My Autobiography

So, a friend of mine had this on her myspace page since I'm self-absorbed and all, I thought I'd cut and paste it to mine and fill it out for myself.

Part 1: The Birth of You:
Were you a planned baby?: no, I think somebody forgot the condoms
Were you the first?: Yes
Who was present at your birth?: My mom and dad (I think), the doc and nurses. Were your parents married when you were born?: Yes. 9 months to the day!
What is your birthdate?: May 26th

Part 2: The Family
How would you describe your family?: Co-dependent and loyal.
Are your parents married? no, my mom's a widow
Siblings or an only child?: 1 sister
If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: Oldest
What are your siblings names and ages?: Molly age 27
Which parent do you get along with best?: Mom
What do you fight about?: Nothing now.
Do you have step parents?: Yep, my step-dad, Gene

Part 3: The Friends
Do you have more than one best friend?: Sort of
Who are your best friends?: Jes, Wendi, Maggie, Julie O. (I have several very dear friends as well)
What do you like to do when you are together?: shop, gossip, used to drink with Maggie and Julie
Do you share the same interests?: For the most part, Yes
Which friend can you tell anything to?: All of them but it just depends on if I want an honest reaction or not as to who I tell what to

Part 4: Your Personality
How high/low is your self esteem?: My self-esteem hangs around the middle.
Are you an extrovert or an introvert?: It depends on the situation
Are you happy?: Pretty much.
Do you live life to the fullest?: Yep.

Part 5: Appearance
Are you comforable with the way you look?: After 31 years, yep!
Do you have any piercings besides your ears?: I used to have a belly button ring. Its just not attractive on people of size.
Describe your hair.: sort of a bob cut auburn color growing out
What make-up do you wear?: Clinique
How do you dress?: Pretty casually.

Part 6: The Past
Were you a strange child?: Yes, I thought way too deep into things. Way to mature for a kid.
What did you use to love that you no longer do?: fair rides, now they make me puke and getting drunk at Stetson's
Do you have the same friends?: pretty much
Was there anything in your past that was traumatizing?: my dad's death at the age of 12

Part 7: The Future
What is your ambition?: Get married, be a mom and/or become an administrator for the school district
Are you scared of growing old?: I think a little
Do you want to get married?: Yep. but if not, I'm ok.

Part 8: The Outdoors
Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: Depends on where that outdoors is.
What is your favorite season?: Fall
Do you like walking in the rain?: yes

Part 9: Food
Are you a vegentarian?: Heck no.
What is your favorite fruit?: anything covered in chocolate or candy apples
What food makes you want to gag?: cantalope for starters.
What is your favorite dessert?: Cheesecake Factory Oreo Cheesecake
What is your favorite restaurant?: Osaka's
Are you a fussy eater?: no

Part 10: Relationships and Love
Are you single or taken?: single
If taken who is the lucky guy/girl?: I'm still waiting on him.
Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: It's got to be.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: Yes
Part 11: Experiences
What was one of your greatest experiences?: becoming an aunt
What was one of your worst?:My Grandma T. dying and me not being there for her during that time
Have you ever done drugs?: Yes,but nothing hardcore.
Have you ever thought you were going to die?: Once.
Have you ever suffered from depression?: Yes.

All in a Day's Work!

So, I went to dinner with a friend of mine I hadn't seen in almost 2 years. I was nervous about meeting him since it had been so long ago and since that time I had discovered the Cheesecake Factory, lol! You know, it takes hard work to look this good. We women sure do go through alot to care for ourselves. I bet I clogged up my pipes today with all the shaving I did! Then when I got out the tub, I had to put on like 3 different creams! Vitamin E on my scars, some $50 cream on my vitiligo and let's not forget the 3 step process from Clinique for my face. I worked hard to coordinate my undergarments with my outergarments. Which when you think about it, is just plain funny b/c I sure didn't put out. So he didn't see any of it anyway. I guess I did all those things for the satisfaction of knowing I looked and felt like a million dollars.

Massage Therapy

So Friday after school I went and got one of those hot stone massages. I used to get massages every 3 weeks but since I bought my house its been like 2 months. When I called to make the appointment the lady asked me if I had a preference over a man or woman. I said no, I really didn't care. Believe or not, I'm pretty comfortable with my body these days. Its taken alot of doughnuts to get to where I am. Just kidding. I have to say I love my body. I'm thankful that it gets me place to place without being in excruciating pain. Scars from recent surgeries remind me that I am cancer-free. The extra padding makes for a nice place for my nephew to lay his head when he is sleepy. And the vitiligo... well, it gives people something to talk about.

Anyway, the guy came in to do the massage and let's just say I was not impressed. I've had massages from men before and this was just plain terrible. It was almost like he was repulsed by my body. I can't explain it really, but if you've ever had a massage you know what I talking about. It was like he was just going through a routine not really caring that it was a person he was working on. The doctor who cut on breast was more gentle than he was.

I'm not quite sure the point of this entry except to say that to be a massage therapist one should appreciate different body types.

What is sexy anyway?

I was playing around with the camara tonight making different faces just cutting the fool. I looked at one, thinking the shot would be sexy and burst out laughing. (Don't worry, I wasn't doing anything wierd just making faces, all clothes on.) Instead of looking sexy, I looked pissed and to top it off, my double chin looked worse than ever. I don't think there is anything sexy about me. I'm beautiful, funny and cute, but definitely NOT sexy. Maybe sexy, like beauty is in the eye of the beholder. So, I guess I'll just have to wait.

Ever-Changing Perceptions

So I was driving by our local funeral home today when I noticed a few cars parked in the back. This is the same funeral home that planned my daddy's funeral. I got this horrible lump in my throat and my chest felt heavy. All I could think was, "How shitty to have to plan a funeral at Christmas." Then with tears streaming down my face, I laughed out loud and thought... "Yep, it is pretty shitty. I know, b/c I did it, on Christmas day at the age of 12 years old for my father." This is by no means a "feel sorry for Janie" entry. Nope, just sharing. Its funny the things one remembers from one's childhood. I am blessed to say that I don't have too many traumatic experiences to remember.

My mom and I were driving home from Tally tonight and reminiscing (I need to learn to spell that word!) over old times. She said to me, "I never realized just how disfunctional our lives were while I was raising you guys. I guess I went through the motions blindsighted." I laughed at her and said, "well, you did a mighty fine job covering up the disfunctionality." My sister and I went to one of the best private schools in West Palm Beach. We always had plenty of food, clean clothes and all that we needed. I remember thinking how sad I was for some of my friends at school. One girl couldn't see her mom b/c her mom was a bad alcoholic. Another friend got beat for making bad grades. I never knew we were disfunctional. Sure, my dad was an alcoholic but he never abused us and he always worked. My mom devoted her whole life to us. She waited 13 years to date other men after his death! Its funny, different people's perceptions. Better yet, its funny how people's perceptions can change. There were years that I resented my mom, thinking she was suffocating me b/c she was so protective. I see now why she did what she did. I wouldn't change a thing.

Ramblings

Tomorrow is the Friday before Christmas break. Most of my teacher friends hate getting out for Christmas so late. I like it because it keeps me busy all the way up until Christmas. My daddy died December 24, 1988. Perhaps you're thinking, "geez its been 19 years, get over it already." For some reason its not that easy. My friend Jes and I have a running joke that we sort of hold our breath from the day ofter Thanksgiving all the way up until December 26th for fear that something bad is going to happen. This year is going to be an interesting one. I'm not on any anxiety meds nor am in counseling. I don't think I'm acting any differently without either of the two. Sad to say, but I do feel like I'm holding my breath, exhaling ever so slowly, trying to enjoy the holidays yet very much aware that at a moment's notice, something can happen.

You know, I was driving home tonight from Tally feeling really on edge for many reasons... the weather was rainy and I was in the dark, the season in general and then the fact that there is a killer on the loose somewhere around this area who likes to kidnap women, cut their appendages (and I do mean ALL appendages off) and dump their bodies in the woods). I mean seriously, if I could have gotten ahold of some pot, it would have been mine! (ok, not really, but you catch my drift!) Then I thought, "Janie, you CAN'T live like this. What can I do to change this situation? First of all, as far as missing Daddy and Grandma, I have their memories and now we have Thomas. My aunt reminded that everyday is a gift and there is always something to look forward to. Then there was the terrible weather... well, I just have to be careful, I'm a good driver and as for the killer... I'm taking a self-defense course on Saturday, buying a gun and definitely not going anywhere alone. That's all I can do! For the sake of the family who has lost their loved one, I hope they find the bastard and let him have it.

My New House

I've been in my new house since September 15th. I guess its not new anymore. Its kind of like saying, the new Walmart, which has been open since June 2006. Anyway, as I was cleaning today I looked at the placemats and cloth napkins on my table. Its funny, b/c the purpose of placemats should be to put your plates on them and eat. Do we do that? No, when we sit down to eat we remove them from the table and use paper napkins! Are we the only family that does that?

