This is My Prayer

I've been reading this blog entitled, "Jesus Complete Me." Great read. Very uplifting. Tonight, these statements hit close to home..."Mature faith is knowing and trusting God always in all circumstances. It's giving up control. It's giving up the fight... to want more and to be more in Christ. It's about contentment, contentment in Him. It's about going wherever God leads and resisting sin. Resisting sin! It's about growing up!"

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:3 NIV

Whew... talk about needing that today. Not sure what's going on lately. I have this deep pain in my soul. There are times throughout the day when I feel like I'm walking through a dark tunnel. Despite all the shopping, time spent with my family and friends or how much my husband tells me things are going to get better, I can't seem to get out of this funk. Perhaps its because JD's due date is approaching, maybe its the holidays, or maybe just maybe its just because I lost my firstborn son and there's nothing I can do about it.

Not sure.

Baby Hadley

Got to meet my niece yesterday for the first time. What a precious angel. I haven't posted much on here about her because it just hurt so much to know that six weeks after her arrival, JD was supposed to be born. She was born 12-10-10, exactly 2 months after JD's arrival/departure. She was born with the cord wrapped around her neck three times and in a knot. The first thing the nurse said when she came out was that she shouldn't even be alive. We all know why she's alive. She has a guardian angel watching over her. Anyway, after two weeks in the NICU, we still have to wait a couple more weeks for the doctors to run more tests to see if there was any permanent damage to her brain. I feel like she's going to be just fine.

Josh and I went over to Kelley and Thomas' and held her. I just cried and cried. It was sort of therapeutic. As much as it hurt me to think about her arrival, it was so peaceful to hold her. I guess that's what bittersweet means. I had to block out the painful thoughts of my boy being gone and rejoice that Hadley is here.

Amber asked me how I felt afterwards. All I could say was bittersweet. You know, people are right. It probably won't matter if I have 10 babies. I will never be the same Janie I was before losing JD. Nothing is ever going to replace him. I just pray that the pain will lessen.

Hugs from within

Its 5:25am and as usual I'm wide awake. I have no reason to be wide awake but nevertheless, I am! My due date is less than four weeks away. I am sad. I know it shouldn't be a big deal anymore. January 20th isn't my due date anymore. October 10th is.

Shortly after JD's death, a friend of mine who had also lost a child called me to talk. She asked if I had noticed anything different as a result of JD's passing. At the time, all I could think about was just how empty and lonely I felt (which, I still feel the emptiness.) If I had to think about anything positive that came of this situation it would have to be the way my mindset is these days. I notice things that I didn't before... a full moon, butterflies fluttering by, the way my husband looks at me. JD has taught me to slow down and relax (still working on that, son but thanks!)

Another dear friend sent me the sweetest note reminding me that when things get tough to reflect on the time JD was here with me. She said he hugged me from within. How is that a child who never breathed air could teach this old broad so much? He taught me to slow down and relax (yep, I typed it again.) JD has helped me to realize that no matter how much I want to be in control, its just not possible. He is a daily reminder that life is short and that I don't need to sweat the small stuff. JD is my proof that God really does have a plan. While my heart aches to not have my sweet baby boy here with me, it gives me great comfort to know that he is in heaven with his grandparents and Jesus. I know he is our guardian angel. I love you my sweet baby boy!

I love you.

Potatoes... Patotoes

My endocrinologist finally called me back after a week and a half of me annoying/calling her. Of course, she told me the same thing the maternal-infant specialist did... nobody knows for sure why these sort of things happen... they just do. You know, for all these people's help, I could be a doctor too! Anyway, what kept pissing me off was her use of terminology. She kept referring to the loss of my baby as a "miscarriage." Now granted, two months ago, thats what I would have called it too. I've come to learn that what I had was a "stillbirth," NOT a "miscarriage." A miscarriage occurs before 20 weeks. A stillbirth can occur after that. Bottom line, I didn't bring my boy home from the hospital alive, so I guess it doesn't matter which word you use.

I guess I wanted her to use the correct terminology because I wanted to remind her just how rare my situation was and that people need to take this seriously and NOT wait so long to call me back. I'm sure someone who's had a miscarriage wouldn't appreciate that comment. I didn't mean that one is more painful than the other. Losing a baby is losing a baby... no matter what stage of pregnancy one is in.

