Good News!

Keep your fingers crossed and say some prayers... After a week home on vacation, my sister and brother-in-law have decided to try and move back for good. Eric has applied to several places around town. Hopefully someone will contact with a good offer. In the meantime, please say some prayers for me!

I make a difference... do I really?

Have you ever had one of those days where you just felt crappy? Maybe its because my sister and nephew left to go back to New Orleans today or it could be because I made some dumb remark, not thinking first, to somebody and offended them. I'm not sure what it is. All I know is I'm in a funk and I can't figure out how to fix it.

Last week there was a shooting in Panacea, a small fishing town just south of where I live. Come to find out the shooter was a kid I taught my first year as a teacher. As it turns out, the shooting is thought to be gang related and some of the other boys involved were students in some of the classes I taught last year. (rumors have said it was over a girl, drugs, theft) Its really depressing being a teacher, especially an ESE teacher. Statistics aren't good. Its funny because you read these catchy phrases like, "I make a difference, I teach. I touch lives, I teach." Hrmm... do I? I know, I know I can't save the world, but its hard to be even a little bit hopeful when I hear about things like this.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this entry, but I do know it makes me think even harder about how to handle situations. Even what some might call silly situations, like two 3 year olds fighting over a race car or being first in line, need serious thought-planned strategies.

An administrator from our district had the nerve to ask if our pre-k students really needed a character education plan. Well, until there aren't anymore shootings I think the answer is, "YES!!!"

I've been in some sort of education for 9 years now. Sometimes I wonder if I'll make it 30 years. Its depressing. The pay, the ratios, the way people pity me (including family members) for the career I have chosen and then to top it off, you find out a former student of yours takes another human beings life! I don't blame myself for what he did, but sometimes I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall trying "to make a difference," when the higher ups would rather spend their money elsewhere.

What's a Girl to Do?

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...
Its funny, I spent most of my life anticipating the day I'd grow up, move out of my house and not be responsible for anybody in my family. The day finally came and while I've enjoyed the past few years getting to know myself, I have to admit that I want my family back.

As you all know, my sister and brother-in-law recently had a baby boy who I can't seem to get enough of. I am here in Louisiana for spring break and loving every minute of it! So, the point of the my blog... my sister and brother-in-law have invited me to move here and live with them until I get settled into my own place. I had already planned on staying here over the summer and keep Thomas while Molly ties up lose ends at work. (she's decided to stay home with Thomas but has to work six weeks this summer to finish up some things.)

I'm not sure what to do. It would be great to move here for a number of reasons. Thomas for starters, but also the fact that Molly and I have begun to get to know each other as sisters versus me being her second parent. I really enjoy and appreciate her friendship. Financially this would be a good thing, too since Molly and Eric told me I could stay with them and save some $. (I think I could do it knowing that it would only be for a few months.) I found out the rent here is comparable to what I pay in C'ville but teachers make a lot more here.

On the other side of the coin, I have a pretty decent job in Wakulla. The actual work environment could be cleaner, ratios lower, and the pay could be higher but all in all, I like what I do. I have friends in Wakulla, my mom lives walking distance from me, and I feel apart of the community. I get a bit emotional when I think about leaving all of that.

I know many of you are reading this and probably thinking I'm ADHD being as how I just moved back from West Palm Beach. That move to and away from West Palm was a good thing and I don't regret either decision. Great things came about as a result of both.

Others of you may be thinking that since I'm so co-dependent that this is a way for me to "feed" that co-dependency. (moving to LA to be near Thomas and help Molly and Eric out.) The funny thing is, I don't think that's what it is. Molly and Eric are doing just fine. I am very proud of the parents they have become. When I come to visit, I help out but I don't feel taken advantage of. I also don't have that panicky need to do more. (a feeling I used to have before some great counseling.)

I've been praying about this alot lately and ask that you will pray for me as well. I don't want to make a hasty decision but the thought of being away from this little guy breaks my heart. I don't want to be the aunt Thomas sees a few times a year. I want to be apart of his life. I know ultimately its my decision whether to move or stay put but I'd love your opinion on the matter. Take Care!
Love, J

The Incredible Shrinking Woman!

October 2006

January 2007

March 24, 2007

Ok, so maybe I've got a few more tens of pounds to lose but I had to post these pics. I'm pretty proud of myself.

