Before I got pregnant, I had a friend suggest that I read one preggo book and stick with that. She said if you read too many you will run yourself crazy. So... I followed 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.' That book sucks. I will NEVER read that book again, nor will I give that book to anyone as a gift! I know, I can't blame a book for what happened, but the book was so nonchalont about everything.

Life is full of irony and unpredictability. During my pregnancy, I wondered if I should get some parenting books and read up on breastfeeding and childrearing. I decided to wait and just focus on being pregnant. Now, I'm reading books on grieving and googling websites on the loss of your unborn child. I pre-registered for childbirth classes that were to begin November 2nd. Instead, I will be attending a support group for mothers who have experienced an 'early loss.' I feel so blag today.

Thank You DKR!

Josh and his family often joke and call me "Little Debbie," after his mother. Josh often says its scary just how much I am like her. Its funny how I've never met this woman but feel so connected. Josh's mom lost a child too. Her first born son was stillborn at 40 weeks. I've never gotten the exact story as to what happened but nevertheless, it was devastating.

When I first moved in with Josh, there were pictures everywhere. Pictures on the walls. I found giant rubbermaid containers full of 10x13s, 8x10s & 5x7s. I found rows of albums filled with 4x6s. It drove me nuts. I love pictures but come on... where the heck do you put these things? She had EVERY school picture Josh and Kelley ever had taken. I'm talkin' the big $42 packs.

As I was going through the pictures, I have to admit, I was aggravated. Sitting here typing, I am in awe. I totally understand now. If given the chance to have more babies, I too, will probably have pictures on every wall, and some in storage too. My baby boy was only with me in utero for 6 short months and I have a complete baby book just for him. I have a wall portrait being made right now and numerous 4x6s of his sweet hands and feet.

I have a new respect for you Debbie Kelley Register. Thank you for that opportunity. Thank you for the love that you instilled upon your son Josh. I truly believe that is what has made him such a compassionate, loving husband. Thank you for the chance to live in the house that my husband grew up in. Despite the rickety porch and windows that need caulking, I can feel so much love in this place.

Guilt and Regret

Guilt and Regrets... I can't put into words the way I felt when they handed JD to me. The doctor warned me that he had been through some pretty awful trauma and that his face would be disfigured. Its not his physical features that hurt me. All I could think was that my baby boy had been taken from me. His spirit was gone to heaven and this lifeless body I was holding was just a shell. I hurt so bad and was so angry that he'd been taken.

I only held him for a short time. I regret that. I'm his mama. I should have held him as long as I could. They offered to take pictures of me holding him. I refused. I feel guilty and regret that too. Again, a mother should be proud of her baby. I AM proud of my baby but at that time, all I could feel was pain, emptiness and loss.

Sweet Dreams Little Man

"Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)"

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Life Before JD

For some strange reason, I used to always think I had something to prove. My house had to be spotless, my car needed to shine, I always had to be one step ahead at work. I worried about hurting people's feelings. I worried about not having enough money. I worried when I didn't have anything to worry about! If there's anything I've gotten from all of this it's that NOTHING IS IN MY CONTROL!!!! This being said from the one who is a control freak...

I am working on this situation. It really doesn't matter how much one worries anyway.

Yours Not Mine...

I bought a couple of books on grieving the loss of a child. Before I began reading one of the books I prayed that God would use the book to help me understand His plan for JD's loss. As I began reading, 'Grieving the Child I Never Knew,' by Kathe Wunnenberg, I heard these words come to my mind, "This child was never yours to begin with, Janie. He was a gift I shared with you and Josh for a short time." While I'm not exactly ok with that as of yet, I am reassured that my precious JD is in heaven with Jesus. I am thankful for the gift that God gave us, even if it was for 6 short months (no sarcasm intended there, Lord... I promise.)

I have to remember that my baby was indeed a gift that the Lord shared with us. While I am saddened, angry and lonely right now, I do know that God has a plan. I pray that one day I will discover that plan.

What Will You Be for Halloween?

So, I met Josh yesterday at Party City to pick out Halloween costumes for a party we are going to this Saturday night. I was looking forward to it all day and then when the time finally came to pick one out I got all sad. My neck started hurting, I got a headache and walked out of the store with nothing.

I had an orange t-shirt made the beginning of this month that had a big pumpkin on the belly and it said,'Mommy's Little Pumpkin.' I was just getting big enough to wear it and knew that by halloween it would look cute.

I feel so guilty having fun these days. I can't stand the thought of going to a party and actually having a good time. This Friday will only be 3 weeks since we discovered JD was gone.