Pictures

Last night we all dressed up in matching olive green shirts and met at J.C. Penneys for family pictures. If anybody has ever experienced family pictures you know it is like accomplishing a 5K race! Surprisingly enough, you couldn't have asked for a smoother experience. Everybody showed up ontime and in a good mood. I can't wait to get them back. We haven't had family shots taken since my mom and Gene were married in 2001.

Afterwards, we went to Logans (my favorite restaurant!). My sister and brother-in-law treated me to dinner for getting Teacher of the Year at my school. I'm sure blessed to have a great family. I love eating together as a family. Ok, enough with that. I'm starting to sound like a Publix commercial.

The Little Things

My sister and brother-in-law stopped by my house the other night to drop off my cell phone. Eric, my bro-in-law, asked Molly, "I wonder what Janie is up to tonight." Her reply, "I bet she's laying on the couch enjoying her new Direct TV." His response, "Man, she sure is lucky."

Its funny the little things in life we take for granted. My sister and brother-in-law are parents to a very active almost 10 month old baby boy. He sleeps very little and is constantly into things. While they'd NEVER trade in their precious Thomas, its funny how one can miss little things in life like vegging on the couch.

It's Taken Me 31 Years, 6 months, 3 weeks and 2 days...

Yep, that's how long its taken me to finally be OK with me! I've always known that I'm a beautiful girl, but I'm always trying to find ways to better myself. Subconsciously, I've put my life on hold thinking I'm not complete until I lose 60 pounds or I get out of debt or how about this one... I get married! Its not going to happen anymore. I am complete! I'm NOT going to do anymore fad diets or exercise until my eyeballs fall out. Now don't get me wrong, do I think its healthy to sit around watching t.v. and eating junk all day? Nope, absolutely not, but instead of weight being a constant priority, I'm going to focus on my health.

As for $$$. I'm doing the best I can. I thank God everyday that my car cranks and gets me from point A to point B. I have a fabulous job that I love and my bills are paid on time. What more can a girl ask for.

As for a man...well, if the right one comes along then great. If not, I'm not going to cry about it. Being a size 6 doesn't make a person more worthy of finding a man. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and for the first time in a long time, I saw a gorgeous girl wearing a size 18. Her smile could knock the socks off of a GQ model! One chin or two, I'm worthy, strong and fantastic.

It's A Boy!!!

A very dear friend had her baby today. Its exciting and weird all at the same time. I said that tonight at dinner to my mom who kind of gave me a puzzled look and said, "Weird? Janie, your friends are in their 30's. They SHOULD be having babies." I just laughed at her and said, "I guess you are right." I guess she's forgotten that I'm in my 30's. So SHOULD I be having babies? HELL NO!!! Don't get me wrong, I want to be a mamma. I really want a husband. I've got a huge blank wall space above my couch just waiting for wedding pictures (really I'm not that shallow, I know there's more to marriage than wedding pics). But, I'm not going to marry any ole smuck who comes along and after teaching special kids all day, I'm sure as heck am NOT birthin' no babies on my own! A good friend of mine once said it's better to live alone than to be married and feel alone. (I think I quoted her correctly.)

I guess its weird because my friends having babies are the ones I used to spend Friday nights with at Paradise and Stetson's. They're the ones who got us free drinks by flirting. Nevermind the fact that I haven't had a sip of alcohol in probably 3 months and the last time I did, I got horrendous heart burn! LOL!

Well, that's about it, just felt like sharing that. Take Care!

Field Trip

So after a month of planning, phone calls, faxes and begging, I finally got a field trip scheduled for my kiddos. We got free admission to the Jr. Museum and thanks to Holly, we got free Happy Meals from McDonalds. Even my kiddo with the g-tube got to enjoy some ice cream! Most of you know that I teach children with severe language impairments. Some are autistic, others have chromosome disorders and some, just don't have a diagnosis. We only have 7 students but there are some days its like having 21! Because of their special needs, I really believe they need community based instruction (a fancy term for field trips), more so than the average kid.

Anyway, a couple of teachers found out about our field trip and really got upset. This is my second year at Pre-K and I didn't know that field trips were taboo. Apparently, other teachers have tried to go on field trips and they were told no. I'm not sure why, but my guess is $ and safety issues. Since we only had to pay for gas and we had 9 adults to 7 children I guess thats why we got to go. The more I think about the whole situation the madder I get. As a teacher, instead of being jealous, I would think you would be happy for my class. My program is different. Nobody else in our school has kids with the needs like mine do. Let's face it, these kids aren't going to graduate with a regular diploma. Out of 7 students, 1 parent chaperoned. For some of these kids, I think this was the first time they ate a Happy Meal! My point is, let them enjoy what little opportunities they do get. It really saddens me that people who are so-called educators think like that.

I've got to go plan something for January. Let the others be jealous!

You just never know...

So, back in October I went to see a dermatologist about my Vitiligo. For those of you who don't know what Vitiligo is, its the skin condition that Michael Jackson has. Its mostly prevalent in African Americans, but in rare instances (that would be me), white people get it too. All it means that you lose your skin pigment. I'm blessed in that I'm very light-skinned so its only really noticeable on me in the summer time. I was diagnosed with Vitiligo when I was like 19 years old. At that time, all the doctor said I could do was keep covered up in the sun b/c there wasn't any treatment for it. Over the years, I periodically did research on it and finally found a treatment for it. So, I went to the dermatologist to see if I was a candidate for treatment. The good news is, I am. He sent me home with a $50 tube of cream to use twice a day and follow-up in 3 months. The bad news is he wanted to play Inspector Gadget and check my moles. When I say, check... I mean check. I should have worn matching underwear that day! He found two that looked suspicious and wanted me to have biopsies on them. I really didn't want to but the doctor pointed out that I had 5 tattoos and two biopsies wouldn't kill me. I thought going to the gyno was bad. One of the biopsies was done on my boob. Before they did the biopsie they took pictures of it for a study they were doing. I'm pretty sure that's the closest to me being in porn I'll ever get! There I was in all my glory, and a hot intern had to take my picture. If there would been a hole, I'd of been in it! The other one was on my neck, so now I have what looks like a permanent hickie! So anyway, I left feeling pretty positive that nothing was wrong and since I didn't get a phone call within 3-4 days like the nurse said I should get, I figured I was in the clear but I called anyway to see why I hadn't gotten a clearance letter. She said b/c I wasn't clear and that both biopsies came back as having abnormal genes which means they should be removed because I'm at risk for cancer. So, now I have an appointment with a plastic surgeon to see what needs to be done. I think while I'm in there I'm going to ask him if can do some lipo too. Its crazy b/c you always hear about stuff like this happening to other people. I didn't mean to sound like a pompous ass, I guess what I mean is I've never had a broken arm, never been in the hospital, still have my appendix and tonsils, you know what I mean. So, I guess this means, no more tanning beds for me!

This One's For the Parents!

I think its Martina McBride that sings a song called, "This Ones For the Girls." She goes through the stages of womanhood beginning with teenage worries to old lady blues. All along the way, she cheers on women of all ages. I'm changing it up a bit and calling my entry, "This One's For the Parents."

When people ask what I do for a living and I tell that I teach pre-school aged children with "severe" disabilities I usually get a look of awe and a comment like, "It takes a special person to teach kids like that." Sometimes, I get a look of pity and a comment like, "I don't know how you do that day after day. I'd think that's depressing." And to that comment, Well, I'll admit that there are days when I've changed one too many stinky diapers or chased down one too many kiddos and I want to throw in the towel. Honestly, aside from teaching high school ESE (which those people should get an extra special place in heaven) this has got to be the most exhausting job I've ever had. The progress is slow, if any. Our facility is below standards. I'm CONSTANTLY second guessing myself: things like... If I'd have shown him the picture of the bus 4 times before it actually arrived we could have avoided a tantrum, is it really necessary to make him pull up his own pants if it pisses him off that bad? You get the picture.

Then there are the days when I realize that it is worth it. Days like Friday when a student signed "more" for the first time in the year and a half we've had him, or when another child said, "Hi, Janie." When I walked into the room.