More pics of my handsome bear!!

Sportin' my Oaklies from my Aunt J. (I know that they aren't really Oaklies but she's a teacher and she just doesn't make much. I won't tell her the truth.) She bought me the hat too and she's going to beat my momma's butt when she sees her because that does NOT go with the outfit I am wearing!

I love my Nana! She sure is soft and cushiony.

snoozin...

I have cheekbones!

Hi Friends! I am feeling much better this week. I think I'm over the withdrawal effects of the effexor. Now, I'm just dealing with sinuses. I went to the doctor yesterday and got an antibiotic for a sinus infection. The nausea comes and goes but is nothing compared to last week's episode. I think I'll live!

There's nothing earthshattering to write about today. I do have a couple of funny stories to share but that's about it. One deals with school. One of my students came into today and told me that her momma's butt swallowed her underwear. After laughing so hard I almost peed my pants I called her momma, who happens to teach with me, and told her what she said. She said that her daughter walked in on her while she was getting dressed, she was wearing a thong! There's never a dull moment at pre-k! Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am for my job? I have friends who teach at other schools in the county and let me just tell you, I'm blessed.

Another funny story deals with my friend's husband. My friend Jes wants me to meet her single neighbor. So she mentioned it to her husband and he nonchalantly stated, "You know, maybe they like being single. That's probably why they aren't married." Men are so smart!

On being single... I have had about 3 or 4 friends tell me they want me to meet these single guys, but nobody has actually done anything to try and hook me up! I'm not really in the mood for anything serious but Lord, do I have to put a 'for sale' sign on my butt? Somebody hook me up for goodness sakes. I"m not sure how to go about advocating for myself. And, I don't want to sound desperate.

Oh, I discovered something exciting this weekend. I have cheekbones! Is that exciting or what? Some of you may not understand what I mean, but for me it means I'm still losing weight. It has been very slow and I still have a LONG way to go but its a good feeling when I notice these small changes.

Well that's about it for now. I don't have any new pics of my nephew yet. I'm going through Thomas withdrawals. I need to make another trip. Write me when you get a chance. I miss you all! Love, J

This too, shall pass...

So, I realized that today marks one whole year since I moved back from West Palm Beach. I guess I should no longer use the phrase, "I just recently moved back." I miss my friends and family "down south" but I know that this move back was the best thing for me.

Its 3:30am and I should probably be sleeping but since I fell asleep at around 7pm last night I'm just not that tired. No, I'm not depressed, just exhausted. Still catching up from the weekend, I guess. I went out with a group of friends Friday night and we didn't get home until around 3am Saturday morning. I then got up and drove my mom to the airport in Jacksonville. I now realize why I don't go out more often. For one, drinking totally messes up my diet and exercise regime, not to mention the fact that my intestines still feel like they are somewhere up around my boobs. (I know, not a pretty picture!) This isn't a 'feel sorry for Janie entry', just me rambling about why its NOT healthy for me to go out and drink like a fish out of water! For those of you who are wondering, I don't do this on a regular basis, the last time was in November. I have a great friend who has an adorable little girl with special needs. Her little girl eats using a g-tube. Anytime she gets sick, her digestive tract gets out of whack and lets just say, "it ain't pretty." After reading Trish's updates on Makily, I no longer feel sorry for myself.

So last Thursday was my last day on my Effexor. Geez, its been a whole week! The withdrawal effects have NOT been fun but overall I feel positive about going off of it. That could be another reason why I've been feeling crummy. Not depressed crummy, just physically crummy. The first couple of nights off of it, I had the most vivid dreams that left me feeling exhausted the next day. You know, if I'm going to have dreams involving running, I should at least be able to lose some weight from them! I've been terribly nauseated but that could just be my postnasal drip. Although I haven't felt sick from that in quite some time. I've also been getting those heart races, for lack of a better term. Sorry my grammar isn't the greatest this time of morning! Tuesday night as I was waiting to meet a friend for dinner two phrases came to mind: "that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger," and "there's light at the end of the tunnel." All in all I feel positive about this situation. If, once the physical symptoms wear off and I'm feeling depressed, I'll contact my doctor and get a different med. I just want to try life without it for a while. I feel like my self-esteem is much better than it used to be and I've got a lot of great tools in my bag.