Have I mentioned lately just how scared shitless I am to try this again? I am afraid that I will lose yet another baby or worse, cause one to have a disability and he or she suffer.

I currently have absolutely no faith in doctors, btw... JOsh keeps reminding me that they are humans too and sometimes they just don't know. He tries to compare their profession to mine and reminds me that sometimes despite my greatest efforts I can't meet the needs of my kiddos. He has a point, but I'm not buying it... I have a degree in education... NOT medicine. BIG difference. I guess if I've gotten anything out of all of this its that I need to be a more proactive teacher. I need to advocate for my students and try to find ways to help them achieve. Well...I'm rambling at this point and since its 2:06am, I'll try to go back to sleep!

My Mind Keeps Turning

Its 4:40am and I can't sleep. My mind won't turn off. My OB prescribed me Ambian but I've run out of it. I think I've gotten used to it and now I can't sleep without it.
This weekend was bittersweet. Kelley had her baby. Selfish to say, I was dreading her upcoming arrival. I didn't want anything bad to happen to Kelley or Hadley but everytime I thought about her new joy, I was reminded of the loss I experienced. I wasn't sure whether or not to go to the hospital to visit her, but I did anyway. I tortured myself all week about whether or not to go. For my own selfish reasons, I made myself go. While we didn't get to see Hadley because she is in the NICU, we did see Kelley. It was good to see her. I think it helped me. I have been carrying some pretty heavy resentment towards her lately. I am sick of hunting season. Josh has been really good about spending time with me but I resent the fact that he can get away from things, go out in the woods and hunt. I can't get away. Do you know how many pregnant people I see in one day? Having a baby is all I think about.
One of Josh's cousins gave us grief because Josh wasn't waiting at the hospital Friday night for Hadley's arrival. She also thought I was tacky for asking a particular question about Hadley's delivery. Well, first of all, just exactly two months prior to Hadley's birth, we were at that same exact hospital delivering our dead son. Second, Kelley has the same doctor I have. I wanted answers as to why Hadley had complications at birth.
I guess at the end of the day, none of this matters... resentment, anger, frustrations. The bottom line is, I don't have my son. I was cheated and that sucks so basically I am looking for someone/something to blame this on.

Josh and I went and met with a geneticist on November 19th. The doctor went over all my labs and basically told us that due to my hypothyroidism, I had high levels of antibodies and those antibodies attacked the placenta which in turn malnourished my son. I sat there and cried. It took me a few days for it all to sink in. I was angered and felt so guilty. I'm not sure realistically if I could have done anything differently though on my part. Before I got pregnant, I went to my endocrinologist and asked her what I needed to do to ensure a healthy pregnancy. We made a plan. I had my levels checked every 4-6 weeks. I didn't drink, smoke or do drugs (which I keep finding info on the internet about how all of this leads to stillbirth, imagine that?) I saw a maternal-infant specialist and my OB. I even researched on the internet about hypothyroidism and couldn't find anything out of the ordinary.

I felt guilty because as a mother, I felt like I had failed my child and my body rejected him. I was angry because the doctor told what we could do "next time" to possibly prevent this from happening again. He's suggesting aspirin and a combination of B vitamins. I swear to God everytime I went to the doctor I asked about my thyroid and if there was anything I needed to do special. Everyone said no, JD has a strong heartbeat, he's developing fine, everything looks good. How in the hell did they not pick up on an underdeveloped placenta? And why, did they not suggest the vitamins and aspirin as a preventative? I would have spread cow poop on my boobs if they would have told me it helped with having a healthy baby.

So why am I bringing this up almost 2 weeks later? I got the summary report of our meeting in the mail last night. It was one thing to hear the doctor, it was another to see his comments on paper. REALITY SUCKS!!!

Now, he seemed optimistic about us trying again but of course he isn't God and can't guarantee a healthy baby. So, I guess this is where faith comes into play, huh?

