Josh and I went and met with a geneticist on November 19th. The doctor went over all my labs and basically told us that due to my hypothyroidism, I had high levels of antibodies and those antibodies attacked the placenta which in turn malnourished my son. I sat there and cried. It took me a few days for it all to sink in. I was angered and felt so guilty. I'm not sure realistically if I could have done anything differently though on my part. Before I got pregnant, I went to my endocrinologist and asked her what I needed to do to ensure a healthy pregnancy. We made a plan. I had my levels checked every 4-6 weeks. I didn't drink, smoke or do drugs (which I keep finding info on the internet about how all of this leads to stillbirth, imagine that?) I saw a maternal-infant specialist and my OB. I even researched on the internet about hypothyroidism and couldn't find anything out of the ordinary.

I felt guilty because as a mother, I felt like I had failed my child and my body rejected him. I was angry because the doctor told what we could do "next time" to possibly prevent this from happening again. He's suggesting aspirin and a combination of B vitamins. I swear to God everytime I went to the doctor I asked about my thyroid and if there was anything I needed to do special. Everyone said no, JD has a strong heartbeat, he's developing fine, everything looks good. How in the hell did they not pick up on an underdeveloped placenta? And why, did they not suggest the vitamins and aspirin as a preventative? I would have spread cow poop on my boobs if they would have told me it helped with having a healthy baby.

So why am I bringing this up almost 2 weeks later? I got the summary report of our meeting in the mail last night. It was one thing to hear the doctor, it was another to see his comments on paper. REALITY SUCKS!!!

Now, he seemed optimistic about us trying again but of course he isn't God and can't guarantee a healthy baby. So, I guess this is where faith comes into play, huh?