You know, I was thinking back to when I first got on "meds," 7 years ago. It makes me sad looking back on why I think I started taking them. My mom got married and moved to GA. to live with her husband and my sister moved to LA to live with her now husband. Coming from a co-dependent emeshed family, I was devastated. I had nobody to take care of and to top it off, I felt totally abandoned. So, I cried. I cried all the time. I was ashamed of the crying but I was more ashamed to ask for help. You know, back then, I thought only crazy people needed therapy. So, as a quick fix, I started taking anti-depressants. I've grown alot in the past 7 years. It makes me sad to think about the reason for going on meds. The humor in all of it is that even at the highest dose of effexor, zoloft, celexa, (not all at one time of course!) I still cried! You know why I cried? Because, that's what some people do to deal with emotions. I have since come to know the difference between clinical depression and your typical "I'm broke, fat, lonely this-to-shall-pass" depression. Well, its almost 4am and I should get some sleep. Take Care!

A Day In The Life Of...

All in a Day’s Work,,,
A Day in the Life of A Preschool Teacher…

If you’ve never been to preschool, you’re really missing out. It’s a ball of fun! Ok, so maybe not ALL of this happens in one day, and maybe I’ve exaggerated on some of it, but ALL of it has happened in some form or fashion at one time or another. Yes, you’ll find some sarcasm and No, this isn’t all that we do. I have taught many places, seen different faces across the races, but this by far is the best place to be.

8:15am Receive a 20 minute explanation from a mother as to why her child won’t be at school today.
8:30am Open new containers of play dough since batch number 20 has dried out or been rubbed into the carpet.
8:40am Pry a child of his mother, reminding him that he likes school.
9:00am Remind a new student that we only pee in the bathroom rather pulling our pants down in front of God and everybody outside (not in those exact words of course!)
9:10am Ooh and aah over a spider stuck in the boy’s bathroom urinal.;
9:15am redirect a child from cutting another child’s nose
9:30am Praise a child for opening milk carton by herself;
9:31 am Mop up the milk she spilt on the floor as she was opening the milk carton all by herself
9:35am Say Pledge: “I pledge allegiance, put the stick down, to the flag, put the stick down, of the United States of America…” (grab stick from child)
10:00am Encourage my student with autism to swing without my help by signing “NO, STOP” when he puts a death grip on my wrist
10:05am Remind a little boy that yesterday when he spun himself around on the tire swing he threw up
10:25am Child hands me her hand band AFTER it’s fallen in the toilet
10:30am Attempt to read a book called “The Foot Book;” while asking children to wait and tell their stories AFTER I finished mine
10:31am smell a disgusting odor and ask who pooped their pants
10:32am Find kid who pooped pants only to discover it happened an hour ago and its stuck to his butt
10:40am Redirect child with autism to get off of the book shelf.
11:00am Had to explain for the 10th time that I did NOT give birth to a baby this weekend, my sister did
11:30am Remind children to clean up their areas; explain again that the reason the picture labels are on the toy boxes is so that they will know where things go
12:00pm Praise children for trying something new on their plate; make a slam dunk when I throw away a roll that’s fallen on the floor; encourage child with autism to try strawberries
12:30pm Help children lie down and tell them to let their bodies rest so that when they wake up they’ll have more energy
1:00pm get mooned by a four year old when I strongly encourage him to be quiet at naptime
1:15pm write out daily reports while making idle threads to children who continue to make noise during naptime
1:30pm eat my lunch and potty
1:45pm frantically change bus tags so that children get to the right place after school
2:00pm Encourage a kid with oppositional-defiant disorder to pee on the spider in the urinal. (he refused to pee and I didn’t want to change pee pants!)
2:30pm Tell 18 preschoolers that I love them and will see them tomorrow.
3:00pm Receive call number 4 from an anxious dad; assure him that YES, I put his child on the bus
3:30pm Dump sand from my shoes; take off my badge and head for the comforts of home. Once home, laugh at the fact that I actually went to college for this!

Just a few pics!

Just thinkin' about how safe I am in my daddy's arms. (3 days old)

Sleepy Bear, after one whole day at home.

My tiny hand on my Aunt J's chest.

My sweet feet, 2 days old at the EJMRC Hospital.
A kiss from my Aunt J while I snooze!

Ooh, what a big yawn!