I am going as JD's mom this year for Halloween. A mom who is faking happiness and trying to gain some control back into her life. I think that's enough of a costume right there...

JD's Birth Announcement

I was reluctant to entitle this entry 'JD's Birth Announcement.' He was stillborn. He never even breathed in air. I remember before his birth, I would contemplate the type of birth announcements I would send out. Would I scrapbook them or create digital ones? Would I send the pictures of his 4D ultrasound that were to be taken November 5th as thank you notes for his baby showers? I was so excited about sharing my boy with the people we love.

I am grateful to the nurses and doctors at TMH who made our emotionally painful experience less painful. I am eternally grateful to my sister Molly and best friend Amber for taking pictures of my sweet angel.

I can't figure out how to post pictures on here. When I do, I'll post some.

Butterflies, Rainbows and Shooting Stars

I love reading other people's blogs, especially those that I have something in common with. There's one I've been reading for the past 2 and half years called 'Multiple Baby Pile-Up.' I didn't really have much in common with the author of this blog up until the loss of my JD. If you get a chance to read her blog, you should. She finds humor in sad situations and has two of the most beautiful girls ever. While the mother of this blog's mourning situation is a bit different, I liked the way she describes her son Jack to her girls. See, she was pregnant with triplets. Her sweet baby boy lived about two months. The girls are now 3. To keep their brother's memory alive she reminds the girls that everytime they see a rainbow, butterfly or shooting star its their Jack looking over them from heaven. Her comments give me hope in knowing that whenever I see one of those things, I am reminded of my angel baby looking over us.

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Somedays my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown

So Now What...

Its been almost 2 weeks since we got the devastating news that we lost our baby boy. Now what? I feel like I should be done with the tears but on the other hand I feel guilty when I don't cry. I have this gaping hole in my heart that yearns for my baby boy. I have to return to work on the first of November. I need some normalcy so I am looking forward to going back. I just have to prepare myself for the awkward silence and unwanted comments that people don't mean to say but do.

I'll be honest, I'm dreading the holidays. I don't want to spend them with Josh's family as they joyously await the arrival of Kelley's baby girl. Don't get me wrong, I pray that her sweet baby is healthy and that Kelley has a easy delivery but everytime I see her I am reminded of what I don't have. I am reminded that all my dreams were flushed down the toilet.

They say when a person dies, the living have a tendency to make saints out of the dead whether they were or not. I can agree with that to a point, however, in my case, my boy is/was/always will be an angel.

I was just beginning to feel him move inside me before he was taken away. His movements were faint little tickles that came whenever I drank something cold or ate something sweet. I had all these dreams and hopes for him. Brad Paisley has a new song out about having a baby boy. When Josh and I heard it we immediately thought about JD. I just knew my boy was going to be just like his wonderful daddy.

I know that I am not special by any means. I know that there are other women with similar stories. I am not writing this for attention but rather for therapy in hopes to keep me off meds and out of the looney bin. I am trying to figure out what is, as my friend Trish would say, "my new normal." I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions. One minute I think I am ok and the next I feel like somebody hit me with a mac truck.

I have so many fears and anxieties. The doctors ran tests on me, my placenta and JD to see if they could determine what caused his sudden death. Now, I have to wait for answers. I am not good at waiting. Josh and I want to try this again but I stand in fear that this could happen again or worse, there won't be a next time. I have racked my brain trying to figure what I did to cause this but nothing comes to mind. I do know that I stayed so tired and nauseated. I had a short temper and wasn't a very nice person during my pregnancy. Surely that's not the reason?

JD's memorial

Josh's Uncle Gary performed a beautiful memorial service for JD on Saturday, October 16th. We decided to have JD cremated so we had a sterling silver box engraved with his name and date of birth to put his remains in. In lieu of flowers we asked people to make donations to Special Olympics, WAkulla. This way our Wakulla team can have new shoes and uniforms for competition.

Again, Josh and I were overwhelmed at the number of friends and family members that came to JD's memorial. Aunt Shirley bought JD a "going home" outfit several months ago. The outfit was way too big for our little angel. My friends Julie, Amber and Lisa left the hospital after visiting me on Saturday night and went to Dillards and bought him the preemie version of the outfit. That outfit was too small too. My sister Molly took the outfit to Amber's mom and she cut it down to size to fit JD! My mother and Molly took the outfit to the funeral home and Mom dressed him in his outfit and socks of course.

I stand in amazement at how much love my precious boy not only brought to this world but just how much love was shown to him in his short little life.

