More Thinkin'

WARNING!!! This entry is deep and it includes alot of rambling. So, you've been warned! I guess I've had a lot of time on my hands lately because I've been doing a lot of thinking. One of the things I've been thinking about is my birthday this year. I'll be 32 in May. I should be sad but actually I'm happy about it. I'm the healthiest I've ever been, both physically and emotionally. I'm lovin' life. I was thinking about turning 32 and for some reason it made me think about my mom. It made me think about my day to day routines at 32 and what her day to day routines were at 32. At 32, my mom had an eleven and seven year old to raise. Which I have to say she did a fantastic job raising us on her salary. She didn't have a college degree or tons of credit card debt to help us get by. My mom had just recently bought her first house all by herself. She had already been married for 10 years and divorced for almost 2 years. I wonder if she ever thought about life the way I do or did she even have the chance? She was so busy just making ends meet. I wonder if she had any idea that a little over a year later, my daddy would move back in with us, they'd get remarried and he die within two weeks of that? Talk about growing up fast! I feel like I'm pretty mature but I have NEVER been through the things that my parents went through growing up as kids and then growing up as husband and wife.

I often wonder if I'll ever get married or become a mom. Deep down inside I think I want both of those things but I'm also scared at the thought of being a wife and mom. I have a pretty good idea of just how much work it all takes and I'm not sure if I have what it takes. I think it scares me to think that I could possibly have to bury my husband and be alone like my mom. Not sure I want to experience that pain. Then there's shallow thinkin' like today when I was driving to my parents for dinner and all I could think about was how I've lived alone for about 7 years and I'm not sure I'd be able to share my space with someone else.

I guess for now there's nothing to worry about. There's no sign of Mr. Right anywhere around anyway. If he does come along, I guess I'll deal with my fears then. A long time ago, a good friend of mine told me something thats stuck with me over the years. She said, "Janie, you have a love/passion for children. Aren't you scared you'll lose them like you lost dad? Why don't you put a barrier up for them when you teach?" It really made me think. She's right. Which made me think about a famous quote that goes something like this... "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Teaching is my passion. I can't imagine my life any other way, but had I been scared of losing my students and not taught what would I be doing? I'm rambling, but its good for me to sort my feelings. My point, if God has plans for me to be married He will help me with those fears of mine.