Hi Friends! Whew! What an exhausting yet beautiful weekend. After stopping in Spanish Forte, Alabama (I think that's what it's called), to wait on a tornado to pass through, I finally made it New Orleans to meet my beautiful nephew. Let me just tell you, after this trip, I definitely believe in divine intervention. I realized that in my rush to get out the door Thursday morning I forgot to pack an overnight bag and a jacket. (My sister asked me to stay the night with her at the hospital. I knew it would be freezing in there and all I had brought was my big suitcase. I was NOT about to haul that thing around the hospital. So, as I was driving along the interstate I noticed an exit for an Old Navy. As I'm looking around the ON I hear this loud thunder and then what I thought was the skying falling. So, I figure I'd better wait for the showers to pass before getting back on the interstate. Finally they stop. As I'm walking to my car, the cashier from the World Market sticks her head out the door and using the deepest southern accent you could ever use, says, " Ma'am, you'd better get to shelter fast. A tornado just hit the Fort and its headed our way." So, I calmly asked her where to go, as I don't frequent Alabama and had no idea where the hell I was at. She suggested I go across the street to the Holiday Inn or a Wal-Mart a few miles down the road, then says I have like 2 minutes to get there! I don't know about you, but it takes me two minutes just to park and walk to the front doors of a Wal-Mart. As for the hotel, from where I was standing, it looked like it was on the other side of the interstate so I didn't want to go there. That's when I saw a Cracker Barrell. So, I stopped there and asked the 5 or so employees, who might I add, were standing outside with there hands in their pockets looking dumbfounded, if I could come in. They said sure and if the tornado hit I could go into the freezer as was the protocol for tornados! After about an hour, I was told it was safe to leave. So, I get back on the interstate and you'll never guess what I drove through??? Yep, the area where the fort was. Had I not gotten off to shop, I might have ended up on The Wizard of Oz!

I arrived at the hospital around 8:30 Thursday night Central time. As expected I cried when I saw my nephew. It was a happy cry though. Thomas is a symbol of hope for our family. He is such a delight! He only cries when he is hungry or needs a diaper change. He is such a cuddle bear. I left around 2pm Sunday. I think it was the hardest thing I've ever done.

After this experience, I've decided my sister Molly, is my new hero. My brother-in-law Eric, in my book, is pretty cool too. Come to find out, Molly was in labor without pain meds for 12 hours before they did an emergency C-section! After the C-section, she was in miserable pain despite meds. She had to have help with everything... EVERYTHING. I talked to her today and she sounds like she's feeling much better. Poor Eric is working is butt off, living on sleep deprivation. I'm really grateful for this little gift they gave us (Thomas), but if I've learned anything from this experience, its that I will NOT be birthin' no babies!

Finally, most of you know what I think about New Orleans, Louisiana, so I won't go into details. Let's just say to me its the dirtiest, rudest place, next to Paris of course, that I've been to. Everything changed on this particular visit, I heard birds chirping and the sun shined. (I know I'm cheezy.)

Beer, Men, Chocolate, and Sushi:

Four things I can't seem to get enough of! The problem is, when consumed in an over abundance, bad things seem to happen. You know, weight gain, hang overs, and just plain feeling crappy. (Ok, I guess using the word 'consumed' doesn't really make sense in regards to the men for this particular entry, but let me explain!) So, a couple of weeks ago I noticed this guy teacher from our local high school had moved into my complex. I had noticed him when I taught there last spring but was too busy with other issues in life to talk to him. Since some time has passed and I am feeling more confident about myself I decided to pursue him. (sorry about the grammar) So, I bought some cookies and thought I'd take them over to him, you know, and welcome him to the neighborhood. (That way I could figure out if he was single or not.) My friend Maggie suggested I bake cookies or at least put the store bought cookies in a container to make them look like they were home made. I politely told her that where I come from, if a stranger gives you something home made, you definitely do NOT eat it, it could be poisonous. (do my South Florida friends agree???) So, I wait all day to deliver the cookies but he never comes home. I burned alot of calories going up and down those damn stairs checking to see if he was home! So, the next day, I ask around at school about him. Oh the priviledges of living in a small town! By 2:30pm I found out that he had a crazy ex-wife, two or three kids, enjoyed gambling and extra marital affairs. Boy, can I pick them? I'm sure glad he didn't get my cookies. So, I'm back to my old theory for finding a man... unless he falls out of the sky with a note from God that says, "Janie, I made him for you," I quit. No more, surfing the internet, no more baking... I mean buying, cookies. Right now, I'm going to concentrate on losing weight, enjoying my nephew (once he arrives) and being happy with the status quo. As for the beer, sushi and chocolate. I think I'm going to have to go cold turkey in those areas too!