Oh yeah, my point to this blog... see how self-absorbed I am? The parents. Way too many times, as teachers we place blame on the parents. I'll admit it. I've been that self-rightous-never-been-a-parent-but-I'll-sure-as-hell-judge-you-on-your-parenting-techniques kind of person. This year has been an eye-opener for me. We have NO IDEA what these parents go through. I've been quick to blame parents for their child's headbutting or screaming. Then I step back and think about my evening and compare it to theirs. I get off of work at 3:30pm, go to Wal-Mart alone buy whatever I want for dinner, walk in the park or visit a friend alone, have my dinner in front of the t.v., and go to bed when I'm ready, AFTER taking a bubble bath of course. Most of these parents are single, working until 5 or 6pm, driving 30-45minutes to and from work, have more than one child, and barely any time for themselves. Bubble baths are NOT an option because their child with autism can't be left unnattended and heaven forbid he go to sleep before 2:00am! Buying what they want for dinner? Not when you have a child on a gluten-free diet. Am I saying that these are excuses for parents of children with severe disabilities. Not at all. What I am saying is my hat goes off to each and everyone of them. Instead of placing blame, its my job to work alongside of them to help curb the headbutting and screaming. Its my job to point out the good things these parents do, like signing their notes everyday, sending their child to school clean and on time.

Back to the beginning of my blog. Yep, it takes a special person to teach these kids, but it takes an even more special parent to parent them. I go home at 3:30pm. Parents have nights, weekends and long-term care to think about. As for second-guessing, I can't imagine what goes through these parents' minds. I commend these parents. God has placed these special kids in your hands for a reason.

Ramblings of a Pre-K ESE Teacher

Happy Fall, Friends! I love this time of year. The leaves are turning colors, the humidity is dropping (wishful thinking) and it means one day closer to Christmas break!!!! I just had the urge to ramble so I figured I would. I've been in my new house for about 5 weeks now. I love it! Some nights I just sit on the couch and look up at my vaulted ceilings in awe. Please don't take this as me being vain. Nope, I'm very grateful for what I have. I know I didn't do it alone. Its just funny to think about how far I've come. My friend Maggie and I were laughing the other day about how we used to barely make rent each month (it was $280 for each of us!) It wasn't funny back then but it sure makes me feel good now.

I've had 3 housewarming parties. I LOVE having people over. I am very blessed and thankful to have so many wonderful people in my life. My brother-in-law and step-dad have also put alot of sweat into this place. I'm pretty much unpacked and have pictures on the wall. I have a big empty space above my sofa though. I'm keeping that space free in hopes of one day putting something really special there. That's all I'm going to say b/c I already sound like a huge dork!

Have you noticed just how many pregnant women are walking around out there? No offense to any of them at all. Its just funny, because for some strange reason, hormonal maybe, I'm going through this baby phase. There are days when I see these pregnant women and envy them. Don't worry, Its NOT going to happen. For one, Mr. Right has NOT fallen from the sky and two because of that I don't want to raise a kid alone for fear of screwing him or her up. I also know that pregnancy and childbirth are no day at the beach. I'm not crazy. I'm sure it's just a phase.

Other ramblings... you know, I never dreamed that I'd ever be settled enough to buy a house. For me, buying meant staying put, being trapped. I don't feel like that anymore. Which makes me wonder if maybe, just maybe, I can actually date without getting that sick feeling in my stomach, you know the one, where you're not sure whether you want to puke or do the other. The problem is where to meet guys. I'm too old and tired to go out clubbing, all my exes are married with kiddos, and church... nope, not happening (they're just not there.) I was waiting to lose lots of weight before finding someone but that's a pipe dream. I'm me, 5'3, size 16-18 (ok, ok, mostly 18-20) and I'm tired of feeling bad about myself for being a big girl. Its just not healthy.

I think that's about it. If you're ever in the neighborhood stop by! Love, J

Home Sweet Home!

Home Sweet Home!

I'm moved in...

Well, I closed on my house on Wednesday. I'm moved in... sort of. My step-dad, brother-in-law and a couple of friends came and helped load things up and move me in. Now, I'm just waiting on little things that I can't do. (putting up blinds, delivering my entertainment center, old bed to the Goodwill) I know I sound like a weinie but I carried, put together and loaded as much as I could. And now I have to wait. I HATE being out of control. Does anybody have any Xanex??? Just kidding, all that would do would make me MORE out of control. I'm so blessed to have such wonderful people to help me with things around here.

I LOVE my new house. Its so spaceous. I can't wait to send you pictures. I'm still in awe. Right now I feel like I'm housesitting for somebody else. I'm sure that feeling will go away real fast once I start making my house payments!

Well, the Badcock guys are here. Let me go check on things. AAAAGGGHHH!!!!

Should Haves and Would Haves

I was thinking the other day about life and just how things have turned out for me. I was thinking about all those wasted years spent feeling resentment for things not happening the way I thought they should have happened. I was thinking about my anxiety and the wasted nights nto sleeping but rather spent feeling guilty or worried about things I had no control over. After all that 'thinkin' I decided to make a list of 'Should Haves' and turn them into positives.

See from the time I was about 10 years old, I had my life planned out. So, these 'Should Haves' are things I thought I should have had by a certain age but am finally OK with the fact that it didn't happen.

*I should have moved away for college but if I had I would have missed out on family experiences.
*I should have married my high school sweetheart right after college but if I had I would have probably been divorced within 2 years. (All my close friends know this story all too well!)
*I should have had my first baby by age 25, my second one by 28 and my 3rd one would have been due any day now but if I had I would have been unable to enjoy the birth of my 2 nephews and niece. I wouldn't have been able to take them on trips or spend lots of money on crazy gadgets they talk me into. Thomas hasn't started that yet, but he will!
*I should have bought my first house by age 24 but if I had I wouldn't have been able to teach in China or Mexico nevermind packing up and moving to West Palm Beach for 10 months.

I guess thats about it right now. I'm sure there's more but I need to unload the boxes from my car. If all goes well I'll be moving into my new house next Tuesday!

Love, J

Happy Labor Day!

Good News! The seller took the bid on the house and I'll be closing September 11th. Eery, I know but that's 30 days from when the bid was made. So, my house is filled with boxes and I'm all set to go. Once I move in, I'll take some pictures and post them. I'm really excited about this opportunity. Scared, yet excited and proud.

Mom and I drove to Louisiana this weekend and picked up Thomas so Molly and Eric could put the final touches on their house. They should be here by Friday. Mom took the week off to keep Thomas. She and Gene painted Molly's old room, put down an adorable rug and crib for Thomas. Now granted the kids been home for two nights, but guess where he's been sleeping? With my mom! She bought a nanny camara today and she says that once she has that set up she'll feel more comfortable letting him sleep in his room. I am so happy to have my family back together. Its only been 6 years but it seems like a decade.

Wish me luck, I'm applying to FSU for the Ed Leadership program. This will open doors for me in the administrative realm of the school system. Its funny b/c less than a year ago I could NOT see myself in that capacity. Now I think I'm ready to learn the ropes. I may not get an administrative position for a while but in the meantime , I can work on the degree.

My class is tough this year. Ironically, I'm not as stressed as I was this time last year, but its tough nontheless. My co-teacher and I have 7 little friends with severe needs. 3 are autistic, 3 have chromosome disorders, and one we're not sure what his diagnosis is but we know he needs one! (our guess is he was born addicted to drugs, but we don't have proof) The hardest thing about the job is getting them all to the bathroom safely and pottying them without one of them running away. We don't have a bathroom in our classroom and all but two of them are in diapers!

If any of you have any tips for dealing with autistic friends, please share. They have got to be the toughest kids out there to reach. I guess I'm having a hard time sorting out learned bad behaviors versus true autistic behaviors. As a result, I think I've been too hard on them.

As for my chromosome kids, they are the sweetest, most enthusiastic kids ever. I just can't keep their attention for very long. I need some good ideas on how to play with both groups. (Trish, Rebecca, Heather, Tammy???) That may sound dumb to some, but their play isn't typical and by the time I sit down to play, they're running off to another area. My thought is to do some sort of directed play (so not ECERS, I know) by putting them in Rifton chairs and playing one on one with them with toys on the Rifton tray. They'll still get their free play but I don't feel like I'm teaching them anything by letting them roam.

Well, I guess that's it for now. I need to go walk my dog!

Love, J

Commitments

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I got pre-approved for a new house. While I am thrilled, I'm nervous. I'm thinking this is probably the scariest thing I've ever done. Has anybody else ever felt that way? All these things run through my mind, like what if I lose my job, what if my car breaks down, what if I can't shop at Target anymore...

People keep telling me this is an investment. I'm getting a good rate, I'm not financing more than I can afford and its BRAND NEW. I guess I'm scared that this means I'm settling down. Which is really stupid b/c I've been settled. I love where I live, my family is here and furthermore I can't see myself leaving. So, why the jitters?

I should know by Tuesday whether or not the seller agrees to my offer. In the meantime, please pray for me. I want to know that I'm making a wise decision. Love, J

Picture Perfect!

The whole gang! This took about 7 times to get right!!!

Attempt #10 for a perfect shot!

Cousins!!!!

Posing Thomas.

Naked Thomas.

Thomas 5 months.

Maddison, age 2. Erica's oldest.

Belle, age 5 month. Erica's youngest.