My Mom

I really wish I knew how to post pictures on here now! I can't figure it out. I have the sweetest picture of my mother holding JD the night of his arrival/departure. My mother doesn't smile much in pictures and she often tenses up. This picture is priceless. She looks radiant, relaxed and in awe of my sweet angel baby. As I've mentioned before I often feel guilty because I didn't hold JD for very long after his birth but I am so grateful to the people that did, especially my mom. She even insisted on dressing him in his "going home" outfit. "Going home" outfit, hrm, I meant that sarcastically and then thought about it. He did go HOME. He's an angel now. Josh and I can honestly say we have one perfect child, lol! Anyway, I'm rambling...

So, growing up my mom was never into ribbons, bows or the latest trends. She was very protective of us, at the time, I thought she was controlling. Now, as a mom, I totally get her! Growing up, there was one thing you could always count on from my mom... unconditional love. You could tell her anything. She might get pissed but she would come around and you knew that everything would be ok. Many years ago, she told me that she prayed every night for Molly and I to find good husbands. Her prayers were heard. To this day, I am in awe over that prayer.

So, the point to this entry... Mom went to Disney with Molly, Eric and their kiddos last week. She was standing in the elevator holding Tucker and Thomas was latched on to her leg. This man in the elevator smiles at her and asks if those were her grandchildren and did she have any more. She said yes. She has one more in Heaven. My heart melted when my sister told me that story.

Just Wondering

I've heard moms of second babies wonder before baby number 2 comes how they could possible love that baby as much as they love their first born. Then, once they hold baby number 2 all that wonder goes away. I'm not even pregnant yet, but I use to wonder that myself. One day I went to sit down at the computer and looked up and saw a picture of Josh when he was about 2 years old. My heart melted. Seeing that picture reminded me of his mom, Debbie. I never had the chance to meet her but from what I hear she loved her babies. I know by the way Josh treats me that he was definitely loved by his mother. (As I've mentioned before, Josh has an older brother was stillborn, so technically, Josh isn't the firstborn.) So, to answer my question, yep, I will definitely love baby number 2 as much as I love my angel JD. Now, we just have to pray for baby number 2.

Pain

Its funny how my heart aches so badly for someone I never really knew. Yes, I carried JD inside of me for 6 months. I felt him kick but I never actually heard my son cry or felt the rise and fall of his chest. I have never hurt so badly in my whole life. I have never felt so totally out of control. I am miserable, angry and just plain pissed. My heart physically hurts. My doctor prescribed Lexapro for me to take.I am angered that I may have to take medication for something I had no say in. (I haven't taken it because I want to try and get pregnant again.) Then when I think about getting pregnant again, I am filled with fear. I am so afraid this will happen again. I feel so responsible for what happened. I was JD's mother. I was supposed to protect him. I failed my child.

Not So Helpful Things To Say...

I'm sure I've said some of these things before so I'm just as guilty as the next person but in hopes that I don't make the same mistake twice, I'm blogging some 'not-so-helpful-things' to say to someone who has lost a baby:

1. God has a plan/It was God's will. I'm a Christian but you may as well have said, "F*@K Yourself." Whatever the plan is, right now I just feel like I've been "F*@cked over!"

2. You will have many more children. How the hell do I know if I'll have more children? It may not be "God's plan." Maybe my body can't handle another baby or maybe this will happen again. NOBODY KNOWS!!!!!!!!! The only person that can say this is my mom and when she says it, she doesn't incenuate that I'll birth the children myself. She always finishes the sentence with, "someway or another you will be a mom." I love my mother!

3. You sure had a long vacation. Five weeks sitting at home aside from the two d&c's and 20 days on antibiotics IS NOT a vacation!

4. How are you feeling? I know people mean well but come on? How do you think I feel? I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I use sarcasm and wit to cover it up but deep down, I feel like a load of crap!

5. You look great! Bullcrap! I have dark circles under my eyes, my boobs sag down to my stomach, my hips will NEVER be the same again AND I have nothing to show for it.

6. You didn't feel the baby stop moving? First off, I was only 25 weeks pregnant and he was my first baby. The stupid pregnancy books say you don't really start feeling the baby move until week 28. Second, fat girls don't feel them move until sometimes later than that! Third, have you met my husband? He is the most laidback, mildmannered person you will ever meet. I just figured his kid was the same way.