While I'm waiting on my self-tanner to dry, I thought I'd update my blog. Well, Molly and Eric have an official date for Thomas' delivery date. (That sounds like he's being sent UPS...) Anyway, due to a lack of private rooms, my sister has agreed to wait and be induced Monday night. If Thomas doesn't arrive within 12 hours of labor, Molly will have a c-section. I don't know much about having babies but as much difficulty as she's had already, I'd go ahead and vote for the c-section. I don't think I'd want to labor for 12 hours. I won't be able to be there for his birth but I'm going over Thursday, March 1st and stay until Sunday. That way I can get in alot of 'Thomas time' (oh Lord, I already sound like a dork!)

As I wait, my anxiety is building. Of course it could be the combination of many things. One, I'm down to 37.5 mg on my anti-anxiety meds. I'm trying to get off of it and see if I can make it with exercise and therapy. If I can't I'll try something new. Recent studies have found that the one I'm on is linked to liver damage. I think its linked to me being tired and hungry all of the time, too (hence the weight gain???). Of course the quack of a doctor I saw last month said that could be depression. Trust me, I definitely know what depression feels like and this ain't it!

I also realized that I had a huge cup of diet coke with breakfast this morning. That's my next goal... to cut the diet coke. I swear I'm addicted. Do they have AA for that? If I don't drink it I get nauseated and a headache. If I drink too much, I get the jitters and clumsy.

Finally, there's the fact that I'm presenting at TCC this afternoon with my co-teacher, Amber. We are presenting on 'The Art of Co-Teaching.' Can you believe it? I tried co-teaching two years ago and could NOT do it. I absolutely adore the person I taught with, but I had my own issues (another saga for another day), and it just didnt' work. I also didn't give it enough time either. Anyway, Amber and I work pretty well together and that's what our topic is on.

Well, I've got to finish getting ready. Take Care! J

For the first time in a long time...

You know what? For the first time in a long time I am happy. Not in a crazy, living life half drunk happy. Nope, this is the I-have-300 dollars-left in my checking account till payday, oh God please don't let anything break-happy! You know what I mean. I am satisfied with me. When I look in the mirror, I see a beautiful successful woman who is encouraged about her future. Being married with kids or having lots of money or owning a big home isn't going to determine who I am anymore. (Which is a good thing, since I don't have any of those things, lol.) No, my doctor hasn't upped my meds, I'm just at peace. Its funny, because I'm starting to notice things like birds chirping, the fresh smell of clean clothes, and how beautiful my mother looks when she talks about the upcoming arrival of her first grandson.

Which, by the way, the doctor is planning on inducing Molly next Sunday evening, unless the baby decides to come sooner. Please keep her and Eric in your prayers. Molly is scared out of her mind. Can you blame her? Everytime I think about what she's about to do, my stomach hurts. I called her last Wednesday and she was cleaning her kitchen. For those of you who know my sister, you know that she doesn't clean, so this was a shocker. I think she's nesting. Her contractions are 10 minutes apart, so anyday now!!! I will be posting pictures as soon as Thomas graces us with his presence.

As for Jenny Craig, I'm still going strong. I'm only down 10 and half pounds, but I swear I'm losing inches. Clothes I haven't worn since West Palm Beach are actually fitting. I have more energy. Yes, energy. I've been able to jog for 20 minutes straight and I wasn't running from the police. Can you believe it? Well, I'm off to the gym. Write me back and tell me what's going on in your neck of the woods. Love you, J

Internet dating and bungee jumping

You know, I swear that going on an internet dating site is alot like bungee jumping without the proper gear on. NEED I SAY MORE??? Luckily this time I haven't had any bites, but I just got finished looking at the site and asking my self why in the hell did I pay $60 for this? I swear when you are contemplating joining they have a menu of great looking guys with decent jobs all of whom appreciate a variety of women. I'm beginning to think they hire these men for purely advertising purposes because now that I'm a member all of those guys have been replaced with country bumpkins, men who still live with their mommas, or have 5 kids! At first I thought, "Well maybe its where you are looking." So, I plugged in other zipcodes at random. More wierdos! Now, before anybody gets pissed reading this because they found their husband on the internet, I'm not saying they are all wierdos, so don't take it personally. Lord, this is exhausting. For $60 bucks I could have at least gotten a great looking tattoo!