When we were kids, my mom and aunt would take us kids to Sears and have our pictures taken as a group. So, we all decided to carry on that tradition. We had NO idea what we were getting ourselves into. These are the best of the best. If you look on Molly or Erica's myspace page you can see ALL the attempts. What a mess!

Life is GOOOOOOOD!!!!

Life is good and I am sooooo happy!!! I've had to wait to do an update until things were official but it looks like Molly, Eric and Thomas will be moving home the middle of September! They're not sure where they are going to live as of yet. They've put their house on the market but things are slow right now, especially in New Orleans with it being hurricane season and all. Right now, they're considering renting in my apartment complex. I can NOT tell you thankful I am about them moving home. This summer was terrific. Ok, the actual living in New Orleans caused my anxiety to sky rocket but the opportunity to care for Thomas and spend time with my sister was worth every moment.

As for me, I got a pre-approval for a home loan this week. The interest rate is just right and so I put a bid on a 3/2 just down the road from where I live now. Its still under construction. I'm not getting my hopes up. I'm just praying for the Lord's will. So far, He's done a great job keeping me straight so I'm leaving all of this to His plan as well. This whole house buying thing is a bit scary but I love living here and don't plan to move anytime soon.

My family and I went to dinner last week at a restaurant right on marina. Its not a fancy restaurant but the view of the water makes up for the cosmetics of it. I thought how wonderful it is to live in such a beautiful place. I live less than 30 minutes from the beach and there are at least 4 rivers to canoe in. (I use the word canoe rather loosely, poor Staci!) You can actually swim with the manatees! My point is, I am happy.

So, school starts back August 13th. The kiddos come on August 20th. I have ALOT of work to do before Open House. This year, my co-teacher and I will be teaching 7 students. 4 have autism and the other 3 have chromosome disorders of some sort. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I want to make a difference in their lives, but I'm not sure about what all to do.

Well, I should go. Love, J

Makily, Truly A Miracle!

Thanks to all of you who have been praying for my friend's daughter, Makily. If you get a chance and want to get an update here is her website address. http://www.caringbridge.org/fl/makilyangel/
Makily and her family are an inspiration to me. They are examples of what dedication, determination and a strong support system will get you. The Lord has used Makily in so many ways. She is proof that God still uses miracles.

Just Breathe

Do you ever take time out of your day to just breathe? I love the show "Grey's Anatomy." They often play this song that has the lyrics "just breathe." I used to think it was a dumb song until I really thought about the words.

I realize that we all breathe in some form or fashion or we'd be dead but it wasn't until I started doing yoga (I've been twice and notice I say it like I'm a pro, lol!) that I really understood the importance of deep breathing. It's calming. I've noticed that sometimes just by breathing deeply, I can calm my nerves, stop a headache, or even fall asleep.

My New Picture

I was in a wedding two weeks ago. So, before the wedding, I went to Clinique and had a makeover. On the way to the wedding I stopped by my parents' house to give Thomas a kiss. If you look really close you can see the lip prints on his cheek. Poor kid!

Humble Pie and Crow

My good friend Pat uses the saying, "I guess I'll eat crow for that one." I'm not sure if that's the exact way she says it but the reason she uses it is when she's made a mistake and has to admit it.

So today, I'll be using Pat's saying, "I guess I'll eat crow for that one." My brother-in-law is doing some repair work on my vehicle while I'm here in New Orleans. One of the things that has needed fixing is my driver's side window. It needs a new motor. For the past year and a half, whenever I go through a drive-thru I have to open my door because my window won't go down. If you need a humbling experience try it some time! The last straw was when I got stopped in downtown New Orleans and the police officer pulled a gun on me b/c I opened my door instead of rolling down my window. Sorry, I digressed...

Back to eating crow. So, for a $130 I bought a new motor for my window. The cashier told me that if I brought back the old one, I could get $30 back. Today, I went to pick up the motor only to realize that I had lost the receipt! I'm fairly organized but I have a terrible habit of throwing things away. I don't like clutter. Luckily, they gave me the motor but they would only give me a gift card instead of $30 cash. I got pissed and told them no, if they weren't going to give me the cash I wanted my motor back. Boy, do I sound like my pre-school students or what? All I could think about was what in the hell would I do with a gift card to Auto Zone.

Now, I didn't curse at the lady or raise my voice but I was adament about taking my old motor and going home. I got in the car and my sister calmly asked me what I planned to do with a broken motor. I told her what the lady offered me and she reminded me that there was plenty to buy at the Auto Zone for $30. If anything, I could buy $30 worth of gum and soda.

I came home and scowered my bedroom, pants pockets, and my purse (which wasn't cluttered) but I was unable to find the receipt. So, it looks like tomorrow I will be eating some humble pie and asking for a gift card. I'm laughing about my behavior as I type this but I am really embarrassed about going back to the store.

Clarification

Because I have anxiety I thought I should clarify what I wrote in my last entry. I'm not against being a mom. I personally feel its the greatest yet hardest job there is out there. I just feel that right now, its not for me, being alone and all. Maybe one day, it'll happen for me but if not, I'm fine being an aunt. Ok, I feel better now!

I'm fine for now!!!

So back in May I wrote this poor pitiful me entry about how depressed I was about the way my life has turned out. I think I'm done mourning.

Despite some of the mishaps here in New Orleans, this summer has been a good one. I realize that I LOVE being an aunt. Not a momma, but an aunt. Being an aunt means you don't do midnight wake-up calls (poor Molly and Eric), you don't spend your whole week cleaning your home only to have dozens of kiddos come and destroy it at your children's birthday party (great party by the way, Jess!). What it does mean is you can give them ice cream before dinner, you can take them to Chuck E Cheese and at the end of the day you return them to their rightful owners!

I also realize just how much I appreciate my 98 Honda CRV. Its paid for!!! I love my one bedroom apartment. When something is broken, I call maintenance. It takes me 2 hours tops to deep clean the place.

Finally, being single means I can pack up and go whenever and whereever I'd like.

I'm blessed. I'd still like to lose some weight but hey, we can't have it all, now can we? So as I long as I don't watch 'A Wedding Story or 'A Baby Story' I'm fine for now.

Traffic Court

How many 4 month olds can say they've been to traffic court? Well, now my nephew can! I got directions off of Mapquest to go to a place called Algiers to pay my ticket. Mapquest said it was 18 miles away and to allow 28 minutes. Well, it took me more than 28 minutes. More like 78 minutes! By the time I found the place I had paid twice to take a toll road, stopped at two Chevrons for directions AND driven the wrong way down a one-way street. I realize that I don't have the best sense of direction but I am not a total moron and I do know how to read. Sweet Thomas took pity on me and slept the whole way there. I think he knew I could not handle screaming this morning.

(If you read a couple of entries down you'll understand why I couldn't pay online. ) To top it off, I never carry cash with me. The Lord was looking out for me though. I had two dollars in my purse for the tolls and found an emergency stash of 10 ones in Thomas' diaper bag. I needed five of those ones to pay to park across the street from the court house.

I parked the car, hefted my 20 pound nephew into my arms with his diaper bag and purse on my shoulder. No stroller today, being as how the court house is not handicapped accessible and had 10 steps to climb to get into the door. The court house was old and dirty, shocker... like everything else in New Orleans. An 80 year old lady security guard told me where to go to pay the ticket. I went into the room where a guy wrote some code on my ticket and told me to take it to the desk in front of his. That lady told me to have a seat and wait because the ticket wasn't in the system. She took the ticket to the lady sitting two desks away from her. That lady couldn't figure out how to spell my name or where I was from so she yells across the room, "Janice Tucker... what is this city you're from?" Geez, where do they find these people? So, she finds the amount for the ticket and gives the ticket back to the first lady. $181 she says. So I ask her if she takes credit cards because the back of the ticket says, cash, cashier's check, money order or credit cards. Since I didn't know how much the damn ticket was before I got there I only had a credit card. She tells me she only accepts cash and personal checks. Yep, personal checks!!! Being as how I don't carry that kind of cash with me, I wrote her a check, got my receipt and left. I waited to cry until I got into my car. Thomas did too!

Oh how funny is this... while I wrote my check the cashier lady offered to hold Thomas. That was really kind of her. My sweet Thomas made a little surprise while she was holding him! Let's just say we had a code brown situation, hee hee!

While I'm going to be really sad to leave Thomas and Molly, I can not wait to go home. This is the most ass backwards place I have ever been in!!! Only 11 days left. Pray for me... I need it. Maybe its a good thing that I cry instead of getting angry. Bad things could happen if not!

ADA

I was thinking about this the other day and I thought I'd post it... Whenever Thomas and I go out I take him in the stroller. He is almost 20 pounds and I carry enough extra weight around without his.