After the service, Josh and I wrote a letter to JD and tied it to a helium balloon. All the way home the balloon kept making its way to the front of the car. It was as if JD were saying, "Its ok Momma and Daddy, I am in heaven and doing good." It is comforting to know that he is there with Josh's mom, my daddy and grandma T. and many other relatives waiting to love on him. When we got home we let the balloon go and at first it wouldn't go up. Josh looked at the balloon and said, "go on buddy, we love you." Away it went into the sky.

Labor of Love

They say God won't put more on you than you can handle. I don't want to question Him for fear He'll put more on us, but this is probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through. You see, I didn't get pregnant to fill a void. Josh and I discussed having a baby. Ours lives were already complete. We have a great marriage. We both enjoy spending time together and apart. We just wanted to bring more joy to our lives so we decided to become parents. I didn't drink alcohol,smoke, or anything that would jeopardize this pregnancy. I took my vitamins, had my thyroid checked and Josh went to every prenatal visit with me.

The on-call doctor gave us the option of waiting for me to go into labor on our own or being induced. We chose induction. I began the induction process on Friday, October 8th at around 9:30pm. They gave me Staydoll for the pain but told me I could have an epidural whenever I was ready. I decided Saturday morning around 9:30am to take them up on their offer. Physically, the worst part of the whole deal, wasn't the labor, it was the IV! I've decided that epidurals are definitely the way to go and I absolutely adore anethesiologists! I woke up at 11:45pm Saturday evening with the worst pressure ever. (I won't get too graphic.) The Noles were finishing up eating the Miami Hurricanes and here I was about to begin labor.

I can't even describe emotionally what I felt. I just knew this was something I had to do but I didn't want to do it. I knew it was a means to an end that I just didn't want to believe or let go of. I truly do not believe I could have made it without the support of my husband and those that were praying for us.

I'm not going to get graphic with the delivery part but let's just say it wasn't easy delivering a breech baby at 25 weeks. My body didn't want to let him or his placenta go.

My precious angel JD, was born 10-10-2010 at 1:10am on Sunday morning. He had the longest feet and fingers. He weighed 1 lb 5 oz and was 14 and a half inches long. Despite the trauma at birth, you could still see his daddy's features on his sweet face.

I am overwhelmed at the friends and family members who drove over to TMH at midnight to be there for his birth. That means so much to me.

Our Story

Josh and I got married February 27th, 2010. Those of you who know me know that I waited a very long time to find Mr. Right. I joke about it now and say that I had to wait for him to reach puberty and come of age to date him, lol! I am 4 and half years older than he is. Josh is everything I prayed for in a husband. He is patient, determined, loyal and sensitive.

We had the perfect wedding. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. We were surrounded by the people we loved and despite the cold weather, everything turned out just as we had planned. I had my dream wedding.

We both knew we wanted children. Being aware of my age and how long "they" say it takes to get pregnant the first time, we decided to try right away. Imagine our surprise when after one full month of being off the pill, I became pregnant! What was really exciting is that Josh's sister Kelley was six weeks pregnant when we became pregnant. How wonderful it would be to have cousins so close together... or so we thought.

I had the worst morning sickness throughout the entire 6 months I was pregnant. It wasn't just in the morning either. Anything and everything set me off with the nausea but everytime I'd go for an OB appointment and hear JD's heartbeat or see his little profile on the ultrasound machine, it made it all worth it. I don't know who was more overjoyed to find out at week 19 that we were going to have a beautiful baby boy. We knew right away his name was going to be Joshua David Register, Jr. Just looking at the US pics he already had his daddy's profile. We decided to call him JD.

Josh hung new drywall and painted JD's room a tan color. A friend from work gave me the sweetest western crib bedding set. My mom bought JD's crib and dresser. Josh put it all together the day she bought it. We were so excited. At week 24 mom and I went to Babies R Us and registered for baby supplies. Josh and I had signed up for childbirth classes. They were to begin in November. We made an appointment to have 4D pictures made of JD for November 5th. We were ready.

All we needed was for January 220th to arrive so that we could meet our sweet baby boy. Imagine our devastation when we went for a routine 25 week OB appointment and discovered there was no heartbeat. JD was gone.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

I decided to change the title of my blog. My best friend, "surrogate sister" called me the other day to tell me that her children were going to plant a lemon tree in JD's memory. She asked them why and my eldest nephew, Noah replied, "because Mom, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." How precious is that? I am sitting here trying to think about what to write and where to begin. I am blogging again for the first time in 10 months in hopes to help ease the pain I feel. I quit blogging when I got busy earlier in the year with planning my wedding and getting hooked on Facebook. I still enjoy Facebook but some of the stuff I plan to blog about is too personal to post on there.