What is Jenny Craig?

As I sit here enjoying my Jenny Craig cuisine I am reminded of an entry I've been wanting to write for a couple of weeks now. As you all know I HATE doctors. There are two types of people in this world who intimidate me, one group is lawyers and the other is doctors. While in my head I know that I am just as good as they are, in my heart there is this twinge of intimidation that I haven't worked through just yet. So, I muster up the courage to make an appointment for a physical. When I call, I specifically ask if I can get a physical and discuss my meds. "Why yes Miss Tucker, but you will have to wait until January 16th." "Not a problem," I say. So, on January 16th, heart pounding, palms sweaty, I gather my meds, vitamins included and go to my appointment. (I was sure to brush my teeth, wear my best drawers AND I shaved my legs!) After sitting for what seems like an eternity, I actually meet the doctor. She shakes my hand and says with a German/Swedish-I'm-not- from- America- accent (not trying to be racist just setting the stage), "What are we doing today?" So, I tell her. She huffs and says, "What?!! I can't give you a physical AND go over your meds in one visit. I have 7 other patients to see after your visit and they all have issues just like you do. I'd be here till 8:30pm tonight if I did all of what your asking." At this point I am taken back and start to get up and leave, but I figure I've paid my $15 and she's holding the prescription pad. I also decide that I do NOT need a physical from this brute of a woman. So we talk about my meds. She looks at my labs from October and asks me if I realized that I was borderline diabetic. WHAT?!! I mean I know I'm fat, I'm not stupid but when I called about my results they said everything looked normal. She tells me that if I lose weight I probably wouldn't get diabetes. You think? So, I tell her that I am trying to lose weight (the story of my life!) by going to Jenny Craig. She smirks and says, again in her German-Swedish accent, "What is this Jenny Craig?" So I tell her. She says, "I personally don't believe in diets. You should be able to do this by just eating sensibly. " Well, Hells Bells, if I'd of known that I wouldn't be fat, now would I? She then goes on to ask me how to spell Jenny Craig and what happens when I go off the diet? Yadda Yadda Yadda. Lord, the more I type this the angrier I get. So, I leave her office more determined to lose weight because of her third degree about Jenny. Can I just say, that I've researched weight loss plans. Hell, I've tried just about all of them. I read everything I can get my hands on. This plan works! Oh, sorry, I digressed. So the next day, I'm at work and tell my co-teacher about this doctor. About that time another teacher's daughter (who is 4!), walks in and here's me say Jenny Craig. She says, "Miss Janie, Jenny Craig, its what makes you lose weight." Now tell me, do you need a PhD for that?

I am the girl who...

Hi Friends! I hope everybody is staying warm and dry. Things are going well here. I am still happy where I live, I like my job and all is well. If you remember from a previous entry I told you that my niece and nephew (Jes' kids) bought me TKD lessons for Christmas. Well, tonight was my first and LAST class. I did fine until the instructor paired me up with this country bumkin from the sticks. He had been to a few more classes than me so he thought he knew everything. So, he felt it was his duty to teach me. Unfortunately, he didn't have a teaching degree and sucked. He mumbled and couldn't explain himself properly. I know I internalized the situation but all these bad memories came flooding through my mind and I was on the verge of tears, so I left. Yep, I left 15 minutes before the class was over. I started thinking about things like the time I tried out for the flag corp in high school, learning to line dance for the Miss Wakulla Pageant, playing softball for the church and cheerleading for the rec park in 6th grade (what a joke that was!) I was also upset because I knew before going that I am NOT coordinated and shouldn't be there. But I thought I'd be optimistic and try something new, have an open-mind. Bull- I am NOT coordinated and that is ok by me. I have just recently learned to drink water while walking on the treadmill. I am the girl who enjoys writing, scrapbooking, shopping, etc.