So, we were killing time the other day waiting for Molly and Eric to get off of work so I thought I'd stop in this store called Rainbow. We don't have one at home but I remembered it from when I lived in West Palm Beach. Its a store that carries cheap, trendy clothes for Plus-sized girls. Let me emphasize the word cheap. If you hand wash the stuff you might get 3 wears out of it.


We stroll into the store, or should I say, I hefted the stroller with baby in it up into the store being as how NOTHING in this part of Louisiana is handicapped accessible. I never knew how annoying those little lifts could be. (you know, the entrance doesn't match up to the outside so they at a step.) I've always been a stickler for ADA accomodations being an ESE teacher and all but now that I have Thomas with me I really notice.

My point to the story... so once get inside I realize that all the racks of clothes are jammed together. There is NO WAY I can look at anything in there. You'd think that since its a store for large women the aisles would be bigger!

Because of Katrina

So, I got a ticket for running a stop sign in downtown New Orleans on June 16th. "Running" sounds bad. What actually happened was that I yielded instead of coming to a complete stop. Thats not the point, the point is, I got a ticket and I need to pay it. There's a website you can go to pay online. For the past 20 or so days, I've been going to the website to try and pay it only to discover that the ticket isn't online. My sister asked around at work and they said that there's nothing I can do until the police officer puts the ticket into the system. I'm supposed to have 30 days to pay it but the officer wrote that payment was due by July 11th! They said the police officers are bad about not putting the ticket into the system on time. So today, me and my nephew are driving down to traffic court to find out what the hell is going on. I hope he pulls that stuff he pulls when we go to the mall. (He HATES the mall.)

Personally, I 'd rather not pay the damn thing, but I don't like the idea of having a suspended license over something like this. This will be my contribution to Katrina. Everything around here is because of Katrina. You know what, Katrina was two years ago! Find another excuse! I'm sorry for the people who lost loved ones or their personal valuables in the storm but two years later, websites shouldn't be down, and police officers shouldn't be giving me the wrong phone number to call to find out how much my ticket will cost! Seriously, I've sent 2 e-mails, left 3 voicemails but have gotten no response. Molly's friend said that's because that site and office I am calling is out of order because of Katrina.

Wish me luck. As pissed of as I am about driving downtown to pay this damn thing, you'd think I'd show it by being mean. Nope, I'll probably cry. The story of my life!

Words Cannot Express How I Really Feel

About 2 and a half years ago a dear friend of mine was drugged, sexually assaulted, and left to die by a couple of local boys in our community. Thankfully a friend just happened to stop by as the boys were leaving and discovered what had happened. Anyway, the case was initially handled by our good ole boy local system and evidence was contaminated. One of the rapists comes from a prestigious family in the community. Are you catching my drift???

The trial finally began yesterday only to be dismissed this morning by the judge. I don't know the exact reason for the dismissal but from what I've been told it had to with a typographical error in one of the reports. Over the past two years my friend would mentally prepare herself to go to court only to have the defense request a continuance. Her character has been slandered by the media on numerous occasions. Today's attempt is on this website http://www.wctv.tv/home/headlines/8192942.html.

Basically what I get from this is that when someone is raped, they are the ones who are put on trial NOT the rapist. This defense attorney basically stated that if a woman gets drunk (which was NOT the case in this situation) she is granting permission to be raped! As a result of this judge's decision, permission has been granted to the men our county to go out and assault whomever they want to because not a damn thing will be done about it. It also goes to show what money and a good last name will do for you!

I am outraged. I don't know exactly what to do. So, I did what I always do when I feel helpless, I wrote. I wrote a letter to the newspaper. It was a little bit more professional than this blog entry but basically stated the same things. Not that my letter is going to change the judge's decision or make my friend feel better but I felt like I had to do something.

I ask that you pray for my friend and her family. Thanks! J

Thomas and Bella Cuddling

Thomas says, "Ok, this is nice. I can do this."

Thomas and His Girlfriend

Thomas tells Bella, "Its time to go home! Get out of my bed!"

The Beginning of Something Terrific!

I bought these sunglasses from Children's Place in the mall. They actually stay on Thomas' face and he doesn't try to pull them off. One night before bed, I put them on him to show his mommy and daddy how cool he looks. He loves being in his exersaucer too! Once we get the ok from the doctor's, I'll take him swimming again and get a picture of him in his swimmin' trunks, hat and glasses. What a little hottie!

Summer Break with Thomas!

Well, I've been here in Kenner, LA for two weeks now. I'm staying with my sister Molly and brother-in-law Eric for the summer to care for my nephew, Thomas while Molly makes up her maternity leave. She's decided to quit her job but she has to take care of some things before she can leave.


I'm not sure about this parenting thing anymore. I think I'd have to go back on my anxiety medication. Maybe its different with your own kids, but I worry nonstop with Thomas. Did I put on enough sunscreen, or will too much seep into his skin and cause some sort of learning disability later on in life, is he eating enough, does he feel safe with me, should I leave him at the gym daycare around other children who may be sick... the list goes on. Then along with the worry comes the guilt. He has an ear infection. Poor kid, he's only 3 months old and is taking his first dose of antibiotics! So, I feel guilty thinking that maybe I didn't do something right and that's why he's sick.



The first week was rough, because we had to get into a routine. He didn't want to nap because he wasn't used to being away from Molly all day. He screamed nonstop in the car which made for some very unpleasant car rides. As if driving around New Orleans without a screaming baby isn't bad enough!


This week was better. He's sleeping more. I can also tell the difference between his cries now. We have a routine that accomodates the both of us. After last week I realized that no matter how much crap I have to venture out with , saving my sanity is definitely worth the effort! We get up, I change him, we read a book, attempt some tummy time (not his most favorite activity), feed him and then we're out of the house. On days when the heat index is below 100 degrees, I take him for a walk outside in the stroller. This week we ventured to the aquarium, scrapbook store and some local shops. Next week, we'll attempt the zoo and the library. My sister got me a membership to her awesome gym. It has a daycare, so I can go workout for two hours while Thomas plays with other kiddos. Afterwards, I take Thomas swimming in their indoor pool. He loves the water. You'd think with all the exercise I've been doing I'd be skinny by the end of the summer, but I don't see that happening. I've also discovered the gym has a great food bar available too. I also realized that Cold Stone Creamery is within walking distance.



While I'm enjoying my time with Thomas, I miss the comforts of my own home. Molly and Eric have been wonderful to me, but I'm homesick. Today I went down to the French Quarter to venture around but I got a traffic ticket for not making a complete stop at a stop sign. I was so pissed off that I didn't even park and look around. Childish, I know, but all I could think about was how much the damn ticket was going to cost me. Which I still don't know the answer to because their system isn't computerized so I have to wait 7 days for my information to be processed. What really makes me angry is that the stop sign was covered by a tree, so I really thought I was just supposed to yield. Molly says I should contest the ticket but I really don't like the idea of going to Orleans Parish for court. I could see myself either crying like a blubbering idiot from nerves or worse, get arrested and have to spend the night in jail. NOt sure what I'd get arrested for but I've watched enough Lifetime TV to know they'd find a reason, and I'm guessing their jail isn't like the one in Wakulla County.



Besides Thomas, Molly and Eric, THERE IS NOTHING GOOD ABOUT NEW ORLEANS!!!!

Well, I guess that's about it. Pray that they get to move home soon and in the meantime, I won't lose my mind! Love, J

p.s. write me and let me know how things are with you.

Now What?

So my birthday was May 26th. I'm officially OLD! 31 years old. It was a nice birthday. Nothing exciting for me, but the good news is nobody got mad at anybody, I didn't spend the next day hugging the toilet from a hangover, you get the picture.

So, some of you reading this entry may want to poke my eyeballs out for feeling sorry for myself but don't. I'm just venting. It's therapy. I'm allowed to vent. As my friend Wendi would say, "before I begin this story, let me set the stage." I know that I am blessed and about all the wonderful things in my life. I thank God for them everyday. I also know about God's timing. But I also know that I am 31 and not sure what direction I am going in. (nobody needs to call the crisis hotline, I'm not clinically depressed!)

My partying days are over. There's nothing attractive about a 31 year old woman hanging her head out the window of a car to keep from puking. One night stands are NOT the answer. I guess what I'm saying is, I'm almost to the page in my high school memory book where it asks, "Where do you see yourself in 15 years?" You know what my answers were? Happily married, pregnant with child number 3, homeowner, successfully teaching. Well hell, I got one out of the three.

