Guilt and Regrets... I can't put into words the way I felt when they handed JD to me. The doctor warned me that he had been through some pretty awful trauma and that his face would be disfigured. Its not his physical features that hurt me. All I could think was that my baby boy had been taken from me. His spirit was gone to heaven and this lifeless body I was holding was just a shell. I hurt so bad and was so angry that he'd been taken.
I only held him for a short time. I regret that. I'm his mama. I should have held him as long as I could. They offered to take pictures of me holding him. I refused. I feel guilty and regret that too. Again, a mother should be proud of her baby. I AM proud of my baby but at that time, all I could feel was pain, emptiness and loss.
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You know what Janie, you just learned a number one lesson for Mom's, no matter what decision you make and no matter the outcome of that decision, you will face regret, guilt, joy, sadness and second guessing. Not a day goes by that I don't second guess decisions I make with Donovan and Natalie, regret things that I passed up on because of one thing or another, guilt that I am not giving them every ounce of me that there is, but you also know that there is love behind every action you take, even the ones that don't seem like it at first. JD knows that you loved him with every ounce of your being, even if the pain you felt at the moment took over the decisions you made. He knows that you and Josh will love him forever and will remember him always, even when you are out enjoying life, because both JD and God want you both to enjoy life, to live everyday with the joy that is meant to be felt in everything you do. Don't feel guilty for feeling like you are moving past your grief, it is part of the process, I never went through what you are going through exactly, so I can't say that I know exactly how you feel, but I can tell you that life will move forward, and you and Josh deserve all the happiness that you can get from it, you are both very special people!
Janie, I felt the same the night Makily was born.
I vividly recall them taking pictures and me thinking WHY ON EARTH ARE THEY TAKING PICTURES OF THIS!? You are normal (well kinda :-)
Hello Janie, I wish I had an email to send this to you privately, but a comment at your blog will do.
I miscarried my baby on April 19. Since then, I have been planning on building a pregnancy-loss specific website, where mothers can get information in a way that is sensitive. The way the site works, a mom will be led through a path of links specific to her needs. At different points on her path, I will invite her to read a story from a mother who lost her baby at the same age as hers. While the website will allow for all mothers to share their stories, the ones that are linked in these paths are chosen by me. I want these stories to be honest, showing the mix of feelings, but also showing courage and inspiration. Yours does that. I know you have already blessed mothers with your experience, but with your permission, I'd like you to bless even more with your story. The site is still being built, and the only ones who know about it are mothers contributing their stories, but I will show you the link to your story, the story that other mothers will be led to. If you object to this, please just email me immediately (kcchristiandoula (at) yahoo (dot ) com). I hope this blesses you: http://stillbirthday.com/2011/07/29/25-weeks-my-story/
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