I stopped by my mom's after I left the class knowing that if I told her what I had done, she'd get onto me for being hard on myself and leaving the class early. I still needed to talk to her. Yep, she got onto me. She said, "What do you tell your kids when they have trouble learning a new task?" Its different, I think. Them learning to go potty or how to walk doesn't affect whether other people win or lose.

I'm proud of myself because my first instinct was to stop by McDonalds and get a cheeseburger Happy Meal, but I didn't. Instead I'm going to go eat my yummy Jenny Craig meal. First I need to scrub my feet. I had to work barefoot on plastic mats at TKD. Can someone say, "There's a Fungus Among Us?"

Whew, I feel a bit better. I hope everyone is doing good! Love, J

Dating, Weddings, Babies...

(Me and Molly at her shower. 1/13/07)

You get the picture! I guess things aren't necessarily done in that order these days, but for me, I'd like to believe that would be the order. So, I've signed up on Match.com...AGAIN. I swore I wouldn't do it again, but I'm lonely and I'd like to have a date or two. Don't worry, I'm not settling. If its not in God's plan for me to marry, then I'll be single, but until He Fedex's me a note telling me to stop trying, I've got to meet some men! I sure don't meet them in my line of work and generally on the rare occasions when I do go out, I find men only wanting booty calls. I'm too old for that and besides, its just not safe. I was going to wait until I lost a bunch of weight but you know, that may never happen so I've got to start living.

This isn't a "feel sorry for me" entry, I just felt like writing about it. I guess because we gave Molly (my sister) a baby shower this weekend or it could be because I went wedding shopping with a friend who's getting married in July. Another friend of mine, Maggie is getting married in May to her high school sweetheart. What are the chances that two people go their separate ways only to reconnect after 10 years?!! I am thrilled for them. She has asked me to be her maid of honor and I couldn't be more happy about it. I'm even more honored because its a VERY small wedding and I'm included on the list to invite. My nephew is due the first week of March, but my sister is getting so big, that her doctor thinks that he may take the baby around the 15th of February. I am so excited! I plan to spoil him rotten. (within limits of course) Molly looks so beautiful but I swear if somebody put a pin in her she'd pop! She's having trouble breathing because her belly is so big.

You know, my therapist asked me the other day if I was jealous because my sister is having a baby and my friends are getting married. I don't think so. I'm really happy for them. Selfishly, I'm happy for me too because I get to celebrate in their joy. Yeah, I'm lonely at times, but I'm an optimist and I know that God just isn't finished grooming my man yet. He's going to have to be pretty special to deal with me!

Resilient

So the other day, after feeling like a leech glued to Maggie and L.R.'s couch (remember I was sick) I decided to stop being a slug and get up and go outside. It was about 11:30am on Thursday. Nice and sunny but still cool enough that one needed a jacket. I was only going to the mailbox and the trash bin so I figured I didn't need a jacket. The apartment complex parking lot was empty so I didn't bother to put a bra on. I was going to be quick right? (sorry, don't picture it, but as my friend Wendi would say, "I'm setting the stage.") Well, wouldn't you know it, the door locked behind me!!!! There I was, white as lightening, in flannel boxer shorts, an oversized pink FSU t-shirt, socks and my Nikes. No cell phone, no money, nothing! When I was a girl scout leader the first thing I taught my girls was to NEVER go anywhere without a cell phone! Not to mention the fact that my grandma is probably doing somersaults in her grave for me going out of the house without a bra. Well, I had to do something. So, I folded my arms over my chest and went to the neighbors' house and knocked. No answer. Damn, where were those college kids when you needed them. So, I went to the next house and knocked. A little old lady pulled the door open just enough to look out and say, "Can I help you?" I humbly explained my situation and asked if I could use the phone. Now, let me tell you. In Florida, especially where I was raised, you don't let strange people into your home. Not only did the lady let me in, but she offered me something to drink and let me sit in her warm living room until somebody could come and let me in. Now that's hospitality. Not to mention brave.

Oh, so the reason for the title of my entry, resilient. That's what Maggie called me when she got home. She said, " You sure are resilient." Yeah, I'm resilient all right, but WHY when things like that happen to me, do I cry? I cried when I called to ask for help. I had the best visit with Maggie but spent most of Thursday crying as I was preparing to leave. Its not like I won't see her again. I guess its my anxiety getting the best of me. I'm such a cry baby that I wouldn't blame her if she didn't want to continue our friendship. You know, I've cried my whole life and I hate it. I feel weak and out of control. The funny thing is, if I see someone else crying I don't consider them weak or crazy. Well, that's about it for now. Just thought I'd get that off of my chest. Love you, Janie

Happy Holidays!