So, now what? I was talking to my therapist about this the other day. I told her I just wish I knew whether I was marriage/mom material or not. If the answer is no, let me mourn the fact that I will be single forever and then move on. But move on to where? As I was driving the two hours from WV to the Pittsburgh Airport this mourning, I had plenty of time to plan. So, here's what I've decided. I'm going to go ahead and allow myself mourn for a little while, not long because then I'll get wrinkles. I'm going to continue to pay down on my credit cards and student loans. If my sister and brother-in-law don't move back in August, I'm going to extend my lease for another year and attempt to save for a home. If they do move back and still want to me build on their property, I'll pursue that route. In January 2008, I'm going to re-apply to FSU's Department of Special ed to pursue a specialist degree. I actually applied a couple of years ago and got accepted but never pursued the degree. I need to know more about pre-kindergarten ESE and besides if I can't have an Mrs. in front of my name, at least I can have a MSed at the end of it! If by 35, (that's like 4 years from now), I'm not married, I'm going to adopt.

Its comical really, in a sarcastic sort of way, because I'm not sure where to begin with this mourning thing. Shit, its taken me almost 18 years to figure out that I needed to mourn the loss of my father. Again, I know some of you are thinking how rediculous I am, but its been on my mind and I'm tired of obsessing over it.

Quality NOT Quantity

Its funny how I've never noticed until recently just how consumed I've been with the quantity of things in my life: time spent with close friends and family, number of hours I sleep, how much great tasting food can I eat. (I'm sure that statement was grammatically incorrect but you catch my drift!)

I guess what first opened my eyes to all of this, literally and figuratively speaking, was during my time of sleep deprivation. Despite taking Roserum and then going to bed at 9pm, I would toss and turn for hours upon hours. Then, I finally broke down and went to a chiropractor. People kept telling me to give it a try for the headaches and nausea but I just didn't believe it would work. I've only been to the chiropractor twice but I am sleeping better, and my nausea and headaches aren't nearly as bad either. I'm holding my breath but praying that this will work. Anyway, my point, after my first visit with the chiropractor, I stayed up as late as could, didn't take the Roserum and fell asleep around 1:30am . I slept from 1:30- 6:30am. This was real deep sleep, no tossing, no turning, no fog the next day. Normally, this little bit of sleep would have not been enough for me, but I guess because it was quality sleep, I felt refreshed. So, I'm working on not being obsessed with the amount of sleep I get.

Time spent with friends... I went to a dear friend's wedding this weekend in West Virginia. I was nervous about going, worried that we'd have nothing to talk about since we live so far away now. To be honest, I worry about this alot, not just with her, but with other friends and family whom I don't see very often. Its funny though, because the weekend wasn't awkward. Her family makes me feel right at home and while she and I didn't spend every waking minute together, the time we did spend together was meaningful. I confided to another friend about my worries before leaving to go on the trip. I told her my fears about the possibility of us growing apart since we live so far away. This friend is always honest with me and she said there's always that possibility with any friendship because people get busy. She wasn't being negative, just stating the truth. I'm realizing more and more that I can't let this worry consume me. While I love my friend dearly, I can't mourn the fact that we don't see each other everyday. Instead, I need to enjoy the times that we do see each. This weekend was one of those times. (sorry, so much self-talk here) My favorite aunt lives in Orlando. We see each other maybe 2-3 times a year, but when we do, there's never a dull moment. Again, quality, not quantity.

I won't elaborate on the food issues. I'm still working on that one. Ha! Ha! Ha!
More self-talk!

Well, I leave for New Orleans on either Saturday or Sunday to go take care of my nephew for the summer. I'll come home for a week in July but most of time is going to be spent with him. I'm anxious. Not about taking care of Thomas, but just about leaving the comforts of my home and staying with someone else for two months. Pray for me. Pray that I can enjoy my time with him and not spend it mourning the fact that there's a possibilty he and his family won't move back to C'ville. Pray that my dog won't destroy their home (yep, she's going too!) Pray that we won't get blown away in a hurricane, lol!

I guess that's it. That's my new motto in life, quality NOT quantity.

My back is on fire!

So I think I've figured out what is causing the pain in my back. I've been taking Maxalt for my headaches. I knew the stuff was too good to be true. I looked up the side effects and in some cases, people who take the meds on a regular basis may experience "myalgia like symptoms." So, guess what I won't be taking anymore? I've decided that I HAVE to change my eating habits, reduce the sugar, exercise more, and try wholistic meds. Its amazing how emotionally better I feel thinking I've found the cause for the back pain. I was beginning to think I was real nut case!

pictures of my handsome bear

I thought this was a great comparison. The first picture was taken when Thomas was about two weeks old. Look how small he is! The second one is of him taken at around 11 weeks old. I can't believe the difference. What a chunk! He is eating baby food now. He still loves his formula and cereal too. I can't wait to spend the summer with him. I hope I don't overstimulate the poor guy!

Ramblings of a sleep deprived woman...

Well, its 3:00am in the morning and despite taking my Rozerem AND 3 mg of melatonin I am wide awake! Is the Lord preparing me for something or someone? LOL! My next trip, in regards to the whole doctor thing is to a sleep specialist. We'll see what they say. My back muscles are on fire right now so Monday I will call the chiropractor. I've experienced tension in my neck and back before but never all over like this. I lathered myself with some Tei Fu lotion to help calm the pain but now I smell like an 85 year old man! What the hell is going on? I'm only 30! Oh well...

So, I figured since I couldn't sleep I'd ramble about some funny things/thoughts I've had lately. Have you ever had that dream where you are out in public and you are naked? I asked my friend Julie that last night and she looked at me like I was crazy. Must only happen to people with anxiety issues. Anyway, if you know what I mean, its not a pretty feeling. Well, I sort of experienced that last Friday at the pool. Don't worry, I had a bathing suit on, but there I was just a swimming along when who should appear but ALL 6 or 7 of the boys I taught last year when I moved back to Wakulla. There may have been a couple of them missing due to house arrests or incarceration issues but most of them were there as they don't seem to go anywhere alone. I prayed really hard and fast that God would make me invisible or something. Fortunately, He did, or the kids just didn't care to recognize me. As soon as they went into the workout room I jumped out of the pool and waddled home as fast as I could. Childish... maybe, but I wasn't risking them noticing me, especially in a bathing suit. Not to mention the fact that I didn't dare want them to know where I lived! Aahh, the joys of living in a small town!

Shoes... so I bought this cute dress for my class' graduation. (It looked cute on the shelf, on me, it looked like a blueberry cobbler doused in cool whip, but nevermind!) So, I looked all over Tallahassee for white dress shoes. I finally found a pair on sale for $25 at J.C. Penny's. Since I had a $10 off coupon I bought them. I tried them on late in the day so I figure that would be a good indication as to how they'd feel later. Boy was I wrong. Those things hurt like a bitch. It made me think, maybe there should be a weight requirement on the side of the shoe box. You know, something like: "weight capacity not to exceed 150 pounds." Those poor little shoes weren't meant to carry 200 plus pounds! Needless to say, I cleaned those suckers up and returned them. There is no point in being in pain.

Body image... You know, despite my sarcasm about my weight, I often have a misconceived notion about just how big I really am. I'll go to the store and pick up things that I think look cute on the rack only to realize that they just aren't for the larger woman. On this one particular occasion, something funny happened. I got this dress to try on, supposedly in my size. It had a side zipper that I knew I couldn't get up if I unzipped it so I thought I'd just slip it over my head. I get it over my head, but it gets stuck around my boobs, as I struggle to to pull it down, this woman comes over the loud speaker to do an all call. It scared the crap out of me! I just knew it was one of those people that sit behind the mirrors laughing as they watch us try on clothes. I thought she was going to say something like, "Don't even think about it!"

What is it about bows? You put a bow or ribbon on something and I have to have it. Last night I found this cute strapless top with a bow in the back. The bow was at the top sort of holding the top together as there was a circle cut out of the back of it. Again, another one of those cute things ON the rack versus on me! The way the back was cut, you could see my two love handles shinin' away. Not to mention my Superman tattoo. Which I don't regret getting but it just didn't seem right to show it off for all the world to see. The scary thing about that shirt, it went up to even bigger sizes than what I wear!

Superman... speaking of superman, I was ordering some helium balloons for a friend's bridal shower this weekend and I had this flashback of when I was like 4. Amazing I know. I've loved Superman since I can remember. I used to watch the movies with my Poppa. Superman and Poppa were like God to me. Anyway, my Poppa used to take me to watch the Expos play baseball. On one particular occasion, I got some helium balloons. My Poppa tied them to my overall strap so they wouldn't fly away. Well, I guess in the midst of all of the excitement, they did fly away. I remember asking Poppa to send for Superman to get my balloons. Poppa said he wished he could but those balloons just went too high, even for Superman. Talk about peeing in somebody's cornflakes! I think that was the first time I discovered true disappointment. I thought Poppa and Superman were the Men of Steel. Maybe its silly to writing about this almost 27 years later, but I just thought about it. Then it hit me, how devastating something that inconsignificant was for me that I still remember it and how some children experience a heck of alot more by age 4 and how must they carry that baggage. Well, I'm going to try and go to sleep now. Wish me luck! Love, J

Happy Mother's Day

Its funny how one’s mood changes from day to day. One minute I think I’m fine with being 30, single and childless. Then a day like mother’s day comes along and smacks me in the face and I am suddenly reminded that I am alone. Or am I? I have so many wonderful people in my life that keep me busy, not to mention my own personal issues. I am rich and full of life. I have to keep reminding myself, “God’s timing. Not mine!” And that, just because I’m childless and single doesn’t mean I’m unsuccessful.

