Its been almost 2 weeks since we got the devastating news that we lost our baby boy. Now what? I feel like I should be done with the tears but on the other hand I feel guilty when I don't cry. I have this gaping hole in my heart that yearns for my baby boy. I have to return to work on the first of November. I need some normalcy so I am looking forward to going back. I just have to prepare myself for the awkward silence and unwanted comments that people don't mean to say but do.
I'll be honest, I'm dreading the holidays. I don't want to spend them with Josh's family as they joyously await the arrival of Kelley's baby girl. Don't get me wrong, I pray that her sweet baby is healthy and that Kelley has a easy delivery but everytime I see her I am reminded of what I don't have. I am reminded that all my dreams were flushed down the toilet.
They say when a person dies, the living have a tendency to make saints out of the dead whether they were or not. I can agree with that to a point, however, in my case, my boy is/was/always will be an angel.
I was just beginning to feel him move inside me before he was taken away. His movements were faint little tickles that came whenever I drank something cold or ate something sweet. I had all these dreams and hopes for him. Brad Paisley has a new song out about having a baby boy. When Josh and I heard it we immediately thought about JD. I just knew my boy was going to be just like his wonderful daddy.
I know that I am not special by any means. I know that there are other women with similar stories. I am not writing this for attention but rather for therapy in hopes to keep me off meds and out of the looney bin. I am trying to figure out what is, as my friend Trish would say, "my new normal." I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions. One minute I think I am ok and the next I feel like somebody hit me with a mac truck.
I have so many fears and anxieties. The doctors ran tests on me, my placenta and JD to see if they could determine what caused his sudden death. Now, I have to wait for answers. I am not good at waiting. Josh and I want to try this again but I stand in fear that this could happen again or worse, there won't be a next time. I have racked my brain trying to figure what I did to cause this but nothing comes to mind. I do know that I stayed so tired and nauseated. I had a short temper and wasn't a very nice person during my pregnancy. Surely that's not the reason?
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3 comments:
Dearest Janie,
Oh, how my heart aches to read your words. You are so amazingly strong to go through this and be able to share what has happened to you. Don't you dare ever say that you are not special, because my dear friend, I am here to tell you that you ARE!! You deserve every bit of happiness that you have had and that which you will have! I surely don't have the answers for you, but I know that God keeps His promises, and I truly believe with all my heart that you WILL be a mommy one day! You're too special not to be! I am praying for you, and I love you, sweet friend! Your little angel baby will always have a place in your heart and in those hearts who prayed for him all along. Much love...
I don't think you did anything honey and all those symptoms you described are totally normal. I WAS A RAGING MANIAC....
JD was/is an angel and always will be. This world will never taint his perfect spirit.
The waiting would be absolute torture. I hope that they hurry up and give you some results. I know it won't change what has happened but maybe it will help you understand. Maybe it won't but knowing is always better than wondering...at least for me it is.
Your life won't ever be the same, you are right, you are going to have to adjust to a "new normal", eventually you will find you have such strength and JD will have given that to you.
Love you always
Trish
By the way the feelings about the holidays and seeing other pregnant people are totally normal. Please don't feel bad about it. I HATED seeing pregnant people after Makily was born. While our situations are somewhat different, pregnant women reminded me of how blissfully happy I was before she came and how INCREDIBLY CHAOTIC my world had become once she was here and so near death and sick. It was very hard.
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