7. This one takes the cake... Granny isn't going to be around much longer. She had a dream about your baby. He's being taken care of in heaven. That is all fine and good but I don't want someone else taking care of my baby! I want my baby.

Ok, so I'm probably hurting people's feelings by blogging this. So, not my intentions. Like I've said before, I KNOW I've said the same things but today was just one of those days where my heart ached soooo bad that I had to let it out.

The Results Are In

So, we got the news last Wednesday about what the doctors think caused JD's death. It wasn't chromosomal. They are chalking it up to a bad placenta. Hrmmm, the same placenta that malnourished my son is the same placenta that is causing infection inside my body and won't release itself! Tell me the irony in all of this, please?

I remember sobbing sighs of relief when Dr. McKinnie told us it wasn't chromosomal. My worst fear was that she was going to tell us we had something genetically wrong and shouldn't try to have more babies. Then I spent the next few days seriously pissed at her words. She told us we had a "healthy baby boy who died from placenta complications." I HAD a healthy baby boy. A HEALTHY baby boy. Sorry... I had to vent.

Not sure where I'm going with this entry. There so many things I want to write but can't. Maybe next time...

I do know that the main thing that gives me hope these days is the thought of trying to have another baby. I admit, it scares the crap out of me, but its also that tiny ray of light at the end of the tunnel too. Another baby will not replace my JD, nor do I want him or her to. I want my sweet angel to know how much I love him and that I am proud to be called his mother.

The Days of the Week

I've met several wonderful people on this new journey I'm on. One friend in particular asked me if there was a certain day of the week that was toughest for me. I thought about her question. Its funny because its not just one day. Its alot of days. Thursdays hurt because that's the day my pregnancy week changed and I knew I was that much closer to meeting my beautiful baby boy face to face. Fridays stink because thats the day we discovered no heartbeat and that JD was gone. and well, Sundays...Sundays are just bitter sweet. Sunday is the day we delivered JD... the day we got to hold our little angel for the first time and say goodbye all in one day.

So, that pretty much leaves Monday through Wednesday and of course Saturday. As of right now, those days are pretty well...shitty too. I am trying NOT to wallow in self-pitty but this is my blog and so I'm wallowing.

Before I got pregnant, I had a friend suggest that I read one preggo book and stick with that. She said if you read too many you will run yourself crazy. So... I followed 'What to Expect When You're Expecting.' That book sucks. I will NEVER read that book again, nor will I give that book to anyone as a gift! I know, I can't blame a book for what happened, but the book was so nonchalont about everything.

Life is full of irony and unpredictability. During my pregnancy, I wondered if I should get some parenting books and read up on breastfeeding and childrearing. I decided to wait and just focus on being pregnant. Now, I'm reading books on grieving and googling websites on the loss of your unborn child. I pre-registered for childbirth classes that were to begin November 2nd. Instead, I will be attending a support group for mothers who have experienced an 'early loss.' I feel so blag today.

Thank You DKR!

Josh and his family often joke and call me "Little Debbie," after his mother. Josh often says its scary just how much I am like her. Its funny how I've never met this woman but feel so connected. Josh's mom lost a child too. Her first born son was stillborn at 40 weeks. I've never gotten the exact story as to what happened but nevertheless, it was devastating.

When I first moved in with Josh, there were pictures everywhere. Pictures on the walls. I found giant rubbermaid containers full of 10x13s, 8x10s & 5x7s. I found rows of albums filled with 4x6s. It drove me nuts. I love pictures but come on... where the heck do you put these things? She had EVERY school picture Josh and Kelley ever had taken. I'm talkin' the big $42 packs.

As I was going through the pictures, I have to admit, I was aggravated. Sitting here typing, I am in awe. I totally understand now. If given the chance to have more babies, I too, will probably have pictures on every wall, and some in storage too. My baby boy was only with me in utero for 6 short months and I have a complete baby book just for him. I have a wall portrait being made right now and numerous 4x6s of his sweet hands and feet.

I have a new respect for you Debbie Kelley Register. Thank you for that opportunity. Thank you for the love that you instilled upon your son Josh. I truly believe that is what has made him such a compassionate, loving husband. Thank you for the chance to live in the house that my husband grew up in. Despite the rickety porch and windows that need caulking, I can feel so much love in this place.

