off coupon I bought them. I tried them on late in the day so I figure that would be a good indication as to how they'd feel later. Boy was I wrong. Those things hurt like a bitch. It made me think, maybe there should be a weight requirement on the side of the shoe box. You know, something like: "weight capacity not to exceed 150 pounds." Those poor little shoes weren't meant to carry 200 plus pounds! Needless to say, I cleaned those suckers up and returned them. There is no point in being in pain.
Body image... You know, despite my sarcasm about my weight, I often have a misconceived notion about just how big I really am. I'll go to the store and pick up things that I think look cute on the rack only to realize that they just aren't for the larger woman. On this one particular occasion, something funny happened. I got this dress to try on, supposedly in my size. It had a side zipper that I knew I couldn't get up if I unzipped it so I thought I'd just slip it over my head. I get it over my head, but it gets stuck around my boobs, as I struggle to to pull it down, this woman comes over the loud speaker to do an all call. It scared the crap out of me! I just knew it was one of those people that sit behind the mirrors laughing as they watch us try on clothes. I thought she was going to say something like, "Don't even think about it!"
What is it about bows? You put a bow or ribbon on something and I have to have it. Last night I found this cute strapless top with a bow in the back. The bow was at the top sort of holding the top together as there was a circle cut out of the back of it. Again, another one of those cute things ON the rack versus on me! The way the back was cut, you could see my two love handles shinin' away. Not to mention my Superman tattoo. Which I don't regret getting but it just didn't seem right to show it off for all the world to see. The scary thing about that shirt, it went up to even bigger sizes than what I wear!
Superman... speaking of superman, I was ordering some helium balloons for a friend's bridal shower this weekend and I had this flashback of when I was like 4. Amazing I know. I've loved Superman since I can remember. I used to watch the movies with my Poppa. Superman and Poppa were like God to me. Anyway, my Poppa used to take me to watch the Expos play baseball. On one particular occasion, I got some helium balloons. My Poppa tied them to my overall strap so they wouldn't fly away. Well, I guess in the midst of all of the excitement, they did fly away. I remember asking Poppa to send for Superman to get my balloons. Poppa said he wished he could but those balloons just went too high, even for Superman. Talk about peeing in somebody's cornflakes! I think that was the first time I discovered true disappointment. I thought Poppa and Superman were the Men of Steel. Maybe its silly to writing about this almost 27 years later, but I just thought about it. Then it hit me, how devastating something that inconsignificant was for me that I still remember it and how some children experience a heck of alot more by age 4 and how must they carry that baggage. Well, I'm going to try and go to sleep now. Wish me luck! Love, J
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