Why do we set such high expectations for ourselves only to set ourselves up for failure? I guess I’m feeling bummed because I had planned to lose 31 pounds by my 31st birthday. And guess what? I didn’t lose the 31 pounds. Shocker, I know. I am going out of town for a friend’s wedding that weekend and I thought that would be great motivation. You know, my birthday and seeing my friend. I don’t know why I’m so bummed. My friends love me no matter what size I am so why do I measure my success by how fat I am? Well, the bottom line is, I’ve only manage to lose about 21 pounds since October, 14 of which I haven’t gained back. I’m looking for a diet/exercise plan that requires little effort on my part, lol. If you know of any, could you let me know?

Update on my sinus/nausea headache situation… so I went and had a CT scan done last week. They did find a brain, but no sinus inflammation. I have a slight deviated septum, whatever that means but I’m guessing that’s typical because the doctor didn’t make a big deal out of it. She now thinks that maybe the headaches are migraine related. Poor thing. I think she’s tired of dealing with me. So, she put me on something called Maxalt and Topamax, (so much for not taking so many meds!) When I take the Maxalt, it seems to help the headaches and the Topamax seems to relax me, so I guess its worth a try. I went to see an herbalist and I did buy some herbs (yes, legal ones!), but there’s a whole diet regime that needs to be followed and I’m just not sure that mentally I’m ready for that. Well, I need to go finish eating my side salad from McDonalds. (I already ate the cheeseburger!) Love, Janie

Anti-depressants and Exercise

I love this picture! I call it, "Drunk Love." It was taken about a month ago. Thomas and I have both filled out since this was taken. Thomas more so than me, lol!

Don't worry, this isn't a feel-sorry-for-Janie entry. I'm just venting. Its therapeutic for me to write.

Today is the first time in a long time that I haven't been nauseated. NO, I'm not pregnant, just sinus crap, as usual. I love doctors, (that was meant in a sarcastic tone.) As most of my friends and family know, I deal with my sinuses year round. Every once in a while a doctor will find a remedy that works and I feel pretty good for a few months. Well, the last remedy wore off around February 28th and I've been sicker than a dog since then. I am NOT exagerating! (again, not complaining, just setting the stage...) What happens is I get a nasty post nasal drip combined with sinus pressure and I feel dizzy and sick. As a result, I don't sleep for days on end and anything that involves motion is out of the question (reading, watching t.v., extreme exercise). I avoid fruits, vegetables and dairy products at all costs, lest I projectile vomit. So, I get up and just deal with it. I know I sound like a hypochondriac and at this point I wish I was, but this is for real.

Anyway, I've been to the ENT, he said my sinuses look clear and to just keep my nasal passages moist. When I went to my primary care physician and told her my symptoms, she asked me if I was depressed and offered me anti-depressants, along with suggesting exercise! Its kind of humorous as I look back on that day, now. As most of you know I am extremely sensitive anyway, but on that particular visit, I hadn't slept in three days and on top of that I wanted to puke. And she has the nerve to ask me if I'm depressed. At which point, with tears in my eyes, voice choked up, I say, "This is the happiest I've ever been. My job is great, my family is close by..." All she could do was hand me a box of kleenex and a referal to an allergist.

So, I go to the allergist, hoping and praying that I'm allergic to something. (sick I know, but I'm desperate) After 16 injections and $20 later, I find out that I am allergic to NOTHING!!!! The doctor determines that I have excessive post nasal drip and if I'd exercise I'd sleep better. You know, I'm in the wrong damn profession! He did give me a prescription for a nasal spray that I take 4 times a day. Seems like a lot, but for the most part, I haven't been nauseated in a couple of days! The problem is, my nasal passages are dried out and my head still hurts. So, I called him back today to ask if he could prescribe something to go with the spray but he said my only other option is an anti-depressant because he thinks my headaches are tension-related! I'm really proud of myself because I didn't even cry. I just politely told him, "No Thanks." I'll just have to deal with the pain. I know there are people out there with worse conditions than me but there has got to be an answer to my issues. An answer other than antidepressants and freakin' exercise.

After talking with the allergist, I was even second-guessing myself. Maybe I need an anti-depressant. Afterall, both my doctors think so! Then I prayed, "Lord, if I am depressed and need meds, open my eyes and show me." It was the quickest answered prayer ever. He made me think back to when I was on medication. Yep, even back then I had sinus problems. Yep, even at 300 milligrams of Effexor! So, no, I am NOT depressed. I know what its like to feel depressed and believe me I am happy and full of life!

My next step, is wholistic medicine. If anybody can recommend anything, I'm all ears! I know there is an answer to my issues and I'm going to find it. In the meantime, I guess I should go exercise, lol!

Good News!

Keep your fingers crossed and say some prayers... After a week home on vacation, my sister and brother-in-law have decided to try and move back for good. Eric has applied to several places around town. Hopefully someone will contact with a good offer. In the meantime, please say some prayers for me!

I make a difference... do I really?

Have you ever had one of those days where you just felt crappy? Maybe its because my sister and nephew left to go back to New Orleans today or it could be because I made some dumb remark, not thinking first, to somebody and offended them. I'm not sure what it is. All I know is I'm in a funk and I can't figure out how to fix it.

Last week there was a shooting in Panacea, a small fishing town just south of where I live. Come to find out the shooter was a kid I taught my first year as a teacher. As it turns out, the shooting is thought to be gang related and some of the other boys involved were students in some of the classes I taught last year. (rumors have said it was over a girl, drugs, theft) Its really depressing being a teacher, especially an ESE teacher. Statistics aren't good. Its funny because you read these catchy phrases like, "I make a difference, I teach. I touch lives, I teach." Hrmm... do I? I know, I know I can't save the world, but its hard to be even a little bit hopeful when I hear about things like this.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this entry, but I do know it makes me think even harder about how to handle situations. Even what some might call silly situations, like two 3 year olds fighting over a race car or being first in line, need serious thought-planned strategies.

An administrator from our district had the nerve to ask if our pre-k students really needed a character education plan. Well, until there aren't anymore shootings I think the answer is, "YES!!!"

I've been in some sort of education for 9 years now. Sometimes I wonder if I'll make it 30 years. Its depressing. The pay, the ratios, the way people pity me (including family members) for the career I have chosen and then to top it off, you find out a former student of yours takes another human beings life! I don't blame myself for what he did, but sometimes I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall trying "to make a difference," when the higher ups would rather spend their money elsewhere.

What's a Girl to Do?

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions...
Its funny, I spent most of my life anticipating the day I'd grow up, move out of my house and not be responsible for anybody in my family. The day finally came and while I've enjoyed the past few years getting to know myself, I have to admit that I want my family back.

As you all know, my sister and brother-in-law recently had a baby boy who I can't seem to get enough of. I am here in Louisiana for spring break and loving every minute of it! So, the point of the my blog... my sister and brother-in-law have invited me to move here and live with them until I get settled into my own place. I had already planned on staying here over the summer and keep Thomas while Molly ties up lose ends at work. (she's decided to stay home with Thomas but has to work six weeks this summer to finish up some things.)

I'm not sure what to do. It would be great to move here for a number of reasons. Thomas for starters, but also the fact that Molly and I have begun to get to know each other as sisters versus me being her second parent. I really enjoy and appreciate her friendship. Financially this would be a good thing, too since Molly and Eric told me I could stay with them and save some $. (I think I could do it knowing that it would only be for a few months.) I found out the rent here is comparable to what I pay in C'ville but teachers make a lot more here.

On the other side of the coin, I have a pretty decent job in Wakulla. The actual work environment could be cleaner, ratios lower, and the pay could be higher but all in all, I like what I do. I have friends in Wakulla, my mom lives walking distance from me, and I feel apart of the community. I get a bit emotional when I think about leaving all of that.

I know many of you are reading this and probably thinking I'm ADHD being as how I just moved back from West Palm Beach. That move to and away from West Palm was a good thing and I don't regret either decision. Great things came about as a result of both.

Others of you may be thinking that since I'm so co-dependent that this is a way for me to "feed" that co-dependency. (moving to LA to be near Thomas and help Molly and Eric out.) The funny thing is, I don't think that's what it is. Molly and Eric are doing just fine. I am very proud of the parents they have become. When I come to visit, I help out but I don't feel taken advantage of. I also don't have that panicky need to do more. (a feeling I used to have before some great counseling.)