Guilt and Regret

Guilt and Regrets... I can't put into words the way I felt when they handed JD to me. The doctor warned me that he had been through some pretty awful trauma and that his face would be disfigured. Its not his physical features that hurt me. All I could think was that my baby boy had been taken from me. His spirit was gone to heaven and this lifeless body I was holding was just a shell. I hurt so bad and was so angry that he'd been taken.

I only held him for a short time. I regret that. I'm his mama. I should have held him as long as I could. They offered to take pictures of me holding him. I refused. I feel guilty and regret that too. Again, a mother should be proud of her baby. I AM proud of my baby but at that time, all I could feel was pain, emptiness and loss.

Sweet Dreams Little Man

"Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)"

Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate's sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, will find the mouse
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "Amen," wherever we are
And I love you

Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams

Life Before JD

For some strange reason, I used to always think I had something to prove. My house had to be spotless, my car needed to shine, I always had to be one step ahead at work. I worried about hurting people's feelings. I worried about not having enough money. I worried when I didn't have anything to worry about! If there's anything I've gotten from all of this it's that NOTHING IS IN MY CONTROL!!!! This being said from the one who is a control freak...

I am working on this situation. It really doesn't matter how much one worries anyway.

Yours Not Mine...

I bought a couple of books on grieving the loss of a child. Before I began reading one of the books I prayed that God would use the book to help me understand His plan for JD's loss. As I began reading, 'Grieving the Child I Never Knew,' by Kathe Wunnenberg, I heard these words come to my mind, "This child was never yours to begin with, Janie. He was a gift I shared with you and Josh for a short time." While I'm not exactly ok with that as of yet, I am reassured that my precious JD is in heaven with Jesus. I am thankful for the gift that God gave us, even if it was for 6 short months (no sarcasm intended there, Lord... I promise.)

I have to remember that my baby was indeed a gift that the Lord shared with us. While I am saddened, angry and lonely right now, I do know that God has a plan. I pray that one day I will discover that plan.

What Will You Be for Halloween?

So, I met Josh yesterday at Party City to pick out Halloween costumes for a party we are going to this Saturday night. I was looking forward to it all day and then when the time finally came to pick one out I got all sad. My neck started hurting, I got a headache and walked out of the store with nothing.

I had an orange t-shirt made the beginning of this month that had a big pumpkin on the belly and it said,'Mommy's Little Pumpkin.' I was just getting big enough to wear it and knew that by halloween it would look cute.

I feel so guilty having fun these days. I can't stand the thought of going to a party and actually having a good time. This Friday will only be 3 weeks since we discovered JD was gone.

I am going as JD's mom this year for Halloween. A mom who is faking happiness and trying to gain some control back into her life. I think that's enough of a costume right there...

JD's Birth Announcement

I was reluctant to entitle this entry 'JD's Birth Announcement.' He was stillborn. He never even breathed in air. I remember before his birth, I would contemplate the type of birth announcements I would send out. Would I scrapbook them or create digital ones? Would I send the pictures of his 4D ultrasound that were to be taken November 5th as thank you notes for his baby showers? I was so excited about sharing my boy with the people we love.

I am grateful to the nurses and doctors at TMH who made our emotionally painful experience less painful. I am eternally grateful to my sister Molly and best friend Amber for taking pictures of my sweet angel.

I can't figure out how to post pictures on here. When I do, I'll post some.

Butterflies, Rainbows and Shooting Stars

I love reading other people's blogs, especially those that I have something in common with. There's one I've been reading for the past 2 and half years called 'Multiple Baby Pile-Up.' I didn't really have much in common with the author of this blog up until the loss of my JD. If you get a chance to read her blog, you should. She finds humor in sad situations and has two of the most beautiful girls ever. While the mother of this blog's mourning situation is a bit different, I liked the way she describes her son Jack to her girls. See, she was pregnant with triplets. Her sweet baby boy lived about two months. The girls are now 3. To keep their brother's memory alive she reminds the girls that everytime they see a rainbow, butterfly or shooting star its their Jack looking over them from heaven. Her comments give me hope in knowing that whenever I see one of those things, I am reminded of my angel baby looking over us.