I hope everybody had a great Christmas and Happy New Year! My Christmas was uneventful, which if you know my family, this is a good thing. I enjoyed spending Christmas day with my mom, step-dad, grandma, aunt, uncle and cousins. My cousin Erica brought her two daughters over. The oldest one is 16 months and the baby is about 6 weeks old. They are adorable! I almost got baby fever. Remember I said, 'Almost.' It faded shortly after I realized that if I was holding the baby and keeping the 16 month old from climbing on the table I couldn't eat. My niece and nephew gave me a month's worth of tai kwon do lessons and the white suit that goes with it for Christmas. This should be a comical experience for everyone. I am NOT coordinated! I also got a new gameboy and other cool stuff.

I celebrated the New Year with a very dear friend of mine and her fiance in West Va. We went to a hibache restaurant for dinner. I barely made it up for New Years though, due to a nasty cold I've contracted. I'm quite pissed. I take a ton of preventative meds and still I get sick! Nevertheless, I am having a great time visiting them. I just pray that they don't catch my creeping crud. I've been sanitizing things like crazy. I love West Virginia. I love the people, the history and mountains. No snow this time. I was really hoping for some. I've done some shopping too. I don't know what it is but I always find great deals on clothes in my size here! Its a big girl's dream come true! Well, I should go. Take Care! J

So, I applied for this job at the pre-school where I work. They were hiring an ESE staffing specialist who would be housed at our pre-school. The person would concentrate on our pre-k and the Dick Howser center. (they get the ESE kiddos birth to 3). I interviewed quite well. I looked good too. (Thanks for the suit, Staci!) After all my hard work to prepare and look exceptionally professional, I didn't get the job.

You know what? It was a good experience and I'm glad I didn't get the job. Since August, I've been struggling with where I belong. I loved pre-k, but was overwhelmed with teaching 18 little friends with varying disabilities. The building we teach in is old and I'm sure infested with mold. The water is bad and we don't have enough help. I just thought I wasn't doing a good job. You know me, when the going gets tough, the tough tries to get out as fast as she can!

In November, through a partnership with Elder Care services, we were given a foster grandma. She is amazing! She sees things that sometimes my co-teacher and I overlook because we are so busy with day to day tasks. She also helps take the load off of us. (we still have to change stinky diapers though) My co-teacher is awesome too. She has helped me to see just how much we are teaching these kiddos. Its amazing how much they are doing for themselves. Melanie talked to another teacher, (something she wouldn't have done in August.) Dominick put his hands in glue. Will signed, "Go, bye," AND blew me a kiss! Lord, what was I thinking applying for that other job? I have finally found my nich! Now, I still come home dirty and tired. I don't have all the right answers nor do I claim to but I'm learning!

I'm creating a list of things I've learned so far while at pre-k. Here are some of them:
1. If a pre-schooler says they gotta go, YOU better go!
2. Its ok to cry at pre-school. Teachers can too!
3. Opening your own carton of chocolate milk IS a big deal.

I'll add more later! Love you, J

Part Two of Things You Shouldn't Skimp On

My aunt called after I wrote part one of this post and said I really should tell people my bra size on the internet. I told her, "Why lie? Its not like you can't see them!" I know what she meant. She's just has more class than I do. (Love you, Aunt Barbara!)

So, I got my January paycheck and went shopping. I decided to bite the bullet and go to Lane Bryant. I told the sales clerk, "Look, I teach preschoolers. I don't have time for my drawers to fall down to my knees all day. I'm a pretty decent size girl, but I don't have a butt. What do you suggest?" With a straight face, she suggested two types of underwear. I bought 10 pair! I told her if they didn't work to expect to see me back the next day to return them. Guess what... they stayed up! I also bought two bras. They came with these air pockets to put in them. You know what, they work! They actually help hold my ta-tas up. I look really good. I think it actually takes away from the rolls that my stomach creates. So, a little over $150 later, I have 10 new pair of drawers and two bras! I am a new woman.