I've been praying about this alot lately and ask that you will pray for me as well. I don't want to make a hasty decision but the thought of being away from this little guy breaks my heart. I don't want to be the aunt Thomas sees a few times a year. I want to be apart of his life. I know ultimately its my decision whether to move or stay put but I'd love your opinion on the matter. Take Care!
Love, J

The Incredible Shrinking Woman!

October 2006

January 2007

March 24, 2007

Ok, so maybe I've got a few more tens of pounds to lose but I had to post these pics. I'm pretty proud of myself.

More pics of my handsome bear!!

Sportin' my Oaklies from my Aunt J. (I know that they aren't really Oaklies but she's a teacher and she just doesn't make much. I won't tell her the truth.) She bought me the hat too and she's going to beat my momma's butt when she sees her because that does NOT go with the outfit I am wearing!

I love my Nana! She sure is soft and cushiony.

snoozin...

I have cheekbones!

Hi Friends! I am feeling much better this week. I think I'm over the withdrawal effects of the effexor. Now, I'm just dealing with sinuses. I went to the doctor yesterday and got an antibiotic for a sinus infection. The nausea comes and goes but is nothing compared to last week's episode. I think I'll live!

There's nothing earthshattering to write about today. I do have a couple of funny stories to share but that's about it. One deals with school. One of my students came into today and told me that her momma's butt swallowed her underwear. After laughing so hard I almost peed my pants I called her momma, who happens to teach with me, and told her what she said. She said that her daughter walked in on her while she was getting dressed, she was wearing a thong! There's never a dull moment at pre-k! Have I mentioned lately how thankful I am for my job? I have friends who teach at other schools in the county and let me just tell you, I'm blessed.

Another funny story deals with my friend's husband. My friend Jes wants me to meet her single neighbor. So she mentioned it to her husband and he nonchalantly stated, "You know, maybe they like being single. That's probably why they aren't married." Men are so smart!

On being single... I have had about 3 or 4 friends tell me they want me to meet these single guys, but nobody has actually done anything to try and hook me up! I'm not really in the mood for anything serious but Lord, do I have to put a 'for sale' sign on my butt? Somebody hook me up for goodness sakes. I"m not sure how to go about advocating for myself. And, I don't want to sound desperate.

Oh, I discovered something exciting this weekend. I have cheekbones! Is that exciting or what? Some of you may not understand what I mean, but for me it means I'm still losing weight. It has been very slow and I still have a LONG way to go but its a good feeling when I notice these small changes.

Well that's about it for now. I don't have any new pics of my nephew yet. I'm going through Thomas withdrawals. I need to make another trip. Write me when you get a chance. I miss you all! Love, J

This too, shall pass...

So, I realized that today marks one whole year since I moved back from West Palm Beach. I guess I should no longer use the phrase, "I just recently moved back." I miss my friends and family "down south" but I know that this move back was the best thing for me.

Its 3:30am and I should probably be sleeping but since I fell asleep at around 7pm last night I'm just not that tired. No, I'm not depressed, just exhausted. Still catching up from the weekend, I guess. I went out with a group of friends Friday night and we didn't get home until around 3am Saturday morning. I then got up and drove my mom to the airport in Jacksonville. I now realize why I don't go out more often. For one, drinking totally messes up my diet and exercise regime, not to mention the fact that my intestines still feel like they are somewhere up around my boobs. (I know, not a pretty picture!) This isn't a 'feel sorry for Janie entry', just me rambling about why its NOT healthy for me to go out and drink like a fish out of water! For those of you who are wondering, I don't do this on a regular basis, the last time was in November. I have a great friend who has an adorable little girl with special needs. Her little girl eats using a g-tube. Anytime she gets sick, her digestive tract gets out of whack and lets just say, "it ain't pretty." After reading Trish's updates on Makily, I no longer feel sorry for myself.

So last Thursday was my last day on my Effexor. Geez, its been a whole week! The withdrawal effects have NOT been fun but overall I feel positive about going off of it. That could be another reason why I've been feeling crummy. Not depressed crummy, just physically crummy. The first couple of nights off of it, I had the most vivid dreams that left me feeling exhausted the next day. You know, if I'm going to have dreams involving running, I should at least be able to lose some weight from them! I've been terribly nauseated but that could just be my postnasal drip. Although I haven't felt sick from that in quite some time. I've also been getting those heart races, for lack of a better term. Sorry my grammar isn't the greatest this time of morning! Tuesday night as I was waiting to meet a friend for dinner two phrases came to mind: "that which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger," and "there's light at the end of the tunnel." All in all I feel positive about this situation. If, once the physical symptoms wear off and I'm feeling depressed, I'll contact my doctor and get a different med. I just want to try life without it for a while. I feel like my self-esteem is much better than it used to be and I've got a lot of great tools in my bag.

You know, I was thinking back to when I first got on "meds," 7 years ago. It makes me sad looking back on why I think I started taking them. My mom got married and moved to GA. to live with her husband and my sister moved to LA to live with her now husband. Coming from a co-dependent emeshed family, I was devastated. I had nobody to take care of and to top it off, I felt totally abandoned. So, I cried. I cried all the time. I was ashamed of the crying but I was more ashamed to ask for help. You know, back then, I thought only crazy people needed therapy. So, as a quick fix, I started taking anti-depressants. I've grown alot in the past 7 years. It makes me sad to think about the reason for going on meds. The humor in all of it is that even at the highest dose of effexor, zoloft, celexa, (not all at one time of course!) I still cried! You know why I cried? Because, that's what some people do to deal with emotions. I have since come to know the difference between clinical depression and your typical "I'm broke, fat, lonely this-to-shall-pass" depression. Well, its almost 4am and I should get some sleep. Take Care!

A Day In The Life Of...

All in a Day’s Work,,,
A Day in the Life of A Preschool Teacher…

If you’ve never been to preschool, you’re really missing out. It’s a ball of fun! Ok, so maybe not ALL of this happens in one day, and maybe I’ve exaggerated on some of it, but ALL of it has happened in some form or fashion at one time or another. Yes, you’ll find some sarcasm and No, this isn’t all that we do. I have taught many places, seen different faces across the races, but this by far is the best place to be.

8:15am Receive a 20 minute explanation from a mother as to why her child won’t be at school today.
8:30am Open new containers of play dough since batch number 20 has dried out or been rubbed into the carpet.
8:40am Pry a child of his mother, reminding him that he likes school.
9:00am Remind a new student that we only pee in the bathroom rather pulling our pants down in front of God and everybody outside (not in those exact words of course!)
9:10am Ooh and aah over a spider stuck in the boy’s bathroom urinal.;
9:15am redirect a child from cutting another child’s nose
9:30am Praise a child for opening milk carton by herself;
9:31 am Mop up the milk she spilt on the floor as she was opening the milk carton all by herself
9:35am Say Pledge: “I pledge allegiance, put the stick down, to the flag, put the stick down, of the United States of America…” (grab stick from child)
10:00am Encourage my student with autism to swing without my help by signing “NO, STOP” when he puts a death grip on my wrist
10:05am Remind a little boy that yesterday when he spun himself around on the tire swing he threw up
10:25am Child hands me her hand band AFTER it’s fallen in the toilet
10:30am Attempt to read a book called “The Foot Book;” while asking children to wait and tell their stories AFTER I finished mine
10:31am smell a disgusting odor and ask who pooped their pants
10:32am Find kid who pooped pants only to discover it happened an hour ago and its stuck to his butt
10:40am Redirect child with autism to get off of the book shelf.
11:00am Had to explain for the 10th time that I did NOT give birth to a baby this weekend, my sister did
11:30am Remind children to clean up their areas; explain again that the reason the picture labels are on the toy boxes is so that they will know where things go
12:00pm Praise children for trying something new on their plate; make a slam dunk when I throw away a roll that’s fallen on the floor; encourage child with autism to try strawberries
12:30pm Help children lie down and tell them to let their bodies rest so that when they wake up they’ll have more energy
1:00pm get mooned by a four year old when I strongly encourage him to be quiet at naptime
1:15pm write out daily reports while making idle threads to children who continue to make noise during naptime
1:30pm eat my lunch and potty
1:45pm frantically change bus tags so that children get to the right place after school
2:00pm Encourage a kid with oppositional-defiant disorder to pee on the spider in the urinal. (he refused to pee and I didn’t want to change pee pants!)
2:30pm Tell 18 preschoolers that I love them and will see them tomorrow.
3:00pm Receive call number 4 from an anxious dad; assure him that YES, I put his child on the bus
3:30pm Dump sand from my shoes; take off my badge and head for the comforts of home. Once home, laugh at the fact that I actually went to college for this!