A Pair of Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Somedays my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes, I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
Author Unknown

So Now What...

Its been almost 2 weeks since we got the devastating news that we lost our baby boy. Now what? I feel like I should be done with the tears but on the other hand I feel guilty when I don't cry. I have this gaping hole in my heart that yearns for my baby boy. I have to return to work on the first of November. I need some normalcy so I am looking forward to going back. I just have to prepare myself for the awkward silence and unwanted comments that people don't mean to say but do.

I'll be honest, I'm dreading the holidays. I don't want to spend them with Josh's family as they joyously await the arrival of Kelley's baby girl. Don't get me wrong, I pray that her sweet baby is healthy and that Kelley has a easy delivery but everytime I see her I am reminded of what I don't have. I am reminded that all my dreams were flushed down the toilet.

They say when a person dies, the living have a tendency to make saints out of the dead whether they were or not. I can agree with that to a point, however, in my case, my boy is/was/always will be an angel.

I was just beginning to feel him move inside me before he was taken away. His movements were faint little tickles that came whenever I drank something cold or ate something sweet. I had all these dreams and hopes for him. Brad Paisley has a new song out about having a baby boy. When Josh and I heard it we immediately thought about JD. I just knew my boy was going to be just like his wonderful daddy.

I know that I am not special by any means. I know that there are other women with similar stories. I am not writing this for attention but rather for therapy in hopes to keep me off meds and out of the looney bin. I am trying to figure out what is, as my friend Trish would say, "my new normal." I am on a roller coaster ride of emotions. One minute I think I am ok and the next I feel like somebody hit me with a mac truck.

I have so many fears and anxieties. The doctors ran tests on me, my placenta and JD to see if they could determine what caused his sudden death. Now, I have to wait for answers. I am not good at waiting. Josh and I want to try this again but I stand in fear that this could happen again or worse, there won't be a next time. I have racked my brain trying to figure what I did to cause this but nothing comes to mind. I do know that I stayed so tired and nauseated. I had a short temper and wasn't a very nice person during my pregnancy. Surely that's not the reason?

JD's memorial

Josh's Uncle Gary performed a beautiful memorial service for JD on Saturday, October 16th. We decided to have JD cremated so we had a sterling silver box engraved with his name and date of birth to put his remains in. In lieu of flowers we asked people to make donations to Special Olympics, WAkulla. This way our Wakulla team can have new shoes and uniforms for competition.

Again, Josh and I were overwhelmed at the number of friends and family members that came to JD's memorial. Aunt Shirley bought JD a "going home" outfit several months ago. The outfit was way too big for our little angel. My friends Julie, Amber and Lisa left the hospital after visiting me on Saturday night and went to Dillards and bought him the preemie version of the outfit. That outfit was too small too. My sister Molly took the outfit to Amber's mom and she cut it down to size to fit JD! My mother and Molly took the outfit to the funeral home and Mom dressed him in his outfit and socks of course.

I stand in amazement at how much love my precious boy not only brought to this world but just how much love was shown to him in his short little life.

After the service, Josh and I wrote a letter to JD and tied it to a helium balloon. All the way home the balloon kept making its way to the front of the car. It was as if JD were saying, "Its ok Momma and Daddy, I am in heaven and doing good." It is comforting to know that he is there with Josh's mom, my daddy and grandma T. and many other relatives waiting to love on him. When we got home we let the balloon go and at first it wouldn't go up. Josh looked at the balloon and said, "go on buddy, we love you." Away it went into the sky.

Labor of Love

They say God won't put more on you than you can handle. I don't want to question Him for fear He'll put more on us, but this is probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through. You see, I didn't get pregnant to fill a void. Josh and I discussed having a baby. Ours lives were already complete. We have a great marriage. We both enjoy spending time together and apart. We just wanted to bring more joy to our lives so we decided to become parents. I didn't drink alcohol,smoke, or anything that would jeopardize this pregnancy. I took my vitamins, had my thyroid checked and Josh went to every prenatal visit with me.

