Wearing My Feelings On My Sleeves

I was raised to believe that crying is a sign of weakness. I'm ashamed to admit that I've paid hundreds of dollars going to therapy and trying medication to help me NOT to cry. I've finally come to conclusion that crying is just who I am and it doesn't make me any weaker than the next. Some of it is hormonal (thank God for Yaz!) and some it stems from my temperament, me being me. While I don't do it as often as I use to, when I do cry, there's still that little part of me that feels embarrassed. I'm not sure why but I do. I haven't cried in front of Josh yet, but I'm sure its coming. (I especially cry when I feel vulnerable, overly anxious, or think that I've made someone I care about angry. Geez, talk about sharing one's dirty secrets online, lol!) I think that's part of the reason I don't talk about "serious" issues just yet. We have a great time together but sometimes I think I hold back a little bit too much for fear of scaring him off. Its only been 6 weeks but still. I guess when the timing is right I'll know when I can be more personal. He obviously likes me or he wouldn't have introduced me to his friends. He also talks about his future plans, that's a good thing I think. (He even mentioned what all we could do come hunting season. Wow! Talk about longterm!)

I wish there was a good book about guys... especially guys from highway 20. For those of you who aren't familiar with highway 20, lets just say its the country. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying people from 20 are simple. Josh is very wise for his age. Wiser than me in some aspects of life.

I guess its just different for guys. He's not going to be the type to tell me I'm beautiful all the time or send me flowers, but he is the type that opens doors for me, checks my oil and offers me a seat when there's only one chair. To me, the latter is more important. I need to know that I'm with a man that I can depend on. So far from what I've seen, Josh is like that. If he says he's going to call, he does. His mood seems to be pretty even keel too. Which is really good for this high strung ESE teacher who worries way too much about nothing.

So my point about the book... I just want to do the right thing, say the right thing and make this relationship work. If anybody knows about a good book, let me know. Or, life experiences are also very helpful.