The on-call doctor gave us the option of waiting for me to go into labor on our own or being induced. We chose induction. I began the induction process on Friday, October 8th at around 9:30pm. They gave me Staydoll for the pain but told me I could have an epidural whenever I was ready. I decided Saturday morning around 9:30am to take them up on their offer. Physically, the worst part of the whole deal, wasn't the labor, it was the IV! I've decided that epidurals are definitely the way to go and I absolutely adore anethesiologists! I woke up at 11:45pm Saturday evening with the worst pressure ever. (I won't get too graphic.) The Noles were finishing up eating the Miami Hurricanes and here I was about to begin labor.

I can't even describe emotionally what I felt. I just knew this was something I had to do but I didn't want to do it. I knew it was a means to an end that I just didn't want to believe or let go of. I truly do not believe I could have made it without the support of my husband and those that were praying for us.

I'm not going to get graphic with the delivery part but let's just say it wasn't easy delivering a breech baby at 25 weeks. My body didn't want to let him or his placenta go.

My precious angel JD, was born 10-10-2010 at 1:10am on Sunday morning. He had the longest feet and fingers. He weighed 1 lb 5 oz and was 14 and a half inches long. Despite the trauma at birth, you could still see his daddy's features on his sweet face.

I am overwhelmed at the friends and family members who drove over to TMH at midnight to be there for his birth. That means so much to me.

Our Story

Josh and I got married February 27th, 2010. Those of you who know me know that I waited a very long time to find Mr. Right. I joke about it now and say that I had to wait for him to reach puberty and come of age to date him, lol! I am 4 and half years older than he is. Josh is everything I prayed for in a husband. He is patient, determined, loyal and sensitive.

We had the perfect wedding. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day. We were surrounded by the people we loved and despite the cold weather, everything turned out just as we had planned. I had my dream wedding.

We both knew we wanted children. Being aware of my age and how long "they" say it takes to get pregnant the first time, we decided to try right away. Imagine our surprise when after one full month of being off the pill, I became pregnant! What was really exciting is that Josh's sister Kelley was six weeks pregnant when we became pregnant. How wonderful it would be to have cousins so close together... or so we thought.

I had the worst morning sickness throughout the entire 6 months I was pregnant. It wasn't just in the morning either. Anything and everything set me off with the nausea but everytime I'd go for an OB appointment and hear JD's heartbeat or see his little profile on the ultrasound machine, it made it all worth it. I don't know who was more overjoyed to find out at week 19 that we were going to have a beautiful baby boy. We knew right away his name was going to be Joshua David Register, Jr. Just looking at the US pics he already had his daddy's profile. We decided to call him JD.

Josh hung new drywall and painted JD's room a tan color. A friend from work gave me the sweetest western crib bedding set. My mom bought JD's crib and dresser. Josh put it all together the day she bought it. We were so excited. At week 24 mom and I went to Babies R Us and registered for baby supplies. Josh and I had signed up for childbirth classes. They were to begin in November. We made an appointment to have 4D pictures made of JD for November 5th. We were ready.

All we needed was for January 220th to arrive so that we could meet our sweet baby boy. Imagine our devastation when we went for a routine 25 week OB appointment and discovered there was no heartbeat. JD was gone.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

I decided to change the title of my blog. My best friend, "surrogate sister" called me the other day to tell me that her children were going to plant a lemon tree in JD's memory. She asked them why and my eldest nephew, Noah replied, "because Mom, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." How precious is that? I am sitting here trying to think about what to write and where to begin. I am blogging again for the first time in 10 months in hopes to help ease the pain I feel. I quit blogging when I got busy earlier in the year with planning my wedding and getting hooked on Facebook. I still enjoy Facebook but some of the stuff I plan to blog about is too personal to post on there.

Holy Cow...

Where has the time gone?!? I was looking at my blog and realized that I haven't written anything since early September! What a slacker. To be honest, its been crazy around here. Shortly after my last blog we welcomed Tucker Edward Clore into our family. Thomas Ralph Clore was proud to announce the birth of his baby brother on September 18, 2009. He weighed 7lbs 10 oz. He is a real cutey pie with a serious streak. He sort of goes with the flow as long as long as he's fed on time and has a clean bottom! That's not too much to ask. Thomas loves Tucker and makes him laugh at the drop of a hat.

Anyway, I love being an aunt and wish I had more time in the day to spend with them all.